Marietta walks off the airport bridge at Los Angeles International Airport.
Marietta: Are you people coming? We only have a week here! The way you’re moving, it’s like you think we’re here a month!
Patty Lynn: I’m old, Marietta.
Kathleen: You don’t say?
Patty Lynn: We just got off a four-hour flight, my bones are tired and creaky and my muscles are aching. Forgive me for being a bit slower than usual.
Sarah: I have a good excuse, too. I was in the middle of a nap when we landed. I’m still sort of out of it.
Tammy: You could sleep on that plane? I’m jealous.
Mitch: Yeah, so am I. I couldn’t sleep because Tammy was squeezing my arm throughout the flight.
Tammy: I was scared!
Milton: You couldn’t have gotten any sleep, anyway. People kept coming up to you to ask for your autograph and to get selfies with you.
Mitch: You think they’d wake up the former president just to get a selfie with him?
Milton: People are idiots, Mitch. I know they would.
Marietta: We don’t need to have a whole conversation at the gate of LAX. Let’s just collect our bags and get to the hotel.
Milton: Are you the boss of airports? Is talking banned now?
Marietta: Standing in one place and talking is, yes. It’s rude to stand in the way like this.
Martin: If you’re that concerned about time management, Kathleen and I can go pick up the rental cars while the rest of you pick up the luggage.
Patty Lynn: Just don’t get lost, honey. I know your sense of direction isn’t the greatest.
Martin: That isn’t true! I get around just fine.
Kathleen: Don’t worry about him, he has me. And I have Apple Maps.
Tammy: Do Apple Maps help you navigate inside an airport?
Kathleen: We’re gonna find out.
Sarah: Let’s say our goodbyes, we’re never gonna see them again.
Martin: Just head to the main exits once you grab the bags. We will be there!
Kathleen: Maybe not right away, but eventually, we will be there!
Patty Lynn: Why are we letting Kathleen drive?
Marietta: Because at least she’s not you.
Patty Lynn: I’m a good driver! I taught Sarah how to drive.
Marietta: we’re not having this conversation. Let’s go get our bags.
Sarah: Can I get a pretzel first? I’m hungry.
Moira: We had pretzels on the plane, honey.
Sarah: Not a soft pretzel. We had stale little pretzels shaped like airplanes. They were horrible.
Mitch: I gave mine to Tammy.
Tammy: I just set ours in that little pouch on the seat in front of us. There were like three other ones in there, someone can really have a feast with it if they choose to.
Sarah: But why would they ever choose to?
Thirty minutes later…
Marietta: Dad said he would be here. Where is he?
Sarah: Lost.
Marietta: How do you get that slot in an airport? There are signs everywhere!
Milton: We sent him and aunt Kathleen to find their way. We could have just sent mom and Tammy, we’d get the same result.
Patty Lynn: Hey!
Tammy: Thank you. I’m touched.
Patty Lynn: At least I didn’t get lost trying to find the luggage carousel!
Marietta: You probably would have without us.
Patty Lynn: Probably, but not definitely!
Moira: I think I see them pulling up!
Mitch: Why is Kathleen’s car purple? And why’s it so tiny?
Patty Lynn: A clown picked out a clown car. How groundbreaking.
Milton: Mom, be nice.
Patty Lynn: I am obviously kidding. Come on, Milton, where’s your sense of humor?
Milton: Lost, somewhere over New Mexico.
Martin: Well, that was a project.
Sarah: Grandpa, did you get lost?
Martin: Actually, no.
Kathleen: The car rental people didn’t have our reservation. They marked us down as picking up the cars on May 22nd, not April 22nd. Like idiots.
Martin: We had to wait twenty minutes for them to figure everything out and make sure they had enough cars left so we could take two.
Kathleen: Two that we rightfully reserved two months ago! I hate technology!
Sarah: Technology is good when you know how to use it.
Kathleen: Technology is the reason I have to drive around downtown Los Angeles in a grape for the next week!
Tammy: Technically, we’re in Beverly Hills. There’s a difference.
Kathleen: Only rich snobs know the difference.
Tammy: That’s what most people would call us.
Martin: All right, who is going in which car? I need to know what car to put the luggage in.
Sarah: I would prefer to not have to drive in the car that looks like it’s part of the Olivia Rodrigo for Honda collection.
Marietta: Hmm, it kinda does look like that!
Sarah: God, it’s brutal out here.
Martin: Uh-huh.
Sarah: I’m going to go in the car with you and grandma.
Milton: Well, then Moira and I are going in there, too.
Tammy: Guess you and I are going with Kathleen, Mitch!
Mitch: The paparazzi’s gonna love this!
Tammy: The paparazzi hasn’t cared about us in over a decade, Mitch.
Mitch; That’s harsh.
Marietta: Let’s make our way into the cars, folks. We are just minutes away from being on our way!
Kathleen: Where the hell are we staying again? I need to know so I can put it in the little GPS thing.
Marietta: The Beverly Hilton.
Kathleen: How the hell did you get us in there?
Marietta: You see, when you’re friends with the president…
Kathleen: You’re friends with Brian Delphy? I really thought you were raised better than that.
Marietta: Mitch. I’m friends with Mitch!
Kathleen: I always forget he was president.
Mitch: Same.
The next morning…
Marietta: My god, that is the best night’s sleep I have ever had.
Milton: We could tell, you sure slept in.
Marietta: It’s eight in the morning.
Milton: Mom woke the rest of us up at six.
Patty Lynn: I tried to wake her up, too. She just wouldn’t get up.
Tammy: She was the one rushing us yesterday, and look at her now. How the tables have turned…
Sarah: You should probably get in the shower now, auntie. We want to get to breakfast sometime in the near future.
Marietta: You’re all sick.
Moira: We’re going to stop somewhere to eat while we’re on Mulholland Drive.
Marietta: We’re going to have pancakes at David Lynch’s?
Kathleen: She means Rodeo Drive.
Moira: What’s the difference?
Patty Lynn: Get moving, Marietta! We want to see the Hollywood Sign after we check out Rode Drive. Lots to do today!
Mitch: Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that in my seventies, I’d be forced to visit Rodeo Drive against my will. How the mighty have fallen.
Tammy: You can do something else if you want.
Mitch: With what car?
Sarah: You can Uber!
Mitch: I can what?
Milton: Honey, you just told the former President of the United States to use Uber.
Sarah: I saw the former President of the United States freak out at the TSA after being told to throw out his bottle of chocolate milk. Once you see that, you start to just see him as just some old friend of your dad’s.
Milton: Old?
Marietta: He’s really more a friend of me, but, I get your point.
Patty Lynn: Marietta! Shower!
Marietta: I took one last night, geez! Stop bossing me around!
Patty Lynn: You didn’t mind bossing us around yesterday.
Marietta: That was different!
Kathleen: Yeah, we didn’t have anywhere to be yesterday.
Marietta: I had a luxurious presidential suite to get to yesterday.
Patty Lynn: We didn’t come here for the room, we came to experience all LA has to offer. Move it!
One hour later…
Milton: If I have to hear someone play Randy Newman’s I Love LA one more time…
Sarah: It’s a good song!
Moira: How do you even know it? That’s a bit before your time.
Sarah: Randy Newman is an icon. He wrote the songs for the Toy Story movies!
Marietta: Y’know, parking was a real bitch today.
Martin: It’s Los Angeles. What do you expect?
Sarah: Look at grandpa the LA expert!
Tammy: It’s Beverly Hills!
Sarah: Tammy only remembers we’re in Beverly Hills and not Los Angeles because she’s old enough to remember watching Beverly Hills, 90210 on TV.
Tammy: That’s not true, I never watch that! I do need to get a souvenir for Amy with 90210 on it, though. She’s a big fan.
Mitch: Is that the show you would sneak off to the Lincoln Bedroom to watch
Tammy: That was a disgusting rumor started by a maid who didn’t like me.
Marietta: So you watched a stupid teen show. I almost exclusively listen to music made by and for teenage girls.
Kathleen: We know!
Patty Lynn: With that, I guess we should get to shopping.
Sarah: I’ve always wanted to buy a fifteen thousand dollar clutch. My dreams are coming true!
Milton: Like hell they are!
Three hours later…
Kathleen: Wow, today’s been a fairy tale. Ninety minutes of strolling through overpriced designer shops, followed by ninety minutes of sitting in traffic so we can walk to see letters on the side of a hill.
Patty Lynn: The Hollywood Sign is an LA icon, Kathleen. How does it not matter to you?
Kathleen: I’ve seen it plenty.
Patty Lynn: Not in real life! Not before your very eyes!
Kathleen: Big deal.
Patty Lynn: You are such a Debbie Downer.
Kathleen: You’re not excited to do one thing and you get crucified. I already agreed to go with to see Jimmy Kimmel on Monday. Let me complain about this.
Patty Lynn: This is a very exciting thing!
Kathleen: Oh, look! We’re here!
Patty Lynn: What do you mean “We’re here”?
Kathleen: We can see the sign from right here. Great view for a picture.
Milton: She’s right, mom. We should get pictures here.
Patty Lynn: I wanted to talk to the letters! It’s not that far!
Martin: Honey, have you seen us? You think we’re up for a hike that far?
Patty Lynn: I guess this is fine… let’s take the damn pictures. Marietta, you take it.
Marietta: Me?
Patty Lynn: You’re the one I’m the most annoyed with.
Marietta: What did I do? Aunt Kathleen is the one who stole your most precious dream.
Patty Lynn: You woke up late, and now no one has the energy for the hike.
Milton: Mom, as much as I love to see Marietta get verbally harassed, I don’t think putting this on her is fair. We’re not a hiking people.
Sarah: We’re more of a “let’s take the bus tour around the city” type of people.
Moira: I’ll take the picture. I’m not really in the family anyway.
Patty Lynn: Honey, no! You’re family! You belong here!
Mitch: I’ll take the picture. I don’t like pictures anyway.
Tammy: I want a picture of us here, Mitch! We’re probably not ever coming back again.
Mitch: Probably?
Tammy: Never say never!
Marietta: He can take a group picture and then I can take a picture of the two of you.
Martin: I have never seen such a production over taking a picture. And all over letters on a hill! My goodness.
Kathleen: I’ve been told they’re really special letters, though. LA, they have the best letters. Us New Orleanian peasants should feel honored to be in the presence of such esteemed letters.
Two days later, on Hollywood Boulevard…
Patty Lynn: All right, everyone! We are not going to stray far from one another! We have to be back here at this very spot at three for Jimmy Kimmel. No exceptions, Sarah!
Sarah: Why are you calling me out?
Patty Lynn: I know you.
Kathleen: She’s probably going to try to find that house from American Horror Story again.
Sarah: I can’t walk to that from here, I’m not the Flash!
Marietta: We’re going to the Chinese Theater, right?
Patty Lynn: That’s right across the street, so that’s our first stop, yes. Why?
Marietta: I want to make sure I get a picture at Bette Davis’s handprints.
Patty Lynn: We’re going to get pictures at the handprints of anyone you want.
Sarah: What about Ariana Grande’s?
Patty Lynn: Sure!
Sarah: She doesn’t have handprints at the Grauman’s Chinese Theater, grandma. You lied to me.
Patty Lynn: Shoot me.
Kathleen: We really are doing everything on this vacation - seeing giant letters on a hill, driving down a road famous people light live on, gazing at the handprints of the rich and the famous, what’s next?
Patty Lynn: We’re going to walk the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
Kathleen: Oh my god, looking at the names of celebrities on the street! My heart can’t take the excitement!
Patty Lynn: Has anyone ever told you that you’re kind of mean?
Martin: Yes, you, all the time. Now, let’s go before we cause a scene.
Marietta: Too late!
Tammy: That’s Mitch’s fault. People aren’t used to seeing a former president standing on Hollywood Boulevard, staring at Marla Gibbs’ name on the sidewalk.
Marietta: Mom’s yelling isn’t helping.
Patty Lynn: I am not yelling!
Thirty minutes later…
Patty Lynn: Oh my god! Marietta!
Marietta: Mother, you are interrupting my time to connect with my idol.
Patty Lynn: For God’s sake, Marietta. She stuck her hands in cement here seventy years ago. It’s not like we’re at her gravesite.
Kathleen: Yeah, we’re probably going there tomorrow.
Patty Lynn: We are! But that’s not the point! Is that Michael Keaton over there?
Marietta: He’s a very famous actor, mom. He was Beetlejuice and Batman! I’m sure he has his handprints here.
Patty Lynn: No, I mean is that Michael Keaton the person? Is he physically here with us right now?
Marietta: Visiting his own handprints at the Chinese Theater? That’d be a big conceited, don’t you think?
Milton: Don’t you ever criticize Batman ever again. You aren’t fit to shine his shoes.
Marietta: Wow, didn’t realize how much Mike meant to you.
Milton: He means the world to me!
Kathleen: Are you going to go talk to him, or are you just going to stand here like stalkers?
Patty Lynn: How do I approach a legendary and beloved Hollywood icon?
Kathleen: “Hey, are you Michael Keaton?” Or even “Hey, are you Birdman?”
Milton: Batman!
Kathleen: He was in Birdman, too! It won Best Picture!
Patty Lynn: Oh no, he’s walking away!
Moira: Off into the crowd.
Kathleen: If it makes you feel any better, it was probably just some other bald older guy.
Patty Lynn: It doesn’t. What if it was him? And I missed him!
Marietta: We have plenty of other chances at a celebrity meeting. We’re here for five more days!
Patty Lynn: So maybe I meet Ellen. She’s not Batman!
Martin: Hey, guys! I just met Michael Keaton! Wanna see a picture?
Patty Lynn starts crying.
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments, listen to the official playlist and make sure to read the new episode next week!
