Teri: Do you guys know what time it is? You gotta get ready for work.
Betty: Are you talking to me?
Teri: Well, I’m not talking to Steven.
Tammi: Good, because he’s napping.
Betty: I’m not on the schedule today.
Teri: But it’s your shop?
Betty: You’ll be shocked to learn this, but people need time off sometimes. It’s not possible to work so hard 24/7.
Teri: Mom, yelling at Jerry and Mitchell all day is not “working hard.” And, Cindy, you have yet to explain why you’re still dressed like Ebenezer Scrooge.
Cindy: No school today, the pipes burst! Water damage everywhere!
Ralph: You sound extremely excited about that.
Cindy: Ralph, I get to stay home and relax on a Tuesday. I’ve never been more excited about anything in my entire life. I can go to the movies today! I can watch the Olympics! I can take a nap! Is this what it feels like to be you every day?
Ralph: That was uncalled for.
Cindy: I need someone to pick on now that Mitchell is somehow actually working.
Mitchell: And don’t you forget it!
Later that day, Betty gets a phone call.
Betty: Hello! How are you?
Caller: Hello, my name is Winifred and I work for the National Cruise Company. Are you Mrs. Bellwood?
Betty: Well, in fact, I am.
Winifred: I’ve been authorized to offer you a once-in-a-lifetime chance at a free week-long cruise from any of our ports.
Betty: Really? That’s incredible!
Winifred: We have ports in Norfolk, Baltimore, Bayonne, New York, Miami, Charleston and Jacksonville. Our destinations include the Caribbean Islands, The Bahamas and Mexico.
Betty: I’ve always wanted to go to Aruba!
Winifred: That’s one of our stops!
Betty: Well, then this is a no-brainer for me. How do I get my tickets? And how many do you get?
Winifred: You get five tickets.
Betty: Guess I’ll have to pick which of my family members to take. I should leave my daughter Teri home, she’s always in such a bad mood on vacations. And you say this is completely for free?
Winifred: There’s a ten dollar shipping fee for the tickets, but other than that, all free. We just need your credit card number.
Betty: Well, I’ll go get it.
Cindy: Mom, who is on the phone?
Betty: It’s not your business, Cindy.
Cindy: And why are you rummaging through your gigantic Mary Poppins-style purse? Are you paying a bill? Make sure you mark it down somewhere so we know it’s paid.
Betty: Okay, Winifred, the number is 495 511 492.
Winifred: And the name on the card?
Betty: Mine. Betty Bellwood.
Cindy: Mom, I just checked and all of our bills are paid. What are you doing on the phone?
Betty: Don’t worry about it!
Cindy: Oh, you drive me crazy!
Betty: You sound like your sister!
Cindy: She can make a good point every now and then.
Winifred: Okay, Mrs. Bellwood. One last thing. Your address to send the tickets to?
Betty: 195 Burn-
Cindy: Who is asking for our address?
Betty: Stop it!
Cindy unplugs the landline from the wall.
Betty: What was that for? We’re not getting our cruise tickets now!
Cindy: Cruise tickets? Mom, I hate to tell you, but we weren’t getting them before, either.
Betty: Yes we were! And for only the ten dollar shipping fee, too!
Cindy: You fell for a scam!
Betty: How could you know that?
Cindy: No one just gives away cruise tickets for ten dollars!
Betty: It sounded legitimate.
Cindy: Someone calling you in the middle of the afternoon, right out of the blue, to give you free tickets to a cruise sounded legitimate? Even when they asked for your credit card and address?
Betty: Well, when you put it so negatively…
Cindy: Is there a positive way to spin this?
Ralph: What is going on out here with all this yelling? Some of us are trying to nap!
Velma: And some of us are trying to work!
Steven: And some of us are trying to finish their school assignments…
Cindy: I am too upset to even talk about it right now.
Betty: She thinks I got scammed.
Ralph: That wouldn’t be a shock.
Betty: That was rude!
Ralph: Well, it’s true.
Velma: Why do you think she got scammed, Cindy?
Cindy: Why don’t you tell her, mom?
Betty: It will sound stupid if I say it out loud.
Ralph: That doesn’t convince me that you didn’t get scammed.
Tammi: What’s this about a scam?
Betty: Oh no, it’s spreading.
Tammi: What is spreading?
Cindy: Mom got a scam call from someone offering a “free cruise” and they asked her for her credit card number. For whatever reason, she trusted that it was legitimate and gave out her number.
Tammi: Grandma! How could you believe such an obvious crock of sh-
Betty: She said I could go to Aruba! Who would lie about something like that?
Ralph: A scammer?
Velma: Oh, I love Aruba! I’ve gone tw- I’m not helping, am I?
Cindy: No, Velma. No, you are not.
Tammi: Aren’t you supposed to be be working?
Velma: I had to figure out what the great family crisis was. I guess I’ll go back to my dungeon now.
Ralph: Teri’s going to have a field day with this.
Cindy: Forget Teri. What’s dad going to say?
Betty: Oh, I didn’t even think of that! Please don’t tell him! There’s still a chance we’re really going on a cruise, you know!
Ralph: Is there?
Betty: No!
Tammi: This is really bad, grandma.
Steven: Can you guys be quiet? I can’t focus on my math homework!
Ralph: Aren’t you supposed to be in school?
Tammi: He has off today.
Cindy: Have you been paying any attention at all?
Ralph: I’ve been watching the Olympics, I’m not paying attention to any of you.
Betty: I can’t watch the Olympics after what happened in Pyeongchang. Evgenia Medvedeva was robbed in the ladies figure skating event!
Cindy: Do you not have more important things to focus on than… whatever you’re talking about?
Tammi: I’m impressed by her pronunciation of Russian names, though.
Betty: You pick up a lot when you eat, breathe and sleep Olympics for two weeks every four years.
Later that day…
Cindy: Dad, we have something to talk to you about.
Ralph: You’re never going to believe this.
Karl: That is never good.
Danielle: Well, the house is still standing, so at least it isn’t that.
Jerry: Remember when Betty almost burnt the house down during that Tupperware party?
Betty: That was not my fault!
Cindy: This little scandal, however…
Karl: What is going on?
Mitchell: All I know is that, for once, I have nothing to do with whatever wrongdoings occurred here today.
Velma: I’m sure you’ll find a way to get yourself involved.
Cindy: Mom did a bad thing.
Betty: Accidentally. It was not on purpose!
Karl: It can’t be that bad. Probably no worse than anything I’ve seen you do in the past.
Betty: Eh…
Cindy: You know those dumb spam calls you get all the time?
Karl: You mean the reason my phone says I have seventy missed calls?
Cindy: Yes, those.
Karl: What about them?
Velma: Mitchell, where are you going?
Mitchell: The shower? That allowed?
Velma: You’ll want to hear this.
Betty: I answered one of those spam calls and I didn’t realize I was being taken for a ride and believed that we were getting free tickets to a cruise.
Karl: Oh, honey..
Cindy: It gets better!
Teri: I mean, it’s pretty funny so far. Can’t imagine it getting any funnier.
Cindy: I guess whether it gets “funnier” depends on your sense of humor.
Betty: She told me that it had a ten dollar shipping fee attached to it and asked for our credit card.
Teri: You didn’t…
Betty: I gave it to her. I almost gave her our address, too, but Cindy stopped me.
Teri: What, was she expecting them to send the mafia to get us? Tony Soprano was gonna show up?
Cindy: You never know. Better to give them as little information as possible about us.
Karl: Betty… what is wrong with you?
Betty: I’m so sorry!
Karl: I don’t understand how you could fall for that! Do you know what could happen? They could withdraw all of our money. All of it! Oh my god! Why would you ever give anyone you don’t know your credit card information over the phone? My god! God! I gotta be alone right now. I have to figure out what to do.
Karl walks downstairs to the basement.
Teri: Well, mom finally broke dad. Some would say it was a matter of time, really.
Betty: Oh, I really screwed up this time.
Danielle: I’ve never seen him so mad?
Frank: Can you blame him?
Teri: Shut up, Frank! But, no. I can’t blame him.
Mitchell: I need a drink.
Teri: Don’t we all? Who wants a White Russian? Mom, why are you crying?
Ralph: Because she may have just caused her and dad to lose all of their assets?
Tammi: It’s probably because “White Russian” reminded her of some figure skating nonsense.
Betty: Yup.
Teri: Oh, mother…
Steven: I still can’t focus on my work while you guys are arguing!
Tammi: Put in some earplugs.
Frank: You can listen to music and focus just fine, but you can’t hear us conversing and get work done? Maybe try harder.
Betty: Yeah, Steven. You need to focus a bit harder.
Teri: Mom, don’t try to deflect.
Betty: Deflect? What?
Danielle: You know, guys, I don’t think it’s right for us to be intruding on this. We should go somewhere else, it’s a personal family matter.
Velma: What do you mean? I’m just making dinner.
Mitchell: There isn’t even any food out.
Velma: It’s part of my process.
Cindy: There’s no need for anyone to go anywhere. There’s nothing more for us to say, we don’t need to make mom feel any worse than she already does.
Velma: That’s a notably different tone than earlier today.
Cindy: Yeah, well, dad sort of did enough screaming for all of us so now the rest of us have to act normal.
Betty: I appreciate that. I feel bad enough so as it is, I don’t need anyone else jumping down my throat.
Teri: That means you, Frank.
Frank: I wasn-
Teri: It. Means. You.
Jerry: So, uh, what’s for dinner?
Mitchell: Velma?
Velma: Don’t smirk at me like that, Mitchell.
Cindy: I’ll make stir fry.
Jerry: Sounds good to me.
Mitchell: I was hoping for lasagna.
Teri: Good thing you know where the kitchen is.
Twenty minutes later…
Karl: Betty…
Betty: Karl, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to cause you all this stress, I just wasn’t thinking at all.
Karl: I’m the sorry one! I overreacted completely. You just made a mistake. One I wouldn’t have made, but still, a mistake.
Betty: I don’t think anyone else would’ve made that mistake, if I’m being honest.
Velma: Mitchell would.
Mitchell: You abuse me.
Karl: I thought things out while I was downstairs, and the solution seems pretty obvious in hindsight. I can just call the bank, tell them what happened, cancel those credit cards and get new ones.
Teri: That’s what, the third new card in a year?
Karl: Well, the last one was really your fault, was it not?
Teri: Uh, no. Mom bought a timeshare that was going to bankrupt us.
Cindy: Not this conversation again.
Betty: What if the money is already gone? Can we get the money back if it’s my fault?
Karl: We’ll have to see. I’m sure they have safeguards in place for this sort of thing.
Teri: Or maybe we all become paupers. Who’s to say?
Jerry: All? My money is not in that bank account, and trust me, there’s a reason for that.
Ralph: Because what normal person would give my mother access to their finances?
Jerry: Well, it’d be strange to share a bank account with your in-laws to begin with. Especially when your mother-in-law is, well, you know.
Cindy: I thought we all agreed not to give mom any more crap?
Jerry: I don’t remember agreeing to that. I know you decided that, though.
Karl: I’m going to call the bank. The longer I wait, the greater the odds that they withdrew those funds.
Frank: It’s all going to be all right, Karl. Don’t you worry.
Teri: I don’t think anyone asked you, Frank.
Tammi: He was only trying to be nice and encouraging.
Teri: But he’s always wrong. If he says it’ll be all right, that means the world is about to end.
Mitchell: So, uh, about that stir fry?
Cindy: I thought you wanted lasagna?
Mitchell: Stir fry sounds good!
Cindy: It’s coming up, hold your horses.
Fifteen minutes later…
Teri: Well, that was a long phone call.
Karl: I was on hold for so long. I heard Bat Out of Hell in its entirely.
Ralph: You know, people used to tell me that I looked like Meat Loaf.
Danielle: Rest in power, Loaf.
Betty: So, what happened?
Karl: No money was taken out, they didn’t even make an attempt.
Jerry: How weak.
Cindy: I know, I was definitely hoping to see my parents’ life savings taken away by a boat scammer.
Teri: And did you get new credit cards?
Karl: For the second year in a row, I sure did. They’ll be here in like a week, so no Amazon shopping until then, okay Betty?
Betty: You got it! I don’t think I’ll be using credit cards very much for some time.
Teri: She’ll be back to mazing that baby out within the month.
Ralph: You think it’ll be that long?
Cindy: Dinner’s ready! Dad, you get your food first. It’s been a stressful day for you.
Mitchell: What about for me?
Velma: What, did you actually have to ring up someone’s order at the shop today? What a hard life you lead.
Ralph: Thankfully he can take a cruise to Aruba to unwind.
Betty: You joke all you want, but what if it is real? Canceling those cards just cost us free cruise tickets!
Teri: Mother…
Betty: I’m kidding! God, I’m not that clueless!
Cindy: I've learned not to underestimate you.
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