Marietta is at Patty Lynn and Martin’s house for dinner.
Patty Lynn: This is quite a momentous dinner!
Kathleen: Is it?
Marietta: Mom thinks any time we’re all under one root is an incredible moment even though it happens at least once a week.
Patty Lynn: Are we forgetting that Kathleen just got out of the hospital? This is her first family dinner in weeks!
Kathleen: I’m home to have dinner with my family after having a heart attack, it’s not like I won an Academy Award.
Milton: That doesn’t mean we aren’t all thrilled to have you happy and healthy!
Kathleen: Happy and healthy? I see you’ve been listening to music with Sarah too much.
Milton: Actually, with Moira.
Sarah: I’m the one who played Good 4 U for Moira for the first time, though!
Martin: Who ever said Kathleen is happy?
Kathleen: I am quite happy! Happy it’s Mardi Gras!
Patty Lynn: Mardi Gras, Kathleen’s home, Marietta’s meeting with an Olympic champion, we have new neighbors… like I said, momentous!
Marietta: New neighbors? You never mentioned new neighbors. Who moved?
Martin: Evelyn went into assisted living, it got to be too much for her.
Patty Lynn: A cute young couple moved into her place! It’s going to be fun seeing them raise a family in this stuffy old neighborhood. Before them, the youngest person on our street became AARP-eligible in 2013.
Marietta: That’s not that old.
Milton: You’re only saying that be-
Marietta: Shut up, Milton.
Sarah: She’s saying it because that person’s younger than her.
Marietta: Do you really want to hurt me?
Sarah: Truth hurts.
Milton: Are you guys naming songs for the family mixtape or -
Marietta: So, about Mardi Gras! Who else is going this year?
Kathleen: I don’t know if my heart could take the excitement.
Patty Lynn: You’re right, seeing people puke off a balcony with their boobs hanging out sure is exciting!
Milton: Well… yeah.
Sarah: Dad!
Milton: I’m being honest. You don’t see it every day! That’s exciting!
Martin: Give it enough time, a tourist is bound to do it at least once in a day on Bourbon Street.
Marietta: Remember that time I almost ruined Mardi Gras for everyone?
Milton: How could we forget?
Marietta: The appropriate response was “No, Marietta, you didn’t almost ruin it. That was a reasonable and understandable blunder that wasn’t your fault at all.”
Milton: If that’s what helps you sleep at night, sure.
Martin: I wonder if our new neighbors have ever experienced Mardi Gras before.
Sarah: They’re in for a surprise when they drive through the city if they haven’t been here for it before.
Marietta: You got your driver’s license last week and now you think you know everything about driving.
Sarah: I just wanted to feel like an adult part of the conversation! It sounded like something grandpa would say!
Martin: It’s funny you should mention that, it’s what I was thinking.
Kathleen: Sarah’s been spending so much time here, she’s turning into an old man! The horror!
Milton: I’m not going to be home for Mardi Gras, it’s going to be so weird to not get to experience all the weirdness.
Marietta: Well, there’s plenty in this house right now. Suck it up before you leave!
Milton: You know what I mean!
Sarah: You meant naked women. What a pig.
Milton: I meant the floats and the music and the grand spirit of the day.
Sarah: Suuuuuuuure.
Later that night…
Patty Lynn: Honey!
Martin: What’s going on? Is there an intruder?
Patty Lynn: It sounds like it, but no.
Martin: I hear nothing.
Patty Lynn: Are you deaf?
Martin: Close to it.
Patty Lynn: How are you hearing what I’m saying now but not that noise?
Martin: Lip reading.
Patty Lynn: It’s dark in here!
Martin: What can I say, I have a gift. Also, I’m lying about not being able to hear. It’s very loud. What is it?
Patty Lynn: Is it people celebrating Mardi Gras a bit early? Maybe they’re so drunk, they lost track of the date?
Kathleen: It’s our new neighbors. The “cute” ones.
Patty Lynn: What? That nice couple is making all this noise?
Kathleen: It just sounds like music. Very, very loud music at three in the morning.
Martin: That’s hard to believe.
Kathleen: Look out the window, Martin. Their lights are on. If i believed in gun ownership, I’d probably go over there and shoot them myself.
Patty Lynn: I don’t think that would be good for your heart!
Kathleen: Yeah, neither is being woken up in the middle of the night by the sounds of the Black Eyed Peas, but that’s what just happened.
Martin: Maybe they’re just moving in, they did just buy the house. Let’s cut them some slack.
Kathleen: Do you want me to die?
Martin: How did you g-
Kathleen: I need rest! The doctors said so!
Martin: I have earplugs if you want them.
Kathleen: I would like that very much, thank you.
Martin: Here they are. You don’t have to return them, they’re yours now.
Kathleen: Thank you, I am going back to sleep. Pray that I can fall asleep quickly.
Martin: I’m not wasting a prayer on that.
Kathleen: That was so rude.
Kathleen walks out of the bedroom.
Patty Lynn: What’s the big worry with getting to bed? It’s Saturday night! She got a hot date tomorrow or something?
Martin: I think she just likes being annoying. Let’s go to bed.
The next day…
Patty Lynn: Kathleen, Tom and Sylvia are about to stop by for dinner. What are you not going to do?
Kathleen: Eat the lasagna, because it will clog my arteries.
Patty Lynn: Oh, I don’t care about that.
Kathleen: Come on, you love me. You were crying in my hospital room every night, Martin told me.
Patty Lynn: Martin!
Martin: I had a moment of weakness.
Patty Lynn: What I’m getting at is that I don’t want you to fight with them over last night. It was a one-time thing and it only happened because they were moving things into their house. It’s not a problem. Right?
Kathleen: If you’re asking if I’ll behave, I will. Begrudgingly.
Patty Lynn: I don’t care how excited you are to keep the peace, as long as you do it at all.
Kathleen: We all know if there’s one thing I love, it’s peace. I’m pretty much the Ringo Starr of this family.
Martin: Isn’t Lennon the one with the song called Give Peace a Chance?
Kathleen: Yeah, but Ringo went all the way. Peace and love has been his catchphrase for years.
Patty Lynn: I hate to miss any relevant Beatles discourse, but I think I hear them at the door. I need to go.
Kathleen: There goes the sun.
Martin: That was a George song.
Kathleen: George?
Martin: Harrison!
Kathleen: You don’t have to yell! I just had a heart attack, dammit!
That night, in Patty Lynn and Martin’s bedroom…
Patty Lynn: Oh, that was a nice night.
Martin: I especially enjoyed how they made sue to tell us they needed to get home by ten so they could watch the finale of Euphoria. I don’t know what that is, but it seems to be important to them. So important that it was the first thing they told us.
Patty Lynn: Are you implying that you think they’re rude?
Martin: No, I just think it’s an interesting display of generational di- What is that noise?
Patty Lynn: Oh, not again.
Martin: I get that they want to party every day, but must they rock and roll all night?
Patty Lynn: They told us today that they’re already fully moved in.
Martin: Aside from some clothing in their car.
Patty Lynn: Perhaps they’re bringing that in?
Martin: Patty Lynn…
Patty Lynn: I was just offering a potential excuse!
Martin: What are we going to do?
Kathleen: Murder-for-hire.
Patty Lynn: Ah!
Martin: When did you sneak in again?
Kathleen: Just now, after being waken up by the even-louder sounds of… what the hell are they listening to now? Snoop Dogg?
Martin: It sounds to me like Salt-N-Pepa.
Kathleen: I don’t really care, I just want it to stop.
Patty Lynn: We all do, but complaining about it isn’t going to stop it.
Kathleen: Isn’t it?
Patty Lynn: I’m not going over there, and neither are you. We don’t need to make enemies with our neighbors who just moved in! They’re lovely people!
Kathleen: Lovely people wouldn’t play music this loud when normal people are trying to SLEEP!
Martin: They also wouldn’t scream loud enough to hear across the globe and yet, here we are.
Patty Lynn: You do have a point, Kathleen.
Martin: I never thought I’d live to hear those words.
Patty Lynn: It’s extremely rude! A Sunday night, people have to work tomorrow. Why would they think that’s okay? I know people think of us as a party town, but we have standards, we have morals, we have respect!
Martin: You’ve set her off now.
Kathleen: Well, she’s right.
Martin: Never thought I’d hear that, either.
Patty Lynn: So, what are we going to do about it?
Martin: Go to sleep. I’ll give you earplugs, too. We will be fine.
Patty Lynn: If it happens one more night, I am storming over there and screaming at them like one of those ladies on Big Little Lies.
Martin: And you’d have my permission.
The next day, Marietta is at City Hall.
Marietta: Tammy, where is she?
Tammy: Are you asking where I am or where Mary Bradshaw is?
Marietta: Obviously I know where you are! You’re right next to me!
Tammy: That doesn’t mean anything.
Amy: You get confused really easily.
Marietta: That is to true.
Marissa: John told me that she just got here and her mom’s parking their car.
Tammy: I know she’s an American hero, but -
Amy: Tammy, no.
Tammy: You didn’t even know what I was going to say!
Amy: It wasn’t going to be good.
Moira: I’d like to hear it.
Amy: Kissass.
Tammy: Thank you, Moira.
Marietta: Watch yourself, Amy. Moira’s basically my sister-in-law, I have to side with her.
Tammy: What I’m saying is that Mary’s gold medal doesn’t give her an excu-
John: Everybody, let’s give a warm New Orleanian welcome to Olympic gold medal-winning figure skater and our hometown hero, Mary Bradshaw!
Marietta: Welcome home, Mary. You have made our city and our nation so proud! Not to mention, you’re an inspiration to people name Mary and Mary-adjacent all over the world!
John: The mayor, city council and I want to thank you for representing the city of New Orleans so well on the world stage by presenting you with the city.
Marietta: Your dedication to the art of figure skating has inspired a nation, and a world. We are so proud to have you as a New Orleanian.
Mary: You guys are too kind, really. I’m just a girl who had a dream and decided to chase it. All that followed has just been icing on the cake.
Moira: The icing’s pretty sweet, though, ain’t it?
Mary: I’d say so!
Marissa: Marietta, your phone.
Marietta: What about it?
Tammy: It’s ringing, dear. Even I can hear it.
Marietta: Oh, I’m sorry! I gotta take this. Don’t pause the celebration because of me.
Amy: We weren’t planning on it!
Marietta steps away to answer the call.
Marietta: Mother, what do you want? I’m busy!
Patty Lynn: You are? Are you sure?
Marietta: I’m meeting Mary Bradshaw. An American hero!
Patty Lynn: Okay, then I’ll make it quick.
Marietta: Please do.
Patty Lynn: So, you know our new neighbors?
Marietta: I know that they exist, yes.
Patty Lynn: Well, they’re very nice, aside from one thing. At night, they like to party.
Marietta: Party? How do they party?
Patty Lynn: They play the loudest music I have ever heard in the middle of the night. It’s horrifying.
Marietta: Well, have you considered telling them to stop?
Patty Lynn: We’ve thought of it, but we’re trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.
Marietta: Uh-huh.
Patty Lynn: I’m really quite sick of it at this point, though. So is your aunt. Two nights in a row!
Marietta: Does dad not care?
Patty Lynn: No, he seems to have purchased stock in earplugs.
Marietta: It really bothers both you and aunt Kathleen?
Patty Lynn: Yes, very much so.
Marietta: Okay, here’s what you’re going to do then. If it goes on for another night or two, you’re going to talk to them. Tell them your concerns and nicely ask for them to stop. I understand not wanting to get on their bad side, but there’s gotta be a line.
Patty Lynn: Two more nights? That long?
Marietta: Give ‘em a chance to clean up their act, at least.
Patty Lynn: Okay, thank you for the advice. You get back to your meet and greet. Ask her -
Marietta: I’ll send her your well wishes. I am not asking her to do you any favors.
Patty Lynn: Aww.
Two days later…
Martin: Patty Lynn…
Patty Lynn: Why do you keep saying my name like that?
Martin: I have never had a worse night’s sleep in my entire life than last night. That includes the time we stayed at the bedbug motel.
Kathleen: It gets worse every night. At this rate, they’re going to have Aerosmith perform a concert in our hallway tonight.
Martin: They made this year’s Mardi Gras seem reserved and quiet in comparison.
Patty Lynn: Yeah, in the words of Barbra Streisand and Donna Summer, enough is enough. I’m going over there.
Kathleen: Right now? They were blasting music at three in the morning and it’s currently nine, so I’m assuming they wont’ be up for guests for another four or five hours.
Patty Lynn: Do I look like I care?
Kathleen: The bags under your eyes are so big, it’s hard to notice anything else.
Martin: And that’s their fault, not yours.
Patty Lynn: They can wake us up, I’ll have to wake them up.
Kathleen: Right on! Sock it to ‘em!
Martin: I have to ask, though. Is it your intention to go over in your pajamas, a fuzzy robe and rain boots?
Patty Lynn: Whoops! Guess I need to change first.
Kathleen: No, I think that look really emphasizes the mood. It says “You’re ruining my life and I’m gonna show you the evidence!”
Patty Lynn: You just want our other neighbors to see me like this so I embarrass myself.
Kathleen: Perhaps.
Ten minutes later, Patty Lynn walks over to Tom and Sylvia’s hosue.
Sylvia: Oh, Mrs. Landfield! It’s so nice to see you! I was just tending to the garden.
Patty Lynn: Honey, I need to talk about… well, I’d hope you already know.
Tom: Hi, Mrs. L-
Patty Lynn: I don’t have all day, guys. Please stop playing your music so late at night. It’s extremely rude. No one in my house has gotten a good night’s sleep since you’ve moved in.
Sylvia: We didn’t realize it was so loud, I’m so sorry.
Patty Lynn: How could you not? They could hear it in Arkansas!
Tam: We’ll try not to make it quieter tonight.
Patty Lynn: Don’t try, do it. I am not asking for much. I just want to sleep. We don’t all have the luxury of being young and carefree like the two of you. Not to mention, my sister-in-law has a heart condition and she needs her sleep! The stress of all this could kill her and rest assured, she will haunt you if it does! I’m sure the rest of the neighborhood feels the exact same way as I do. Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to go back to my house and try to get things done that I would’ve finished two hours ago had I not overslept due to your early morning jamboree.
Patty Lynn walks home.
Martin: So, how’d it go?
Patty Lynn: I don’t think we’ll be having any fun neighbor dinners with them anymore, but they got the idea.
Kathleen: Hallelujah!
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments, listen to the official playlist, vote in the poll below and make sure to read the new episode next week!
