Betty: It’s time, everyone! Get your butts out of bed, we have to get out of here and on the road! Vacation starts now!
Cindy: Mom, it’s six in the morning. We are going to Williamsburg, which is one hour away. There is no need for this. Vacation is supposed to be relaxing.
Betty: What idiot ever said vacation was meant to be relaxing?
Cindy: I did.
Betty: Whoops, sorry.
Teri: I was packing until midnight. Then it took me another hour to get ready for bed and fall asleep. I am operating on five hours of sleep, and for what? Nothing fun opens at seven in the morning! We can’t even check in our hotel rooms for another half a day.
Betty: Well, if you didn’t insist on going to Washington for the Olivia Rodrigo concert, maybe you could’ve packed earlier in the week like the rest of us.
Teri: You are such an idiot.
Karl: Teri, don’t call your mother an idiot.
Betty: You’re the one being an idiot!
Teri: Dad, are you gonna tell her not to call me an idiot?
Karl: I’m staying out of it.
Ralph: Why are we even going on vacation in Williamsburg? It’s like right down the road from us.
Betty: You are all so ungrateful for this precious family time!
Karl: With the expenses for the boutique, we didn’t have money for a luxurious vacation away this year. Williamsburg is a nice city and it’s going to be a fun trip for us.
Ralph: What about the house in Maine?
Karl: We have long-term tenants staying there right now.
Ralph: Couldn’t we have waited to go on vacation until after they left? It’s only May.
Karl: Your mother -
Betty: Don’t put this on me.
Karl: You were the one that demanded we go on vacation in May.
Betty: It’s a nice time to go, we can beat the summer crowds.
Teri: Does it ever get crowded in Colonial Williamsburg? Isn’t that more of a field trip destination than a vacation hub?
Jerry: Are you guys going to help carry the luggage to the cars or are you going to chitchat?
Karl: I’ll help. Let them complain about where we’re going on vacation, as if this isn’t something they’ve known for two months.
Jerry: I don’t want you helping and throwing your back out. I’ll get Frank to help.
Frank: You will?
Jerry: I will. You can start with Betty’s bag. It’s the one that weighs as much as ten concrete blocks.
Frank: What car does it go in?
Jerry: Well, it’s Betty’s bag… do the math.
Frank: All right, here goes nothing.
Jerry: I swear, I am surrounded by idiots.
Teri: I agree, Jerry. You really are.
Four hours later…
Velma: Wow, we finally made it. It took three times as long as it should take anyone to get here, but we made it.
Betty: I told you parking would be hard to find downtown!
Teri: It was hard to find because we’re still in the hours where they’re cleaning the streets!
Ralph: You know, most people don’t plan a full day’s worth of activities on the day they travel to their destination.
Betty: And what a waste! This is a full extra day of vacation we’d be missing out on!
Teri: Do they have a spa here? I need somewhere quiet and relaxing.
Betty: No time for that! Today, were going to visit the shops here in town and then we’re going to visit the campus of the College of William and Mary.
Tammi: We’re going to college?
Teri: I’m actually in favor of that. We need to educate Frank somehow!
Steven: Grandma, I really don’t want to think about school while I’m on break from, you know, school.
Teri: Honey, you’re on vacation in Williamsburg. This place is like if school was a town.
Betty: Don’t think of it as a school, Steven. It’s an immersive historical experience.
Mitchell: It’s a school.
Betty: Why are you all so damn negative?
Velma: Because last year our vacation was a trip to Mexico and this year we’re close enough to home that we could drive home and back over the course of the average Mitchell afternoon nap.
Mitchell: I don’t nap on vacation.
Velma: Disney World…
Mitchell: That was different. I had a stomach bug.
Velma: Oh, you had a bug all right…
Betty: We are all standing in a parking lot arguing about nonsense when we could be enjoying ourselves! Just allow yourselves to have fun and I promise you will! It’s a great city.
Ralph: Mom talks about Williamsburg like it’s the lost city of Atlantis. We’ve all been here many times, you don’t have to try and sell it to us. None of us want to buy it.
Betty: Well, I am going to try to have fun! If you don’t want to, then don’t! I don’t care.
Danielle: I’m gonna have fun, too! They have a shop that sells only peanuts and their products are delicious!
Jerry: They sell what? Peni-
Danielle: Get your mind out of the gutter!
Tammi: That will never happen.
Zeke: He’s the reason I’m so screwed up.
Jerry: Don’t put that all on me! Your mother did it, too!
Cindy: Did what, exactly?
Mitchell: This is easily the most exciting thing to happen so far on this vacation.
Cindy: I’m waiting for an answer, Jerry.
Betty: To the peanut store!
Teri: We went on vacation to buy peanuts? Wow, this is more of a bust than I ever could have imagined.
Betty: It’s something your friend wants to do. Is there a problem with that?
Teri: At least I don’t have to learn anything at the peanut store.
Later that night…
Teri: You know what I love about this hotel?
Betty: There’s something you love about this vacation? It’s a miracle!
Teri: The hotel. I love something about the hotel. Specifically, the fact that we’re in a different townhouse than Frank. I may not be thrilled about the vacation destination, but I’m going to enjoy this week with less Frank.
Betty: Well, enjoy it while it lasts, because I invited everyone over for dinner tonight.
Teri: Why?
Betty: Family vacation!
Teri: We don’t have room at the table for thirteen people. We don’t even have room for seven of us.
Danielle: Teri, don’t be such negative Nancy. Stop worrying about vacation and enjoy it!
Teri: I’m not negative! I’m trying to enjoy it, maybe I will once we start doing something more exciting than shopping for peanuts and cheese and touring a college like an eighteen year-old.
Betty: We’re going to Colonial Williamsburg for at least the next three days.
Teri: Oy.
Betty: It’s fun! We’ll get to visit a mental hospital -
Ralph: Can we leave you there?
Betty: We’ll see the old courthouse and the Governor’s Palace and it’s going to be a great time.
Teri: I will try to have fun, that’s all I can do.
Betty: Thank you, that’s all I ask.
Mitchell: You wouldn’t need to try to have fun in Aruba…
Velma: We can’t even afford a vacation to Alabama, let alone Aruba. You moron.
Betty: No arguing on family vacation!
Teri: Yes, no arguing this week. We’re a twelve minute drive from home, so we have to do something to differentiate this week from a normal week.
Betty: Teri! What did I just say?
Teri: Sorry, mom.
The next day in the hotel parking lot…
Betty: I’m so glad you’re all actually ready on time today! This is so rare!
Jerry: Betty, what in the hell are you wearing?
Teri: We had a whole conversation about this. Don’t get her started.
Betty: I am wearing authentic colonial garb, just like what was worn back in the 1700s.
Jerry: You know the workers at Colonial Williamsburg are supposed to wear that, and not the visitors, right?
Betty: I can wear it if I want to.
Danielle: It’s 2022, Jerry. Don’t you know mean aren’t supposed to be policing what women wear on their own bodies?
Betty: Thank you, Danielle!
Jerry: I’m afraid she’ll die of heatstroke!
Ralph: I’ve seen her lay under five blankets while wearing three sweaters and a flannel onesie. She’s immune to heatstroke.
Karl: Are we talking or going? We want to beat the crowds, remember?
Cindy: You’re right, we should go. Let mom dress as dumb as she wants. Frank, did you remember the cooler?
Frank: I knew I was forgetting something!
Zeke: We give him one job…
Tammi: Hey, that’s more jobs that we gave you.
Zeke: I’m reckless and irresponsible. Frank is supposed to be a grownup, even if he is the most annoying man on earth.
Tammi: That was uncalled for.
Teri: At least Zeke recognizes him as a man. I haven’t yet ruled out that he’s an alien.
Tammi: You think Steven is half alien?
Teri: Could be!
Danielle: I think that was a plot on The X-Files, actually.
Karl: Everyone, in the cars. Now!
Jerry: Sir, yessir!
One hour later, at the Colonial Williamsburg Visitor Center…
Betty: I look ridiculous!
Jerry: You don’t say…
Betty: Even the workers aren’t dressed in colonial outfits.
Tammi: I think that’s because this building was built in, like, 1955. They didn’t wear bonnets and petticoats then. It’s supposed to feel modern.
Velma: The 50s? Well, then they could at least dress like the waitresses at the 50s Prime Time Cafe in Disney World. Mitchell didn’t get to go there be-
Mitchell: Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!
Teri: Can we just get out of here and get to where we’re supposed to be? We have our tickets, now we can go tour any weird-smelling, mildew-filled buildings we want to!
Betty: They don’t smell weird. Not that I’m aware of, anyway.
Cindy: I can’t explain why, but I just know the entire place is going to smell faintly of a burning fire. That’s what I think of when I think of Colonial Williamsburg.
Teri: That’s great, Cindy.
Karl: We can either walk there or drive there. It’s not a far walk, but we’ll be doing a lot of walking today. Whatever you guys want to do.
Teri: There’s a shuttle, let’s take that.
Karl: Sounds good to me!
Two hours later…
Frank: Is anyone else up for lunch?
Mitchell: I am!
Frank: I’m not surprised.
Tammi: Where do you want to go?
Betty: The bakery has a lot of good food. Sandwiches, paninis, muffins.
Teri: Ah, yes, paninis, just as our forefathers ate during the revolution.
Frank: The bakery sounds good to me.
Betty: Good, ‘cause it’s the closest place to eat and my feet are tired.
Teri: We’re eating lunch at eleven, look schoolchildren on a field trip. Such fun!
Velma: Have you not had any fun? Come on, that tour of the armory was a blast!
Teri: I was anxious the entire time that you were going to grab a gun and shoot Mitchell.
Velma: Oh, don’t be silly! Those guns weren’t loaded! Right?
Mitchell: Was that the only thing stopping you?
Velma: That, and pesky homicide laws.
Betty: We’re going to visit a congressman’s house after lunch. Lots of history there!
Teri: Yay! Hopefully there’s a pop quiz after this stop!
Karl: We should eat at one of these taverns for dinner tonight. I’m in the mood for chowder. I heard they had good chowder.
Teri: You know where else they have good chowder? New England. Why are we not there?
Frank: New England is a socialist hellh-
Tammi: Frank, stop.
Frank: I’m just messing around.
Tammi: This vacation is one bad joke away from utter ruin. No joking.
Cindy: Also, really lazy joke. SNL-level laziness.
Frank: That’s harsh.
Cindy: It’s true.
Jerry: When do you watch SNL?
Cindy: With mom.
Jerry: Wow, she really wants us all to suffer.
Betty: I resent that!
The next night…
Teri: It’s seven o’clock, why are we going out again?
Ralph: Yeah, isn’t it past Mitchell’s bedtime?
Velma: Mitchell does not have a bedtime.
Mitchell: Thank you, honey!
Velma: Every minute of every day is his bedtime.
Mitchell: I retract that “thank you.”
Velma: As expected.
Betty: This is going to be fun! We’re going to a witch trial at the old courthouse!
Teri: Guilty. You’re guilty. I vote guilty.
Betty: Haha.
Teri: I have to say, I am enjoying this trip more than I’d expected.
Cindy: Jerry, hold me so I don’t faint.
Teri: It’s true! Aside from mom nearly fainting yesterday because she wore a colonial dress amid a surprise heatwave, it’s actually been fun. The food is also excellent.
Mitchell: It’s no Aruba, but -
Ralph: We get it, you’ve been to Aruba. Most of us don’t even know what that is!
Jerry: And we’re generally fine with that. It’s okay to not be a geography buff.
Tammi: Dad, the tour guide asked you today who you thought was president when the Governor’s Palace was built and you said “I dunno, Reagan?” Geography is not your only lack.
Jerry: w was a joke!
Betty: You know how we can learn some more history? If we get to this witch trial! Let’s get in the car and go!
Ralph: Witches aren’t real, we won’t be learning anything here. This is all a charade.
Teri: So you’re saying it’s all a bunch of Hocus Pocus?
Ralph: I guess, yeah.
Teri: That’s what the residents of Salem said in the beloved cult hit Hocus Pocus. The Sanderson Sisters proved them wrong! Keep an open mind, maybe this woman really is a witch.
The next day, at dinner…
Cindy: I can’t believe we’re eating out for dinner again! I feel so fancy!
Ralph: Cindy, we are eating on an un-sanded wood table in a restaurant without air conditioning or a functioning restroom. I don’t think “fancy” is the word that comes to mind.
Cindy: What are you, the fancy police?
Ralph: No, but I am a chef.
Mitchell: Oh, here we go.
Ralph: I’m not saying the food isn’t good, but I don’t think Michelin is in any rush to hand this place any stars.
Teri: Can’t you just enjoy it for what it is?
Ralph: Are you kidding me? You’re saying this? We heard you complain for two days straight about the fact that we’re even in this town at all!
Teri: I’ve changed my tune since then! I’m enjoying it here!
Betty: You are?
Teri: Hell yeah!
Cindy: Don’t use such strong language, the church is right next door.
Teri: Oops, sorry God!
Karl: I knew you’d come around.
Teri: What’s not to love? It’s informative, they have cannons, there’s horse-drawn carriages, you can sit in seats our founding fathers may have sat in, you can lock mom in an asylum cell, you can entirely gloss over that slavery ever happened. It’s awesome!
Cindy: Has my sister been kidnapped and replaced by someone else?
Teri: It took me a while to warm up, yes. I’m used to beach vacations near shark-infested waters I can’t swim in, in towns filled with people who can’t pronounce the letter “r” and think the Red Sox are a good baseball team. This is a nice change of pace, though!
Betty: I’m glad you’ve enjoyed Colonial Williamsburg. I wish you’d have listened to me earlier instead of being in a foul mood about it, but this is better than nothing!
Teri: Enjoyed? We still have four more days here!
Betty: We’re going to Busch Gardens the next three days, and then to Jamestown on Saturday.
Teri: Are you joking right now? I was just getting used to this being my stopping grounds! We can’t abandon it now!
Betty: Well, we could always come here tomorrow and cut a day of Busch Gardens.
Steven: I will never speak to any of you again if you do that.
Betty: Okay, Busch Gardens it is!
Teri: Okay, fine. Roller coasters aren’t as cool as learning, but whatever.
Karl: We might have to make this an annual trip!
Teri: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, pappy. The seas of New England continue to call my name.
Jerry: We live an hour away from here, I think we can make that drive once a year if we really want to.
Teri: Why are you worrying about how far away it is?
Jerry: I wish I could hit you.
What did you think of this episode Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return for the season finale next week!
