Velma and Danielle are sitting in the dining room when Tammi walks in.
Danielle: What int he world are you doing up, Tammi?
Tammi: What are you two doing up?
Velma: She asked first.
Danielle: We always get up this early for work.
Tammi: Really? This is horrible.
Danielle: Then why are you not in bed? You usually have another hour in there.
Velma: Is Frank kicking you in his sleep? Mitchell does that sometimes. I find that punching him tends to stop it. If that doesn’t work, maybe check and see if they’ve legalized homicide.
Danielle: She talks stupid in the morning.
Karl: Sorry to interrupt you guys. I couldn’t sleep and I just needed a glass of lemon water.
Velma: It’s like Grand Central Terminal in here on this fine morning.
Tammi: It’s pitch dark outside. It’s still night in my mind.
Velma: Why are you awake then? You keep dodging that question!
Tammi: I can’t sleep either.
Danielle: That much was relatively obvious, honey.
Tammi: I’m worried about Steven.
Velma: He out running around town tonight or something?
Tammi: Is she always this sarcastic in the morning?
Danielle: She’s in rare form today. I think seeing other human life is putting an extra pep in her step.
Velma: This is usually the time for Danielle to read the TV Guide to me while I try to do a sudoku. Other human contact at this hour is extremely rare.
Danielle: So, why are you worried about Steven?
Karl: I’m not trying to eavesdrop, but I am also curious.
Danielle: Pull up a chair while you drink your water.
Velma: I feel like the Golden Girls.
Danielle: I swear this is said once a week.
Velma: Well, look at us! Talking at wee hours of the morning and giving each other advice while one of us snacks.
Karl: I don’t think water is much of a snack.
Tammi: Also, I’ve not heard any advice yet from anyone.
Velma: You won’t tell us why you’re worried.
Tammi: Steven is going off to his summer camp in two days. Well, actually, he goes tomorrow. He’s never been away from us for more than a single night before. Never!
Danielle: As a mother of three grown idiots, this is a very understandable quandary.
Karl: I can sort of relate. Your aunt Teri had the same relationship with your grandmother and I that you have with Steven. It was hard when she finally started going off on weekend trips with her friends and whatnot.
Tammi: You didn’t have that relationship with mom and uncle Ralph?
Karl: Well, not quite. They were always a lot more daring, a lot more rebellious.
Tammi: Mom? Rebellious? Never!
Karl: Yeah, when I think of a pregnant teenager, I always do think “rule follower.”
Tammi: So how did you guys cope with this sort of thing?
Velma: I’m not much help in this area, so I’m just going to get a drink or something.
Danielle: I cried a lot. I was a divorced single mother living many states away from my family. My kids were all I had, and when I felt them pull away, it wasn’t easy. You have a support system you can lean on, remember that. We’re all here for you.
Velma: Don’t lean too much on Mitchell. Too much for him to handle.
Karl: It wasn’t really easy for me, either, but it wasn’t quite the same for me. The first time Teri was ever away from us overnight was when she went on vacation with her friends for a week to, I believe, Maryland. By that time, two of my kids had already moved out and I was a grandfather. So, in comparison, seeing my youngest and most sheltered child grow up wasn’t quite as difficult. Still, being empty nesters for that week was a shell shock.
Tammi: How’d you deal with it?
Karl: I don’t think you want to know.
Tammi: Ew.
Velma: Steven’s a good kid, you don’t have any reason to worry about him. Plus, he’s going to a teen journalist camp. What trouble can he even get into there?
Tammi: It’s not that I’m worried about him getting into trouble, I just dont’ want my baby to grow up! This is the first step towards him leaving me, you heard what grandpa said.
Karl: Steven is nothing like Ralph or your mother. He’s got his head screwed on much tighter than they did.
Betty: Karl, where are you?
Karl: Okay, girls. I better get back to bed before she files a missing persons report. Feel better, Tammi!
Tammi: Good night, again.
Velma: So, you feeling better?
Tammi: Eh…
Danielle: Anything else we can do to try and make you feel better?
Tammi: Can you get journalism camp canceled?
Danielle: I’ll see if I can call in a bomb threat.
Tammi: That sounds like something aunt Teri would say.
Danielle: Why do you think we’ve been friends for so long? You don’t stick together this long without learning a thing or two from the other.
Tammi: I guess I should go take a shower. I’m clearly not getting back to sleep after all of that.
Danielle: Should I make you coffee while you’re in there?
Tammi: That’d be great, thank you.
Velma You know, what I love about working from home is that I don’t have to shower before work.
Danielle: Ew.
Velma: I can shower after, so I’m nice and fresh when I go out for the day. If I do, that is.
Danielle: Why do you get up so early then when you don’t shower?
Velma: You never knew that I don’t shower in the morning?
Danielle: I always just assumed you showered at the same time I did. You know, like a normal person.
Tammi: Yeah, I’ve heard enough of this. See you guys in twenty to thirty.
Later that day, at Steven’s school…
Steven: Mom, why do you look like that?
Tammi: It’s your last day of school, I’m just emotional.
Steven: This is usually when aunt Teri would play that Whitney Houston song.
Tammi: I know, let me see if I can find it on my phone. I can’t remember the name.
Steven: Why are you so emotional, though?
Tammi: That’s the name! I get so emotional, baby, every time I think of you!
Steven: Mom, stop. My friends can see you.
Tammi: Goes it embarrass you to see your mom singing?
Steven: Very much so.
Tammi: Ah, well. Too bad!
Steven: Why are your eyes filled with tears? You look like you just saw someone die.
Tammi: You’re just growing up so fast. Now, let’s go for ice cream to celebrate your last day of school.
Steven: Ice cream before dinner? Is everything all right with you? Did you have a doctor’s appointment that went badly today? I won’t let dad remarry for at least two years.
Tammi: What? Where do you get such insane ideas?
Steven: Aunt Teri.
Tammi: We’re going to have a talk with her when we get home.
Steven: Can we go to the ice cream place with the soft serve ice cream?
Tammi: Of course, it’s your special day. And after ice cream, want to go to the movies? Or maybe we can go for a walk.
Steven: You’re being a bit clingy, don’t you think?
Tammi: I can back off if that’s what you want!
Steven: It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with you, it’s that I have to pack tonight and I need to get to bed early. The bus leaves pretty early tomorrow morning.
Tammi: That’s right, I forgot about that.
Steven: I know for sure that that’s a lie. That’s why you're acting like this, right?
Tammi: Just trying to get in some last memories before you leave me.
Steven: Mom, I’ll be gone for a month. I will be home in time for the 4th of July.
Tammi: That’s too long. We need to do something fun so I know you’ll remember me.
Steven: I’m not a goldfish, I’m going to remember you in a month whether you force me to go for a hike or not. Especially since I can call you whenever I want!
Tammi: You promise?
Steven: Yes, I promise.
Tammi: Two calls a day minimum.
Steven: I’ll try.
Tammi: Promise!
Steven: You’re asking for a lot of promises today.
Tammi: Promise!
Steven: I promise I will call you twice a day.
Tammi: Okay, then no walk. We are getting ice cream, though.
Steven: I’m good with that. I won’t be able to have any soft-serve strawberry while I’m in North Carolina.
Tammi: I can’t believe you want to spend an entire month in North Carolina! What do they really have to offer?
Steven: It’s not like I decided to put the camp in North Carolina.
Tammi: I know, I know. I’m just talking.
Steven: We should probably pull out of the school parking lot. I think Vice Principal Westman is getting suspicious.
Tammi: Vicki should know that I’m not going to kidnap any kids. Not when my own mother is a principal in this district.
One hour later, at home…
Cindy: Where in the heck were you two? I was worried sick!
Teri: Oh, my god, she dropped the h-word! She is furious!
Cindy: Oh, shut up.
Ralph: That’s not very Christ-like. Jesus is disappointed in you!
Cindy: I’ve disappointed him worse.
Tammi: We went for ice cream and stopped at a little lake on the way home because we saw some cute ducks we wanted to feed.
Betty: You’re not supposed to feed them, Anita will have your head.
Tammi: I’ll make sure to stop and feed them again tomorrow.
Cindy: Did you bring me home any ice cream?
Tammi: It’s eighty degrees outside. I didn’t think you’d want a sugary puddle in a cone.
Cindy: You could have called to ask. That way I would’ve known where you were!
Teri: It really says a lot that Cindy’s been worried sick about you two and Frank, well, I don’t even know where Frank is.
Ralph: It really only says two things. One, Cindy is clingy as hell.
Cindy: I am not clingy, I’m just protective. I’m a good mom!
Ralph: And two, Frank is a bum. We’ve always known both of those things
Jerry: Oh, come on, guys. Frank’s not even here right now. At least wait to insult him until he can be here to hear it. I like to see the look on his face, he gets so flustered!
Tammi: Dad!
Jerry: Sorry that was mean.
Teri: True, though!
Steven: I’m going to go pack.
Betty: Oh, that’s right! Your big summer camp adventure starts tomorrow! You excited?
Teri: I know you're probably going to be busy with your… journaling, or whatever, but while you’re in North Cackalacky, I need you to visit a man named Jim Bob. He m-
Tammi: Do not listen to her.
Teri: I was joking! Jim Bob doesn’t sell his moonshine anymore. He’s afraid the government will come for him.
Cindy: What is wrong with you?
Teri: So much. Where to begin?
Frank: What’s going on up here?
Teri: Oh, great. He’s finally here.
Tammi: Honey, where were you?
Frank: In the basement, getting some work done.
Betty: I’m scared to find out what his definition of “work” is.
Teri: Who does “work” in the basement? It’s cold, it’s damn, it’s scary, it’s dark.
Frank: I had to get stuff done for work, it’s quiet down there, so that’s where I went.
Tammi: So that’s why you didn’t notice that I’m an hour late.
Frank: You’re an hour late.
Tammi: I know who not to call if I ever get kidnapped…
Betty: I hope your ice cream didn’t ruin your appetite. I made meatloaf.
Jerry: Hearing the word “meatloaf” ruined my appetite.
Betty: You don’t have to eat it. We have Kraft in the cupboard.
Jerry: Meatloaf sounds great!
Karl: So, honey, how are you feeling?
Betty: Pretty good, we had a nice day at work. Zeke and Amelia stopped by!
Karl: That’s nice, but I was a talking to Tammi.
Betty: Oh… I see.
Teri: I think dad’s sleeping on the couch tonight.
Ralph: He should do it with one eye open.
Tammi: I’m feeling slightly better. We had a nice time together today. He promised me, totally unprompted, that he would call twice a day. I’m going to miss him while he’s gone, but I’ll get through it.
Frank: Honey, I didn’t realize you were having such a tough time with this. You’ve been putting on such a brave face.
Teri: Perhaps you didn’t notice because you’re a moron?
Betty: Teri, that’s not nice. Don’t group the poor morons in with Frank.
Velma: She woke up at four in the morning today because she was so worried about it. How’d you not notice, man?
Frank: I’m a heavy sleeper.
Teri: Good to know I can come into your room and stab you and you’d never know.
Tammi: It’s fine you didn't notice, Frank. I got through it, with some help.
Velma: You’re welcome!
Danielle: Velma, you did nothing. Karl did most of the work.
Betty: Honey, you didn’t tell me you talked to Tammi about Steven this morning!
Karl: Thanks, Danielle.
Mitchell: Can we talk about this over dinner? I’m hungry.
Velma: What a shock.
Tammi: We don’t need to talk about it at all. Especially not with Steven around, I don’t want him to feel guilty about having fun.
Mitchell: So that settles it. Dinner time!
The next morning…
Tammi: Everyone, get down here! Steven’s going off to camp!
Teri: I love that she’s talking like we’re sending him off to war.
Tammi: Summer camp can get pretty wild.
Frank: Kiddo, don’t kill anyone while you’re there. Maim them, sure. But don’t kill.
Jerry: Let the boy live!
Teri: Steven, have fun. Here’s ten bucks, buy yourself something nice.
Steven: I don’t think they have a gift shop.
Teri: Well, just in case.
Steven: Thank you, aunt Teri.
Tammi: Okay, we’re off!
Betty: Wait! Your mother and I want to go with. To see him off.
Tammi: Grandma, don’t you have to work at the shop?
Betty: That’s why I have underlings.
Jerry: Underlings?
Mitchell: I think she means me.
Tammi: If you’re ready to go now, then sure. The more the merrier!
Steven: Please don’t embarrass me at the bus terminal.
Cindy: We’ll try our best.
Steven: Please try a little harder than that.
Fifteen minutes later, at the bus terminal…
Tammi: Okay, guess it’s time for you to go. Do you have everything you need?
Steven: Yes, mom.
Tammi: Have your suitcase?
Steven: Yes!
Tammi: Your sunglasses?
Steven: Yes!
Tammi: Your sunscreen?
Steven: Mom!
Tammi: Your new cell phone?
Steven: Y- what?
Tammi: Here you go, your new phone. It’s a lot better than that old secondhand one you have. We have to make sure you can communicate all summer!
Steven: I’ll only be gone a month.
Cindy: Is that any way to say “thank you?”
Tammi: Mom, stop.
Cindy: Sorry.
Steven: I’m so thankful, I’m just very surprised. You never wanted to get me a new phone before.
Tammi: Consider it my graduation gift to you.
Steven: I didn’t graduate this year.
Tammi: You made it out of ninth grade, that’s pretty good. Now, you’d better get going before that bus leaves without you.
Steven: I love you, mom. Thanks again.
Tammi: Text me when you get to camp. And let me know if they have ice cream there!
Steven: Will do!
Betty: Have fun, Steven!
Cindy: Don’t get into trouble! Not too much of it, anyway. Get in a little, just for fun.
Tammi: Great message, mom.
Betty: Anita DeFleur, you buck-toothed weasel! What the hell are you doing here?
Anita: Sending my daughter off to summer camp, same as you with your grandson.
Betty: I always forget that someone agreed to reproduce with you. Poor guy.
Anita: It looks like my little Alysa is making fast friends with your grandson.
Tammi: Aww, that’s sweet. He already found a friend.
Betty: Oh, my god. What a nightmare.
Anita: Do you hate me that much that you’d rather your grandson have no friends at camp than befriend my daughter?
Betty (running): Steven, Steven! Wait up! We changed our minds, you can’t go to camp! You have to stay home!
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the season premiere of Evergreen Aimee next Thursday! Our House will return for season five this fall!
