Bake Your Heart Out Season 2, Episode 6
Sam's Stalker
Leslie: Sam and Diane to the stage, now. Sam and Diane to the stage. Where are you guys? How do two grown women just disappear on a set?
Frances: I saw them both go to Sam’s dressing room but they never came back.
Leslie: Well, I guess I better go there! Thanks.
Frances: I’m coming with, I’m concerned. They may have been murdered. They’re never gone this long.
Leslie: You’ve been watching far too much Investigation Discovery lately.
Frances: I know.
Charlotte: I’ll go with you, too. I just want to be there for support because Frances is clearly going through something right now.
Frances: I’m fine!
Garry: I’m coming, too. Just in case they are dead, I need to see it for myself. It’s the only way I’ll ever believe Sam is dead.
Frances: Good lord, Garry, that’s dark.
Garry: Evil doesn’t just die.
Leslie: Why are we talking about them like they’re dead? They’ve been gone for fifteen minutes!
Charlotte: I believe the answer you’re looking for is “Frances.”
Leslie, Frances, Charlotte and Garry walk to Sam’s dressing room.
Frances: Moment of truth!
They open the door.
Leslie: There you are! I was worried sick!
Frances: You aren’t dead!
Garry: Yay…
Diane: Shh! She’s on the phone with Nicolle!
Leslie: What about?
Diane: A fruit basket.
Leslie: She sent her one? That’s sweet.
Diane: Eh… we’re figuring that out.
Frances: Figuring out if it’s sweet?
Diane: If it’s from Nicolle. It said, “from your secret admirer.”
Garry: Maybe it’s not from her. Why would she call herself Sam’s secret admirer?
Diane: Gosh, Garry. We never thought it could be from someone else. Thanks for cracking that one.
Leslie: Wow, Diane. Sam’s rubbing off on you.
Diane: It was bound to happen someday.
Sam hangs up.
Sam: What are you all doing here?
Leslie: We’re waiting for you on the set.
Sam: Oh, sorry. I didn’t realize it was time.
Diane: What did Nicolle say?
Sam: She didn’t send a fruit basket. I figured because she knows I find them unhygienic and disgusting.
Diane: So you really have a secret admirer?
Sam: That’s a terrifying thought. I wonder who she is.
Diane: That handwriting looks masculine to me, I think it’s a dude.
Sam: Well, if he’s looking for love, he’s in the wrong place. The only straight I am is a straight-up bitch. A good friend told me that once!
Leslie: Did that friend happen to watch Glee?
Diane: No! I told her that before that show came out.
Leslie: You called Sam a bitch?
Diane: Of course I did. I’m honest.
Frances: What are we going to do about your admirer?
Sam: Ignore it. Let’s get back to work! It’s time to eliminate someone again, that should distract me a bit.
On the set…
Diane: It’s been a tough bread week. Some of you rose nicely, and some of you, yeast didn’t.
Sam: That was a terrible pun, Diane.
Diane: I know. I stand by it, though.
Sam: Anyway… we’re not going to torture you any longer.
Diane: Rita, the judges adored your standing Olympic rings made of sourdough. Ella, your ciabatta Eiffel Tower was enchanting. Sandra, you really blindsided the judges with your challah recreation of your childhood treehouse. However, only one of you can win top baker this week. And that would be… Ella! Congratulations! Alec, Julianna, Paul, you’re all safe as well!
Sam: Holly, your Kris Kringle-themed bread structure was not jolly, but you are safe.
Diane: Clara, you didn’t have a terribly bewitching showing today, but you’re safe as well.
Sam: For some reason, I have to be the bearer of bad news once again.
Diane: You’re better at it.
Sam: Adam, your Gateway Arch inspired by your wife’s native St. Louis collapsed before it was presented to the judges. Mark, your Hollywood Walk of Fame-inspired structure just felt too simplistic to our judges. Only one of you can advance. Sadly, the person going home is… Mark.
Diane: I’m so sorry, you did a great job this season.
In Sam’s dressing room…
Sam: That didn’t help at all! I don’t even remember a Mark this season!
Garry: He didn’t make much of a, well, mark.
Frances: Garry, go or be quiet.
Sam: If you would’ve gotten rid of Holly or Adam, maybe I would’ve felt something and been distracted from thinking of this disturbing basket of chocolate-coated heart-shaped fruit.
Charlotte: We couldn’t get rid of one of our best bakers just to make you feel better.
Sam: Yes, you could’ve! You can do anything, the viewers at home can’t taste the food! You could’ve just said “Sorry Holly, you made the North Pole, that isn’t real, and it didn’t fit the theme of “places you have a connection to.”
Charlotte: She explained it well.
Sam: I don’t care!
Diane: So, since we’re talking about it, what are we going to do about the secret admirer?
Sam: It’s probably just a fan, let’s just not worry about it. It’s not like they sent anything to the hotel or to my house. They just know where we’re filming, that’s all public record.
Frances: Why are you so freaked out and trying to find a distraction, then?
Sam: Because it’s a little frightening. It feels like an episode of Criminal Minds.
Leslie: Well, until they start sending you notes with the lyrics to Every Breath You Take on them, I think it’s pretty innocent.
Sam: Alright, dinner time, then? Clams sound good?
Charlotte: I don’t know if I’ve ever had whole clams for a meal. I guess it’ll be a learning experience.
Sam: Charlotte’s on board, let’s go!
Garry: Are you forgetting anything?
Sam: No, I asked Charlotte and she’s the only one who I don’t know well enough to tell to her face that I don’t care what she wants for dinner.
Frances: Hey!
Garry: That’s not what I meant.
Sam: Well, what did you mean?
Garry: Where are we going to eat? I have to tell my wife where to meet us.
Sam: Oh. Right. Allie’s Clam Shack. I saw an ad for it on TV last night and it looked so good.
Garry: All right, I’ll call Carly and let her know.
Sam: Sounds good! I’ll call Allie up and let her know we’re coming. I think a woman named Allie runs it, at least. No way to know for sure.
Two hours later, at the hotel..
Melanie: Sam, Diane! Another night on the town, I see.
Diane: Sure is, Melanie! I guess we should introduce you to our friends.
Melanie: You did that last week.
Diane: We did?
Melanie: Yeah, you did.
Charlotte: Remember, I made a joke about being British because she didn’t know I was already because she’s the only one in America who doesn’t watch our show.
Sam: Come on, Charlotte. Way more people than that stopped watching before your season started!
Melanie: Joanna did the funniest thing today.
Diane: Oh boy. Guys, listen to her. Her kid is hilarious.
Melanie: Okay, this kid is addicted to zebras. She has zebra toys and zebra posters on her wall and it actually disturbs me to some level because I think she’d rather be a zebra than a human.
Diane: I can relate because my children also did not want to be my children.
Garry: I can’t believe you and I are the only ones that have kids.
Sam: Well, I am a lesbian who does not enjoy children so that’s why I didn’t.
Charlotte: And I’m still young enough!
Frances: Aww. That’s cute.
Melanie: So, Jo comes out of her room this morning in full zebra garb. I mean, zebra sweatpants, zebra shoes and socks, a zebra sweater, zebra gloves, and a zebra hat. I fought with this little kid for like ten minutes to try and get her out of them but she wouldn’t listen. I just didn’t want her to wear something hot and uncomfortable at summer day camp.
Diane: Summer day camp?
Melanie: It’s summer camp, but she comes home at the end of the day. It’s sponsored by the school district, the bus picks her up and everything.
Diane: Oh. That’s nice that they do that.
Melanie: It is, Jo loves it. Now, this kid would not listen to me and I finally gave in and told her to wear it. I made my grandma take her out to the bus because I was so embarrassed to be seen with her like that. She gets home around five hours later and says “mom, you were right. It was too hot.”
Diane: That is adorable.
Melanie: I knew you guys would appreciate it. Anything fun happen to you guys today?
Sam: Define fun.
Melanie: Anything interesting or notable?
Sam: Well, we finished filming episode three of the new season.
Melanie: Fun!
Diane: We went for clams!
Sam: Oh, and I have a stalker.
Frances: A secret admirer.
Sam: A stalker!
Melanie: That reminds me, Sam. A wrapped box was dropped off for you about a half-hour before you got back. Here it is.
Sam: Melanie, did you see who dropped it off?
Melanie: No, it was placed on the counter when I was upstairs helping another guest.
Sam: Terrific.
Melanie: As I think of it, this does seem related to the secret admirer and it is frightening.
Charlotte: Leslie, did any of the press report on what hotel we’re staying in?
Leslie: No, I kept that private because this show is such a big deal, especially in this weird little state.
Charlotte: So Sam does appear to have a stalker.
Sam: I would say so, yes. That’s what I said before but you guys wanted to act like it’s nothing because it made you uncomfortable.
Frances: This guy’s gonna kill us all one by one. And Melanie, you sweet adorable little thing, he’s gonna get you first because you have the keys to our rooms.
Diane: Oh my god, you’re insane.
Melanie: What if she’s not? Look at John Lennon or Selena. It can happen.
Sam: Let’s not put us on that level or dignify Frances’s insanity.
Diane: Yeah, I gotta start watching Bachelor in Paradise with you to calm you down.
Frances: I watch it already. In between my murder shows.
Diane: Lovely.
Melanie: I will see what I can do to keep you all safe. I don’t want you to feel scared to be in your own rooms.
Garry: I’m not scared.
Frances: Garry, shut up.
Garry: I’m not! This is probably just a fan who found out the hotel through a leak and dropped a package off. No big deal.
Sam: I agree with Garry. It’s freaky, but we’re going to keep living our lives.
Melanie: In the meantime, I’ll have someone look over the security footage. Not me, because I don’t know how to do that, but I’ll tell a manager tomorrow.
Diane: Thank you, dear. You’re a doll.
Melanie: Thank you!
Diane: Now, Sam, what do you think about finding out where Bernadette went?
Sam: What on god’s green earth are you talking about?
Diane: Do you want to watch Cate Blanchett’s Where’d You Go, Bernadette? We wanted to watch it last week but didn’t get to because we were talking to Melanie?
Melanie: Sorry!
Sam: That actually sounds like a good distraction.
Frances: I’ll bring popcorn!
Charlotte: I’ll bring candy!
Leslie: I’ll bring myself.
Sam: No one invited you, but sure, come on down. The more the merrier!
Garry: I’ll be in my room.
Sam: Thank. God.
The next day…
Diane: Sam, where are we going today? I need to put it in the GPS.
Sam: We’re driving into Fall River, Massachusetts to go to Lizzie Borden’s house.
Diane: Let me guess. A Frances idea.
Sam: How’d you ever guess?
Charlotte: I just want to say thank you for letting me ride with you guys today. We’re going to be driving a lot today and I don’t have the energy to listen to Frances and Garry bicker as we drive around Lizzie Bordenville or whatever it’s called.
Diane: It’s no problem!
Sam: Now let’s go! It’s gonna be a long day and we don’t have off every day so let’s enjoy it while we have it!
Diane: We get off like four days a week but I get your point.
Sam: Okay, let’s get out of here!
Ten minutes later…
Sam: Diane, I’m worried.
Diane: What’s happening now?
Sam: There is a car that’s been behind us since like two minutes after we left the hotel.
Diane: That’s just because this old lady in front of us is going half the speed limit so we haven’t hit another road. The person behind us can’t not follow us.
Sam: It’s just fishy is all I’m saying.
Charlotte I’ll watch out for them. I’ll let you know when they turn away from us.
Sam: Thank you, I appreciate it. That’s more than Diane’s doing.
Diane: I am driving, Samantha.
Sam: Don’t you even go there. You’re not my mother, you don’t get to call me that.
Charlotte: Hey, Sam.
Sam: What’s going on?
Charlotte: The car just turned.
Sam: Hallelujah!
Charlotte: Yeah, it was being driven by an elderly woman.
Diane: We have a lot of them on the road here, apparently.
Sam: Yes, including in this car.
Diane: That’s it. You can buy your own pierogis for dinner.
Sam: Oh no, how will I get by? I’m not a rich television star or anything.
Diane: You know, it’s not polite to brag about your own wealth.
That night, at the hotel…
Melanie: Hey everybody!
Diane: Melanie! You scared the bejeezus out of me. I almost dropped my “Lizzie did it” coffee mug.
Melanie: Oh, sorry. I’m just excited to see you. I have news!
Frances: Did Sam’s stalker attack you? Did you kill him-slash-her?
Melanie: No, nothing sketchy today.
Sam: What is it then? Did you apply to be on our show? That’s a mistake, the judges are incompetent.
Garry: Hey!
Frances: Well, you are.
Melanie: No, not that. I couldn’t bake to save my life. Or my heart. I got a promotion!
Diane: That’s great! I don’t mean to be selfish, but what does that mean for us?
Melanie: You’re gonna see me a lot more. I’ve been promoted to full-time PM desk clerk. So I’ll be here every night but one or two.
Sam: Isn’t that the same as now?
Melanie: No, now I’ve been working four times a week and that’s just because one of the other girls quit. Something about a stalker freaking her out.
Sam: A what?
Melanie: Just kidding!
Sam: Oh, you. I like you.
Leslie: Anyone that makes Sam have a look like that on their face is a far better troll than I.
Sam: Oh, come on Leslie. You’re a perfect troll. You’re about as tall as one and you wear one of those green face masks, you look like a dwarf Shrek.
Leslie: Just because you’re taller than the Empire State Building doesn’t mean I’m short. I’m sick of this conversation!
Frances: No one asked me but Melanie, you are the perfect height. I’m pretty tall, Diane’s a little tall, Charlotte’s approaching Sam-level tall, you’re perfect.
Melanie: Thank you?
Garry: I’m just surprised no one made fun of my height. It’s so unlike you all.
Sam: Shut up, Dopey.
Diane: Anyway, now that we’re through with… all of that, we also had a big day.
Sam: Yeah, we got our Christmas card!
Diane: It’s me lying on the sofa where Lizzie Borden axed her dad to death with Frances standing over me holding a rubber ax.
Melanie: Oh, that says “yuletide.”
Leslie: I tried to convince them to wait to pick out the Bake Your Heart Out Christmas card photo until we go to Cape Cod in a few weeks, but they wouldn’t listen.
Sam: We really didn’t want Garry in it.
Melanie: If I may ask…
Diane: We all like you, you can ask.
Melanie: What did Garry do to earn being talking to like this?
Sam: He’s just the worst!
Melanie: Thank you, I get it now.
Diane: Well, we should get going up to our room. We have leftover food and a bunch of souvenirs so we gotta get them up. We’ll be down a little later to keep you company for a while.
Melanie: Okay, sounds good!
One hour later, Diane opens up their room’s door.
Sam: What are you doing? You’re not going down now, are you?
Diane: Don’t you see the flashing lights down there?
Sam: Yeah? I live in LA, I’m used to it. Get in here and relax.
Diane: No, those are at the hotel.
Sam: Oh. I still don’t get it.
Diane: I’m worried about Melanie. What if something happened to her. She’s down there all alone.
Sam: Someone probably just died in one of the rooms or something.
Diane: Way to look on the bright side.
Sam: Do you want to go down and check on Melanie?
Diane: Yes.
Sam: Go ask Frances.
Diane: Man, you are hard to get along with sometimes.
Sam: Sometimes?
Sam and Diane walk down to the lobby.
Melanie: Guys! Thank god you came. Big news!
Sam: Assuming this isn’t about the promotion.
Melanie: He came back, and your girl was ready this time.
Sam: The stalker came back? What did you do?
Melanie: Okay, I saw him come in the lobby with a basket with your name on it. I freaked out, but accepted the package from him and told him I’d give it to you.
Diane: I knew it was a guy!
Sam: Yes, thank you, Columbo. Her full name is Diane Kojak Fletcher, do you know that?
Diane: No need to get testy.
Melanie: Anyway, as soon as he left, I checked the security camera from our parking lot. Someone taught me to do it today. I called 9-1-1 and I told them what was going on and they sent an officer. I just told him everything and they’re going to track him down and find him.
Sam: That’s incredible.
Diane: It is. I don’t even think I’d go through that much trouble for her.
Melanie: It’s nothing. You’re basically the only people here that have ever shown me kindness. Making sure you don’t get murdered or kidnapped truly is the least I could do.
Sam: Be honest. You’d let them kill Garry, right?
Melanie: Of course not.
Sam: You are truly too pure for this world.
Melanie: The cops said they’d call when they found the guy. I can call up to your room when that happens if you want. It may be a little while.
Sam: Nah, we’ll wait here with you. I’m sure Diane has a lot of stories to tell.
Diane: I sure do!
Ninety minutes later, after Melanie gets off the phone…
Melanie: That was the cops. They found your stalker, Sam. He’s in police custody now.
Sam: Oh, thank god. This is all because of you.
Frances: She could be dead in a ditch somewhere without you!
Sam: I can’t believe you came down to sit with us. Isn’t there a murder show for you to be watching right now?
Frances: Leslie wanted the TV so she could watch Big Brother. Speaking of which, Melanie, my bedroom TV isn’t working.
Melanie: I’ll go check it out.
Frances: Thanks, you’re a doll.
Melanie: So, this guy was clearly stalking you for a while. He had a camera filled with pictures of you from when you were home in Los Angeles, when you were in New York, and when you were on the set here. There were even pictures of you in Massachusetts today. The officer said it appeared to be taken from a car driving behind your vehicle.
Sam: See, I told you someone was following us!
Diane: Yeah, ten minutes from the hotel. Not in Massachusetts. Plus, that car turned away.
Charlotte: I may have been lying about that.
Sam: I could have died.
Frances: She could have!
Melanie: No need to worry, everyone’s fine now. You can live care-free now, he's not going to bother you again. The cops are probably going to call you soon, though. Just to fill you in on everything.
Sam: Then I guess we better get up to the room. I need to rest anyway after all of today’s events.
Diane: Yeah. You almost falling off a battleship was pretty crazy.
Melanie: You almost did what?
Sam: That can be a tomorrow story. See you then, Melanie!
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return next week for another all-new episode and read new spinoff Frances In the Kitchen Monday at 8!
