LORENZO is backstage at a debate. CHASE, ADAM, LINCOLN, MADISON, SAM, and REAGAN are all standing beside him in support of him.
SAM
As ridiculous as it is that you’re the only one getting to debate…good luck, Lorenzo.
LORENZO
Thank you. I was surprised to, but I guess the Indian people want to know more about my policies.
CHASE
Indianian. And no that don’t.
LORENZO
By the way, how are you all gonna campaign if you don’t have debates?
CHASE
Online ads.
MADISON
I’m doing a couple fundraisers too. Might raise a dollar or two. Literally.
ADAM
I’m gonna hack into the voting machines.
ADAM gets dirty looks.
ADAM
KIDDING!
LORENZO
Well, that’s my cue!
LORENZO runs onto the stage.
MADISON
Did anyone hear his name called?
LORENZO [reappearing]
I thought I did…oh, there it is for real this time!
LORENZO runs back onto the stage.
CUT to the debate stage.
LORENZO
Now you may wonder why I am running onto the stage. It’s because I am running for Congress!
MODERATOR
Congressman…Congressman Lorenzo, please speak only on cue.
LORENZO
Oops.
The crowd laughs.
MODERATOR
Congressman Lorenzo, this question is for you. LorenzoChair cost more money than any other bill in the history of the Indiana state legislature. What do you have to say about that?
LORENZO
I don’t think it cost more money than any other bill in the history of the Indiana state legislature.
MODERATOR
Sorry, I meant it cost more money over the course of the upcoming five years than any other bill. What do you have to say about that?
LORENZO
Uh…can you give me easy questions, I don’t want to answer that.
The crowd gasps.
LORENZO
The Affordable Chair Act may have my name as a cosponsor, but so does the Repeal bill.
LORENZO’S OPPONENT
Which you voted against.
LORENZO
I choked under pressure, is that not a good enough excuse?
LORENZO’S OPPONENT
That’s a terrible excuse! As your representative, I would never choke under pressure, and that’s a promise.
LORENZO
Easy for you to say. You have no idea what it’s like being a representative. Maybe LorenzoChair—I mean, The Affordable Chair Act—wasn’t everyone’s favorite, but don’t you want to get a cotton candy beer with me?!
The crowd starts to cheer. LORENZO waves to the crowd and smiles.
MODERATOR
Representative Lorenzo, if re-elected, what ideas do you have?
LORENZO
There are two things I want to do. First, I want to…uh…welp.
The crowd starts to boo.
LORENZO’S OPPONENT
See? This moron has no policy ideas. I may not be Mrs. Baseball Superstar, but everything will be perfect with me as a representative. And that’s a promise.
The crowd starts to cheer.
MODERATOR
Representative Lorenzo, will you accept the results of the election when you lose?
LORENZO
I’m not gonna lose. Will you accept the results of the election when I win?
MODERATOR
Probably not.
LORENZO’S OPPONENT
I won’t. Everyone in the crowd, start cheering if you’re voting for me!
The crowd erupts with cheers.
LORENZO’S OPPONENT
No way I lose.
LORENZO
You could.
LORENZO’S OPPONENT
Oh no. You don’t understand. There’s no way I lose.
LORENZO looks confused.
LORENZO
Okay…anyways, vote Lorenzo because he said so! Goodnight!
LORENZO walks off the stage.
MODERATOR
Now that we’re down to just one candidate, that concludes tonight’s debate.
LORENZO meets CHASE, ADAM, LINCOLN, MADISON, SAM, and REAGAN.
ADAM
Are they trying to imply they’re going to rig the election against you?
SAM
I’m pretty sure they flat-out said it twice.
LORENZO
I wouldn’t look into it. I’m still super popular. So how’d I do?
MADISON
Terrible, but also not as bad as I thought you’d do.
LORENZO
I’ll take it! Ice cream for me, on me!