Betty, Cindy, Tammi and Velma walk into the house after a late night at the bowling alley .
Betty: Girls, that was such fun! We need to do it again some time!
Tammi: Okay, tell me if this is a stupid idea.
Zeke: It’s stupid.
Tammi: What are you doing here, Zeke?
Zeke: I live her, Tammi.
Tammi: Only when Amelia’s mad at you. Did she finally come to her senses?
Zeke: She’s out of town this weekend.
Cindy: I gotta get to bed, honey. Are you going to spit your stupid idea out first?
Tammi: I saw a sign posted at the bowling alley for a bowling league that competes once every other week. Would you guys want to do that?
Velma: I’d be willing to do just about anything that would get me out of this house more often than I currently do.
Cindy: Once every other week? I think I could make it work.
Betty: I’ll have to check my schedule. It’s very busy, you know. Oh, I’m just joking. I think that would be a blast!
Tammi: Okay, I’ll have to sign us up. We need a team name, though. Something catchy!
Betty: The Pink Ladies!
Cindy: Like in Grease?
Velma: Grease is the word!
Betty: Yes, that is from Grease, but it’s also a common bowling team name. It’s cute!
Tammi: I like it. It’s simple, it’s nice, it works.
Betty: There’s a garment company that I buy from for the boutique that I think could make us nice bowling jackets. You want me to order them?
Cindy: That would be very helpful, mom. Thank you.
Teri: Whoa, what is going on here and why was I not invited?
Cindy: Teri, we did invite you. You said, and I quote -
Teri: “I hate bowling.” Yeah, I do.
Cindy: So why are you acting surprised or upset about us going out for a night of bowling?
Teri: You’re making some sort of club that I feel left out of.
Betty: You can be our coach!
Teri: What do you think this is, mom? The NFL? I’m not going to coach your bowling squad. I’m just giving you all a hard time. Have fun throwing balls down an alley at pins while wearing sweaty shoes previously worn by hundreds of other people.
Cindy: We will do just that! Hopefully you have fun staying home and watching General Hospital!
Teri: I do not watch General Hospital! Anymore.
Ten minutes later…
Betty: I hope I didn’t wake you, honey.
Karl: Eh…
Betty: Oh no! You were sleeping?
Karl: I was reading a book and getting drowsy. It doesn't matter, though, I’m awake now if you want to chat.
Betty: I just formed a bowling team with the girls!
Karl: By “the girls,” do you mean Cindy Tammi, and Velma?
Betty: Well, Danielle is out of town and Teri refuses to even walk into a bowling alley, so yes, those are “the girls.”
Karl: What does Teri think about this? Or does she not know? Might be best to keep it that way.
Betty: Oh, she knows. She was snarky about it, as usual, but she gave it her blessing.
Karl: That’s good to hear. We know how she acts when she’s jealous.
Betty: Like a spoiled brat? I know, but she’s taking this well. I think her hatred of bowling has a lot to do with it.
Karl: Anything else interesting happen tonight?
Betty: No, you can go to sleep now if you want to.
Karl: Thank you, honey. I love you so much.
Betty: I can’t help but feel like you’re only saying that because I’m letting you go t- and you’re already asleep. Sleep well, honey.
Five days later…
Tammi: Okay, everyone. I hope you’re ready, because I have some big news!
Frank: Are y-
Tammi: No, honey.
Frank: You didn’t ev-
Tammi: Honey, let me speak.
Frank: Okay, guess you di-
Tammi: Guess I didn’t.
Jerry: She’s pissed off today and taking no nonsense. I’m proud of her. I tau-
Tammi: Dad, let me talk!
Jerry: I deserved that.
Tammi: Mom, grandma, Velma and I formed a new bowling team to join the bowling league at the bowling alley and Saturday is going to be our first competition.
Mitchell: Since when do you bowl, Velma?
Velma: I have a life outside of this house, Mitchell.
Mitchell: I never said you didn’t, honey.
Velma: Don’t “honey” me.
Steven: Mom, why didn’t you ask me to bowl with you?
Tammi: It’s really more of an adult thing, sweetheart.
Steven: I can be adult!
Tammi: No, it has an age requirement. Sort of like the presidency.
Ralph: Did you just compare a bowling league to the presidency?
Tammi: You’re right, it’s not fair. We work a lot harder.
Teri: I just have to say, it is so funny to me that joining a bowling league is considered big news in this house.
Karl: Teri, don’t be rude.
Teri: I’m just saying! It’s not like they won the Nobel Prize.
Cindy: I don’t see you winning one, either.
Teri: That was uncalled for. I could if I wanted to!
Cindy: Making chicken tacos is not considered “chemistry.”
Teri: It should be.
Ralph: Tammi, do you have anything else to add to your story?
Tammi: No, that’d be all.
Ralph: Then I agree with Teri that it was a disappointment. I’m happy for you, though!
Tami: Not all of my stories can be winners, I guess.
Jerry: It was a lot more interesting than most of our idiotic dinner table stories. At least you guys are getting out there and doing something fun with your lives.
Teri: What are you implying, Jerry?
Jerry: I’m saying that most of us spend all of our time off relaxing on the couch watching nonsense like lazy bums. It’s nice that a few of us are at least doing something.
Teri: If I want to unwind with some RuPaul’s Drag Race at the end of a long day, then I see nothing wrong with that.
Frank: Some of you get offended so easily.
Teri: You thought it was a wise idea to chime in because…?
Frank: I think I have a right to speak.
Betty: Can you all stop fighting? You’re ruining dinner!
Teri: I was wondering when you were going to say something. You were being uncharacteristically quiet.
Betty: I just think we should all get along. Is that too much to ask?
Cindy: No, it isn’t. Right, Teri?
Teri: Your husband was the one who called me a bum.
Jerry: I didn’t mean it that way.
Cindy: Does anyone else have anything interesting to share? Anyone at all?
Mitchell: Anita came in to work today!
Betty: Anita?
Mitchell: Yeah, that skinny lady that sometimes sounds British and sometimes doesn’t.
Frank: You mean Madonna?
Betty: No, Frank. He means my enemy, Anita. Why didn't you tell me she was in? She was up to no good, I know that much.
Mitchell: She just bought a shirt and left, I didn’t think she was behaving suspiciously at all.
Betty: That’s what she wants you to think.
Cindy: Does anyone else have any other stories? Steven, anything happen at school today?
Steven: Not really, no.
Cindy: That’s so helpful.
The next night…
Velma: We’re kinda on fire tonight, aren’t we?
Cindy: Let’s not get too cocky.
Betty: The Pink Ladies have that trophy on lock.
Tammi: Grandma, we haven’t even competed yet in the first of ten matches.
Betty: Doesn’t matter. I feel it in my bones. The only weak link here is your mother, and she’s still pretty good.
Cindy: Excuse me? Who here got a strike during her first time up to bowl? That’s right, me! Not you! Me!
Tammi: Mom, you’e letting it go to your head.
Cindy: I’m just proud of myself.
Betty: Pride is a sin, honey.
Cindy: Then we’re both going to hell, I guess.
Velma: Is someone going to bowl? We’re all just standing here talking. I know I love talking, but there’s a time and a place.
Tammi: You’re up, Velma.
Velma: Oh. Sorry!
Betty: Velma, what are you doing?
Velma: My good luck trick.
Betty: It’s good luck to make out with the bowling ball?
Velma: I’m whispering to it.
Betty: Uh-huh.
Velma: It works! I’m doing well, am I not.
Betty: Better than Cindy, at least.
Cindy: Mom, you have the least points of any of us.
Betty: That is a dirty lie.
Velma: Okay, I am going to throw the ball. I am approaching the lane. I am relea-
Anita: Hey, guys!
Velma drops the ball on her foot.
Velma: Ahhhh!!!
Betty: You bitch!
Anita: Is that any way to talk to a friend? Or to a fellow competitor?
Betty: A fellow what
Anita: Some of the HOA gals and I formed a bowling team. It sounded like loads of fun. Speaking of which, like my shirt?
Velma: Guys, I don’t mean to interrupt, but my foot is throbbing.
Betty: I know, Velma. We’re all furious about this.
Velma: You aren’t listening. I dropped a bowling ball on my foot!
Cindy: Do you need to go to the hospital?
Velma: I think so.
Cindy: Come on, let’s go.
Tammi: That means you, too, grandma.
Betty: Oh, yes, right.
Anita: Good luck at the hospital!
Betty: Screw you!
Anita: That’s just poor sportsmanship.
Betty: You sabota-
Velma: Why? Why? Why?
Cindy: Mom, let it go. We need to get Nancy Kerrigan to the hospital.
Later that night…
Jerry: Wow, you guys are getting hom- Oh, Velma, what happened to your foot?
Betty: Anita?
Jerry: Did she pull a Tonya Harding?
Cindy: Hey, that’s what I said!
Tammi: She startled Velma when she was about to roll the ball and it made Velma drop it on her foot.
Velma: I’m going to be okay, though!
Jerry: I would assume. Dropping a bowling ball on your foot doesn’t tend to be fatal.
Mitchell: Do you need some help getting to be, honey?
Jerry: No, I’m good.
Mitchell: I was referring to Velma.
Jerry: No way!
Velma: I would appreciate your help getting to bed, but only if you don’t call me honey. We’ve talked about this.
Mitchell: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Betty: Girls, I know we’re in crisis right now, but what are we going to do about our bowling league? Velma clearly can’t compete with a foot in a cast!
Cindy: We can talk about this tomorrow. It’s after midnight and I’m exhausted. And I think Tammi fella asleep with her eyes open.
Tammi: It’s been a long day. Where am I?
Betty: Okay, you two get to bed. I think I’ll unwind a bit out here.
Cindy: Don’t stay up too late. We may have a bowling competition to compete in tomorrow!
The next day…
Betty: Teri, can you come here for a second?
Karl: I think she has earplugs in.
Betty: Earplugs?
Karl: Those things she uses to listen to music.
Betty: Those are earbuds, Karl.
Karl: What’s the difference?
Ralph walks over to Teri and pulls her earbuds out.
Teri: Hey! I was listening to Hotel California!
Ralph: Mom wants to talk to you.
Teri: What’s going on, mom?
Betty: We have a question for you. Just a nice little proposal.
Teri: Oh boy.
Betty: Tammi, Cindy and I want you to be a Pink Lady.
Teri: You what?
Betty: We want you to join our bowling team.
Teri: By any chance, is this because Velma’s little injury?
Betty: That and because we called Danielle and asked her to come home early from Georgia to join, but she refused for some reason.
Teri: Huh, wonder why.
Betty: So will you do it? We’ll be disqualified if we don’t have a team of four!
Teri: I don’t know why, because I really don’t appreciate being anyone’s backup choice, but I will do it. Probably because I know you’ll whine about it for a long time if you get disqualified.
Betty: Oh, that’s great! Our first competition is in four hours, can you get ready?
Teri: Oh, mom…
Betty: I’ll get you a bowling shirt. It’s gorgeous!
Teri: I’m sure it is.
Four hours later…
Teri: We look like Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink.
Betty: I think the shirts are gorgeous!
Tammi: I’m just glad that our outfits aren’t part of our scores.
Anita: Wow, look at this rag-tag group of misfits!
Betty: Are you here to try to injure another member of our team? Not happening!
Anita: It was a horrible accident, nothing more. It’s bad sportsmanship to accuse someone of intentionally doing something so awful.
Betty: Bad sportsmanship, you say?
Tammi: Grandma, ignore her. Let’s focus on the competition. Her lane isn’t even anywhere near ours.
Betty: You’re right, you’re right. I guess we should get to our lane and get ready to go.
Teri: Is this the part where we put on the gross rental shoes?
Cindy: Sure is! Buckle up, buttercup!
Two hours later…
Betty: Okay, Teri. The good news is that Anita’s team is in fifth place. No shot at the podium for them -
Tammi: There isn’t a podium, grandma. This isn’t the Olympics.
Betty: Well, it should be. Anyway, the bad news is that we’re in second and you’re going to need to knock down nine pins to get us the win.
Karl: You can do it!
Mitchell: Go team!
Velma: Pink Ladies forever!
Teri: So helpful, guys! Keep it up!
Mitchell: It’s really helpful?
Teri: Not really, but it’s sweet you’re trying. It’s even sweeter that Frank knows to keep quiet.
Tammi: Did you just compliment Frank?
Teri: In a way.
Betty: Focus! Make this last throw really count.
Cindy: Remember, second is still a win!
Betty: Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades!
Teri: Mom, you are frightening me.
Betty: Good, you’re learning!
Teri walks up to the lane.
Teri: I’m going!
Tammi: Good, because you’re really stretching this out.
Teri: Here goes nothing!
Betty: Oh, this is so scary to watch! I’m almost as nervous as I was while watching those little figure skating girls do those jumps at the Olympics.
Teri: It didn’t go in the gutter, that’s a win in my book.
Velma: It’s a strike!
Betty: We won!
Anita: This is rigged! Recount! They can’t replace a team member this close to competition! Stop the st-
Betty: This may sound overdramatic, but nothing can ever make me forget the thrill of this moment.
Tammi: Good, because we’ve got nine more of these before the season is over.
Betty: Well, guess we should keep practicing!
What did you think of this episode Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return for a new episode next week!
