Melody walks into Aimee’s office.
Melody: Denise, is the senator in?
Denise: No, senator. She’s in a committee hearing, I think it’s appropriations but I’m not really sure. Everything relating to committee heatings bores me immensely and I tune it out.
Melody: I wish I could do that.
Denise: Have you seen some of your colleagues? I think you could get away with it.
Melody: Denise, my fellow senator from California once took her bra off in a committee hearing because she forgot she was last work.
Denise: Just the bra?
Melody: Thankfully!
Denise: So what did you need to see Aimee about?
Melody: I don’t know if she’s up to it, since I know how busy she is with being a mom, but I have been made captain of the Congressional Women’s Softball Team this year. I think it’s because I’m one of the only members who does sports, but if I’m being honest, I‘ve never played softball a day in my life.
Denise: I wouldn’t imagine a life on blades would lead to much skill at softball.
Melody: In my limited experience the last few days, it does not. Anyway, I’m in charge of inviting people to the team to fill out the roster. I’d like this to be fun, so I’m picking my friends over people I think will be good.
Denise: So you’re trying to not get asked back?
Melody: That would be a beautiful outcome if it did indeed happen. That being said, the average age of women in Congress is roughly sixty-five, so we’re still probably going to be the most athletic people on the team.
Denise: I don’t know if I’ve ever actually seen Aimee partake in sports.
Melody: I went swimming with her that one time!
Denise: Not in the nude, I presume.
Melody: I can’t tell you how glad I am that Aimee caused such a ruckus and got the rules changed so I don’t have too see any private parts when I’m just trying to swim. I used to be the most-clothed person there when I’d wear a bikini, now I’m the least! It’s great!
Denise: I wish I could still wear a bikini without it being considered a threat to public health.
Melody: Oh my god, don’t say that about yourself! You look great!
Denise: I’m not a woman in Congress, Melody, all the sweet-talk in the world won’t get me on your team.
Melody: I’m just telling it like I see it! I do have to go, though, I have a bunch of other visits. Tell Aimee to call me and let me know if she wants in, preferably sometime soon so I’m not left hanging. Here’s a flyer for it with all the questions she might have so you don’t have to remember much.
Denise: I’ll ask. Good luck with your team!
Melody: I’ll need it! Some of these women I have to talk with… not my cup of tea.
Denise: I thought you were just asking the fun ones?
Melody: The rookies, yes. Some of these pains in the ass are longtime veterans, I gotta give them the customary invite even if I don’t want to.
Denise: Is Gwen one of the pains in the ass?
Melody: You know it!
One hour later…
Mildred: Nice seeing you today, Senator! Good work at the hearing!
Aimee: Ah, thank you senator Hassenfram! Always a pleasure seeing you!
Mildred: And you as well! I’ll have my office call yours for work on that bill!
Aimee: That sounds great! I look forward to working together on this!
Aimee closes the door behind her.
Denise: So I take it today went well?
Aimee: My god, I don’t know a duller person!
Denise: You’re getting quite good at masking it.
Aimee: She’s very sweet, don’t get me wrong. But, my god… it’s like if a can of beige paint grew sentient.
Denise: Well, we had an interesting day, didn’t we Delilah?
Delilah: What?
Denise: She’s been running back and forth to Senator Sylvan’s office, the senator repeatedly forgot pages in the bill she wanted you to read.
Aimee: Does the senator not have a staff that could remind her?
Delilah: She thinks government works better when elected officials have to do everything themselves, without help.
Aimee: She’s a nut.
Delilah: I don’t disagree.
Aimee: So, how was your day, Denise? Certainly less maddening than Delilah’s and more interesting than mine.
Denise: Senator Choi stopped by for you, we had a chat. She asked you to take part in the Congressional Women’s Softball Game. She left the flyer for it if you’re interested.
Aimee: Softball?
Denise: It’s a sport.
Aimee: I know what it is!
Delilah: You didn’t seem to.
Aimee: Okay, I can fire you just as fast as I hired you.
Delilah: Two years after you fired my the first time for something you did?
Aimee: Don’t even! Don’t. Even!
Denise: Is that a no to softball?
Aimee: No! I just, uh, need to think about it. I’ve never played before, really.
Denise: Neither has Melody. I think they just gave the job of captain to her because she’s an Olympian. Not that sliding on ice helps you hitting a ball, but she’s still more athletic than the rest of the pudgy middle-aged ladies in Congress.
Aimee: I am not pudgy! Anymore…
Denise: Just let her know soon, okay?
Aimee: I’ll think on it.
Denise: Just don’t take too long, I don’t need her to panic, we know how senators panic under pressure.
Aimee: We’re used to a life of pampering, of course we don’t handle stress well.
Denise: You dealt with running as a Republican in Washington, I think you handle stress pretty well.
Aimee: This is different. Once we’re in, we’re supposed to have it easy!
Two days later…
Cherie: So, how was your week, Aimee?
Kimmy: Must you ask her that every week? The rest of us do stuff, too!
Cherie: Okay. Aimee, hold that thought. Kimberly, how did you enjoy lounging on the couch binging The Good Wife this week?
Kimmy: It was lovely, I’m so glad you asked.
Cherie: Glad we’ve caught up on what really matters. Aimee, how was your week?
Victoria: Does no one care what I did?
Cherie: Good god, are you all dying for attention lately or something?
Victoria: I had a very interesting week.
Cherie: Okay, I’ll admit, unlike with Kimberly, I don’t know what you’ve been up to, and it may be of interest. Go ahead and share.
Victoria: I got a new purse! Ain’t it gorgeous?
Cherie: My god!
Ernesto: Aimee, just say what you’ve been up to before you mom bursts a blood vessel.
Aimee: I can’t say anything I’ve been up to was any more exciting than these two.
Cherie: Anything is more exciting than “I got a new purse.”
Victoria: Oh, like your life is so fascinating!
Cherie: The highlight of my week has never been buying a purse!
Victoria: You’re a bully!
Dave: Oh no.
Ernesto: Ladies, no fighting! We get to see each other a few days a week, do you want to taint it with bickering over nothing?
Victoria: Yes!
Ernesto: Okay, go ahead.
Dave: Aimee, just talk about anything.
Aimee: Oh! I know! I was asked to take part in a softball game for charity.
Dave: Why am I just finding this out now?
Aimee: In don’t think I’m going to do it. I don’t even know how to play!
Ernesto: You’re kidding!
Aimee: Not really. I’m not an athlete by any means, you know this.
Cherie: It could still be fun!
Victoria: That’s what I told her!
Dave: She knew?
Victoria: I know a lot, people really trust me with their secrets because I’m trustworthy.
Cherie: Who said?
Victoria: Many people!
Aimee: It wasn’t a secret, I honestly forgot about it until today.
Ernesto: You need to do it.
Aimee: I don’t even know how to play!
Ernesto: I’ll teach you. Right now.
Kimmy: Oh, this’ll be fun!
Cherie: No playing ball in the house!
Ernesto: Outside!
Aimee: It’s getting dark out.
Ernesto: No excuses! I’m going to teach you how fun a bit of ball can be. I was on my high school baseball team when I was younger, and it was the time of my life.
Cherie: Oh, was it?
Ernesto: Besides my long and fruitful marriage to your mother, of course!
Kimmy: Good save.
Cherie: Not quite good enough.
Ernesto: Don’t be mad at me over a figure of speech.
Aimee: Dad, baseballs’ not softball.
Ernesto. Softball’s just baseball for ladies!
Dave: Not quite.
Ernesto: Do you play?
Dave: A bit.
Ernesto: All right, I retract my statement. Still, it’s the same general idea, so I can teach you how to play.
Cherie: How about we do this practice tomorrow? Aa Aimee said, it’s late, and dark out. You start early tomorrow, you can have all day to do it and it doesn’t interrupt dinner!
Victoria: Is that all you care about?
Cherie: I spent a long time putting it together, it would be nice if that effort was respected and we could all have a good meal together as a family.
Aimee: I’m fine with doing softball practice tomorrow, as that’s apparently something I have to do now.
Ernesto: I’m fine with it, too. I think it’ll be fun!
Cherie: Great! Now I don’t have to worry about everyone running out on me before dessert!
The next day…
Ernesto: Honey, you have advance warning you were going to be playing softball and this is what you show up in?
Aimee: What? It’s a sensible pantsuit!
Ernesto: The Senate has ruined you! You’re a diva now!
Kimmy: Don’t judge a book by its cover! I’m sure she can still play just fine.
Dave: I did make sure she wore sneakers!
Ernesto: She needed to be told?
Aimee: I’ve never played before!
Ernesto: Have you ever watches the Olympics?
Aimee: I have a friend who was in them!
Cherie: Look at you guys! This is so nice!
Kimmy: You seemed annoyed by it last night.
Cherie: I was not!
Kimmy: You certainly didn’t want us to go out and play it during your dinner.
Cherie: I worked too hard to watch it get cold while you play watered-down baseball!
Kimmy: Anyway, I’ve played softball before, so I can direct this show. I was a bit of a star in the two games I played in middle school.
Aimee: Why’d you stop?
Kimmy: The coach decided to go in a “different direction.”
Aimee: So I’m getting taught by someone who doesn’t know what softball is and someone who was so bad at it that she got taken out of the game. I’m going to look like a fool.
Victoria: Hey, you didn’t say yes yet! You can always turn it down if you suck that bad!
Aimee: I don’t think dad would allow that.
Ernesto: She’s right! Now, let’s get in position!
Aimee: Is this a regulation setup?
Ernesto: We did the best we could. Now, I’m the catcher, Kimmy will be our pitcher, and Dave will be the baseman. You’d usually have more people in a game, but your mom and aunt are a bit too fragile to risk hitting them with a large, heavy ball.
Victoria: I’m fine!
Ernesto: You wouldn’t be if you got hit!
Dave: Do we not have helmets?
Ernesto: We’re making do with what we have.
Dave: Oh god, one of us is gonna die.
Kimmy: Dave, grow a pair!
Ernesto: Okay, let’s get going before it gets too dark and your mother makes us go inside.
Cherie: I said nothing, lay off me!
Kimmy: Aimee, I’m pitching. Hit it!
Aimee: I’m ready!
Kimmy: One… two…
Dave: Wow, she hit it!
Kimmy: What the hell?
Ernesto: I didn’t expect that to ever happen?
Aimee: What do I do now?
Ernesto: Run!
Aimee: Where?
Ernesto: Around the bases!
Aimee: Here I go!
Kimmy: Dave! Move!
Dave: I’m trying!
Kimmy: We’re screwed.
Three days later…
Melody: All right, ladies! I’m gonna introduce our team, because I know we’re not all terribly familiar with one another, and you can all introduce yourselves to the others. So, we have Washington Senator Aimee Ferrera Donahue -
Aimee: Hello, everyone! I have truly no idea what I’m doing here!
Melody: Returning favorite, New York Senator Gwen Gardenia -
Gwen: I’m here, I’m old, get used to it.
Melody: Congresswoman Margo Schaffer of Washington -
Margo: I’m so happy to see you all!
Melody: Congresswoman Carolyn MacKenzie Roy, also of Washington -
Carolyn: It’s good to be back!
Melody: Connecticut Senator Eleanor Baum -
Eleanor: I don’t think being a comedy talk show host prepared me for this, but I’m still glad to be here, and I’m glad to break up the Washington clique a bit.
Melody: Alaska Senator Liza Montgomery -
Liza: Are we allowed to be in this if we’re not from Washington? It doesn’t seem like it.
Carolyn: It’s a lot, but when you’re a state with talent…
Melody: Wyoming Senator Lynette Chaffee -
Carolyn: Oh, so we’re gonna lose.
Lynette: Shut sup!
Melody: Senator Geraldine McAllister -
Geraldine: I’m just here to watch, I’m a member in name only.
Melody: Senator Mildred Hassenfram -
Mildred: I’m so glad to be invited!
Gwen: Finally, someone with a bit of energy and pep!
Geraldine: Gwen…
Gwen: I won’t be silenced.
Melody: And, rounding out the roster, Congresswoman Alicia Spanheim of Virginia!
Alicia: Let’s kick some ass!
Carolyn: Whoa, they get wild in the CIA!
Aimee: I can’t believe I know everybody!
Melody: So, you’ve all shown interest in taking part in our game, and we’re so glad to have you. This has been going on for decades, and Senator Gardenia and Senator McAllister have actually taken part in every game in some way. We’re up against the women of the news once again, and this is our year to win. We have one week to practice, really get in tune as a team, and I have confidence that we’re going to be the strongest team yet.
Aimee: Can I be honest, ladies?
Lynette: This is an honesty-friendly zone.
Carolyn: Gwen’s here, so, not really.
Eleanor: Gwen is a delight!
Gwen: Thank you, Baum! I just want to say, you still have it. Just as funny as you were on TV!
Eleanor: That’s sweet! Maybe not the best quality in a senator, of a softball player, but I appreciate the compliment.
Aimee: I’ve never played softball before, so this is a learning experience for me.
Gwen: Aimee, you’re my good pal, so I can say this: Melody, what the hell did you invite her here for?
Geraldine: I don’t think any of us are experts, this is all just for fun.
Gwen: Maybe for you! I take the sanctity of this game very seriously!
Geraldine: It’s not exactly the Olympics.
Melody: Yeah, I’ve been to those.
Gwen: Hence why we thought you’d be better at team building!
Lynette: Gwen, don’t be a bitch!
Gwen: A bitch?
Carolyn: It’s kind of your default setting.
Gwen: Oh, I’ll get you and your Karen haircut!
Liza: So this is fun…
Alicia: This is why I stay in the House, they’re nuts in the Senate.
Gwen: I’m out if we’re not going to take this seriously.
Melody: Oh… no… don’t go…
Aimee: I can leave if it’s -
Melody: No! Rookies are welcome! I’m no expert, either.
Aimee: I did practice one day with my dad.
Margo: That’s more practice than most of us have had recently, if I’m being honest. I’m very rusty.
Carolyn: And Hassenfram is literally made of rust at this point.
Mildren: I would object to th-
Carolyn: Zzzzzzzzzzz!
Melody: This is a lovely start to the practice, it’s so nice to see such teamwork!
Lynette: I’m finally not the least-functional part of a group! Yay!
Carolyn: Don’t get ahead of yourself!
One week later…
Melody: Aimee, what the hell was that out there?
Geraldine: Yeah, you said you were gonna suck when we started this! Gwen nearly had a stroke when we said we were playing you!
Liza: Well, that was hear fault for missing practice…
Gwen: I wasn’t that negative.
Geraldine: You said, and I quote, “I’m going to go find the deaf one, she’d definitely be better at this, even if she can’t hear the coach’s directions.”
Gwen: And I stand by it, Sally looks very athletic.
Lynette: Can we focus on Aimee winning the game for us, please?
Aimee: Look, I’m as shocked as all of you are. I didn’t think I had an athletic bone in my body.
Melody: We couldn’t have won without you. You certainly unlocked some unknown superpower, because that was nothing short of amazing.
Aimee: Stop, you flatter me!
Geraldine: We’re going out for dinner, and we’re getting you something special.
Aimee: Dumping the Gatorade on me was really enough, I don’t need anything special. I do need a shower, though.
Melody: That can wait! Tonight, we celebrate.
Aimee: So am I a lock for next year’s team?
Carolyn: I don’t know, Mildred kinda killed it out there.
Mildred: I tried my best!
Carolyn: Andrea Mitchell nearly fell asleep watching you try to pitch!
Mildred: And I stopped her from scoring, no?
Lynette: She has a point.
Aimee: This should be more than once a year! Maybe a Congressional Women’s Softball Caucus? A new game once a month?
Melody: Let’s not push it.
What did you think of this episode of Evergreen Aimee? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
