The family is gathered in the living room while Cindy makes dinner.
Frank: So, when’s dinner ready?
Teri: It comes when it comes, Frank. Don’t be greedy.
Frank: I was jus-
Teri: Just what? Don’t make me Will Smith you.
Tammi: That joke’s been old for days.
Frank: I don’t even get it, I don’t even watch the communist Oscars.
Tammi: And I don’t watch Tucker Carlson, but it sounds like you’re quoting him 24/7.
Cindy: Dinner is ready now. Thank the lord, because maybe you all stuffing your faces will actually shut you up for once.
Ralph: Never gonna happen!
Cindy: I said get in here, everyone!
Betty: We’re on our way, Bridgerton can be paused.
Danielle: Is that what that is? I just thought it was a hornier Romeo and Juliet.
Steven: I like it!
Tammi: Why did no one check to see if Steven was in here before they put this on?
Jerry: I’m sure he’s seen worse.
Teri: He watches Euphoria, for goodness sake!
Cindy: Dinner! Now!
Danielle: Let the record show that I came in and sat down immediately when asked.
Cindy: Thank you for being the only one that listens.
Karl: I couldn’t hear you over the sound of the TV.
Betty: I have to keep it loud so I can hear it!
Karl: Do you need to keep it loud enough for them to hear it in Australia?
Betty: It’s winter down there, I think they deserve a little something to heat them up.
Velma: So, how was everyone’s day?
Jerry: It was awesome. We didn’t have a single customer, I got to read an entire book, front to back.
Teri: Not one customer?
Velma: Sounds like Mitchell’s dream. Minus the reading part, of course.
Mitchell: That almost makes me wish I was on the schedule today. Almost.
Velma: We all know you’d never actually wish to be asked to go in to work.
Teri: Kim Kardashian thinks you need to work harder, Mitchell. Get your ass up and work!
Betty: The shop has been really -
Teri: No response to my comment?
Mitchell: You’re an idiot.
Teri: That’s something, at least!
Betty: As I was sa-
Cindy: I was wrong, they even manage to talk while they eat.
Ralph: Told ya so.
Betty: As I was trying to say twice now, the show has been very quiet lately. People aren’t coming in as much as they used to. We’re still making a profit, but not a lot.
Teri: What are you trying to say?
Velma: Please, just don’t fire Mitchell. He does have another job and he doesn’t need the money, but seeing him have to go in to work makes me laugh.
Betty: No one is getting fired! The shop will be fine, all I’m saying is that maybe I can do something to help boost sales.
Tammi: Do you want Steven’s help making a commercial?
Betty: It’s very sweet of you to offer up free child labor like that, but that wasn’t what I was getting at. I can’t afford TV ads, that would definitely put me in the red. I was thinking I can do some sort of sale to get some new customers in the doors. I could advertise it in the newspaper.
Teri: Do people still read the newspaper?
Karl: I do!
Teri: Do people under seventy still read the newspaper?
Ralph: I do!
Teri: Do people under seventy with disposable cash still read the newspaper?
Ralph: I have disposable cash!
Teri: Do you though?
Betty: So, what does everyone think of my idea?
Cindy: I think I’d love some peace and quiet.
Betty: Were you not listening?
Cindy: I’m sorry, we had an assembly at school today and the kids drove me nuts and I just need some good relaxation time.
Betty: I think giving me advice about the shop will get your mind off of it.
Cindy: I think you should do whatever it is that you want.
Teri: It is so dangerous to tell her that! Mom, she doesn’t mean it!
Jerry: I think advertising it in the paper is a good idea. Contrary to what Teri believes, a lot of people in town read it.
Ralph: Since when do you like the paper? Don’t you think it’s socialist propaganda?
Jerry: I think it’s biased, but a lot of the reporters there do pretty good work. I can respect the paper as a whole even if I think some of the writers aren’t fair.
Karl: Frank thinks it may as well be The Daily Worker, though.
Frank: The what?
Karl: It was a communist newspaper.
Teri: You forgot, dad. Frank’s too dumb to know history.
Betty: So, that settles it. I’ll put an ad together to run in the Sunday paper the weekend before Easter. There should be a lot of moms in the market for new clothes for them and their families that week!
Ralph: Look at mom, helping out the procrastinating moms by giving them a nice little sale. Go mom!
Betty: As a procrastinating grandma, I feel a duty to help my community.
Two weeks later, at Betty’s Boutique…
Jerry: Today’s the moment of truth, isn’t it? The sale ad ran yesterday.
Betty: I don’t know when if there will be any big sales boost today, but we should start seeing results today in some form.
Karl: We have a half-hour until we open the doors for the day, so we should find out then if there will be any sort of sales increase. I think there will be, it was a nice ad.
Betty: Aww, thank you! I worked hard on it.
Jerry: Didn’t Tammi do the designing for it?
Betty: Yes, but I was the one who thought of all the catchy quotes to put on in, and the one who thought of what sales we’d advertise.
Jerry: Did you have to rack your brain to think of “30% of storewide?”
Betty: I had to think of what discount rate got me to go to a store, and I remembered how excited a 30% off coupon from Kohl’s made me feel, and so I went with that. This is market-tested stuff, Jerry. You wouldn’t understand.
Jerry: Sure.
Mitchell: We better be busy today, you made me come in on my day off!
Karl: You’re being paid overtime, and it was voluntary.
Mitchell: Velma made me come in, it was not voluntary.
Betty: Anyhow, let’s get set up! We have thirty minutes to get these sale signs up and get the store rearranged.
Mitchell: Rearranged? I didn’t know I’d have to do any heavy lifting today.
Jerry: I promise, it won’t kill you
Betty: It isn’t even a lot to move, just getting the big sale items up in front.
Mitchell: That sounds complicated.
Jerry: Do I have permission to slap him?
Betty I won’t fire you if you do.
Karl: Calm yourself, Will Smith. There will be no physical violence today!
Betty: If you think that, you haven’t seen how excited grandmas get for a sale. There will be a fist fight over a pleather purse that’s marked down forty percent.
Karl: Well, that is a steal.
Jerry: I know I’d cut a bitch for a brand new cheap purse. Mine’s getting old.
Betty: Stop! You all seem to think I’m nuts, but I know how it is.
Karl: I don’t think you’re nuts.
Jerry: He knows you are.
Three hours later…
Betty: I wouldn’t say this is what I was hoping for today, if I’m being honest.
Mitchell: I’ve fallen asleep waiting for customers about four times.
Karl: Don’t kid yourself, you’d be napping just the same if this place were filled to the brim with people.
Mitchell: That is… probably true.
Karl: Just think, it’s only a little after noon. We still have time for people to get out of work and come then.
Betty: My fellow grandmas who still read the paper are dedicated sales hawks. They come when those doors open, not after work. They don’t work! They’re retired!
Jerry: Remember when I used to be retired? That was nice.
Mitchell: At least you’re getting paid the big bucks now.
Betty: I used to be retired, too. That gets boring after a while, I’m doing you a favor.
Jerry: You’re right, this is thrilling.
Later that night, at home…
Cindy: So, how did the first day of the big sale go?
Betty: Can someone else tell her?
Ralph: That good, huh?
Jerry: It was a quiet Monday. More quiet than usual. The only customers we got were the grocer’s wife and a German tourist who thought this was Colonial Williamsburg.
Mitchell: She bought a plaid skirt and a sombrero. Quite the interesting sense of fashion.
Velma: What do you know about fashion?
Mitchell: More than you’d expect. Betty’s taught me a lot.
Teri: So he has the fashion sense of an eighty year-old grandmother.
Cindy: I think we’re deviating from the point. The sale disappointed?
Betty: That’s an understatement.
Ralph: I had a feeling it would disappoint today.
Betty: What? Why’s that?
Ralph: Well, I looked through the paper and I noticed that it said the sale started April 12th.
Betty: Yeah, today.
Ralph: In the words of Annie: tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow, you’re always a day away!
Danielle: That was moving, Ralph.
Ralph: Thank you, I rehearsed it in the mirror last night.
Betty: I’m so happy!
Ralph: My singing does bring joy to all.
Betty: The sale didn’t flop! I might not have to shut down the shop after all!
Danielle: Things were that dire? You never said it was that bad!
Betty: I’m exaggerating a bit, but I would need to have to consider cost-cutting methods if I can’t get sales up. It’s not cheap to run a store, and I need more than a few customers a day to keep afloat.
Tammi: I’m sure everything will be okay. People are going to turn up for tomorrow’s sale.
Teri: And, if not, we can rob a bank to keep it going a little longer.
Cindy: That sounds like a foolproof plan to me.
Teri: I thought so.
The next day, at Betty’s Boutique…
Betty: I feel like I’m fighting in Vietnam.
Mitchell: Why are there so many people? I didn’t know this many people even lived in town.
Karl: People are jumping at the chance to buy cheap, quality clothing that isn’t from Walmart. A lot of the people that I’ve talked to weren’t even aware this shop existed before. We could get some recurring customers out of this.
Mitchell: The German tourist lady came back. She bought a hot pink blazer. I didn’t know we sold those.
Betty: Neither did I.
Jerry: Hot pink? I didn’t know you were such a color connoisseur.
Mitchell: I actually put in effort here, Jerry. I’ve learned a lot.
Jerry: Ha!
Betty: Okay, we do not have the time to stand here and chitchat. We have customers to assist!
Amelia: Hey, Betty!
Betty: Amelia, how is it going? It’s so nice to see you!
Amelia: I’ve been really busy lately, but I heard about the sale and I figured I’d come check it out on my lunch break.
Betty: How’d you hear about it? I didn’t think anyone as young as you read the newspaper anymore.
Amelia: I saw it online, on the store Facebook page.
Betty: We have one of those?
Jerry: Steven set it up.
Betty: He never told me that!
Jerry: He just made it recently.
Amelia: The post got a lot of traction online. This town sure loves a good sale.
Betty: Who doesn’t?
Jerry: I should go help out some customers, I will see you later, Amelia.
Amelia: I should stop bugging both of you. You are clearly busy and I’m just browsing, I don’t need any help.
Jerry: You let my son live with you, you clearly need some sort of help.
Amelia: That’s a good one, Jerry!
Betty: We gotta talk later, okay! It’s been too long!
Amelia: Will do! Maybe we can even chat more at the register.
Betty: Sounds like a plan!
Thirty minutes later…
Anita: Bellwood…
Betty: The Wicked Witch of the West!
Anita: Very funny. So, it seems like you’ve actually convinced some people to patronize this lemonade stand. I never knew there was an audience for clothing made of tissue paper, but I guess you learn something new every day.
Betty: Your Guccci - three “Cs” - shoes look great, by the way!
Anita: Are you accusing me of wearing knockoff shoes? I only wear the highest quality clothing and accessories!
Betty: Well, you can find that here if that’s what you’re looking for. No knockoff brands here!
Anita: I’m not going to trust advice on quality from someone whose entire wardrobe is from the Jaclyn Smith for Kmart collection.
Betty: I don’t have the time for this, I have actual customers to talk to. No attention for the trolls today!
Anita: I am a real customer!
Betty: Excuse me?
Anita: Look at the basket, I’ve got plenty to buy.
Betty: I thought all of my clothing was garbage? You like wearing garbage, I guess?
Karl: Betty, I need some help over here!
Betty: Right over honey, I’m about to ring a customer up.
Karl: Okay, thanks!
Anita: My mother-in-law’s birthday is coming up… I’ve never seen anyone with worst taste, so I assume she’d love anything you have here.
Betty: Are you ready to check out, then.
Anita: I’m very much ready to get out of this third-rate Kohl’s, yes.
Betty: Okay, let’s get you checked out then. That way, I won’t have to see your face any longer today.
Anita: So, here is my twenty percent off coupon from the mail, plus an old coupon for forty percent off for “Super Shoppers” that never expires, plus twenty dollars in Betty Bucks. I should only owe about… a dollar?
Betty: I don’t have a Super Shoppers program, and I don’t know what a Betty Buck is. An, if either of those were real, you certainly wouldn’t have them. Your total is thirty-four dollars and eighteen cents.
Anita: You didn’t fall for that?
Betty: I’m not as gullible as you may think. Now, pay up so I can get to my other, less irritable customers.
Anita: Fine, here’s my card.
Betty: Pauletta A DeFleur? Did you steal your mother-in-law’s credit card to buy her her birthday gift?
Anita: Anita is my middle name, you busybody.
Betty: Wow, look at you, using your middle name as a first name, like you’re some sort of a celebrity.
Anita: You are so childish.
Later that night, at home…
Danielle: So, Betty… you look excited. How’d today go?
Tammi: I believe I’ve heard good things. Were those reports correct?
Betty: They sure were! We had our best-ever sales day today! We beat opening day, and Black Friday, and any pre-Christmas shopping day. This is huge! I’m expecting another big sales day tomorrow, too. All because of Steven!
Steven: Me?
Betty: Your Facebook ad was a huge success! We never would’ve had such a huge day if not for you!
Jerry: If only you would’ve gotten the start date correct for the sale.
Steven: I only used the date grandma Betty put on the newspaper ad!
Betty: Nevertheless, you’ve helped us so much.
Velma: So you’re not going to have to fire Mitchell? Thank god, this is the only job he ever shows up for.
Betty: I’m not firing anyone. In fact, I’m going to need some extra help for the rest of this sale. None of us could keep up today. Anyone not busy tomorrow?
Tammi: I think Frank could help out.
Betty: Anyone but Frank not busy tomorrow?
Frank: Your loss!
Teri: I can come in and help. I am well-versed in retail.
Ralph: I see you all looking at me. I sense your judgment. I’m not budging. I hate clothing stores, I am not volunteering to work at one!
Betty: Come on, Ralph. One day! You probably won’t even need to see Anita, she already harassed me today.
Ralph: Mom, no one else cares about Anita like you do.
Betty: So you’ll come in to help tomorrow?
Ralph: Sure, fine.
Betty: Yay! Look at this sale, bringing us all together!
Ralph: I can’t promise that I won’t kill Mitchell if he gets on my nerves.
Velma: That’s a risk I’m willing to take.
What did you think of this episode Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return for a new episode next week!
