Sam and Diane walk into a coffee shop in Chicago.
Sam: I still don’t know why we’re stopping for coffee. It’s after one!
Diane: We had a flight today, I need energy!
Sam: We flew from Traverse City to Detroit, we were in the air less than ninety minutes. That drained you?
Diane: Well, we had to check out so early, I just need a mid-way pick-me-up. You don’t need to get any coffee if you don’t want.
Sam: If I’m at a coffee shop, I’m getting something. I like coffee too much not to. At least it’s not after six or something, then it would disturb my bedtime.
Diane: Then what are you complaining about?
Sam: I just like to give you a hard time. Honestly, I should thank you. This gives us a great excuse to spend some time away from those insane people.
Barista: Next!
Diane: I’ll have a medium caramel latte.
Sam: I’ll have the chocolate chunk cappuccino. I’m feeling naughty today, make it a large.
Barista: Coming right up!
Sam: Diane, grab us a table. I’m off to the bathroom, coffee makes me have to go, so might as well get a jump on that.
Diane: Do you want a table by the window or no?
Sam: I wish I could say I care.
Diane: The answer I expected from you.
Sam: I wouldn’t be me if I said something helpful.
Diane walks over and finds a table and sits down. She is soon approached by a man.
Diane: Oh, I already gave my order at the counter!
Man: I don’t mean to interrupt, but -
Diane: You’re not interrupting anything, I assure you.
Man: I’m such a fan of the show! I’m so happy to see you, but where’s the rest of the gang?
Diane: Oh, they’re off doing their own thing! You want a picture?
Man: Do you have a moment to talk? I think that would be even more special for a fan like me than a picture.
Diane: Oh, of course! I know you know my name, but what’s yours?
Man: It’s Bill.
Diane: Good to meet you, Bill. You live in Chicago or just visiting, like me?
Bill: I live here. Been here my whole life. I’ve bumped into celebrities in the past, but none as big as you!
Diane: I wouldn’t call myself a big celebrity!
Bill: You work on the biggest and best show on TV! What’s that like? How is it working with that whole gang?
Diane: Well, they’re a rowdy bunch. Everyone’s always picking on Garry, especially Sam. I feel bad for Garry, though, I just have a sneaking suspicion that things aren’t right at home. I shouldn’t talk about that, though.
Bill: What’s wrong with Garry?
Diane: He and his wife are so lovely together and I hope everything’s fine, I just worry. She is traveling with us, but the way Garry talks about her sometimes, it’s like he’s covering something up. I know it, I went through the same thing, I just hate to see it. He’s a good guy. He catches too much flak. And then there’s Frances, she’s so lonely.
Bill: Lonely?
Diane: She’s perpetually afraid of seeking human connection. You see, her last husband gambled away her fortune and it ruined their marriage.
Bill: I did not know that!
Diane: You didn’t?
Bill: No!
Diane: Well, again, I have concern for Frances. She deserves someone. I guess I’m not exactly the person to say that, I’m fairly lonely myself. But I do have Sam. She doesn’t like anybody’s except for me. I think she likes me even more than my children like me. It’s like being let into the heart of a beast. Or the Grinch! She’s scary on the outside, but I know what’s within.
Bill: What about Charlotte?
Diane: She’s an Oscar winner!
Bill: That I knew!
Diane: She makes sure to tell us sixteen times a day. Actually, that’s not fair. Sixteen is far too low. It’s a running joke at this point on the set. She was hoping for an Emmy, too. When she didn’t get that, she acted as if the Academy had committed a hate crime against her.
Bill: I always got the impression you all liked each other so much!
Diane: We have fun together, don’t get me wrong! They’re just all crazy! The good sort of crazy! I get it, I am, too! Heck, even the crew is nuts! My producer Leslie, she’s a sweetheart, but she’s very naive. She gives us too much of a leash, she should lay down the law more. She lets us walk all over her. Paul, the former head of the network that we’re stuck with as our network supervisor now, he lets it happen. We all used to detest Paul, Sam still does. We quit because of Paul during that contract dispute, but he doesn’t seem so bad now that they brought Jacqueline Fletcher in. Wretched woman. And then there’s Melanie, she’s a perfect angel, I don’t have a single bad word to say about her.
Bill: Who’s Melanie?
Diane: She’s our assistant. She used to work at the hotel that the network would put us up at in Rhode Island. We loved her so much, we hired her to come along with us and do odd jobs open the set. Really, though, this is a family, and we all love each other, even with out quirks. Even Sam, don’t let her fool you. Oh, she’s coming now! You’re gonna love her!
Bill: I’m so sorry, I have to get going.
Diane: Oh, really? Sam’s just a few feet away.
Bill: No, I really appreciate your time. I’ll see you on the TV later!
Diane: Glad to hear it!
Sam: Who was that? Certainly not anyone bringing us our coffee.
Diane: Just a fan. You were gone a long time! Everything okay?
Sam: Nicolle called, she was wondering where we were. She’s going to come meet up with us.
Diane: We told her we were heading out for coffee!
Sam: It’s a large city, Diane. There’s more than one coffee shop.
Diane: I suppose that’s a fair point.
Two days later…
Diane: Why does everyone look so mad? I’m sorry I didn’t join you all for breakfast, I had the worst migraine last night and I wanted to sleep in as much as I could since it kept me up.
Sam: You know your friend from the coffee shop two days ago?
Diane: Bill?
Sam: William Athens of the Chicago Post, you mean?
Diane: Bill was a reporter? Wow, good for him!
Charlotte: Not good for him! He wrote a hit piece about us!
Diane: What?
Leslie: You vented about all of us to a reporter who ran an article about “The Dark Side of TV’s Nicest Show.” Diane, I’m not a violent person. I could hit you right now.
Diane: I am very sorry, but I really did compliment you all! I said what good people you are, I said we all love each other despite our quirks. What exactly did this article say?
Sam: “Is there tension on the set of Bake Your Heart Out? I sat down with host Diane Smith as the show comes to Chicago to get all the on-set secrets.” Do you need to hear more, or are you starting to remember what you said to this guy? Because the entire article is just quotes from you.
Diane: All taken out of context!
Leslie: It doesn’t matter the context, this was a betrayal.
Diane: I was off the record!
Leslie: Did you specify that?
Diane: I didn’t even know he was a reporter, surely I can’t be on the record if he doesn’t even identify himself!
Charlotte: We’re straying from the important thing here! I have an ego?
Diane: I did not say that!
Frances: That was one of the few true things in that entire article.
Diane: I’m having trouble recalling what I said, what did it actually say directly?
Garry: You insinuated I was having a marital dispute!
Sam: I liked that part, actually!
Garry: I didn’t!
Sam: Which makes me like it more!
Diane: Garry, I stuck up for you!
Garry: By implying my marriage is failing? I had Carly interrogating me over what exactly I was saying about her on this set!
Diane: I just see similar things to what I went through with my husband.
Garry: Your husband cheated on you and then died! Do you think Carly is cheating on me? Or that I’m cheating on her?
Diane: I don’t know, I guess I just feel like no marriage is that perfect! But I also said I wish the others would let up on you because you’re a good guy!
Garry: Sure you did.
Frances: You pretty much called me a lonely old spinster who will die alone. You made me sound like some crazy old cat lady!
Diane: I compared you to myself!
Leslie: You called me naive and a bad producer! Apparently, run the show like a zoo.
Diane: I didn’t say that!
Sam: She’s right, that part isn’t in quotes. I think the writer paraphrased what she said, she was probably rambling. She does that a lot.
Diane: That’s mean.
Charlotte: You want to talk mean? You mocked my Emmys snubbed! You mocked my Oscar!
Frances: Again, that part was deserved!
Charlotte: I disagree!
Melanie: You didn’t even mention me!
Leslie: You’re not famous, dear. Why would she mention you?
Diane: I did mention. You, though! I mentioned how sweet and wonderful you are! I raved about you!
Frances: What’s so great about her?
Melanie: While I don’t believe her, I also have to wonder what the problem would be about her praising me?
Frances: She shot venom at the rest of us, why should you not get it, too?
Sam: Diane, you are — were — my best friend in the entire world.
Diane: No, I still am!
Sam: Hmm.
Diane: Please, I made a mistake!
Sam: Let me finish! My reward for years of friendship is being called a beast, the Grinch, hateful, a bully. You smeared my character.
Garry: Everyone sees you that way on TV though.
Sam: That is an act!
Garry: Is it?
Sam: Say it to my face, Garry.
Garry: You’re a bully!
Sam: I respect that a hell of a lot more than sneaking behind my back like a certain someone.
Garry: Did Sam just say she respects me?
Frances: Is this the Twilight Zone?
Garry: Don’t get used to it, buddy boy.
Diane: I know it sounds so bad, but I didn’t bash you like that man claimed! He pretended he was a super fan of our show, and he asked what it was like to work on it. I told him! The good and some of the bad. But he didn’t use any of the good!
Sam: So you think it’s just fine to bash us to random strangers?
Diane: Of course not! But I wasn’t bashing you. I said things I should not have, but it wasn’t a series of personal drags. It was mostly complimentary. I was pointing out how we’re a dysfunctional family that loves each other. That’s the truth! We might drive one another crazy, but we’re always here for each other.
Leslie: I used to think that, too, but I’m rethinking it.
Melanie: I thought I was at least a little relevant. Relevant enough to mention in a newspaper profile.
Diane: I didn’t even know that’s what it was! But you were mentioned! Everyone, stop piling on!
Charlotte: I do not have an ego! I am the most humble, kind-hearted, talented person I know.
Frances: Sneaking the “talented” part in there is why he rest of that is complete BS and we all know it.
Paul: What is going on here? Why are you all bickering?
Sam: Diane and her big mouth and traitorous spirit.
Diane: I am not a traitor! I was on a season of The Traitors and I was literally a faithful!
Leslie: Take a look at this. I circled the part mentioning you, for your convenience.
Paul: “As for former network president Paul McVann? The group never could stand him, not since several members quit over a pay dispute that involved him, but they’re stuck with him now as a supervisor assigned by the network. That a show of distinguished media veterans needs a supervisor from the network is a red flag in itself.” What is this?
Leslie: Diane spilled her guts to the local paper and bashed us all.
Diane: I would never do that! He presented himself a regular fan who just wanted to discuss the show with me. I never expected this!
Paul: That’s a nasty drag against Jacqueline, I do appreciate that, at least.
Diane: So how do we move forward?
Leslie: Like professionals. On the set, we act as if nothing’s happened. Off the set, I need time away from you.
Frances: We all do.
Sam: We discussed this at breakfast.
Frances: Does this mean we’re not going to the Bean today?
Sam: What do you think?
Diane: I think I’ll find my own way there.
Leslie: All right, the bakers are anxiously waiting to make us something called an “atomic cake,” so everyone put you big girl panties on and play nice. We can go back to wanting to slap her when this is over.
Diane: I feel like I just got a two-hour stay of execution.
Sam: Shut up, Diane.
Diane: Oh no, I’m the new Garry!
Later that night…
Diane: I need help, you’re the only person I thought of who could offer it.
Jacqueline: You turned to the wretched woman for help?
Diane: In fairness, we’ve had a very rocky relationship.
Jacqueline: So why should I help you?
Diane: If I don’t get this straightened out, your #1 show is going to have a real behind-the-scenes feud that will turn the set toxic. If everyone keeps on hating me, I’m quitting this show. And I don’t mean to have an inflated opinion of myself, but we all saw how that went for the show last time.
Jacqueline: Fair point. What do you need from me?
Diane: I need legal help. We have a very strong First Amendment, which is very unfortunate for me.
Jacqueline: Yes, as a Brit, your constitution entirely befuddles me. I find the entire “free speech” nonsense included in it inherently ridiculous, and don’t get me started on the guns. We get it, Jefferson, you hated England and wanted to be different. Noted.
Diane: I have a strong suspicion that he recorded the conversation. He sure wasn’t taking notes, and the quotes are too specific to have remembered them all. I never consented to any recording, and Illinois has a two-party consent law.
Jacqueline: How does this help restore peace on the set?
Diane: I want to sue to get ahold of that recording. I said so many complimentary things about them, but it was framed like I spent the entire “interview” bashing my friends. That’s not so. I need to show them. This trouble-making reporter won’t do that, it’s not a “story.” And, for my own reputation, I want them to retract the story and note the unethical way the so-called interview was obtained.
Jacqueline: Diane, I’ve got no clue if this will make your evil friends like you again. But I know I have the best legal team in the country, and you’ve got an air-tight case. This will be handled by tomorrow’s printing deadline. That’s a promise from the wretched woman herself.
Diane: My god how can I even begin to thank you for this?
Jacqueline: Just don’t cause any more problems on the set of my #1 show. You lot cause me too many headaches, I’d love it if you could all learn to behave yourselves.
Diane: I can make no promises for them, but I’ll do everything in my power to cause you zero issues moving forward.
Jacqueline: I appreciate it.
Two days later…
Diane: Do you now all see what I was saying?
Frances: It was still not very nice, if I’m being honest.
Diane: What I did was a breach of trust, I know. But everything I said came from a place of love! You all mean more to me than anyone else on this earth, aside from my children and grandchildren. I would never intentionally hurt any of you!
Garry: She has a point. What she said was so dumb, but it wasn’t intentionally malicious. It was also surrounded mostly by well-meaning praise.
Diane: Yes! I’m a good friend!
Frances: Well…
Charlotte: MY only mention remains the diss about my Oscar and my Emmys snub.
Frances: Again, that part was a simple fact.
Melanie: Diane, you really did mention me in glowing terms! I have no reason to be mad at you now, you are forgiven!
Frances: That part actually does make it worse. I’m a lonely old woman who you pity and Melanie is an angel on this earth. What the hell, man?
Sam: She spoke the truth.
Diane: Sam! Does that mean you’re not mad at me anymore?
Sam: I’m not happy. But a lot of what you said touched my heart. We’re like sisters, I can’t ever stay mad at you.
Garry: My sister never talks me as nice as Diane talked about you.
Sam: For good reason, you’re awful.
Garry: Well, she almost tolerated me for two days. I guess that’s something.
Leslie: I appreciate the effort you went through just to prove all of this to us. Surely, it wasn’t easy.
Diane: Not at all! But it was worth it, you all mean so much to me. Jacqueline did the heavy-lifting, though.
Paul: Excuse me?
Diane: Perhaps a story for another time. A time when I’ve been fully forgiven by all.
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
