Evergreen Aimee Season 1 Episode 4 - Night Moves

Evergreen Aimee Season 1, Episode 4
Night Moves

Aimee is sitting in her office at night and calls Victoria.

Aimee: Aunt Victoria!

Carolyn: Victoria can’t come to the phone right now.

Aimee: Carolyn? Where is my aunt? And why do you have her cell phone?

Carolyn: Your aunt is watching the season premiere of The $100,000 Pyramid. She says it hasn’t been on in a year and isn’t about to miss any of that “sweet, sweet Strahan action.” I don’t know what that even means and I don’t want to know.

Victoria: Carolyn! Is that my Aimee?

Aimee: Hi Aunt Victoria!

Victoria: Give me the phone, Carolyn!

Carolyn: What about Strahan?

Victoria: He’s on commercial break. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here.

Aimee: Glad I’m a lower priority for you than Michael Strahan.

Victoria: Are you serious? Of course not! I was making a joke.

Aimee: It’s hard to tell sometimes. Mainly because I am exhausted. Pregnancy isn’t helping me think, either.

Victoria: You can go to bed, we can talk tomorrow.

Aimee: No, I need to know how the big house search went today!

Victoria: Well…

Aimee: Oh my god! You found a place!

Victoria: I’m moving in next week!

Aimee: Next week? That’s fast! How’d that happen?

Victoria: I actually made an offer last week. I didn’t want to tell you about it until closing. I couldn’t risk jinxing it.

Carolyn: We’re gonna miss her so much!

Aimee: I just want to clarify. You do know that I’m moving back to Washington once I lose the Senate race, right?

Victoria: Yes! But it’s only May now, I will have if for seven months.

Aimee: I guess that’s the joy of being rich.

Victoria: I’m not rich. I’m just independently wealthy.

Aimee: Right.

Aimee yawns.

Victoria: Am I boring you?

Aimee: No, I just need to lay down. It was a long day.

Victoria: I know. Carolyn told me everything. I figured it was a long day when when she came through the door at six PM looking like she hadn’t slept in a week.

Carolyn: I look fine!

Victoria: You looked tired!

Aimee: I think I gotta go lay down. Congrats on the new place.

Victoria: Good night, Aimee! Talk to you tomorrow, dear!

The next morning…

Lynette: Aimee!

Aimee: Good lord, Lynette! I’m barely awake!

Lynette: I can tell, you’re still in your PJs.

Aimee: It’s four thirty in the morning. Why are you not at home?

Lynette: I couldn’t sleep. Clearly you couldn’t either since you were up when I got here.

Aimee: I had to get a drink of and use the bathroom. Why are you in my office? And how'd you get in?

Victor: Hi Aimee!

Aimee: Oh my god! What is going on today?

Victor: Lynette knows that I sleep in my office just like you. She banged on the door until I let her in. Then she asked for me to unlock your office door. I want to go back to sleep, so I agreed.

Lynette: Thank you for doing that, Victor. You’re a doll.

Aimee: I’m becoming a Democrat. Peretti sleeps peacefully locked up in her castle, this wouldn't happen with her.

Victor: I still have access to all the keys to every office.

Aimee: Well, guess I’m not switching then. But I’m very displeased because I’m two months pregnant and I have to get up in an hour!

Victor: I’m going back to bed, girls. You have a good morning.

Aimee: Like hell you are!

Lynette: Aimee, I’m here with important news.

Aimee: Someone better be dead. It better be that level. Don’t bother saying it if it’s not.

Lynette: Alicia Spanheim is introducing a new bill to ban sleeping at the office. You and your weird little cot were the first thing I thought of when I heard the news.

Aimee: Get out.

Lynette: Aimee, I know you’re upset about it but I didn’t do it!

Aimee: I need to sleep! And I need to pee! But really I need to sleep! Go!

Lynette: I guess we’ll discuss this in a few hours. See ya at six?

Aimee: I will be in the shower. Do not come at six.

Lynette: Got it. Six thirty.

Aimee: I’ll be eating breakfast.

Lynette: Always wanted to east breakfast with the common folk who can't afford secondary housing.

Aimee: See you later, Lynette! Go before I snap!

Lynette: All right, going!

Two hours later…

Alec: Aimee, did you hear the news?

Aimee: What news? Did Maurine Redford chase after another member of Congress with a clenched fist?

Alec: No, that was yesterday.

Aimee: What’s todays news?

Alec: Spanheim’s bill to stop members from sleeping in their offices.

Aimee: I don’t want to talk about it.

Alec: Aimee, I know you can’t be thrilled with it but it’s going up for a vote today anyway.

Carolyn: What are you guys talking about?

Alec: The Spanheim bill.

Carolyn: I was coming here for the exact same reason!

Aimee: Why is everyone coming to me about this bill? Lynette broke into my office at four o’clock to tell me about it.

Alec: She did what? How?

Victor: Aimee! What’s up!

Aimee: With his help.

Alec: Victor! Why did you break into Aimee’s office with Lynette this morning?

Victor: I did not break in. I have a key to it and Aimee knows that.

Alec: Why were you using it at four AM?

Carolyn: Actually, why are you here now? You never come see us in our offices. We need to come to you.

Victor: I’m here to tell Aim-

Aimee: Don’t even. Why are so many people so concerned about this sleeping in offices ban? It’ll fail like it always does.

Carolyn: Why does Alicia think she has any right to try and change the rules around here? She’s in her second term, she should leave this to those of us that actually know how to get around here without a map.

Alec: I guess that means we shouldn’t let Lynette make decisions around here since she still needs a map to get around.

Victor: She does not.

Aimee: Victor, she doesn’t know where the cafeteria is.

Victor: Neither does Carolyn.

Carolyn: That’s just because I’m rich! Lynette can’t find it because she’s clueless.

Victor: Anyway, Aimee. I wasn’t just coming by to tell you about the bill. I knew Lynette already told you about it.

Carolyn: So why’d you decide to grace us with your presence, big guy?

Victor: Nanette is putting it up for floor debate today and tomorrow with a final vote expected tomorrow.

Carolyn: How much time do we need to debate about whether we can sleep in our office or not?

Alec: This is why people hate the government, because we waste time arguing about pointless garbage like this.

Aimee: You know what? My sleep was interrupted last night so now I’m tired and pregnant. I’m okay with having a day to argue about useless garbage!

Nanette: That’s the spirit!

Aimee: Why is everyone coming to see me today?

Nanette: I wanted to let you know that I’m h-

Carolyn: She knows.

Nanette: I didn’t tell anyone else so I’d be shocked if she did.

Victor: You’re forcing a vote on the office sleep bill because you hate me. You told me that. Are you getting forgetful, Nan?

Nanette: No, Congressman Mulcahy. This effects Congresswoman Ferrera Donahue directly.

Aimee: Again, just Aimee. I’ve been saying this for, oh, ten years?

Nanette: So, Congresswoman Ferrera Donahue. I wanted to be the first to tell you that you’re getting a new neighbor.

Aimee: Mrs. Hubshank across the street finally sold her old place? Wow, good for her!

Nanette: A new office neighbor. Congressman-elect Hillyard will be sworn in today after winning the special election a few weeks ago. That office has been vacant for months and he’s getting it. Thought you should hear it from me directly.

Aimee: Thank you, Madam Speaker. Will that be all?

Nanette: Yes, I have to get ready for today’s session. I’ll see you on the floor!

Aimee: Wouldn’t miss it.

Carolyn: Ooh, Aimee’s getting a new neighbor! And he’s a boy!

Aimee: I’m married And pregnant!

Carolyn: You’ve never had a boy neighbor before.

Aimee: He’s forty-seven years old.

Carolyn: You even know how old he is!

Lynette: What’s going on here? Why’s everyone at your office?

Aimee: Lynette, we were just chatting! No big deal!

Lynette: No big deal? You didn’t notice I was late?

Aimee: No, I got lost in conversation with these guys.

Lynette: Yeah, well I got lost. In the building.

Alec: Told ya so.

On the floor of the house, one hour later…

Nanette: Now that we’ve said our opening prayer and officially opened up this day of the United States House of Representatives, I’d like to start today’s session by swearing in our newest member, Representative-elect Ben Hillyard of New York. Give him a hand, ladies and gentlemen!

Aimee: Yawn. Who cares?

Lynette: That was you one time, Aimee.

Aimee: No one cared then, either.

Carolyn: Aimee’s just in a bad mood because of the Spanheim bill.

Aimee: Spanheim’s bill won’t pass, I’ll get to keep sleeping in my office for months to come.

Alec: Ah, the good life.

Lynette: I keep forgetting that you’re retiring. It’s gonna be awful without you.

Carolyn: Once again, Lynette. You are also leaving. You're going to be a senator.

Lynette: We’ll see about that.

Carolyn: You announced your run six months ago.

Lynette: I could lose.

Aimee: It’s Wyoming.

Lynette: Maybe someone finds out one of my deep, dark secrets.

Carolyn: Do… do you have one? Or many?

Lynette: Maybe.

Carolyn: Aimee, I’m scared. Switch places with me?

Aimee: Lynette isn’t going to kill you, Carolyn.

Victor: Be quiet! They can see you on C-SPAN!

Lynette: Ooh, not C-SPAN!

Victor: You sound like a bunch of teenage girls.

Alec: Thank you for excluding me from this equation.

Victor: I was including you.

Alec: That stings.

Nanette: We are now opening up the floor for speeches. Today, we are debating the bill by Ms. Spanheim of Virginia to outlaw members residing in their official House offices. Speeches will be limited to five minutes unless a member yields their time to you. Congresswoman Spanheim, you have the floor.

Aimee: This should be good.

Alicia: Madam Speaker. I rise today in support of my H.R. 19. We debated this on the House Rules Committee yesterday and it was approved for a floor vote with a ten to three vote. It’s clear that I am not the only member of this body that sees this practice as an issue. Folks, this is a safety issue and a health issue. We need to think of our staff. There have been multiple reports of staffers walking in an partially or fully undressed members of Congress in their offices because they overslept.

Aimee: So you just knock on the door before you come in. Not hard!

Alicia: The average office job in this country would not allow an employee to sleep in their cubicle, and they’d fire anyone who did so, especially if they exposed themselves to an underling! Why do we accept it from the people who make this country’s laws! We need to lead by example in this body! I say this as a mother, a daughter, and a sister, as well as an actual human being with feelings. Sometimes us members of Congress forget that our fellow members have feelings but we do.

Aimee: F*ck your feelings.

Alicia: I wouldn’t want anyone I love being subjected to what it basically harassment from their boss.

Aimee: Give me a break, I have never harassed any of my employees because I sleep in my office. Sure, one of my breasts was almost exposed one time but I buttoned the shirt before the-

Victor: Aimee, shut up!

Aimee: Sorry, didn’t realize you were a librarian.

Alicia: Madam Speaker, I yield the floor.

Nanette: Thank you, Congresswoman Spanheim. Who is next? Congresswoman Ferrera Donahue it is!

Aimee: Madam Speaker, I rise today in strong opposition to H.R. 19. I don’t have a second home in DC. I don’t have an apartment. I don’t even have childcare, because I don’t have the money. I don’t! I have to leave my kids at home with my husband because I can’t afford to cover the costs of a nanny for them. I am poor! So many of us are. The Congressional Housing Stipends provided by this bill won’t cover the cost of living in DC, which is outlandish! My dear friends Congresswomen Chaffee and Mackenzie Roy are vastly wealthy and even they have had difficulty purchasing housing here. For many of us, sleeping in the office is the only way that we can serve. To my fellow Republicans, I know I sound like a liberal here. But it’s true that there is classism involved here. Congresswomen Spanheim and this bill’s other sponsors can all afford off-building lodging. I can’t. So many less wealthy members can not. This bill would make it impossible for us to serve, because we’d have nowhere to sleep! It would discourage less average folks, who deserve a say in Congress, from running. Do not pass this. I yield the floor, Madam Speaker.

Carolyn: Wow, Aimee! You were on fire!

Alec: As someone who shares an apartment with four other dudes and feels like a college frat boy, I really felt that. Classism!

Aimee: I know, Kimmy’s socialist talks at dinner are finally paying off!

At midnight, Aimee is awoken by a mysterious noise.

Aimee: What the hell is that sound?

Aimee hears it again.

Aimee: Shut up!

Aimee hears it again.

Aimee: You know what?

Aimee picks up her phone and calls Dave.

Dave: Aimee! What’s wrong?

Aimee: I am unable to sleep and I needed to talk to someone. Why would you assume that something’s wrong?

Dave: Well, you’re pregnant and it’s a geriatric pregnancy so anything could happen.

Aimee: Did you just call me old?

Dave: Honey, never!

Aimee: I think you did. You know, a guy hit on me today.

Dave: What?

Aimee: Yeah, I think it might have just been a dream but it was so vivid and realistic. Anyway, if I’m such an old bother, you get back to whatever fascinating thing you’re up to. Goodbye, David.

Aimee hangs up and calls Cherie and Ernesto. Kimmy answers.

Kimmy: Aimee! Sure is late for you to be up! Something keeping you up? You finally realize you weren’t meant to be a Republican.

Aimee: No, I’m still a Republican. Something else is keeping me up.

Kimmy: It sure ain’t regret over voting for a bad bill because mom makes us watch C-SPAN and y’all did NOTHING today.

Aimee: Thank you, Kimmy. I love the support.

Kimmy: I have a question for you.

Aimee: Make it quick, please. I want tot talk to my parents.

Kimmy: Mommy and daddy are out.

Aimee: I know you don’t still call them mommy and daddy so that was an attempt at mocking me and I don’t appreciate it.

Kimmy: It’s so sweet of you to notice!

Aimee: What’s your question?

Kimmy: So, Aimes, you think I could win if I ran for your seat?

Aimee: Kimmy, you’re twenty.

Kimmy: Don’t be ageist, Aimee.

Aimee: It’s not ageism, you literally are not legally allowed to run.

Kimmy: I disagree with that assessment.

Aimee: Of course you do. You do love things that aren’t constitutional. See the Green New Deal.

Kimmy: You thinking that is unconstitutional is just you hating the planet!

Aimee: No, it’s that. Never mind.

Kimmy: You said on TV today that average citizens should run.

Aimee: When they are constitutionally able!

Kimmy: Change the law.

Aimee: Kimberly Claudette Ferrera I can not change the Constitution!

Kimmy: Ooh, Aimee Lee Ferrera Donahue broke out the full name, she’s pissed now!

Ernesto: Kimmy, stop tormenting your sister over the phone.

Aimee: Thank you, dad! Kimmy, tell him I said thank you!

Kimmy: Dad, Aimee told you to shut up.

Ernesto: Go to bed, Kimmy.

Kimmy: It’s nine o’clock!

Ernesto: Its midnight in sister’s timezone, that’s late enough.

Cherie: Is that my Aimee on the phone?

Aimee: Mom!

Cherie: Honey, what’s wrong? Why are you up at midnight? The House session ended at eight, I saw that on C-SPAN. Is something wrong with the baby?

Aimee: Why does everyone think something’s wrong with the baby?

Ernesto: It’s not the baby, right?

Cherie: She didn’t answer yet!

Aimee: Put dad on speaker phone!

Cherie: How do I d-

Cherie hangs up.

Aimee: You know what, Aimee? Bed time.

The next morning, Aimee has a meeting with Denise in her office.

Denise: You okay, Aimee? You look tired.

Aimee: The ass next door to me has decided to sleep in his office and he snores like a hog!

Denise: I’m guessing he watched your floor speech yesterday about “classism.”

Aimee: I’m not a liberal now.

Denise: Didn’t say you were.

Aimee: Care for a cup of tea?

Denise: No, thank you.

Aimee: Are you sure?

Denise: Aimee, you’re holding up a mug full of apple juice.

Aimee: Well, it’s hot apple juice with something seeped in it. I don’t know what.

Denise: Do you need a nap? I don’t think we can really talk about the campaign with you like this.

Aimee: It’s seven in the morning.

Denise: The guy next door probably isn’t sleeping anymore! Perfect time to catch some zs.

Aimee: Okay, don’t have to convince me.

Denise: I’ll put a “do not disturb” sign on the door so no one barges in.

Aimee: Thank you, mom.

Denise: Wow, you really are exhausted.

Aimee: If you see Lynette, tell her I’m in Aruba. The sign won’t stop her.

Denise: I’ll try to think of somewhere a bit more believable.

Aimee: Works for me.

Two hours later, Aimee heads to the House floor for debate. She runs into Alicia.

Alicia: You’re running late, too? Fall asleep in your office?

Aimee: Ironically, yes, I did.

Alicia: Really? At nine o’clock?

Aimee: I got a new neighbor. He sucks. He snores.

Alicia: What will you be doing about it?

Aimee: I’m going to move into my aunt’s new place once it’s ready, she already agreed. I’m also going to support your bill. No one should ever have to go through that again.

Alicia: Wow, that was a fast change of heart!

Aimee: I’m a remarkably selfish person. Now, come on. Let’s get to that vote!

Aimee and Alicia rush into the House chamber while Margo Schaffer is speaking.

Margo: It’s clear what you must do. Banning the practice of office sleeping is too important to ignore. It makes us safer, it makes our staff safer, and it stops us from living off the American people rent-free. For this terrible practice, well, this is the end, my friends. We will end it, because it is wrong. Madam speaker, I yield my time.

Nanette: Thank you, Congresswoman Schaffer. I appreciated that you started off with slam poetry and then brought it home by quoting The Doors.

Aimee: I can’t believe I missed the slam poetry!

Nanette: Who wants to go next? Congresswoman Ferrera Donahue? Again?

Aimee: Yes, again!

Nanette: Fine by me.

Aimee: Ladies and gentlemen, beloved colleagues, I rise today in support of H.R. 19.

Alec: Huh?

Lynette: Is she… okay?

Aimee: Yesterday I gave a passionate plea to continue this practice. After all, I’ve done it for over ten years in Congress. However, after careful thought, I realize how wrong I was. This practice is absolutely outdated and unnecessary. The housing stipend provided by this bill is enough to afford an apartment. For my conservative anti-spending friends, remember I am one of you. Those who don’t need to use the stipend won’t be allowed to! It will only be allowed to be used on housing. It will serve a purpose. Please, consider a vote for H.R. 19 to make the House a safe workplace for everyone. I yield the floor.

Carolyn: You really went in! What changed?

Aimee: Hillyard snores and I’m moving in with Victoria. If I can’t sleep in my office, this isn’t a fight I’m interested in. Spanheim’s right that it’ll make our workers safer.

Carolyn: You could’ve just bought yourself a pair of earplugs.

Aimee: Damn it.

What did you think of this episode of Evergreen Aimee? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below, and make sure to return for a new episode next week!

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