Marietta Season 4 Episode 14 - drivers license


Marietta Season 4, Episode 14
drivers license

Martin and Sarah walk into the house.

Patty Lynn: You’re late! I was worried!

Martin: We stopped for ice cream to celebrate Sarah’s birthday.

Patty Lynn: You’re going to ruin your dinner!

Sarah: We got some for you!

Patty Lynn: Well, in that case I don’t mind.

Sarah: Good, because I have something to ask you.

Patty Lynn: Martin, what is it?

Martin: I have no idea, this is news to me.

Kathleen: With hearing like yours, she probably told you and you just didn’t hear her.

Martin: I wouldn’t rule it out.

Sarah: Could I ask my question now?

Martin: Fire away, sweetheart.

Sarah: Okay, so yesterday was my seventeenth birthday.

Kathleen: Oh, let me stop you for a second. Your great uncle Marvin says he apologizes for the 18th birthday card he sent you. In his defense, he never could do math.

Sarah: He sent me a big check with the card, so he is forgiven.

Kathleen: Yeah, he wants that back if it’s just a seventeenth birthday and not an eighteenth.

Sarah: Really?

Kathleen: He’s not a monster! Of course not!

Sarah: Don’t act like it’s so far-fetched, it’s what aunt Marietta would do.

Patty Lynn: She would not!

Sarah: She’d consider it, though. Anyway, on to what I wanted to ask. I’m seventeen now. I didn’t want to rush into it, but I think I’m mature enough to get my driver’s license. So many of my friends are getting theirs, I’m starting to feel like I’m missing out.

Patty Lynn: I understand what you mean. I got my license right away, I made all the other girls jealous.

Kathleen: They were jealous of your Model-T?

Patty Lynn: I’m ignoring you.

Sarah: So, you’ll let me get my license?

Patty Lynn: Depending on two factors.

Sarah: What are those factors?

Martin: I would like to know that as well.

Patty Lynn: First, your father has to agree to it.

Sarah: Dad? Why would he mind?

Patty Lynn: I don’t know, but he’s your father. I’m just your cool, awesome, beloved grandma. All the decisions have to be his to make.

Sarah: Fair enough, I guess.

Patty Lynn: The other factor is that you need to let me give you driving lessons first.

Kathleen: You? I’ve seen you drive…

Patty Lynn: What is that supposed to mean?

Kathleen: You’re not the most cautious driver out there.

Martin: Don’t worry, Sarah. I can give you lessons, too.

Sarah: That would be great. I have to say, though, Grandma’s will probably be so much more fun.

Martin: I can’t compete with your grandmother in the humor department, no.

Patty Lynn: What is that supposed to mean?

Martin:  You’re funny, honey.

Kathleen: Not in the way she intends to be, though.

Sarah: Can I call dad and ask him about driving?

Patty Lynn: No, don’y you worry about it. I’ll ask him myself. You know how your father is sometimes, he might need some sweet talkin’.

Kathleen: Sarah, if you really want to drive, don’t let your grandmother handle this. Your dad will ban you from driving until you’re forty.

Patty Lynn: Don’t listen to her, you can trust me!

Sarah: If you want to call him, go ahead. At the very least, it’ll be entertaining.

Patty Lynn: I’ll do it while I make dinner. You just worry about your homework.

Sarah: Thanks, grandma.

Martin: Shouldn’t we ask Marietta about this, too?

Patty Lynn: I don’t think that’s necessary. It’s not like she’s her mother.

Sarah: Yeah, grandpa. It’s not like she’s my mother.

Martin: I only pointed it out because you know how she can get. And also because if you get a car, you’d have to store it at her house.

Sarah: We can cross that bridge when we get to it.

Kathleen: I love this well-reasoned and thought-out plan.

Fifteen minutes later, Patty Lynn calls Milton.

Milton: Hey, mom! I can’t talk too long, I’m working on something right now with Kate and Ellie.

Ellie: We’re trying to figure out whether we should rig the Pennsylvania senate primary. Thrilling stuff!

Kate: Not rig! Endorse!

Ellie: Yeah, same diff.

Milton: So, uh, what’s going on there?

Patty Lynn: First off, how are you doing, honey? Are you staying hydrated?

Milton: Yes, mother.

Patty Lynn: Taking your vitamins?

Milton: I don’t know what they even do, but yes.

Patty Lynn: Okay with your daughter getting her driver’s license?

Milton: Excuse me?

Patty Lynn: So you’re good with it?

Milton: I didn’t even know she was practicing!

Patty Lynn: She just mentioned today that her friends are getting their licenses and she wanted to try for it. She has me to teach her, so I’m sure she’ll ace the test the first time.

Milton: I can’t believe she wants to learn to drive so suddenly. She’s never mentioned it to me before.

Kate: Sarah wants to learn to drive? Aww, she’s growing up so quicklY!

Ellie: I blame Olivia Rodrigo. Red lights, stop signs, it really enchants the kids.

Patty Lynn: You know how teenagers are, Milton. They see their friends get something, they want it.

Milton: I know, I was a teenager very recently.

Ellie: It’s good to have a sense of humor, Milton!

Patty Lynn: The good thing is that she has us to teach her!

Milton: Does she? I can’t be there to help. I feel like I’m letting her down.

Patty Lynn: She has me and your father. What more could she need?

Milton: Well, you have my blessing to teach her. I’ll get back in town on Friday, maybe I can give her a lesson then, too.

Patty Lynn: I’ll make her into an old pro by that time.

Milton: I’m sure you will.

Kate: You know, I used to be a driving tutor back in the day.

Ellie: Oh, god, story time!

Kate: I was such a great and responsible driver when I was a teenager, my principal asked me to help tutor some of the younger kids at my school that were just starting out. I like to think I made the streets of Greensboro just a little bit safer.

Ellie: Wake me up when the story’s over.

Kate: It is over! It was just a short anecdote.

Milton: Anyway, mom, I should let you go. It’s quarter after three, so I assume you’re cleaning up from dinner right about now.

Patty Lynn: All right, honey. Thanks for being so understanding! This will make her day! She’ll have that driver’s license in no time at all!

Milton (singing): You said forever, now I drive alone past your street. Dammit, Ellie, now you got it stuck in my head!

Ellie: Like I said, enchanting.

Later that day…

Marietta: You would not believe the day I had.

Kathleen: Does anyone knock anymore?

Marietta: I get yelled at if I knock, yelled at if I don’t. Can I do anything right?

Kathleen: I’m only messing with you. I’d much rather not have to get up, since I am, apparently, the only person in this house who knows how to answer the door.

Patty Lynn: You made it just in time for dinner, honey!

Marietta: Wow, you’re eating late tonight!

Patty Lynn: I was distracted a bit today.

Marietta: By what?

Patty Lynn: You niece…

Marietta: Sarah, what did you do?

Sarah: I didn’t do anything! I only proposed something.

Marietta: You don’t even have a boyfriend, why are you proposing? Oh, don’t look at me like that. That was a funny joke!

Sarah: That is so mean to point out just before Valentine’s Day.

Marietta: So, what did you propose?

Martin: She wa- oh, go ahead honey.

Sarah: I want to get my driver’s license. Grandma already agreed to give me lessons, and dad said I could do it.

Marietta: Oh, I was convinced you were going to ask something bad. That’s great! It’ll save us a lot of time, too.

Sarah: How so?

Marietta: You can drive home yourself, you don’t need to have your grandfather pick you up from school anymore.

Patty Lynn: Okay, Sarah. One more condition to letting you drive. You have to still come here after school.

Sarah: I will, grandma. Don’t you worry.

Marietta: I was only joking to begin with. You know how much I love visiting with you all after work.

Patty Lynn: I don’t know that we do, actually.

Marietta: Oh, mom!

The next day, in Marietta’s office…

John: Thank you for meeting with me, Mayor Landfield. I think we really got somewhere today.

Marietta: I think we did! And, remember, if O’Sullivan and Barrack don’t go along with it, just send them here so I can Tonya Harding their asses.

John: I don’t think that’ll be necessary, they’re pretty good at compromising.

Marietta: That was such a good joke, you should consider getting into comedy!

John: I’m going to get going, I’ll see you on Thursday.

Marietta: Looking forward to it! I need to get this passed so I can brag about it in my State of the City address.

John: I’m confident you’ll be able to do that. Have a nice night.

Marietta: You, too, John!

John leaves and Tammy and Amy rush in.

Amy: Marietta, we need to talk ab-

Marietta: We don’t talk about Bruno.

Tammy: You keep saying that, I still don’t know what it means.

Amy: You’re acting weird today. Is something on your mind?

Marietta: I’d hope there’s something on my mind at all times.

Amy: Is something troubling you?

Marietta: I’m going to do something I never do: I’m going to tell you what’s wrong right away.

Tammy: My god, it’s a miracle.

Amy: Hell must have frozen over.

Marietta: Must you be so mean?

Amy: Absolutely.

Marietta: I’m upset that Sarah wants to learn to drive and she asked my mother to give her lessons. My mother!

Amy: Patty Lynn drives?

Tammy: Patty Lynn has a license?

Marietta: She’s not a terrible driver, but I feel cheated! I’m the one taking care of Sarah, giving her a home to live in, and she doesn’t trust me to teach her to drive? I’m a good driver!

Amy: Oh, Marietta.

Marietta: What? Am I crazy?

Amy: Well..

Tammy: Maybe Sarah just doesn’t want to bother you after work? Your mom doesn’t go to work, Sarah probably figures she has the time to teach her to drive.

Marietta: I suppose. I still wish she’d ask me. We could have so much fun!

Amy: I know this is going to shock you, but here’s a potential solution: just talk to her and tell her you think it would be fun to give her a driving lesson.

Marietta: You think that would work?

Amy: I don’t know why it wouldn’t.

Marietta: Okay, maybe I can talk to her.

Tammy: Now that that’s solved -

Marietta: Is it?

Tammy: Yup. Now, about that meeting with John… how’d that go?

Marietta: It went great! He agreed to my terms for the budget and he’s going to work to convince the others to vote for it. He also agreed to let my assault any councilors who vote against it.

Tammy: How touching. A woman of the people.

Meanwhile, Milton is in Kate’s office…

Kate: Milton, why the long face?

Ellie: I don’t think his face is that long. It’s pretty standard length.

Kate: It’s an expression, Ellie! You were a Harvard professor, my goodness.

Ellie: I was also the President of Harvard.

Kate: And you’ve never heard someone ask “why the long face?”

Ellie: ’Twas a joke, dear. I’m not a complete idiot. If I were, I’d be on the other side of the aisle.

Milton: Uh, ladies…?

Kate: Oh. right, Milton! Why do you look so sad? Is it because the job of campaign committee chair is terrible?

Ellie: Everyone warned you, honey.

Milton: No, I’m sad I’m missing a big milestone in Sarah’s life. Teaching your kid to drive is something any parent should do.

Ellie: I didn’t teach my kids to drive. I got them a driving instructor and we were all better off for it.

Kate: I don’t doubt that.

Milton: I understand what you mean, and I love that you’re trying to comfort me, but I feel guilty still. I miss so much of her life so as it is, I promised myself that I wouldn’t miss the milestones.

Kate: She’ll be driving for a long time, don’t beat yourself up. Down the road, she’s not even going to remember this. My daughter didn’t even remember that I helped teach her to drive. I know, because she recently complained to me about that “mean instructor” who taught her to drive. She didn’t have anyone but me.

Ellie: Ouch, burn.

Milton: I’ll remember.

Ellie: Milton, you’re getting older. You won’t remember for long.

Kate: Yeah, Ellie can barely remember where her keys are. Or where her office is.

Ellie: Don’t tell the voters!

Meanwhile, in New Orleans…

Patty Lynn: Okay, so we’re going to learn how to back the car out. So you stick your hand he-

Sarah: Grandma, we’re going forward!

Patty Lynn: I’d say we are. Did you see what I just did? Don’t do that.

Sarah: This is an interesting approach to instructing, I must say.

Patty Lynn: You know what? You’ve seen people drive. Maybe I should let you go in the driver’s seat and show me what you know.

Sarah: Well, I know not to do what you just did…

Patty Lynn: Very good!

Sarah: I also know to put the car in reverse.

Patty Lynn: Smart!

Sarah: Okay, we’re backing up.

Patty Lynn: Now, try to circle around the parking lot.

Sarah: Circle? Isn’t it a little soon?

Patty Lynn: You’ll do fine!

Sarah: I’m doing it, grandma! The car is in motion!

Patty Lynn: It’s been in motion, but yes, you are moving forward now. I’m so proud of you! Please don’t hit that woman, though.

Sarah: Why not?

Patty Lynn: Sarah…

Sarah: Can I go out onto the street? I clearly have a natural gift, I can manage roads.

Patty Lynn: Sarah!

Sarah: No one’s on the road!

Patty Lynn: Not now. What if a semi comes barreling down the road? Stick to the parking lot.

Sarah: Oh, all right…

Patty Lynn: You went from being afraid of driving around a parking lot in a circular motion to wanting to drive on the street in about a minute’s time. Sweetie, you’re doing well, but not that well. You’ve got a lot to learn so stay focused on learning it all. No one likes a showboat.

Sarah: Showboats are fun.

Patty Lynn: Not when they send their grandmothers to the hospital in a car accident.

Sarah: Okay, I’ll listen. I don’t want to put you in the hospital.

Patty Lynn: Tomorrow, we’ll find a quiet road to drive on. We’re going to take baby steps, okay?

Sarah: Tomorrow? How much practice do I need?

Patty Lynn: Legally? Eight hours. 

Sarah: Eight hours in a car? That much time in a car could get us to Dallas!

Patty Lynn: Honey, I take a road trip every year with your great aunt. I know how far eight hours can get you.

Later that night…

Marietta: So… how’d your first day of driving practice go?

Patty Lynn: She did great. A little too great, actually. She wanted to drive on the road.

Sarah: And she didn’t let me do it!

Kathleen: What a buzzkill.

Sarah: I know!

Patty Lynn: I had to keep everyone safe. Mostly the other drivers. I’ve seen how little new teenage drivers care about safety.

Marietta: You hit one fire hydrant and you never hear the end of it…

Martin: Don’t forget that dog you almost hit.

Marietta: I didn’t!

Martin: Yeah, you just ran over its owner’s foot.

Marietta: I was sixteen! You should never have let me drive through the French Quarter!

Sarah: Other than grandma being far more protective than I’d have liked, it went well. We had fun, she almost ran into a brick wall, great stuff, you know?

Martin: You almost did what?

Patty Lynn: We’re not here to talk about me…

Marietta: But it’s so much fun that we are! The actually reminds me, Sarah I’d love to give you a driving lesson myself. A new perspective can’t hurt!

Sarah: Okay!

Marietta: Oh, really? I was expecting you to put up some sort of fight.

Sarah: Why? You’ll probably let me drive on a road.

Marietta: I will.

Sarah: Wanna do it tomorrow?

Patty Lynn: Tomorrow? But…

Sarah: Don’t worry, grandma, we can still do our practice, as well.

Kathleen: Look out, New Orleans, here she comes! Hide your wives, hide your children.

Martin: Hide your fire hydrants.

What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments, listen to the official playlist, vote in the poll below and make sure to read the new episode next week! 

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