Marietta is in her office when Tammy knocks on the door.
Tammy: You busy?
Marietta: Just reading.
Tammy: Reading up on the minutes from the city council meeting that you missed?
Marietta: No, reading the Britney Spears memoir.
Tammy: As any responsible mayor would.
Marietta: Did anything interesting happen at the meeting?
Tammy: Define “interesting.”
Marietta: I don’t know what the definition of interesting is, stop being difficult!
Tammy: Nothing interesting happened, really.
Marietta: Glad we’ve cleared that up.
Tammy: Well, I was coming in here to let you know that Mitch and I are going on vacation next week. We leave on Saturday#!
Marietta: Oh! Good for you! It’s been, what, two weeks since your last?
Tammy: This one’s been planned long before that one.
Marietta: And you’re just telling me now?
Tammy: I didn’t realize it was such a big deal.
Marietta: It’s not, I’m just pulling your leg. Have fun on your trip, the three of us can manage around here.
Tammy: Oh, good, you never know with you.
Marietta: You know what’s crazy?
Tammy: I feel like you’re about to tell me.
Marietta: Kyle and Maria are also going on vacation next week!
Tammy: Well, Amy’s here to talk to if you need it.
Marietta: Are you kidding? I have to watch Katharine, I’m not going to have any time to chat with Amy. That kid’s a handful!
Tammy: They’re not taking her with? But they’re taking Christine?
Marietta: No, I’m watching both. It’s just that only one is annoying.
Tammy: That’s your granddaughter!
Marietta: Yes, and I adore her, but she’s a pain in my ass. I feel much the same way about you.
Tammy: The feeling’s mutual!
Marietta: Good!
Tammy: I can’t believe the toddler is less annoying than the year-old.
Marietta: Well, the toddler is a sleeper. Katharine likes something called “Bluey” and goes on and ON about it until you play it for her. Thankfully, my mother also likes Bluey, so they bond over it. I’ll be dropping the rapscallion off at my parents’ place during work hours, so hopefully they tire her out and I get a calm Katharine.
Tammy: I hope the slot machines have the same effect on Mitch.
Marietta: Do they let former presidents gamble?
Tammy: I sure hope so, because what the hell else is there to do in Vegas?
Marietta: Let me guess, his pick?
Tammy: Certainly wasn’t mine. I wanted to go to a beach.
Marietta: Well, they did film a season of Love Island there once.
Tammy: What is Love Island?
Marietta: I should’ve seen that response coming.
Henrietta: Marietta, Councilor Packard is here to speak to you!
Marietta: We good, Tammy?
Tammy: Guess so, yeah!
Marietta: Come on in, Florence!
One hour later…
Marietta: I’m gonna look into all of this and we’re going to do everything we can to keep the restaurant open, okay?
Florence: Thank you, mayor Landfield! You are an absolute doll!
Marietta: So are you! And, you know my number, so if you don’t hear back from me soon, give me a ring, I’ll be happy to help!
Florence: I’ll make sure to do that! I’ll see you around!
Marietta closes the door to her office.
Marietta: My god, on hour-long meeting about saving some old restaurant in her district. Now THAT could’ve been an email!
Amy: How does she expect you to help?
Marietta: It’s apparently old enough to get on the registry of historical places, she wants me to reach out on behalf of the city and request a place on the registry in the hopes it’ll help keep it open. Snooze!
Henrietta: By the way -
Marietta: Hey, before you say anything else, I hope you know that you’re gonna be the one in charge of dealing with that.
Henrietta: I am aware.
Marietta: Okay, good. Continue.
Henrietta: The Senate Majority Leader called.
Marietta: And what did Kate have to say?
Henrietta: She’s visiting town next week. She gets here on Sunday.
Marietta: Interesting!
Tammy: Really? While I’m on vacation? How does this always happen?
Amy: People can’t schedule their lives around you, Tammy.
Tammy: I don’t expect them to, I’m just disappointed I won’t get to see my friend. Is that allowed?
Amy: You could be disappointed in a less bitchy way.
Marietta: Hey, Real Housewives, zip it. We’re too busy to waste time bickering about nonsense.
Amy: Busy with what?
Marietta: I don’t know, I’ll figure it out.
Three days later…
Kyle: All right, you got everything?
Marietta: Yes!
Maria: Are you sure?
Marietta: You know, I’ve raised a child before. You’re married to him. You apparently think I did a good job.
Kyle: I mean, dad and grandma did he-
Marietta: No. Keep that thought to yourself before I have to smack you.
Kyle: See, this is why we’re concerned.
Marietta: Katharine and the other one will be fine.
Kyle: “The other one?”
Marietta: Christine.
Kyle: I know my daughter’s name!
Marietta: Stop giving me a hard time! I’m old, my brain’s a little foggy sometimes.
Kyle: You sound like grandma.
Marietta: You did not!
Kyle: I have to speak the truth, and the truth is that every complaint you’ve ever had about grandma can be applied to you right now.
Marietta: No one has ever been as unkind to me as you’re being right now.
Maria: Honey, stop upsetting your mother before we leave our children with her.
Kyle: You were part of getting her in this mood!
Maria: Oh, was I?
Marietta: Both of you, stop fighting, this is nonsense. You’re going to miss your flight. Trust and believe that I can keep the children safe.
Kyle: You’re right, mom, we gotta go.
Marietta: You trust me then?
Kyle: Of course!
Marietta: It didn’t seem like “of course” a few minutes ago, but I’ll let it slip. You two enjoy your trip to… uh… where are you going, again?
Kyle: You don’t remember?
Maria: Montreal.
Marietta: In March? That’s not a vacation, that’s cruel and unusual punishment.
Kyle: It’s March in Montreal, not December in the North Pole.
Marietta: No, visiting the North Pole in December would make some degree of sense.
Maria: Okay, we’re leaving. Goodbye, my loves, we’ll be back before you know it!
Marietta: Aww, you’re too kind! Have fun!
Maria: I was talking to my children.
Marietta: Oh… of course you were.
Later that night, Marietta gets a call from Martin.
Martin: Marietta, don’t panic.
Marietta: I wasn’t going to, but I might now. What’s this about?
Martin: Your mother.
Marietta: Oh my god, what’s wrong with mom?
Martin: She had an accident.
Marietta: Incontinence? It happens with people your age, it’s not really phone call worthy.
Martin: She fell down the steps and she broke her arm. We’re at the hospital now.
Marietta: Do you want me to come? I’ll be there!
Martin: No, don’t worry about it, she’ll be home soon, they’re getting a cast on her right now. I just thought you should know about it.
Marietta: Okay, I’m glad you told me. Let me know if you need anything!
Martin: No, I think we’re good.
Marietta: Is it still okay to drop Katharine and Christine off with you guys while I’m at work or is Henrietta going to be my work nanny for the week?
Martin: Your aunt and I can figure it out, we’re a good team. Your mom’s going to be out of commission, though. I do find it very funny that Sarah’s not even seen as an option.
Marietta: Oh my god! I don’t want my grandkids to starve to death. They’re not TikTok, she has no reason to pay attention to them.
Martin: She’s not that bad.
Marietta: Dad, she doesn’t have a job. TikTok’s ruined her attention span, she’s unemployable.
Martin: We’ll fix her, but that’s a project for another week.
Marietta: All right, you get back to mom before she permanently scars some poor nurse. I have to go feed the little brats and also Christine.
Martin: Brats? Plural?
Marietta: Katharine and Sarah.
Martin: You give that kid too much hell.
Marietta: I don’t give her enough!
Sarah: Hey, is dinner almost ready or should I make something?
Marietta: Do NOT touch anything in the kitchen!
Sarah: Not even the microwave?
Marietta: You’ll still somehow start a fire.
Martin: All right, I’m gonna go, you try to prevent any fires.
The next day, at Martin and Patty Lynn’s…
Patty Lynn: Marietta, it’s so nice to see you1 Your father told me how concerned you were for me!
Marietta: How’s the arm?
Patty Lynn: I’m on so many painkillers, I feel nothing.
Marietta: That is concerning.
Kathleen: Don’t worry, we’re making sure she doesn’t OD.
Marietta: You being in charge of that is even more concerning.
Kathleen: I’m not going to kill her just because she’s annoying.
Patty Lynn: Thank you!
Marietta: Yeah, she’s an everyday Florence Nightingale.
Patty Lynn: I don’t know who that is right now, but I might remember when I’m not so hopped up on prescription drugs.
Marietta: Anyway, I have to go pick up Kate, can you guys watch these two? I can’t help her load her luggage in the car and watch these two at the same time.
Katharine: I want to watch Bluey!
Kathleen: Yeah, we’ll watch them. Me, myself, and I.
Marietta: Where’s dad?
Kathleen: The diva gave him a grocery list and he’s getting everything on it. He should be home in time for dinner.
Marietta: Good, that’s when I’ll be home. Call me if anything goes wrong, put them down for naps if you get annoyed with them, you know the deal.
Kathleen: They’ll both be asleep within ten minutes if I get my way.
Marietta: Just, uh, do it naturally. No oxycontin in their drinks, please.
Kathleen: Who do you think I am, a psychopath?
Marietta: If the opportunity arises…
Thirty minutes later…
Kate: My god, that flight was awful!
Marietta: Well, I’m glad you’re here anyway! Why is Milton not here?
Kate: Moira already picked him up.
Marietta: I texted her and said I’d do it! Whatever, one less stop for me. So, how are you, why was the flight so bad?
Kate: I was in between two strangers, one of them a Republican…
Marietta: Did he heckle you?
Kate: No, he just talked my ear off about how I’m ruining America. Less a heckle and more a three-hour lecture.
Marietta: Well, you’re here now and away from the crazies.
Kate: Thank god. Between the idiots in DC and the plane people, I need a bit of sanity.
Marietta: I don’t know if this is the place for that, but we can at least entertain you.
Kate: So, what’s in store?
Marietta: What do you mean?
Kate: You always plan something fun when I’m in town! We going to a fun bar or something?
Marietta: No. We’re watching my grandchildren.
Kate: Boy have we’ve gotten less fun in our old age.
Marietta: I know! And Tammy isn’t here, so you’re just gonna have to deal with it! We’ll try to do some bar-hopping on Bourbon Street though.
Kate: Watching the kids will be fun, it’s nice to get to unwind and catch up. We don’t get to do that enough.
Marietta: It’s clearly been a very long time since you’ve had a toddler.
Kate: Yeah, and I thank god every day. I don’t have the energy to deal with Ellie, let alone a child!
Marietta: Yeah, that’s how I feel about Tammy.
Kate: We sure picked some fun sidekicks, didn’t we?
Marietta: Imagine how boring out lives would be without them, though!
Thirty minutes later…
Kathleen: Oh, thanks god you’re here!
Marietta: Why, what happened?
Kathleen: I just can’t be dealing with watching three idiots all at once.
Marietta: That’s why I didn’t bring Sarah! Christine watches herself!
Kathleen: She’s been fine, you’re right. The other one keeps crying, though! She’s asking where mommy is.
Marietta: Oh, yeah, she does that. Kids are dumb, just flash a picture of Maria and she’ll fall for it.
Kathleen: I just played dead on the floor for a while and she shut up.
Kate: That seems wrong.
Kathleen: Look, you gotta go to extremes sometimes.
Patty Lynn: Katharine! Look at you!
Marietta: Oh my god, what’s on her?
Kathleen: Glitter.
Marietta: Glitter? How’d she get into glitter?
Kate: And did she eat any?
Kathleen: No! We were doing arts and crafts!
Kate: Did any get on the paper?
Kathleen: A little! Look at this beauty!
Marietta: Wow… a blob.
Kathleen: We tried. It’s been a trying day. Thankfully, you’re here to help deal with her now.
Marietta: Does this mean we’re not going to be able to go out on the town tonight?
Kathleen: Oh… no. I’ll help you watch her, but I am NOT getting stuck with her on my own! No ma’am!
Kate: It’ll be fun here. We can have a sleepover!
Marietta: I guess I’ll have to get Sarah, lord knows the house won’t be able to withstand her being in charge for a night.
Kate: It’s always good to be back in New Orleans.
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
