Teri walks down the stairs in the morning.
Teri: What in the name of Jesus’s resurrection happened here?
Ralph: She found it.
Teri: What, an abandoned Party City?
Ralph: No. Mom went looking in the attic for something for the shop and found those boxes of Easter decorations that we hid from her.
Teri: Yeah, I can see that. I thought the agreement was that we were throwing them away?
Ralph: We never had the chance to do that, Hawkeye is always keeping watch over the entire neighborhood. We take a box out to the curb, she’ll send dad right out to inspect it.
Betty: What are you guys talking about?
Teri: How lovely the house looks!
Betty: Oh, I’m glad you like it! Would you believe we had like five boxes of Easter decorations up in the attic hidden under some tarp? I didn’t even know they were there!
Teri: Wow, that is hard to believe.
Betty: I still have another box to unpack, I’ve been working all morning!
Teri: Why were you in the attic this morning?
Betty: I needed a ladder for the store, one of our lights is out.
Teri: Mom, I know Easter is in a few weeks, but Jesus is the only one who can resurrect. You fall off a ladder, you die, and you’re not coming back.
Betty: I’m not going on it! Jerry is!
Teri: Thank god!
Betty: Now, I gotta go upstairs and finish decorating up there before work. Easter’s coming quickly, gotta get done!
Betty walks up the stairs.
Cindy: So you’ve seen the abomination?
Teri: My god, it’s awful! Why were decorations so creepy back in the 1970s?
Cindy: I want to know what the Smurfs have to do with Easter?
Danielle: Papa Smurf has a bunny suit on! It’s cute!
Teri: I can’t believe you of all people have nothing snarky to say about cheap 1970s Smurf decorations.
Danielle: They’re cute little tchotchkes!
Teri: Tchotchkes?
Danielle: Yeah, little trinkets!
Teri: Speak English, please.
Tammi: Holy love of god, what is that!
Ralph: You like that?
Tammi: What IS that?
Ralph: That’s mom’s vintage Easter bunny totem.
Tammi: Why are the eyes so dead?
Ralph: That’s just what decorations looked like back then.
Tammi: How did I not remember this stuff?
Jerry: We did our best to hide it all from you, for your mental health.
Teri: On top of how creepy and nonsensical so much of it is, this is also way too many decorations for freakin’ Easter! It’s barely a holiday!
Cindy: Let’s not minimize the day that brought back our Lord and Savior.
Jerry: Yes, exactly. I’m not portraying Jesus in our church’s Good Friday service because it’s some “minor holiday.”
Teri: I didn’t realize everyone took Easter of all things so seriously in this house.
Karl: Did I hear you guys complaining about the decorations?
Teri: Oh no, he’s gonna tattle on us.
Velma: Snitches get stitches!
Karl: I’m not tattling, that would break her heart. I just don’t see how you guys can’t appreciate the love and care that was put into this display. Sure, it’s a little bit much, but so is your mother, and we love her.
Frank: She doesn’t love some of us.
Teri: Oh, get over it!
Frank: Tell her that! She’s the one still hating on me all these years later!
Teri: Not just her! You’re annoying!
Cindy: Hey! What we’re not going to do is argue while in the presence of these decorations celebrating the resurrection of our Lord. This is a day of peace, love, and miracles.
Teri: It’s two weeks away, we can play nice then. For now, I’m free to think he’s a dumbass.
Tammi: He’s our dumbass!
Frank: Excuse me?
Tammi: I have to give some concessions to her, she raises some good points.
Mitchell: Hey, what’s everyone up yapping abou -oh, sweet mother of god! Why’s there a giant rabbit standing next to the TV?
Karl: Oh, that’s Hoppy!
Teri: Not Hoppy…
Mitchell: What the hell is Hoppy?
Ralph: Mom’s life-size Easter Bunny statue.
Tammi: He looks mean.
Danielle: I don’t know what you guys are scared of, I’ve seen rats bigger than that.
Velma: What even is a “life-size Easter Bunny?” There’s no real-life Easter Bunny!
Teri: Don’t say that around Frank, I’m sure he still believes!
Frank: I’m not a child!
Teri: Then why do you act like one?
Velma: How many more decorations could she possibly have left for upstairs? I keep looking around and spotting even more Easter crap wherever I look.
Ralph: More than you’d hope.
Velma: Well, at least it gives her something to do.
Karl: She’s got too much to do, actually. We have to get to the store for work, and then there’s an HOA meeting about Easter this evening that she’s stressing about.
Teri: An HOA meeting about Easter? What, are they gonna ban it because it causes joy?
Karl: I don’t know what it’s about, and I’m not sure if I want to, but your mother says she needs to go. Something about Anita, I don’t know or really care.
Teri: We’re letting mom deal with the HOA on some mysterious Easter thing? My god, Easter really is getting canceled.
Tammi: That’s not fair, she’s only got a problem with Anita. The rest of the HOA seems to value her input. Easter might not necessarily be canceled.
Teri: I’m unconvinced.
Steven: They can’t really ban Easter, right?
Ralph: I’d get to work on that girlfriend of yours if I were you. She’s the only one who can convince her witch of a mother to not be insane.
Steven: I guess I can call her.
Tammi: You don’t need to do that. Everything is going to be just fine.
Ralph: You say that, but when the HOA bans Easter like it’s dancing in that Footloose town, you’ll be sorry.
Later that night…
Anita: Thank you all for coming. We’re aware that we have a holiday coming up that you are all surely busy preparing for, and we appreciate you carving out time in your schedules to be here!
Teri: So you aren’t planning on canceling Easter?
Anita: I don’t think I have that authority.
Betty: Can you say that again? I want that recorded, for future use.
Anita: Glad all of the Bellwoods are clocking in for tonight’s meeting.
Betty: Are you implying you don’t appreciate that we’re here?
Anita: I’ve said nothing of the sort.
Betty: Good, that would be really low of you.
Anita: Anyway, back to business. We’ve asked you here because this HOA brainstormed and we’ve been working tirelessly on a fun Easter-themed fundraiser that can help out community.
Mitchell: So we’re here for you to ask us for money?
Lianne: I guess that’s jarring to hear for you - a big change from you and your wife asking businesses for money.
Velma: I dropped that lawsuit and it gave that restaurant their highest week of patronage in decades!
Ralph: Just to be clear, I was against them every step of the way.
Lianne: Oh, I’m aware. Thank you for being sane.
Anita: Anyway, let’s continue to ignore the Bellwoods’ attempts at hijacking this meeting, since we’re used to it and know how to tune them out. Out HOA has created a new fundraiser for the community, where participating families will compete in an Easter egg hunt in the neighborhood, with the winning team winning a free vacation to a destination of their choice, which has been kindly donated by our neighbor Lianne Goldenderry through her travel company. It costs fifty dollars to enter, and those funds will be used for community upkeep. The runners-up will receive a $500 voucher for use at participating restaurants in Lakey, which has also been made possible through the networking of our dear Lianne.
Lianne: I’m happy to help in any way!
Amelia: How do you “win” an Easter egg hunt.
Anita: Amazing question!
Betty: If I asked it, she’d have had something smart to say!
Anita: So, participating families will search through the neighborhood for eggs that have been hidden by nonpartisan volunteers who are not competing and have absolutely no horse in this race. The eggs will be decorated by the families that participate, with each family being given four dozen plastic eggs to decorate as they see fit in any festive style. Each egg will contain a light plastic token that will be used to tabulate points. Some eggs that are hidden will be decoy eggs - eggs that have no token inside. So, it’s important that you decorate your eggs strategically so that your family knows they’re not decoys when they spot them. Families need a minimum of five members to participate, but you can have as many participants as you’d like. To keep it fair, families will be scored based on the average number of eggs that their members collect. The family with the highest egg average will win! Wow, I can’t believe I got through that without interruption!
Betty: I don’t interrupt when you’re actually keeping my attention!
Anita: Hear that, folks? This event is Betty Bellwood-approved! We did it!
Betty: There’s no need to be a bitch about it.
Teri: I just have to ask why you can’t avoid the fundraiser altogether by having Lianne give you the money the trip would cost and use it for the updates you need to make.
Anita: Because where’s the fun in that?
Teri: Where’s the fun in this?
Later that night…
Cindy: So we’re putting mom in charge of the egg thing, right?
Ralph: Oh, totally. She’s the only one nuts enough to really give a crap.
Betty: It’s not nuts to care about your community!
Ralph: It’s more that you care about winning than anything. This will be your new Fall Run.
Betty: But this doesn’t require any physical exertion! It’s great!
Steven: Do I really have to do this egg hunt? I’m not five!
Tammi: If I have to, so do you. And I’ve been ordered to, and so you’re also ordered to.
Steven: I just don’t understand why all of us have to take part.
Betty: It’s a fun Easter activity for our family!
Teri: Listen, kid, I’m not five either, clearly, but I’m still doing it so I don’t have to hear my mother whine about it forever. You’re going to do it for the same reason. Giving her what she wants is the only way to keep her quiet.
Steven: Oh, fine.
Danielle: Maybe he should sit this out, what if he tries to throw it because he doesn’t want his girlfriend to lose?
Steven: That’s a good point!
Betty: Steven would never!
Steven: Steven might!
Betty: We’re all doing it, and that’s final.
Karl: Hear her? Final. Please, none of you make this a bigger deal than it has to be.
Velma: I think it could be fun. I’d recommend sitting Mitchell out, though. He’s a moron.
Mitchell: Yes, I am!
Betty: No one’s sitting out, this isn’t a dominating Survivor tribe. We’re all competing, like one of those loser tribes that’s down in numbers.
Frank: Even me?
Betty: Yes, even you. Now, let’s get to decorating these eggs. I think Anita’s only making us decorate them because she got a good deal on plain white plastic eggs.
One week later…
Anita: All right, everyone, welcome to our neighborhood Easter egg hunt! The eggs have all been carefully hidden around the neighborhood by some lovely volunteers for this competition on this beautiful Easter Eve. We all know the rules, and we’ve all locked in our teams, so let’s not waste any time! We have thirty minutes… on your marks, get set, go!
Betty: All right, let’s split up! We can cover more ground if we all go our separate ways.
Steven: This is so embarrassing.
Teri: What, you don’t like your cute little Easter bonnet?
Cindy: It’s not a bonnet! It’s a festive hat.
Teri: Is there a difference?
Cindy: I don’t know, who cares?
Steven: I care! Why do I have to wear this?
Cindy: They said we all had to wear something Easter-y. So I went to the Dollar Tree -
Velma: It’s not even a dollar there anymore, it’s a ripoff.
Cindy: and I got some festive garb for us. This was yours.
Steven: I feel so lucky.
Betty: Stop talking and run!
Mitchell: You said there was no physical exertion involved.
Velma: My god, he’s exhausted by the mere idea of walking.
Danielle: Wow, look at Frank go. Right into that tree, poor guy.
Tammi: Honey, your hat is covering your eyes.
Frank: You think I don’t know that?
Jerry: My Easter tie better not get messed up, I wear this to church every Easter Sunday!
Betty: Stop your whining and get looking!
Ralph: Mom! Help me!
Betty: What’s wrong
Ralph: My hand is stuck in this watering can.
Teri: Did you at least find an egg?
Ralph: I thought I did. I think it was a rattlesnake egg, though.
Teri: How can you tell?
Ralph: Well, there’s snakeskin in there.
Betty: Ahh! Get it away from me!
Velma: So we’re sitting comfy at zero right now. Great start.
Cindy: Ooh, I see one in the tree! Jerry, get over and lift me like I’m a figure skater!
Jerry: I can probably jus-
Cindy: Lift me!
Jerry: Okay.
Teri: All right, I’m going to start walking in the other direction, surely this part of the neighborhood’s been picked clean already by these vultures.
Fifteen minutes later…
Alysa: Hey, babe, can you help me?
Steven: With…?
Alysa: I can’t reach this egg.
Steven: No! I… no!
Alysa: What do you mean “no?”
Steven: I can’t! My family would be so upset!
Alysa: They’ll never know.
Steven: You know my grandmother. She’ll work it out of me.
Alysa: You’re really not going to help?
Steven: I love you, but I can’t.
Alysa: It’s not that serious!
Steven: Have you met her?
Jerry: Steven, stop fraternizing with the enemy!
Steven: See what I’m up against?
Alysa: Fine, I’ll get someone else to grab it.
Steven: I’m sorry… you pointed it out…
Alysa: You would not!
Steven: I gotta take it!
Alysa: You’re not gonna live this one down!
Steven: I’m sorry.
Alysa: Oh, you’re gonna be sorry!
Meanwhile, across the neighborhood…
Anita: Betty! Look at you!
Betty: You’re not going to distract me, Satan.
Anita: I’m just here to compete, just like you.
Betty: No, you’re here to get me off my game. It’s not happening.
Anita: Oh, really?
Betty: Yes, really.
Anita: I just distracted you enough to turn away from that egg you thought you saw in time for my husband to grab it.
Betty: You are sick! This is for fun!
Anita: My family needs a vacation, and it’d be so nice if it were free!
Anita’s husband drops his egg basket.
Betty: Haha!
Teri: Fair game!
Anita: No! No! Not fair game!
Teri: You never said it wasn’t!
Anita: This family is demonic.
In another part of the neighborhood…
Danielle: Wow, look at that egg! It’s so… brown.
Velma: I don’t think that’s…
Danielle: Oh my god! No!
Velma: These people are sick, clean up after your pets, for god’s sake.
Danielle: Wow, it is an egg! A camouflaged poop egg!
Velma: That’s pretty clever, actually.
Danielle: I bet it’s Anita’s. She’s the only one evil enough to try to make us briefly fear we just touched dog crap.
Thirty minutes later…
Anita: All right, folks! It’s down to one family! The Cornwalls are currently in second, while my family, the DeFleurs, are in the lead. The Bellwoods are up next to show us their egg haul. Step forward, please, and open your eggs!
Frank: I’m very excited, I found so many!
Tammi: All that with a likely concussion! That’s my man!
Teri: Every egg of yours is empty, Frank. You sniffed out decoys like airport dogs sniff out drugs. Then you put them all in your basket and collected no others.
Frank: One is legit!
Betty: I swear to god, if you blow this for us…
Anita: By my count, the Bellwoods have collected ninety-three eggs, for an average of 7.75 eggs per person, easily beating the DeFleurs and their average of 6.71 eggs per person. They are the champions!
Betty: Oh my god, we did it! We had a simpleton on our team and we still did it!
Velma: Hey, Mitchell did well this time!
Mitchell: That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said!
Betty: Didn’t mean Mitchell this time!
Frank: She meant me.
Betty: Glad he knows!
Teri: Can we go home now? I want some jellybeans.
Betty: We won a free vacation and you’re thinking about jellybeans?
Steven: I hope that vacation is worth it, I think Alysa’s gonna dump me because I didn’t give her an egg.
Betty: You did me and the family proud, that’s what matters!
Ralph: I’m sure that’ll really comfort him.
What did you think this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
