Denise walks into Aimee’s office.
Lynette: Hey! You can’t co- oh, just Denise.
Denise: Who’d you think it was?
Lynette: Victor’s been sneaking around. Everyone else knocks but him, so I just assumed.
Denise: Sorry for the rudeness, Aimee. I was just in a hurry.
Aimee: I don’t mind.
Carolyn: The guard dog sure minds. Doesn’t the gentlelady from Wyoming have anything better to do with her time than sit around here?
Lynette: Not since your buddy Victor took my leadership role away. I’m from Wyoming, Carolyn. I have no constituents. What constituent services would I be performing?
Alec: Come on, Lynette. Your district, which encompasses your entire state, almost has as many residents as our districts. Almost. Surely some of them are busy.
Denise: I don’t mean to intrude on the passive aggressive play fights, but we need to get to debate prep, Aimee.
Aimee: Damn, is that today? Why do we even need a debate, it’s not like Jankler is gonna show up. Unless he’s on work release, that is.
Denise: Don’t you see the ground we can gain on him with this? You’re barely up in the polls, even with the scandal. This debate will only stand as a reminder of why he can’t win this race. So, let’s get ready for it, make sure you’re tuned in to all the key issues, and then you can get on with your day. And remember, I flew all the way here from Washington to help you here
Aimee: Well, when you put it that way, I guess it can’t hurt. Although, I’m quite in-tune with all the issues so you’ve got no reason to worry about that.
Denise: You’re a Republican trying to win in Washington. Let’s make sure we don’t remind the voters of that.
Alec: You don’t think socialists in Seattle will be motivated to vote for Aimee if she talks about tax reform and the Second Amendment and defunding Planned Parenthood?
Aimee: So what am I allowed to talk about?
Denise: This is why we’re practicing! I’ve printed out a list of topics that I think will be good to discuss.
Aimee: This only has two bullet points on it.
Denise: Two very important ones!
Aimee: “Not a murderer” and “the gays.” What does that even mean?
Denise: It means you are not a murderer and that you’re a different sort of Republican when it comes to LGBT issues.
Aimee: I have more things than just that to endear myself to Democratic voters.
Denise: Such as?
Aimee: Okay, so can we work on getting the HRC endorsement?
Carolyn: That is a -
Aimee: Don’t you dare say anything offensive.
Carolyn: It’s a great idea! That’s all I was saying.
Alec: I think we all know that’s not what you were going to say.
Carolyn: I’m a very accepting person! Why does no one think I am?
Lynette: Because we know you?
Carolyn: God, I feel like I’m with a bunch of Democrats right now.
Nanette: Knock knock!
Alec: Why does she always say it instead of using her hand to knock?
Lynette: She’s old and fragile, it would hurt her hand to put it up against a wood door.
Aimee: Come on in, Speaker Peretti. The more the merrier.
Nanette: I feel like I’ve stumbled into a meeting of the “Moderate Republicans Club.”
Lynette: And Carolyn.
Carolyn: I am a sensible, common-sense con-
Lynette: Shut up.
Nanette: I just wanted to stop by to let you all know that I’ve rescheduled the vote on the drug pricing bill. It’s now taking place in one hour instead of four.
Lynette : It feels so funny to have the Democratic House leader come tell us about a scheduling change instead of our own party leader. It’s because he’s too chicken.
Nanette: Well, that and, I was in the area.
Aimee: Don’t kid yourself, you like us!
Nanette: I enjoy our conversations, yes. Now, please be there for the vote, congresswoman. I know you’ll vote in favor of it. You other three don’t need to show up if you don’t want. Your choice.
Carolyn: That was cold.
Denise: Well, I guess we’d better get to debate prep before you need to go.
Aimee: Denise, I have to read the bill before I vote on it.
Nanette: It’s just the same as the la-
Aimee: I have to read it, Nanette.
Nanette: Yes, you sure do.
Denise: Fine, we’ll do debate prep later tonight. The debate is next Monday, though. That’s four days away. We do not have time to waste.
Aimee: I will not waste time. I’m very efficient with my time.
Alec: I don’t know if I’d call these meeting “efficient,” but you are a good worker.
Carolyn: A good enough worker to cram what should have been a few weeks’ worth of debate prep into four days? We’ll see!
Aimee: You are all so negative. I am pregnant!
Lynette: We’re aware, dear.
The next week, in Aimee’s dressing room at the debate…
Geraldine: Howdy!
Aimee: Gerry! What are you doing in Spokane?
Geraldine: I’m from Oklahoma, Aimee. Would you spend time there if you didn’t need to?
Aimee: Well, I suppose not. But why are you here, specifically?
Geraldine: Have you seen the slate of Republican senate candidates I’ve put together? They aren’t great. I’m here to support my brightest hope.
Aimee: That’s very kind of you.
Geraldine: Please don’t screw up. I have invested so much into this race, I will never be able to live it down if you lose to a murderer.
Kimmy: He’s only an attempted murderer. That would make it less embarrassing, right?
Geraldine: Not quite. And, did I catch your name?
Aimee: You’ve never met my family, senator. That’s my sister, Kimmy.
Geraldine: Sister? She’s a bit…
Kimmy: Young? Asian? Beautiful? I get all three. Especially the last one. A lot.
Geraldine: I was just surprised you’re related because you don’t lo-
Aimee: She’s adopted. I have a few adopted siblings, she’s the only one that has yet to leave the nest.
Kimmy: I’ll do it when I’m good and ready!
Aimee: This is my dad, Ernesto. He jokes a lot.
Ernesto: Are you here to talk to me about refinancing my house?
Cherie: Again, he jokes. Too much.
Aimee: And that’s my mom, Cherie!
Cherie: I don’t appreciate being made to feel old, but Aimee likes you, so I can let it go.
Geraldine: Your daughter is a remarkable political talent.
Cherie: We’ve always known that! It took you too long to see it, but I’m glad you caught on.
Aimee: This is my aunt, Victoria. She’s a Democrat, but she supports me.
Geraldine: I’m glad you don’t excuse attempted murder. You’d be surprised how many people are willing to.
Victoria: Well, you all are attempted murderers in a way, destroying our planet and such.
Kimmy: Aunt Victoria, even I managed to keep my mouth shut.
Victoria: I have to tell her my truth.
Denise: I don’t mean to be rude to anyone, but we really need to let Aimee relax and unwind and get ready for this debate.
Cherie: Good idea, Denise. This is quite the opportunity for her!
Geraldine: I guess that means it’s time for me to g-
Dave: I’m Dave, I’m Aimee’s husband!
Aimee: Don’t cut her off, Dave.
Dave: What? I had to introduce myself! No one did it for me.
Geraldine: It’s nice to meet you, Dave.
Denise: Okay, time for everyone head to their seats in the audience. Everyone say “See you soon Aimee! Good luck!”
Kimmy: I can’t go yet, I gotta make sure Aimee has perfected the art of liberalism.
Aimee: Denise, everyone has to go, but most of all, Kimmy has to go.
Kimmy: What’d I say?
Aimee: You’re gonna mess my head up so bad, I’ll endorse medicare-for-all on that stage.
Kimmy: That would be so cool of you. Could you do that?
Aimee: I’ll see you all later!
Ernesto: Don’t screw up out there! I was watching debate fails online and a lady dabbed in the middle of her closing argument. Don’t do that!
Aimee: Was not planning on it!
Ernesto: Good!
Kimmy: I think she should do it, that could get the TikTokers on her side!
Aimee: Go! Now!
Kimmy: Fine, you don’t want my help, I’m going! Try not to lose your debate against no one!
Ernesto: And don’t tell voters you’ll raise their taxes! People don’t like that!
Aimee: Why would I ever do that?
Ernesto: I don’t know how much you’ve been listening to Kimmy!
Kimmy: Even I wouldn’t try to sabotage her that badly.
Victoria: We have to raise takes on the 1%, at least.
Aimee: Mom, please take your children and go. All three of them.
Cherie: Don’t leave me with them.
Thirty minutes later, on the debate stage…
Esther Harvetty: Hello everyone, and welcome to the first and only debate in the 2022 US Senate race here in Washington. I’m Esther Harvetty, your moderator.
Lou Spatz: And I’m Lou Spatz, your co-modertor.
Esther: Tonight’s debate is an unusual one, with only one candidate participating in today’s event. Let’s introduce her.
Lou: She’s a five-term Republican Congresswoman from Battle Ground who represents Washington’s 3rd Congressional in our nation’s capitol, please welcome Aimee Ferrera Donahue.
Esther: Welcome, congresswoman. We’re happy to have you.
Aimee: So thrilled to be here.
Esther: This is when we’d typically have the ceremonial pre-debate handshake, but this is no typical debate. Let’s start with your opening statement.
Aimee: People call me The Battle Axe from Battle Ground. That’s because I get things done. I’m not a partisan, I’m a worker. I work for you, Washington. I am strong in my convictions, and in my beliefs, but I never put personal ideology over this state’s wellbeing. I trust my judgment, and I trust myself. But I also am a person who is able to change her mind when presented with alternate viewpoints and facts. Facts guide my life. Truth guides my life. Without it, what do we have? Facts will always guide my service in the Senate, not partisan politics. Washington needs a senator who not only can abide by our laws, but also, one who will always put their country and state over their party. That person is me. I’m Aimee Ferrera Donahue, I am proud American, and I want to be your next senator.
Lou: Thank you, congresswoman. Let’s begin by addressing the elephant in the room, or, rather, not in the room. This debate is being held without the participation of Democratic nominee Evan Jankler due to his criminal indictment and arrest. How do you respond to that development?
Aimee points to the empty podium beside her.
Aimee: Washington, only one candidate for US Senate has shown up here today to debate. That’s because only one candidate for US Senate has not been arrested in a murder-for-hire scheme. I’ve been clear on this issue, I trust the courts to handler Lieutenant Governor Jankler’s legal issues, but I fully believe that his legal troubles are disqualifying. This is not a political hit job or a matter of parking tickets or a DUI or a financial crime. Evan Jankler is accused of hiring someone to take the life of another. As a mother, I don’t want my or anyone’s children looking up to that man. Our public servants are supposed to set a positive example for others. Evan Jankler betrayed that trust that the public bestowed upon him. Let’s keep him from the Senate.
Esther: Congresswoman, this is a state in which Democrats undeniably outnumber Republicans, and it seems you will need Democrats to vote for you in order to win this election. How do you plan to win them over to your side?
Aimee: Well, I want to point to my record. I have a record of standing up for human rights, and standing up for those less fortunate than I. That’s a platform I think everyone can agree on.
Esther: Any specific plans?
Aimee: I have long been an advocate for LGBTQ+ rights. I think discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity is ridiculous, and I’ve been happy to stand up against my own party in instances where the majority of them don’t see it that way.
Lou: You voted to impeach President Delphy for inciting a riot against the US Capitol, and you were thrust into the national spotlight by appearing as a witness during the Senate trial. How did that experience shape your views and do you stand by your impeachment vote?
Aimee: I do. Look, I am a centrist Republican. That means I disagree with both parties all the time. What the President did is one of the worst betrayals of our Constitution ever committed by a President. It was an embarrassment, and, to put it mildly, Vice President Ducovney should be our President right now. The Senate abandoned its duties by acquitting an obviously-guilty man. That’s all I have to say about that.
One hour later…
Esther: It’s been an intense night of… can you call it debating?
Lou: Someone ask Webster’s Dictionary.
Esther: It’s time to wrap things up. Let’s get to our closing argument. Congresswoman, you have the floor.
Aimee: Washington, Election Day is in a month. Ballots are being sent out so soon, and this is my best chance to speak to you all. Washington, when you fill in your ballots, I want you to think about the future you want for this state. I want you to choose common-sense, principled leadership, and decency, over divisiveness and darkness. I understand the limited scope of the job, I can’t save America, but I will do everything as a senator to better this state and country. I’ll work incredibly hard for you and your families, because I am one of you. I’m a mother who just wants a better future for her family to grow up in. I believe I will lead us down that path, and I hope you believe that, too. I’m Aimee Ferrera Donahue, and I’ll be there for you.
Esther: Thank you to our viewers, our in-studio audience, and Congresswoman Aimee Ferrera Donahue for your time.
In Aimee’s dressing room…
Denise: You killed it!
Aimee: By that, you mean I did well, right? Not that I killed my chances of being elected?
Denise: You did even better than I could have dreamed.
There is a knock at the door.
Aimee: I wonder who that could be…
Cherie: Aimee! That was wonderful!
Aimee: I’ve been told.
Ernesto: You really dug into that clown! This is so embarrassing for him!
Kimmy: You sounded like a Democrat.
Victoria: We are so proud of you!
Cherie: Most importantly, you sounded like a senator. I don’t know how anyone can vote for that man after that performance.
Victoria: Well, he wasn’t there to defend himself… some people may want to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Cherie: Are you some people?
Victoria: Of course not! Would I spend months of my life volunteering for a campaign I didn’t believe in?
Kimmy: I did.
Dave: Your red-headed friend sighed a couple times.
Victoria: She seemed to dislike that you acknowledged the existence of climate change.
Aimee: What wins in Washington is not what wins in Oklahoma. I don’t know what to tell her.
Geraldine: You have nothing to tell. I didn’t agree with some of the things you said out there, but you said what you thought made you electable in this state. That’s what matters.
Ernesto: She said what she believes. She’s not some chameleon.
Geraldine: Well, you keep saying that, because the audience ate it up! Now, I have to get back to Oklahoma. I will see you back in DC?
Aimee: You aren’t staying overnight?
Geraldine: Nope, catching the redeye to OKC.
Aimee: Safe travels, and thanks for the support.
Geraldine: I think think is the first of many adventures together, Aimee.
Geraldine leaves.
Cherie: She’s fun!
Victoria: She’s kinda scary, I thought.
Ernesto: You’re just saying that because she’s a Republican.
Victoria: No, I’m saying that because she set the metal detector off like five times when we were walking in here.
Denise: Big news, Aimee! One-hundred percent of viewers thought you won the debate! Isn’t that incredible?
Cherie: I always told you you were a good debater.
Aimee: I’ve found that I can really excel when I have no one to debate against. Who would have guessed?
Ernesto: Don’t sell yourself short.
Victoria: Yes, being short is Ernesto’s job!
Ernesto: At least I have a job!
Victoria: You don't need a job when you have independent wealth!
Cherie: All these years later and I still have no idea what that means or where you got your fortune.
Victoria: I’m a wise woman, Cherie. I used my brain.
Aimee: I don’t know what conversation is unfolding before me, but I am tired and I want to go home, read to my kids, and go to sleep.
Dave: Then that’s what we’ll do. It’s been a long day, time to go.
Kimmy: You’re not coming to the afterparty?
Aimee: What afterparty?
Kimmy: There is none, I was just trying to get your goat.
Aimee: I don’t have a goat.
Dave: Yeah, she’s tired. I’m going to get her home. It’s been nice seeing you all, and I will see you all again tomorrow.
Ernesto: Unfortunately for you.
Three days later, in Aimee’s DC office…
Victor: Aimee, can I come in?
Aimee: I’d prefer that you didn’t.
Victor: I only wanted to congratulate you on your debate performance on Friday. You were on fire.
Aimee: You watched?
Victor: You’re the party’s best chance at flipping a senate seat this year. Of course I watched!
Aimee: You always were so sentimental.
Victor: I’m assuming you’ve heard the big news?
Aimee: Why is everyone always so vague?
Victor: The DSCC is pulling all of their ad buys for Jankler’s campaign. They’re cutting him off entirely.
Aimee: They haven’t done that already?
Victor: You didn’t know that already?
Aimee: I’ve had other things to worry about, Victor. I have to look both ways when I walk out of a building to make sure I’m not going to get stabbed by one of the president’s crazy fans.
Victor: Really?
Aimee: No. But I have been busy.
Victor: I miss our meetings. We had fun.
Aimee: And then you ruined it. Now, time to go. I have phone calls to make. I appreciate the information, though.
Victor: I’m s-
Aimee: I don’t want to hear it.
Victor: I’m sorr-
Aimee: Victor!
Victor: It’s been nice seeing you.
Aimee: Yeah. Bye, bud!
Aimee picks up the phone and calls her friend and Democratic Senate Campaign Committee Chair, Milton Landfield.
Aimee: Milton, is it true?
Milton: Hello, Aimee. I wonder what this possibly could be about.
Aimee: You’re pulling Jankler’s ads?
Milton: Sort of? We’re pulling Democratic senate ads in Washington. Our ads didn’t mention him at all.
Aimee: I wonder why?
Milton: You’re going to be a senator, Aimee. You’re up thirteen points in the latest poll.
Aimee: That’s such a lucky number.
Milton: It is for you.
Aimee: So you’re really conceding this seat already? I didn’t realize it’d be so easy.
Milton: He’s the one who has been charged with attempted murder, but you committed an actual murder at that debate. There was like a fifteen percent shift in the polls after that. We’re not coming back from that when we can’t even highlight our candidate. Don’t tell Kate or Ellie, but I’m happy for you.
Aimee: I know you’ve been rooting for me this whole time.
Milton: For you to lose by a respectable margin so you could end your career with dignity? Yes, I was rooting for that.
Aimee: Well, thank you for giving up. I appreciate it so very much.
Milton: You’re welcome! I won’t go easy on you in 2028, though!
Aimee: You won’t be DSCC chair in 2028.
Milton: Shh!
Later that day…
Lynette: Okay, I’ll bite. What’s the big news?
Carolyn: Are you going to brag about your debate performance? He wasn’t even there, Aimee. Just because Twitter turned you into a meme doesn’t mean anything.
Alec: Don’t be so negative, she was great!
Aimee: I am leading by thirteen points in the latest poll. A full baker’s dozen!
Carolyn: You really trust the polls? Come on, Aimee. I thought It taught you better than that!
Aimee: The DSCC trusts them. They’re pulling all their ads in Washington. They’re basically abandoning the seat.
Lynette: Oh, wow. You really are gonna win!
Aimee: You didn’t believe I was going to win before?
Lynette: Well, it’s Washington…
Carolyn: And we’re about to have our first Republican senator in over twenty years! Thank god for Evan Jankler!
Alec: Carolyn, he tried to kill a woman.
Carolyn: That came out wrong.
Alec: I know we’re all very excited for Aimee, and that may lead us to express support for attempted murder-for-hire. It happens.
Aimee: I guess I need to go talk to Gerry about this, get those ads fired up and broadcast across the state.
Carolyn: Your face is going to be on every billboard from Spokane to Olympia.
Alec: You should come up with a catchy commercial jingle.
Aimee: I’m running for Senate, not starting a workplace injury law firm.
Lynette (singing): Aimee for you and me. I’m voting Donahue, and you should, too.
Alec: That’s actually pretty good. Color me shocked!
Lynette: I’m smarter than I look, Kefauver.
Alec: Good, ‘cause you look…
Lynette: Dont’ say it.
Aimee: You look great, Lynette. Now, can you scribble that jingle down for me? I want to sent it to Denise.
Lynette: I forget it.
Carolyn: I remember, but I need co-writing credits if I repeat it.
Lynette: Fine…
Aimee: Thank god I have such loyal friends on my side. And they're sane, too.
