Patty Lynn walks into Kathleen’s hospital room.
Milton: Mom, where were you?
Patty Lynn: Getting a jello cup.
Milton: Where is it?
Patty Lynn: I ate it in the elevator.
Sarah: Why didn’t you ask if we wanted jello?
Patty Lynn: I don’t know where my head’s at, honey.
Marietta: There are some constants in life. My mother being a scatterbrain is one of them.
Patty Lynn: Would anyone like me to go get them a jello cup? Or anything else from the cafeteria?
Milton: No, mom. I wanted to head down for lunch, anyway. If anyone wants something, I can grab it for them.
Martin: No one go anywhere yet! The doctor said today’s the day they’ll try to get Kathleen out of the coma.
Milton: I’m assuming that would take more than a half-hour, no?
Martin: Go ahead an eat if you want, but hurry back!
Milton: I wasn’t planning on making a day of it.
Marietta: Can you grab me a chocolate milk while you’re down there?
Milton: Sure!
Sarah: I would like a filet mignon.
Milton: You have been spending too much time with your aunt.
Marietta: Too much time with me? I gave a very simple and reasonable request!
Ellie: Don’t act like you aren’t the queen of snark.
Marietta: Look who’s talking!
Ellie: We’re both a couple of sarcastic misers. That’s what’s made us bond so well!
Martin: Can everyone please try to quiet down? Kathleen doesn’t need this stress right now.
Marietta: Dad, aunt Kathleen is in a coma right now. She doesn’t know that any of this is going on around her.
Martin: You don’t know that for sure.
Marietta: I do. The doctors said so.
Martin: What do they know?
Two hours later, in the food court…
Marietta: Can I just say something?
Amy: Is there ever a time where you aren’t?
Marietta: I’m so glad to have all of you here with me during this nightmare. Between watching the Olympics with me and just being around to gossip, you’ve really helped keep my mind off everything.
Kate: That’s what friends are for!
Ellie: Very good, Dionne Warwick.
Kate: Keep smiling, keep shining!
Amy: That was sweet, Marietta. I feel bad about saying you’re always talking.
Marietta: No, don’t. It’s true.
Tammy: Did your dad ever find out when the doctors are going to try to bring Kathleen out of the coma?
Marietta: Around three o’clock. They said it shouldn’t take too long for her to regain consciousness after they stop the drugs.
Tammy: Is she going to… be herself when she gets up?
Marietta: Tammy, I’m not a doctor. I have no idea.
Ellie: One of my relatives was in a medically-induced coma once. It took her a little while to get “with it” but considering what she’d been through, she was in pretty good shape.
Marietta: I’m still a little scared. What if she’s not herself anymore?
Kate: I’m sure Kathleen will be just fine. She’s a remarkably resilient person.
Marietta: She’s never gone though anything quite like this.
Kate: She’s tough, Marietta. She was a woman in Congress in the 1970s. A committee chair, no less! That was not an easy thing to pull off.
Tammy: It sort of drove her to insanity, but can you blame her?
Amy: Is that why Marietta is like she is?
Marietta: Yes, Amy. You work in politics, you know we’re all insane.
Amy: I sure do!
Ellie: So, how ‘bout them Olympics?
Tammy: I don’t want to talk about them.
Kate: Aww, Tammy. You never should’ve made that bet.
Tammy: How was I supposed to know that the gold medal frontrunner and her two training buddies were both going to completely crack under the pressure and lead to Marietta’s skater winning the gold? It was supposed to be easy money!
Kate: You weren’t, but you did say, and I quote -
Ellie: “I am so certain that Mary Bradshaw isn’t ending up on the podium that I would strip naked and run down the street if she did.”
Marietta: Well, thankfully we just changed the bet and she only has to give me a hundred bucks. Because no one wants to see that.
Tammy: It’s just an expression, anyway.
Ellie: You shook on it until Kate talked you into a money bet.
Tammy: This is why I didn’t want to talk about this!
Milton: Finally! I found you!
Marietta: What happened? I’m scared. Why are you here?
Milton: That’s always the reaction you want to hear when you walk into a room.
Marietta: Stop dragging it out! What’s going on?
Milton: The anesthesiologist is bringing Kathleen out of the coma now.
Marietta: Now? It’s early!
Amy: Yeah, Kate hasn’t even finished her stuffed chicken breast yet.
Milton: What can I say? It’s a hospital, the doctors work when they can.
Marietta: Well, tell them to wait up for us!
Milton: Can you come now?
Marietta: They’re still eating.
Kate: You can go without us. It’s not like we could go in the room, anyway. We’ll be up soon enough.
Marietta: Are you sure? Will you even be able to find your way up to the room?
Ellie: Do you think we’re a bunch of dementia patients?
Amy: Aren’t we?
Tammy: Speak for yourself! My mind’s as sharp as a, uh, you know.
Amy: Uh-huh.
In Kathleen’s hospital room…
Marietta: Is she awake yet?
Patty Lynn: Honey, they just took her off the anesthesia. It’s gonna be a wh-
Kathleen: Uh…
Martin: Kathleen! You’re awake!
Dr. Vickers: I just want to warn you, she may not be able to speak fully for a while.
Martin: She’s making sounds, though! That’s something!
Patty Lynn: She’s moaning. Like a ghost.
Marietta: It’s funny, because if she died, she would have haunted you forever.
Patty Lynn: She sure would have!
Martin: Don’t even say that word in here!
Marietta: I don’t think it’s going to cause her to d-i-e if I say the word. She’s out of the clear. Right, doc?
Dr. Vickers: I’m not able to speak on that, I’m not the doctor assigned to her case.l
Marietta: Come on, let me have this!
Milton: I just love that aunt Marietta called him “doc” like she’s a vaudeville performer.
Sarah: I was thinking more along the lines of Bugs Bunny.
Marietta: Shut up!
Martin: Patty Lynn, if you can hear me, the gang is all here! We are all rooting for you.
Milton: Don’t tell her that, she’ll want to go back to sleep.
Marietta: Mom isn’t here, you can feel free to wake up!
Sarah: She might be out of it, but she’s not blind or deaf. We’re a little too late on selling that lie.
Patty Lynn: You are all being so mean to me!
Marietta: It’s what Aunt Kathleen would want!
Martin: She’s still alive! It’s not like she’s…
Marietta: Not like she’s what, dad?
Martin: I’m not going to say it.
Marietta: You almost did say it, though. I know you did!
Martin: Oh, you kids…
Sarah: I hope that doesn’t include me. I am an angel!
Milton: What did I do?
Thirty minutes later, in the waiting room…
Tammy: So, how is she?
Marietta: Eh… not fully there yet.
Ellie: Neither is Amy, and we made her Senate Majority Leader.
Kate: Not the time for jokes!
Marietta: No, it really is. Please keep them coming!
Amy: What’s going on with Kathleen? How is she not fully there?
Marietta: She’s not really talking yet. She’s aware of what’s going on around her, but she’s still not fully with it, you know?
Amy: So like how I feel after I wake up in the morning?
Marietta: I guess?
Tammy: What the hell happens to your brain while you’re asleep? You can’t talk after you get up?
Amy: It’s a serious problem, Tammy.
Ellie: I have a real question for you, Marietta. Don’t laugh.
Kate: This should be good.
Ellie: Are we really the best you could do? Us four? You have no one else to lean on for support?
Marietta: It’s pretty sad, ain’t it?
Ellie: Oh, honey. I am so sorry.
Kate: I think we’re pretty great!
Ellie: We are escaped mental patients!
Tammy: Ellie, quiet. We’re at a hospital, if you go around saying that so loud, someone will probably believe you.
Patty Lynn: Marietta, your aunt wants to see you.
Marietta: My aunt? Kathleen?
Patty Lynn: That is her name, last time I checked.
Marietta: She’s speaking?
Patty Lynn: Unless your father got really good at ventriloquism, yes.
Tammy: She’s talking! That’s great!
Ellie: She wants Marietta, though. What if she blames her for this happening to her and wants to tell her off?
Kate: That isn’t funny!
Marietta: It was pretty funny.
Marietta walks into Kathleen’s room.
Kathleen: Good, everyone’s here.
Sarah: Well actually, grandma ran to the bathroom.
Kathleen: Like I said, everyone’s here.
Marietta: It’s nice to see your personality has not changed a bit!
Kathleen: Why would it change? Did something happen?
Marietta: Oh, god. Does she not know?
Kathleen: Yeah, why am I in a hospital gown? Have I been kidnapped?
Martin: She knows.
Kathleen: Ah, Martin! You should’ve let me have a bit of fun!
Martin: This has been a very traumatic time for all of us, we don’t need to be pulling any pranks on anyone.
Sarah: Yeah, aunt Marietta had to miss the Olympic ice dancing free dance! We haven’t heard the end of it since.
Patty Lynn: Did I miss something while I was out?
Moira: Just what you’d expect.
Kathleen: Oh, I didn’t even see you over there, Moira! It’s so sweet you came!
Moira: We’re practically family, I’ve been worried sick about you for four days now!
Marietta: Tammy, Amy, Kate and Ellie are all here too if you want to see them!
Kathleen: Look at me. you think I want more company looking like this?
Marietta: I don’t think they’d mind. They’re not expecting you to look like Miss America.
Kathleen: I look better than Miss America!
Marietta: You sure do!
Kathleen: You don’t have to lie to me just because I’m in the hospital!
Marietta: Wow, she is in rare form today!
Patty Lynn: I don’t notice any difference at all.
Milton: She went into the coma as my aunt Kathleen and she came out as Don Rickles.
Kathleen: Why was I in a coma, by the way? I apparently had a heart attack, why would they put me in a coma for that?
Martin: I think that’s really more a question for the doctors.
Kathleen: What do they know?
Marietta: I have to say, you collapsing at that lunch -
Kathleen: Oh, don’t remind me.
Marietta: That was one of the scariest moments of my entire life. I was so worried we were going to lose you. I’m not ready for that!
Kathleen: You can’t get rid of me that easily!
Patty Lynn: Even I was worried. It took me so off-guard, I thought you were just having hot flashes.
Kathleen: You were worried, Patty Lynn? You really mean it?
Patty Lynn: Obviously! We give each other a hard time, but I love you like my own sister. I wouldn’t be able to live without you there to heckle me every step of the way.
Kathleen: Aww, that was so sweet it just about gave me diabetes.
Martin: I hope not, you really don’t need that on top of everything else you have going on.
Kathleen: It’s an expression, Martin. Do you understand humor at all?
Martin: You’re right, guys. She really is meaner.
Patty Lynn: Again, I don’t see it.
Sarah: It’s good to have her back. I felt such pressure to keep up the meanness quota in the family while she was out of it.
Nurse: Okay, everybody. I know you’re all thrilled to have her back, but I think she needs some rest. This has been a lot for her.
Kathleen: Like I need more rest. I just got four days’ worth!
Martin: Listen to the medical professionals, Kathleen. They know what they’re talking about.
Kathleen: I’d hope so!
Martin: Yeah, she really does need rest. Maybe a Xanax, too.
Outside of Kathleen’s room…
Tammy: Done visiting already?
Patty Lynn: She’s crabby so the nurse made her take a nap. I’m gonna have to use that tactic on her around the house.
Tammy: She’s doing well, though? Talking is a huge sign of progress!
Martin: She has some healing to do, but she’s pretty much her old self. It’s going to be all right.
Kate: That’s great! I always knew she was such a fighter.
Marietta: It’s nice to have one less thing to stress about.
Milton: I’m sure we’ll find plenty more to stress you out soon enough.
Marietta: Can’t wait!
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments, listen to the official playlist, vote in the poll below and make sure to read the new episode next week!
