The family is at the airport.
Sarah: You know, I’m getting sick of all this traveling. I feel like we’re never at home anymore.
Marietta: You’re an adult, you could always stay home.
Sarah: Alone?
Kathleen: Most kids would love a week alone! Parties, having boys over, staying up all night, eating junk food, no rules, no chores -
Marietta: Stop giving her ideas!
Sarah: That would all get boring quickly, I need someone around to bounce ideas off of and talk to.
Marietta: Then stop complaining and get on the plane.
Sarah: I’ll get on the plane when it’s here, don’t worry.
Tammy: I’m surprised you’re tired of traveling, I thought kids your age loved going on trip. I did when I was in my twenties!
Moira: Were you going away with your whole family, though?
Tammy: No, no I was not.
Moira: Exactly.
Marietta: Have you ever been to New York, Sarah?
Sarah: No, and I’m fine with that. It seems like a lot of walking.
Patty Lynn: Are you allergic to walking now?
Sarah: I don’t love it.
Kathleen: Well, you’ll either be staying at Tammy’s house this whole week or you’re going to start loving it, because we’re not about to spend the week in New York and not see the city!
Sarah: I didn’t say I didn’t want to see the city. I said I don’t like walking. I’m willing to do it for the right thing.
Marietta: See, guys, she is selfless! Milton raised her right!
Martin: Oh, look, the plane’s here!
Amy: Not a minute too soon!
Kathleen: Amy, I just noticed you were here! Who’s busy being mayor if the three of you are all here?
Marietta: We’ve put a lot of trust in Henrietta, let’s hope it’s warranted!
Kathleen: Why are we leaving behind the actual family member 2while we’re bringing Marietta’s two work friends?
Tammy: Well, you’re staying at my house, and we’re only going at all because I’m attending a family reunion with Mitch, who is apparently too good for commercial flying so he chartered a private plane.
Sarah: You mean to tell me we could’ve taken a private jet instead of flying United into JFK?
Tammy: Yes, but where’s the fun in that?
Sarah: Where’s the fun in this?
Moira: I think we can all just be glad we’re flying into a real airport this time and not, well, whatever the hell that was in Arkansas that we flew into last month.
Kathleen: It wasn’t that bad!
Moira: It looked like the setting or a horror movie!
Patty Lynn: You know damn well you would’ve pitched a fit if that airport was anywhere other than some podunk town you made us fly into!
Kathleen: Podunk? Fayetteville is a cultural epicenter of Arkansas!
Patty Lynn: That’s like saying Trenton is the cleanliness epicenter of New Jersey, it means nothing!
Martin: Plane! Here! Now!
Moira: I’m gonna go grab a churro real quick!
Marietta: Well, I finally see it. She really is a Landfield.
Martin: The plane’s going to leave, dear!
Moira: I’ll be really quick!
Martin: Just take your boarding pass, we’re going to get on the plane awhile. I don’t want you to miss it, but I’m certainly not letting the rest of us miss it.
Marietta: Wow, dad’s really excited for this trip to New York!
Martin: I’m ready to go back. I did work there many years ago, if you recall!
Marietta: I certainly recall 2003.
Kathleen: Oh, great, another fun story where Martin reminds us of his political relevance.
Martin: I wasn’t trying to talk about when I was Ambassador to the UN, but I’ll gladly discuss it if you want me to!
Kathleen: This is going to be such a long flight.
Marietta: That’s why I took a melatonin before we left. Speaking of which, we need to get on that plane before I collapse. I’m already feeling a little drowsy.
Amy: Oh, there she goes.
Tammy: I got her!
Patty Lynn: Look at my daughter, collapsing and getting caught by the First Lady. She’s really made it.
Kathleen: That’s a good gauge of whether someone’s made it or not, whether or not they’ve got a First Lady as their personal slave.
Later that day…
Marietta: That flight felt so short! I barely even remember getting on the plane.
Kathleen: Well, that’s because you fell asleep before we even got on it and your two buddies had to do a Weekend at Bernies with you just to even get you on the plane.
Amy: It wasn’t that bad. She was semi-conscious. Conscious enough for them to let her on the plane.
Marietta: Not conscious enough to remember that happening, though.
Tammy: So no one has anything to say about the limo I got for us?
Martin: I’m sorry, I was too busy being entertained by the Three Stooges.
Marietta: I’ll take that as a compliment!
Moira: What’s on our itinerary again, Tammy?
Tammy: I’m not the one with the itinerary. You guys are visiting the city, I’ll be in Westchester from tomorrow on soaking up all the time I can with my family.
Kathleen: We’re hitting up all the places we can while we’re here, we want to get the full NYC experience!
Tammy: Well, let’s get this car packed and get to my place. We’ve had a long day of traveling, and I need a good nap.
Marietta: You mean you came all this way and you’re not planning on spending any of it seeing NYC?
Tammy: I was the senator from this state for thirty years and I lived in the state for over seventy, I got to see more than enough of the city in that time. You don’t have to worry about me.
Marietta: I’m not “worried,” I just thought it would be fun to see some of the big sights of the city together.
Patty Lynn: It’s only one o’clock, we could go to Times Square for the afternoon and then head to your place!
Sarah: Yay, more walking!
Tammy: You know, Mitch is waiting for us and he gets worried wh-
Amy: That’s a lie!
Tammy: I don’t appreciate being called a liar.
Amy: And I don’t appreciate being lied to, so what now?
Tammy: How is it a lie?
Amy: Mitch doesn’t care where you are, as long as you’re not dragging him into anything annoying.
Marietta: That is very true.
Moira: Reminds me of Milton. Speaking of which, I should text him and let him know I landed safely. He’ll be worried if I don’t.
Marietta: But you just said - never mind.
Sarah: Are we going to stand on the Today show plaza one morning? If I took the time and money to fly here and don’t even get to meet Hoda Kotb, is any of it even worth it?
Patty Lynn: Money? You didn’t pay for anything!
Sarah: My time, then.
Kathleen: Don’t worry, we’ll go.
Marietta: So are we going right back to Tammy’s or are we going to Times Square? Because if we’re going walking, I need to get my sneakers out of my suitcase before I throw it in the trunk. These sandals are not walking shoes.
Amy: What kind of a psychopath wears sandals on an airplane? Those things are petri dishes in tin can form and you’ve got your foot all up in them. Ew!
Marietta: They were comfortable and easy to wear, plus, I thought they’d be easier to take off at the security checkpoint.
Tammy: You know what? Screw it. Mitch can wait for us, let’s go to Times Square. It’s always a good time to see a knockoff Elmo.
Marietta: Now we’re talking, that’s culture!
One hour later…
Sarah: Wait, this is what everyone’s always hyping up? This place sucks.
Marietta: I think it’s cool!
Sarah: What about it is “cool?”
Marietta: All these people, all from different walks of life, crammed in one small section of a busy city… it’s magic!
Sarah: I used to think New Orleans and DC were busy, this is nuts. I can barely move, it’s awful!
Martin: You have to think of that as a benefit. Watch the human aquarium.
Sarah: Grandpa, are you high?
Martin: Just watch them swim on by you, enjoy it.
Sarah: I’m sorry, but this is just not for me.
Tammy: Don’t insult my New York!
Man #1: Hey, is that Tammy Yarborough?
Man #2: I doubt it, she bailed on New York?
Man #1: What do you mean?
Man #2: She retired and moved away, just used us for political power.
Tammy: Excuse me, I did nothing of the sort.
Man #1: Told you it was her!
Tammy: I don’t think you understand, I was given a new job.
Man #2: Oh yeah? And it was worth ditching us?
Tammy: I didn’t “ditch” New York, I served it for over thirty years. It was time for something new, and that something new was supposed to be a peaceful retirement here, but my friend called me to help her out and I jumped at the chance. I’m very loyal.
Man #2: Not to New York!
Marietta: Tammy, stop arguing with random people, we’re going to the M&M Store!
Kathleen: I never understood why they had a whole store for that, it’s perfectly fine as just a section of the candy aisle at the grocery store.
Tammy: I’m sorry, I’d love to stay and chat, guys, but I’m on vacation.
Man #2: Ah, she didn’t abandon us, but being in New York is a “vacation” now.
Tammy: You know, I’m trying really hard not to -
Marietta: Just ignore them, let’s go!
Sarah: I need sugar!
Moira: You can’t have too much sugar, I’m not getting into an argument about it with your father when he flies in tonight.
Sarah: I’m an adult!
Moira: Not enough of an adult to get to make her own rules!
Marietta: It’s so tragic watching a relationship crumble before your eyes.
Later that night, at Tammy’s house…
Patty Lynn: Holy guacamole, this place is incredible!
Mitch: Thank you! I picked everything myself!
Marietta: Tammy, are you okay?
Mitch: She’s not, if she were, she’d jump at the chance to point out that she picked out everything in this house, just like when we were in the White House.
Tammy: I’m just thinking about what those guys said about me.
Marietta: You’re kidding me.
Tammy: I’m not! I take the opinion of others very seriously. Does New York see me as a turncoat?
Sarah: Turncoat Tammy!
Moira: Shut up.
Sarah: Wow!
Martin: It was deserved, kiddo.
Tammy: I gave so much to this state and then these guys are saying I abandoned it because I dared to retire in my mid-seventies. I’m upset!
Marietta: They was uninformed morons, don’t read too much into it. Some people just thrive off of making other people feel bad about themselves.
Tammy: I guess you have a point, but it still bothers me. I tried so hard my whole career to be Tammy from NYC, and then I moved to the suburbs and some people had a problem with that and now I’ve moved away and abandoned the whole state. It’s upsetting. Am I no longer a real New Yorker?
Mitch: Are you crazy? You’re still a New Yorker! It’s not about geological location, it’s about what’s in your heart. You are 100% New York.
Patty Lynn: We can tell that from the way she talks, and also her tendency to yell.
Tammy: I DON’T YELL!
Patty Lynn: Very true, you don’t!
Tammy: Thank you for noticing.
Amy: So what’s for dinner tonight?
Tammy: Oh, crap, we don’t have any food in the house.
Mitch: Yeah, it’s been a while since we’ve been here. If there was anything left, I would strongly suggest not eating it.
Kathleen: You guys have delivery here, right?
Tammy: In New York? Yeah, I’d say so.
The next morning…
Milton: Tammy, what are you doing up so early?
Tammy: Planning!
Milton: Planning what?
Tammy: What are you doing up so early, anyway? You’re on vacation, sleep in!
Milton: I’m on a schedule, I wake up at five in the morning every morning. Getting up last six is sleeping in.
Tammy: Oh my god, it’s six in the morning? I need to get to bed.
Milton: You haven’t slept?
Tammy: No, I’ve been buy putting together a fundraiser.
Milton: What kind of fundraiser?
Tammy: A fundraiser to benefit New York charities. Animal shelters, homeless organizations, schooling for the underprivileged, racial justice organizations… you know, places that are vital the tapestry of our state.
Milton: What are you doing that for?
Tammy: I have to prove I’m still a real New Yorker. I’ve lost my connection with my roots, I no longer feel like I have New York blood coursing through my veins.
Milton: That’s so overdramatic.
Tammy: That’s what Mitch told me when the idea popped into my head in bed last night. I disagreed and jumped straight out of bed, threw on my robe, and got to planning. I’ve reached out to a bunch of New York celebrities and I’m putting on a great show to raise money in Central Park on Friday.
Milton: This Friday? Central Park? How’d you get that together?
Tammy: I’m a very powerful woman, Milton.
Milton: I suppose you are. Now, go to bed!
Tammy: It’s my house, I’ll do what I want.
Milton: Tammy, you look sickly.
Tammy: Sickly?
Milton: Have you been drinking water?
Tammy: No, I’ve been working!
Milton: My god. Take a cup of water and get up to bed. You have a busy week ahead of you.
Tammy: Okay, dad…
Milton: Give me all the snark you want, you know I’m right.
Tammy: I’m off to bed. See you in less hours than I’d like.
Milton: I think Kathleens’ got a full schedule for us today, I probably won’t be seeing you until tonight. Maybe even later, depending on what she has us doing.
Tammy: Enjoy the city. I may have betrayed them, but I still love them.
Milton: You really get bit dramatic when you’re sleepy.
Tammy: I do not!
Five days later…
Marietta: Wow, how did you throw this together?
Tammy: Talent and dedication.
Kathleen: You did this in five days?
Tammy: Yep!
Martin: How did you get all these celebrities?
Tammy: Connections!
Moira: I hate that game, the connections never make any sense to me.
Sarah: The name’s a little on the nose.
Tammy: What better way to prove I heart New York than to call it the “I Heart New York Charity Event in the Park?”
Marietta: It’s a little wordy, too.
Tammy: I did a good thing, stop criticizing me!
Marietta: Tammy, I’m not criticizing you. I’m just pointing out that the name’s wordy.
Tammy: I’ve really not gotten any sleep this week, I’m sorry.
Marietta: I have to say, I’m impressed by how you threw all this together just to prove you didn’t abandon New York or care enough about it. If someone said I didn’t care enough about New Orleans, I think I’d just shrug my shoulders and go along with my day. And I’m the mayor!
Mitch: Well, she’s always been a bit nuts, and that’s what I love about her.
Tammy: Now, if you excuse me, I have to go yell at Bette Midler for singing The Rose when she was supposed to sing Wind Beneath My Wings to show that New York is the wind beneath my wings.
Marietta: Her love for New York is so strong, it makes her yell at beloved celebrities. She’s a special lady.
Moira: I’ve never been more scared of her before this week.
Marietta: Yeah, this week brought out a scary side of her.
Mitch: She gets like this when she’s stressed and overworked. It’s why working in the mayor’s office is perfect for her, you guys don’t do anything.
Marietta: That was uncalled for.
Amy: Was it?
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
