Our House Season 4 Episode 12 - Our Mayor

Our House Season 4, Episode 12
Our Mayor

The family is in the kitchen and dining room eating breakfast.

Karl: Oh my god, did you guys see this?

Cindy: Dad, you’re the one who brought the paper in. How could we have seen it?

Karl: I’m just asking because this is big news and I’d hope none of you kept it a secret.

Danielle: Big news in Lakey? I’ll believe that when I see it.

Jerry: Yeah, what happened?

Karl: Mayor Carson was indicted for wire fraud and he’s resigned.

Danielle: Well, I stand corrected.

Frank: That just sounds like another day in the crime-ridden hel-

Teri: Shut the hell up. It is far too early in the morning for me to be hearing your nonsense.

Tammi: She’s not wrong, hon. Eat your pancakes.

Betty: I liked Mayor Carson, he was fighting for the little guy.

Ralph: I don’t think he was, mom.

Betty: This could just be a witch hunt.

Velma: It says here he was arrested by the FBI. They have evidence. If this was a witch hunt, then Mayor Carson might as well be one of the Hocus Pocus sisters. Because that man is guilty!

Jerry: You can’t always believe what the FBI says.

Teri: Oh, here we go again…

Jerry: Carson is clearly scum, but the FBI lies all the time to fit their narrative. Just like the rest of the government.

Ralph: Jerry, you once told me that the state paving roads was communism.

Jerry: It is!

Ralph: Do you know what communism is?

Jerry: I have to get ready for work.

Ralph: Thought so!

Karl: It also says right here that the Lakey Town Council has already scheduled a special election to be held two Tuesday’s from today.

Ralph: That’s a little soon, isn’t it?

Karl: Because of the way the town charter is written, we don’t currently have a mayor. No one is elevated to the position if the incumbent mayor dies or resigns.

Teri: That feels… flawed.

Tammi: Is it that important that we have a mayor? What does the mayor even do in this town?

Frank: Of course we need a mayor! Who else will cut the ribbons at the openings of stores and parks and new benches?

Betty: Mayor Carson was very supportive when I opened the boutique! He cut the ribbon and bought something! You don’t see that every day.

Velma: He was an everyday George Washington.

Steven: Grandma, are you ready to go?

Cindy: Honey, we don’t need to leave for another hour.

Steven: Dad, you reset my clock wrong!

Teri: A kid that still uses a digital clock, you don’t see that every day.

Velma: You guys may not need to go yet, but I need to clock in. Have a good day, everyone, I’m sure we’ll revisit the topic of mayoral corruption at dinner.

Mitchell: Can’t wait!

Velma: I’m sure you can’t.

Later that day, at Betty’s Boutique…

Jerry: I’m glad Betty stepped out, I actually wanted to talk to you about something.

Mitchell: Me? Are you sure you’re not confusing me with Karl?

Jerry: No, I wanted to talk to you. I trust you.

Mitchell: Really?

Jerry: Amazingly, yes. I need advice.

Mitchell: Yes, I think you should re-grow your beard.

Jerry: What? Not that.

Mitchell: Oh, ignore me then. I’m so dumb.

Jerry: I’m thinking about running for mayor.

Mitchell: You? You hate the government!

Jerry: I know! What better way to reform it than to join it?

Mitchell: That’s a good point.

Jerry: Plus, like Frank said, all you really do is cut ribbons. In return, you get free stuff and a nice paycheck.

Mitchell: That’s the American dream.

Jerry: So you think I should run? You think I’d be a good mayor?

Mitchell: You’d be better than the last guy!

Jerry: The last guy is in federal prison, it shouldn't be hard to beat that.

Mitchell: You’d be surprised.

Jerry: I guess I’ll tell the family tonight. Should be interesting!

Mitchell: Don’t you have to ask Cindy?

Jerry: Cindy supports me in anything I do, I’m sure this won’t be any different.

Mitchell: It must be nice. Velma is basically my supervisor.

Jerry: She lets you do fun things, right?

Mitchell: If she wants to do it.

Jerry: You have to run everything by her before you do it?

Mitchell: Not everything. Just the big stuff. Like what new car to get or where we go on vacation or what milk to buy at the store.

Jerry: Oh, Mitchell. That is so pathetic.

Mitchell: Yeah, she tells me that a lot.

Later that night, at dinner…

Velma: So, have we found out anything else about the mayor?

Tammi: What else is there to find out?

Teri: Maybe she wants to know what wires he tapped.

Danielle: I’d tap that!

Betty: Danielle, he’s a criminal!

Danielle: I was only making a joke, calm down, Betty. I’m right, though. The mayor was hot.

Steven: He was like ninety!

Danielle: Now I feel old.

Karl: I actually did hear more about the mayor.

Velma: Thank you for taking my question seriously.

Karl: He apparently wiretapped quite a few people, including the governor’s chief of staff, a state senator, his mistress and her husband.

Ralph: Stand-up guy. Real family man.

Jerry: Speaking of stand-up guys -

Teri: I don’t like where this is heading.

Jerry: I have an announcement to make to you all.

Betty: You won the lottery? We’re going to Aruba!

Cindy: Mom, I think we’d know that already. Right, Jerry?

Jerry: I did not win the lottery.

Ralph: Well, no Aruba for us.

Velma: I’ve already been there. Lovely place.

Frank: “Aruba” sounds kinda like “scuba.”

Teri: Another brilliant observation from Frank.

Ralph: Where does he come up with such wisdom?

Jerry: I’ve decided that I’m running for mayor.

Tammi: Ha, good one, dad.

Betty: Imagine Jerry as mayor!

Danielle: He’d outlaw roads. Tear down stop signs. A gun shop on every corner.

Jerry: I’m being serious!

Danielle: Oh…

Cindy: When were you planning on tell me this?

Jerry: I just told you!

Cindy: I found out my husband is running for mayor at the same time Mitchell did.

Mitchell: Actually, I found out earlier today, at work!

Velma: And you kept it a secret that long? Wow, I’m impressed!

Cindy: I found out after Mitchell? Who else knew the postman?

Teri: Be serious, Cindy. Jerry doesn’t trust the Postal Service, why would he tell the mailman a secret?

Cindy: It was an exaggeration, Teri.

Jerry: Maybe I should have consulted you. It’s not like I filed to run before telling you, though. It’s not official yet.

Cindy: Are you sure?

Jerry: I’m sure.

Cindy: Okay, well, in that case, I’m excited to see you run. I think you could do great things for this town.

Teri: You’re just saying the because you have to!

Cindy: I mean it! The town is a mess right now, Jerry can clean it up.

Ralph: Is he going to clean town square with a mop? He’s certainly not cleaning anything up politically…

Betty: You’re being too hard on him. All you really need to be a good public servant is to be a good person who cares about their constituents. Jerry does. We’d be in good hands with him. Plus, he’s family. Family supports family.

Ralph: Remember that time your cousin ran for Congress and you voted for his opponent?

Betty: That was different. He wasn’t a good person.

Teri: He’s family! Family supports family!

Betty: Shut up!

Ralph: Ah, can you feel the love tonight?

Teri: It’s melting my heart.

Three days later, at the local park…

Jerry: Okay, everyone. We’re going to hand out these flyers to raise awareness for the campaign.

Ralph: You get these at Kinko’s? But twenty, get ten free?

Cindy: Mom, he’s being mean to Jerry again.

Betty: He agreed to help out today, we can put up with his rudeness.

Ralph: Thanks, mom!

Teri: So, who exactly are we supposed to hand these out to?

Jerry: Whoever. And, if they’re willing to listen, talk to him about the values of my campaign. Really try to sell them on me.

Cindy: That shouldn’t be too hard.

Ralph: Aww, that’s cute.

Betty: Do you know who’s running against you? I want to know who I have to tear down.

Jerry: One one guy field to run, his name’s Allan Spanheim. He owns a business in town. He’s a far-leftie.

Ralph: You mean like me?

Jerry: Yeah, exactly.

Betty: Spanheim? You mean like Alicia Spanheim?

Jerry: Your socialist friend in Congress? Yeah, I think he’s married to her.

Betty: You want me to go out and slander Alicia’s husband? I can’t!

Tammi: Grandma, I think you were the only one who mentioned tearing the other candidate down.

Jerry: Oh, I was fully intending on doing it. You give me too much credit!

Tammi: How sweet.

Karl: I think we can stick to just boosting you up, right Betty?

Betty: Uh, yeah. Sure.

Jerry: Okay, now that that’s all settled and we all know what to do, guess it’s time to go. I’ll head to town square. Some of you can come with. The rest, focus on the park, there’s lots of people here on this sunny day. We should get a lot done, so let’s go!

Twenty minutes later…

Betty: Alicia! What are you doing here?

Alicia: Betty Bellwood! It’s so nice to see you again!

Betty: I thought you’d be in Washington today.

Alicia: It’s Saturday, I get the weekends off. I don’t love spending my time off campaigning, but I owe it to Allan after all he’s given up for my political career. You know he’s running for mayor, right?

Betty: Yeah, I just heard.

Alicia: Oh, are those fliers? I didn’t know you were working on the campaign, but thanks!

Betty: I’m actually not…

Alicia: Oh, is it for a garage sale?

Betty: No, I’m campaigning for my son-in-law.

Karl: Against our better judgment, that is.

Alicia: Oh! Your son-in-law is Jerry Delacroix? Wow, I never would have guessed!

Betty: I don’t agree with any of his views, really, but he’s family.

Alicia: I get it. My cousin ran for state house once. He was a far-right Republican. I didn’t vote for him, so I guess I can’t relate to your situation.

Betty: Oh, I also had a bad cousin run for office. Also did not vote for him. I trust Jerry in office, though. I’m sure your husband would be great, too!

Karl: I think we need to get back to campaigning, Betty.

Alicia: I do, too. I wish you both luck and your son-in-law as well.

Betty: It was nice seeing you!

Alicia: You as well!

The next week, on Election Day…

Jerry: Wow, what are you guys doing in your pajamas? It’s Election Day!

Cindy: Honey, it’s six in the morning. Let them be in pajamas. The polls just opened!

Jerry: It’s quarter after six, and I already voted.

Frank: When did you leave the house?

Jerry: You were probably asleep yet, ya lazy bum!

Tammi: Dad! That’s terrible!

Frank: You know, it’s sort of comforting to hear it from someone other than Betty and Teri for once.

Danielle: I mock you sometimes, too!

Frank: You sure do.

Jerry: Anyway, don’t forget to vote! Now, I’m going to take a nap, because I have to work today and I got about five hours of sleep.

Velma: Betty didn’t give you the day off? What a tyrant!

Tammi: She’s not even awake to defend herself, let’s lay off of her.

Cindy: Speaking of not awake, Steven! Where’s he?

Tammi: Ah, crap! I gotta go get him up. His alarm is not working.

Cindy: That’s probably because it’s set to Wild Horses by The Rolling Stones. That doesn’t exactly rock you awake.

Danielle: Such a pretty song, though.

Velma: I bet he dreams about horses a lot around six AM. Music can really impact your dreams.

Danielle: How so?

Velma: I accidentally set my alarm to drivers license by Olivia Rodrigo, and every morning that I overslept I had a nightmare about failing my driving exam. I’ve had a license since I was sixteen! Why does it scare me so much?

Danielle: The thought of having to rely on any of us for transportation would scare anyone.

Later that day…

Betty: Ralph, Teri, you there?

Danielle: Ralph’s listening to music with his earbuds in, Teri’s in the bathroom. I’m here, though!

Betty: Ralph, pull those out.

Ralph: Are you talking to me?

Betty: Yes, Bobby De Niro!

Ralph: I’m gonna pull these out!

Betty: Wise choice.

Teri: Oh, mom. You’re here.

Betty: Try not to sound too excited!

Teri: Uh huh.

Betty: Can we go somewhere private?

Ralph: I think we’re going to get yelled at.

Betty: Porch! Now!

Ralph: Okie dokie!

Teri, Ralph, Danielle and Betty walk out to the porch.

Betty: Okay, I have something to admit. I went to the polling place to vote, and I got in the booth, and I just couldn’t. I had to walk out. I couldn’t fill in that bubble next to Jerry’s name.

Teri: Oh, thank god. I couldn’t either.

Betty: You also went to vote and had to walk out?

Teri: Oh, god no. I decided last night I wasn’t going to vote.

Danielle: You guys are terrible!

Teri: You didn’t vote either!

Danielle: Yet!

Teri: Danielle… it’s four o’clock. Do you really want to deal with the post-work rush?

Danielle: No…

Ralph: So none of us voted for him?

Danielle: Doesn’t appear that way.

Ralph: So why did we spent so much time campaigning for him?

Teri: Keeping up appearances.

Betty: I was going to vote for him, but I just… I don’t know. I suddenly felt a bit concerned. Like he wasn’t the one for the job. I feel bad, but it’s too late now.

Teri: We have a few hours left. Not too late yet.

Danielle: We just need to not tell anyone.

Teri: I’m good with that.

Ralph: I have to be honest. I was never planning to vote for him. Jerry in political office? What a nightmare!

Teri: At least mom and I only decided recently. You’ve been lying for weeks.

Ralph: You two truly deserve the Nobel Peace Prize.

Later that night…

Jerry: Results time! Everyone watch!

Tammi: I heard great things about turnout, dad. Record mayoral election turnout in this town!

Frank: It was packed when I went.

Teri: Yeah, when I went, too!

Jerry: I went so early that the election officers both looked unconscious.

Patrick Colby-Howerton: Hello Lakey, we interrupt this program for Election Night 2022 coverage. I’m Patrick Colby-Howerton.

Frank: I just noticed he has the same last name as me. I wonder if he’s a cousin of mine or something.

Tammi: Honey, watch the TV.

Frank: Will do!

Patrick It’s a close race for mayor to replace indicted former mayor Mark Carson. Democrat Allan Spanheim, business owner and husband of Congresswoman Alicia Spanheim, is facing Republican Jerry Delacroix, a retired US Army officer.

Jerry: And registered paralegal!

Cindy: Since when?

Jerry: It didn’t pan out.

Patrick: Election officials delayed results until all votes could be counted, and it is time to report those results. Over four thousand voted in today’s election, a record high. With 2,118 votes, Allan Spanheim has been elected mayor of Lakey, triumphing by a single vote over Jerry Delacroix. A recount is likely, but as of now, it appears that Congresswoman Spanheim is no longer the only politician in the Spanheim family.

Frank: Stop the steal!

Jerry: I think I’m going to head to bed, you guys. It’s been a long day. Thanks for your support.

Ten minutes later…

Karl: We’re all just sitting here in silence.

Cindy: Can I admit something to you guys?

Karl: Anything, sweetheart.

Cindy: I didn’t vote for Jerry. I was afraid it would take up too much of his time.

Tammi: Mom, that’s awful! I feel better, though, I didn’t vote for him either.

Teri: Did anyone in this house actually vote for Jerry?

Tammi: What do you mean?

Danielle: We’ll take it to our graves, she said. No one will know, she said.

Cindy: Did you not vote for Jerry?

Teri: You’re one to talk! You didn’t vote for your own husband!

Cindy: And I feel sick about it!

Betty: We all do, Cindy.

Cindy: You didn’t vote for him either?

Frank: Did anyone besides me actually vote for him?

Mitchell: I did!

Velma: I did, too. Though, I must say, it’s pretty shocking to me that Mitchell actually voluntarily went to a polling place instead of coming home form work to lay down. Progress!

Mitchell: I had to, Jerry was my ride.

Velma: Makes sense.

Cindy: Can we all promise to not tell Jerry about this?

Betty: Trust me, no one here wants him to find this out.

Karl: I’m so ashamed of all of you!

Teri: You voted for Jerry?

Karl: Hell no! But I’m not about to orchestrate an elaborate coverup to keep him from finding out I didn’t vote for him. It’s immoral.

Ralph: What’s immoral would’ve been putting Jerry in office…

Mitchell: Come to think of it, I was so distracted by the hot election officer, I may have accidentally filled in the wrong bubble.

Velma: You were distracted by the what?

Mitchell: It was a joke!

Teri: Doesn’t matter, we’re blaming Jerry’s loss on you anyway. Thanks, Mitch.

 What did you think of this episode Our House? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to return for a new episode next week!

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