MANNY, FELIX, ACE, DEVIN, ROBERT, LORENZO, and HARRY are all walking from the parking lot into the bullpen.
DEVIN
Crazy how we all arrived here at the exact same time, isn’t it?
ROBERT
I’ll say.
FELIX
You know what’s even more crazy?
ROBERT
What?
FELIX
Me still being here. One bad pitch as a starter and two seasons later I’m still stuck here!
MANNY
Felix, you’ve expressed your frustration many times.
HARRY
Yeah, do you think I like cooking hamburgers for all of you without getting to eat any myself?
ACE
Except those times where you make them for your yourself and don’t offer to share.
LORENZO
Why aren’t we talking about the important things? I call the right corner of the bench!
Everyone steps foot onto the field and walks closer toward the bullpen. They see a man, 40s, sitting silently at the right corner of the bench.
ROBERT
Looks like that spot’s already taken, Lorenzo.
LORENZO
Excuse me Sir. This bench is for pitchers only.
FELIX
Let me elaborate: he means people who sit in the bullpen. Somehow, there’s a difference when it comes to this team.
MAN
Oh I’m well aware.
After a silence:
ACE
I’m glad you enjoyed your time on our bench but—
MAN
They didn’t tell you? I’m Charles! The new bullpen member!
MANNY
You’re who?
HARRY
Manny, as the bullpen coach, it’s your job to pretend you know what’s going on.
CHARLES
Maybe you didn’t see it in your emails.
DEVIN
We have emails?
FELIX
So what team did you come from? Or are you a rookie from the farm system?
CHARLES
A farmer I was!
FELIX
From the Primitives system or somewhere else?
CHARLES
Oh no, somewhere else. I mostly grew corn and rice.
LORENZO laughs. Everyone else is silent.
CHARLES
That wasn’t a joke.
MANNY
Alright, I knew the standards for becoming a member of this bullpen are low, but not THAT low!
HARRY
The guy might be a good pitcher, we don’t know. We should stop assuming things about older people.
ACE
Says the older person.
CHARLES
You see, I was the winner of the big contest. To make up for having a shorter season last year, the team put together a raffle of all season ticket holders, with the winner becoming a member of the bullpen. And I won! Needless to say, I probably won’t be pitching too often.
DEVIN
None of us will.
FELIX
I’m not losing hope!
CHARLES
I’ve been a season ticket holder for 17 years. Dare I suggest I know as much about the ballpark as you do?
LORENZO
How much are the hot dogs at the booth by the third base section?
CHARLES
$8.
LORENZO
Wow, you’re good! How much are the salads?
CHARLES
$11.
LORENZO
I’ll take your word on that one.
CHARLES
After the game, do you guys want to play bumper cars?
Everyone else looks at one another confused.
ROBERT
I...I did not know they put in bumper cars this season.
CHARLES
They didn’t. They’ve been there for a good ten years!
LORENZO
How have I never heard of them?!
CHARLES
Well, typically they’re only open to those aged 10 and under, or under 120 pounds. But nobody ever uses them and they don’t even bother to have someone watch the area.
ACE
Why wait for after the game when we can go right now?
HARRY
Yeah, I’m out of here by the 7th inning anyways. No point in staying if I can’t pour myself a cold one.
CHARLES
Come on, follow me.
CHARLES leads everyone else to the bumper cars, a small run-down area hidden inside a facilities closet.
FELIX
I call the red one!
FELIX runs full speed toward the red bumper cart.
MANNY
Wow, I didn’t know he’d be so into it.
CHARLES
Just a heads up, the red one goes a little faster than all the others.
LORENZO
I haven’t played bumper cars in so long!
Everyone gets into a bumper cart and puts their foot on the pedal.
DEVIN
This is so much fun!
HARRY
Can’t say the same. Reminds me of sitting in traffic.
MANNY
Harry, I bumped right into you, how is that the same as sitting in traffic?
HARRY
It happens to everyone every now and then.
MANNY
Oh?
FELIX
Lorenzo, I’m coming for you!!! This really is fast!
LORENZO sees FELIX driving full speed at his bumper car and moves. FELIX goes crashing into the wall, making a dent in the wall.
CHARLES
I told you it goes faster than the others! Are you okay?
FELIX
My arms are a little sore. Both luckily and sadly, neither of them are my pitching arms.
ROBERT
I hear footsteps.
Everyone runs out of the bumper car area.