Gretchen walks into the office.
Gretchen: What is going on with this place today? First there’s ton of traffic around town and now the whole capitol is buzzing. There’s so much energy out there, even the Republicans look excited to be here.
Carol: The President is in town.
Gretchen: Sheryl Howard is stopping in? That’s lovely!
Carol: Not Sheryl Howard. No one would be excited for Sheryl Howard. It’s the current President. Not the washed-up one that left in January.
Gretchen: Carol, I served with Sheryl Howard. I know Sheryl Howard. Sheryl Howard is a friend of mine. Carol, Brian Delphy is no Sheryl Howard.
Susana: Yeah, his approval ratings are much higher.
Gretchen: Why are you being mean to my friend?
Carol: We’re just joking around. Plus, you hated Sheryl Howard.
Gretchen: No. I had problems with her. I hate Brian Delphy, with the fiery passion of a thousand suns.
Susana: We all do. He’s a bigot.
Carol: That’s quite a nice way to describe him.
Gretchen: He’s a monster. I have no interest in discussing him.
Hank: Who? President Delphy?
Gretchen: Like today couldn’t get any worse…
Hank: You always find something to complain and whine about. I almost find that admirable. You work very hard at it.
Gretchen: What, precisely, are you doing here?
Hank: I wanted to tell you that, because you are so rude, Samantha and I are going to see the President to welcome him to the state.
Gretchen: I get that you take great pleasure in knowing that his victory denied me the opportunity to be Vice President, but why would you welcome that man to this state? We don’t want him here!
Hank: He is the President. It’s common courtesy, something you don’t seem to value. That’s why nobody likes you.
Gretchen: By the way, where’s your little sidekick? She busy today?
Hank: Do you mean Jeanne?
Gretchen: Of course I mean Jeanne. It’s a bit worrying to not see her with you. Did you finally snap?
Hank: She’s working. Something you obviously don’t know how to do.
Gretchen: Yeah yea yeah, I do nothing and you’re the overachiever of the year. Got it.
Hank: That’s not terribly far off.
Gretchen: I was one Michigan away from being a heartbeat away from the presidency. Can you say that?
Hank: We get it, Gretchen. You were almost Vice President. It’s hard to know that since you never mention it aside from every time you see me, as that’s your only accomplishment.
Gretchen: Why are you still here? Don’t you have a Tea Party to go to?
Hank: Tea Party? What year do you think it is?
Gretchen: What I’m saying is that you’re a Republican. Go be a Republican anywhere but my office.
Hank: You always seem to forget that your entire agenda passes through me.
Gretchen: I’ll just lie about my agenda. It worked with legalizing pot.
Hank: You do something one time and you think you’re a genius. This is w-
Gretchen: This is why people don’t like me. You have one line.
Carol: Oh my god, can you two shut up? I can’t even work because you two are bickering. Hank, just leave. Gretchen, ignore him. All he wants is to rattle your cage.
Hank: That’s not t-
Carol: Go!
Hank: Fine, I’m going.
Gretchen: Enjoy your rally tonight!
Hank: I’m not going to the rally!
Carol: Go!
Hank: I don’t want to!
Carol: You have to!
Hank: Why would I have to go to the rally?
Susana: She means leave the office!
Hank: Gladly!
That night, at Gretchen’s…
Christina: Mom, why are you late?
Gretchen: Traffic’s a bitch tonight. Thank the -
Lucinda: That ass Brian Delphy.
Gretchen: Yeah, him.
Anthony: Why is he even here? Is it to rub it in your face?
Toby: Run what in?
Christina: Toby, let the adults speak.
Toby: You always say that!
Christina: That’s because you’re always jumping into conversations you’re too young to understand.
Toby: Not true. I understand just fine.
Anthony: Kids, stop fighting. Your mother’s had a long day. Let her rest.
Gretchen: No, I rested just fine in the car. The road was a parking lot for a solid half hour.
Lucinda: You didn’t sleep in your car, did you?
Gretchen: Mom, I’m not that crazy.
Lucinda: You never know with you.
Gretchen: You promised to stop that…
Lucinda: I promised to stop mocking you, not to stop joking about you. This is different.
Gretchen: Suuuuure.
Christina: Why is the President in town, mom? It makes me uncomfortable, knowing his cultists are all here to see him.
Gretchen: Well, technically they’re in Cranston, if that makes you feel any better.
Christina: Cranston is ten minutes down the road.
Gretchen: In my defense, I did say “if that makes you feel better.”
Anthony: He’s here because he’s a troll. He wants to torment your mother.
Toby: So he’s like grandma?
Anthony: Toby! Only I can say things like that about your grandmother!
Lucinda: That’s not true. Gretchen says things far worse than that all the time.
Anthony: She’s also allowed.
Toby: Why is mom allowed?
Gretchen: Because I’ve had to put up with her for a long time. I’ve earned it. You’re young, you haven’t yet.
Christina: Wow, you're gonna make him cry. Please keep going!
Anthony: Why are you so mean to your brother?
Christina: He’s my little brother! It’s what we do.
Gretchen: I was never like that to my siblings.
Lucinda: Are you serious?
Gretchen: I like to think of myself as a pretty serious person.
Lucinda: You taunted both of your siblings. You were a bully! I got called to your school once a month because of it.
Christina: Looks like I learned it from mom!
Gretchen: You were all supposed to let me relax and unwind after my long and painful day!
Lucinda: You said you got enough rest on the drive home
Gretchen: You aren’t helpful, mother.
Lucinda: I’m trying to keep you honest.
Gretchen: I’m perfectly honest on my own
Anthony: Can we talk about something that causes less confrontation? The president’s in town, let’s talk about that!
Christina: Actually he’s in Cranston…
Lucinda: Why would anyone ever want to go to Cranston?
Anthony: I’m from Cranston!
Lucinda: My point exactly.
Anthony: We currently live ten minutes from Cranston!
Lucinda: Not by choice!
Gretchen: I’m gonna go change. Maybe when I get back, we can eat?
Lucinda: Yeah, don’t count on it.
Anthony: The food’s been ready for an hour, eating when you get back would require Lucinda to actually heat it back up and that’s not going to happen.
Lucinda: I don’t believe in microwaving fresh food!
Gretchen: Use the oven then. God, am I the only sane one in this place?
Christina: I’m here too!
Gretchen: That answers that question.
The next day, at the office…
Susana: Gretchen…
Gretchen: You look tired. Or did you see a ghost? Or were you crying? I don’t know why, you just look rough.
Susana: The President…
Gretchen: God, is he still here?
Susana: No, he left this morning. But you were a hot topic at his rally last night.
Gretchen: I don’t know or care what he said about me.
Susana: He called the people of Rhode Island to recall you.
Gretchen: Not this again…
Susana: He also called you “that lady from Rhode Island.”
Gretchen: Huh? He was in Rhode Island when he said it. That doesn’t make any sense.
Carol: He’s a dumb man.
Susana: Calling him a “man” is a stretch.
Gretchen: I still can’t believe Dede agreed to be his Vice President. We were friends, you know.
Carol: Long ago. You haven’t spoken in years.
Susana: Aside from when they yelled at each other at the debate, that is.
Carol: That was fun. It was like watching a televised divorce proceeding.
Gretchen: Can we avoid talking about that campaign and focus on the disaster in Cranston last night?
Carol: Oh, that’s right. Delphy also called you a -
Samantha: Stone-cold bitch!
Gretchen: That’s my line!
Samantha: POTUS stole it!
Gretchen: Samantha, why are you here and why do you look like you’re wastin’ away again in Margaritaville?
Carol: The sunburnt face and futuristic sunglasses would look pretty unprofessional but the lavender bucket hat really ties the whole ensemble together. It works!
Susana: I smell a strong scent of Ocean Potion burn relief. Like, an alarming degree of it.
Samantha: I got a sunburn at the president’s speech yesterday. It was outside and I wasn’t expecting it to be so I didn’t wear sunscreen and now I’m red as a tomato.
Gretchen: I love that.
Carol: Why are you dressed up like Inspector Clouseau, though?
Samantha: I don’t want anyone to see me like this, I look so unprofessional.
Gretchen: Because the hat and sunglasses indoors makes you look very professional.
Carol: Let’s back this up a minute. Why were you at the rally? Hank said you were just welcoming Delphy to town.
Samantha: Hank’s a liar. You know that!
Gretchen: Why did you go to the rally? Are you finally done pretending to be a Democrat?
Carol: It would make so much sense.
Samantha: You can go to an event held by someone of another party.
Gretchen: It was a campaign rally.
Samantha: It was not! It’s July 2021. The election isn’t until…
Susana: November 2024.
Samantha: I knew that!
Gretchen: He spent the night criticizing me and telling the people of Rhode Island to recall me. I thought we were done with that but I guess not.
Samantha: Once again, I don’t want you recalled. I was only there to see what the President said. It’s not every day that he’s in town.
Susana: Speaking of him being in town -
Gretchen: Could this wait until we get our pest problem under control?
Samantha: You have a pest problem? And you’re admitting it?
Gretchen: Yes, it’s an invasive species, the scientific name is the Samanthicus Pratticus.
Samantha: Very funny. I should get to work, though. Unlike you, I have a lot on my plate for the day.
Gretchen: You’re the lieutenant governor. What do you even do?
Samantha: I’m not going over this again. You have a nice day, Gretchen.
Gretchen: Yeah, you too.
Susana: Now that that’s done with -
Gretchen: Thank god.
Susana: Lamont Rose from the Providence Eyewitness News wants to speak to you about the rally today at four o’clock.
Gretchen: The media’s always been so great to me, I’m sure this will go great.
Susan: So it’s a yes.
Gretchen: I was being sarcastic but it is a yes.
Carol: Yeah, you’re gonna get recalled.
On the Providence Eyewitness News with Lamont Rose…
Lamont: President Brian Delphy made his first presidential visit to Rhode Island yesterday, speaking at a rally in Cranston. Taking the spotlight at that rally? His feud with Governor Gretchen Raymond, who he called out numerous times in the span of the ninety minute event. We’re here now with Governor Raymond.
Gretchen: It’s wonderful to be here, Lamont. I’m excited to talk about what I’m doing to help Rhode Islanders.
Lamont: So, Governor Raymond. The President called for you to be recalled and called you numerous expletives What do you have to say to that?
Gretchen: Well, firstly, I’d really rather talk about things actually relevant to Rhode Island. How about the calamari comeback, or job creation, or Bake Your Heart Out? You know, things that boost our economy, give people jobs, and in turn benefit everyday Rhode Islanders. What doesn’t benefit Rhode Islanders is commenting on the petty feuds of a sad, petty man who is the sorest winner I’ve ever seen.
Lamont: So you have no comment on the rally?
Gretchen: I have one comment. The President is a complete moron to even waste his time holding a political campaign rally in May 2021 in Rhode Island. This state is one of the most solidly Democratic states in the nation. I don’t mind Republicans wasting their resources because it just makes them look as incompetent as I know them to be, but get real here Mr. President. I shouldn’t even call him that, he disrespects the title every day and he doesn’t deserve it.
Lamont: So, jobs? How’s that going?
Gretchen: I wanna talk about the rally now!
Lamont: You sure you don’t want to talk about jobs?
Gretchen: Unemployment hit another new low and the economy’s in the best shape in decades. Now, on to Delphy’s rally!
That night, at Gretchen’s…
Anthony: That was an interesting interview, Gretchen.
Christina: You really laid into Delphy. I’m so proud of you!
Gretchen: I’m so glad you liked it! I felt so free.
Lucinda: I made a promise a few weeks ago to not say what I want to say. Just imagine what I’m feeling.
Christina: You’re always a buzzkill.
Anthony: I agree with your grandmother.
Gretchen: You don’t even know what she’s thinking.
Anthony: I can imagine.
Gretchen: Christina, you’re the only one not driving me crazy. That’s a switch.
Toby: What did I do?
Gretchen: Nothing, honey. You’re perfect!
The next day, at the office…
Susana: Gretchen…
Gretchen: Oh, why do you look like that again?
Carol: What did you do?
Gretchen: I did nothing!
Carol: You are the top story on Wolf News, you trended on Twitter, the right wingers want you to resign. They say you disrespected the office of the president by calling him a “moron.”
Susana: Well, that was one among many other ill-advised choices.
Gretchen: Since when do we care about the right-wingers?
Susana: Since they have a recall petition against you once again.
Gretchen: That’s going nowhere.
Carol: Gretchen, you’re spiraling. You’re not in a good place. You should apologize.
Gretchen: Since when do you two side with the Republicans? Delphy fired first. This was all to get back at me.
Carol: Gretchen, I get why you went off on him but you made this a lot worse.
Gretchen: I’m not apologizing for doing nothing at all wrong.
Carol: That’s your prerogative.
Susana: I got you on with Lamont again. You can’t cancel so please try to be respectful when you go on. It’s at noon. You didn’t have anything else going today anyway.
Gretchen: Why did you do that?
Susana: #RaymondMeltdown is still trending #1 on Twitter. That’s why.
Gretchen: I’ll figure something out.
Carol: Don’t lose your mind again. We’re going through enough crap right now.
Gretchen: I think I see Samantha. Close the curtains. Turn off the lights. Bolt the doors.
That afternoon, on the Providence Eyewitness News with Lamont Rose…
Lamont: Governor Gretchen Raymond is back with us today after setting the internet ablaze for comments made on this very show just yesterday. Welcome back, Governor Raymond.
Gretchen: Thank you for having me back, Lamont.
Lamont: Many believe that your comments last night disparaged the office of the presidency. What do you have to say to them?
Gretchen: Look, I meant every word I said. In no way did I want to demean the office, only the dangerous man that holds the office. He governs in such a vindictive way, where everything he does is to get back at his political opponents. That’s not a man whose political power should go unchecked. I’m being attacked for standing up to his abuse of power.
Lamont: So you have no regrets for what you said? Not even for calling him a moron?
Gretchen: Why would I? He is a moron.
Lamont: Okay. Clearly you have no interest in patching up your relationship with the President.
Gretchen: Absolutely not.
Lamont: Thank you for joining us.
Gretchen: That’s the whole interview?
Lamont: We have to go to commercial.
Gretchen: Oh, okay. Thanks for inviting me back down!
Gretchen steps off the set and gets a phone call.
Carol: That solves nothing!
Gretchen: I spoke my truth! I’m proud of myself.
Carol: Sometimes I swear your goal in life is to make my life more difficult.
Gretchen: The world doesn’t revolve around you, Carol. Gretchen walks into the office.
Gretchen: What is going on with this place today? First there’s ton of traffic around town and now the whole capitol is buzzing. There’s so much energy out there, even the Republicans look excited to be here.
Carol: The President is in town.
Gretchen: Sheryl Howard is stopping in? That’s lovely!
Carol: Not Sheryl Howard. No one would be excited for Sheryl Howard. It’s the current President. Not the washed-up one that left in January.
Gretchen: Carol, I served with Sheryl Howard. I know Sheryl Howard. Sheryl Howard is a friend of mine. Carol, Brian Delphy is no Sheryl Howard.
Susana: Yeah, his approval ratings are much higher.
Gretchen: Why are you being mean to my friend?
Carol: We’re just joking around. Plus, you hated Sheryl Howard.
Gretchen: No. I had problems with her. I hate Brian Delphy, with the fiery passion of a thousand suns.
Susana: We all do. He’s a bigot.
Carol: That’s quite a nice way to describe him.
Gretchen: He’s a monster. I have no interest in discussing him.
Hank: Who? President Delphy?
Gretchen: Like today couldn’t get any worse…
Hank: You always find something to complain and whine about. I almost find that admirable. You work very hard at it.
Gretchen: What, precisely, are you doing here?
Hank: I wanted to tell you that, because you are so rude, Samantha and I are going to see the President to welcome him to the state.
Gretchen: I get that you take great pleasure in knowing that his victory denied me the opportunity to be Vice President, but why would you welcome that man to this state? We don’t want him here!
Hank: He is the President. It’s common courtesy, something you don’t seem to value. That’s why nobody likes you.
Gretchen: By the way, where’s your little sidekick? She busy today?
Hank: Do you mean Jeanne?
Gretchen: Of course I mean Jeanne. It’s a bit worrying to not see her with you. Did you finally snap?
Hank: She’s working. Something you obviously don’t know how to do.
Gretchen: Yeah yea yeah, I do nothing and you’re the overachiever of the year. Got it.
Hank: That’s not terribly far off.
Gretchen: I was one Michigan away from being a heartbeat away from the presidency. Can you say that?
Hank: We get it, Gretchen. You were almost Vice President. It’s hard to know that since you never mention it aside from every time you see me, as that’s your only accomplishment.
Gretchen: Why are you still here? Don’t you have a Tea Party to go to?
Hank: Tea Party? What year do you think it is?
Gretchen: What I’m saying is that you’re a Republican. Go be a Republican anywhere but my office.
Hank: You always seem to forget that your entire agenda passes through me.
Gretchen: I’ll just lie about my agenda. It worked with legalizing pot.
Hank: You do something one time and you think you’re a genius. This is w-
Gretchen: This is why people don’t like me. You have one line.
Carol: Oh my god, can you two shut up? I can’t even work because you two are bickering. Hank, just leave. Gretchen, ignore him. All he wants is to rattle your cage.
Hank: That’s not t-
Carol: Go!
Hank: Fine, I’m going.
Gretchen: Enjoy your rally tonight!
Hank: I’m not going to the rally!
Carol: Go!
Hank: I don’t want to!
Carol: You have to!
Hank: Why would I have to go to the rally?
Susana: She means leave the office!
Hank: Gladly!
That night, at Gretchen’s…
Christina: Mom, why are you late?
Gretchen: Traffic’s a bitch tonight. Thank the -
Lucinda: That ass Brian Delphy.
Gretchen: Yeah, him.
Anthony: Why is he even here? Is it to rub it in your face?
Toby: Run what in?
Christina: Toby, let the adults speak.
Toby: You always say that!
Christina: That’s because you’re always jumping into conversations you’re too young to understand.
Toby: Not true. I understand just fine.
Anthony: Kids, stop fighting. Your mother’s had a long day. Let her rest.
Gretchen: No, I rested just fine in the car. The road was a parking lot for a solid half hour.
Lucinda: You didn’t sleep in your car, did you?
Gretchen: Mom, I’m not that crazy.
Lucinda: You never know with you.
Gretchen: You promised to stop that…
Lucinda: I promised to stop mocking you, not to stop joking about you. This is different.
Gretchen: Suuuuure.
Christina: Why is the President in town, mom? It makes me uncomfortable, knowing his cultists are all here to see him.
Gretchen: Well, technically they’re in Cranston, if that makes you feel any better.
Christina: Cranston is ten minutes down the road.
Gretchen: In my defense, I did say “if that makes you feel better.”
Anthony: He’s here because he’s a troll. He wants to torment your mother.
Toby: So he’s like grandma?
Anthony: Toby! Only I can say things like that about your grandmother!
Lucinda: That’s not true. Gretchen says things far worse than that all the time.
Anthony: She’s also allowed.
Toby: Why is mom allowed?
Gretchen: Because I’ve had to put up with her for a long time. I’ve earned it. You’re young, you haven’t yet.
Christina: Wow, you're gonna make him cry. Please keep going!
Anthony: Why are you so mean to your brother?
Christina: He’s my little brother! It’s what we do.
Gretchen: I was never like that to my siblings.
Lucinda: Are you serious?
Gretchen: I like to think of myself as a pretty serious person.
Lucinda: You taunted both of your siblings. You were a bully! I got called to your school once a month because of it.
Christina: Looks like I learned it from mom!
Gretchen: You were all supposed to let me relax and unwind after my long and painful day!
Lucinda: You said you got enough rest on the drive home
Gretchen: You aren’t helpful, mother.
Lucinda: I’m trying to keep you honest.
Gretchen: I’m perfectly honest on my own
Anthony: Can we talk about something that causes less confrontation? The president’s in town, let’s talk about that!
Christina: Actually he’s in Cranston…
Lucinda: Why would anyone ever want to go to Cranston?
Anthony: I’m from Cranston!
Lucinda: My point exactly.
Anthony: We currently live ten minutes from Cranston!
Lucinda: Not by choice!
Gretchen: I’m gonna go change. Maybe when I get back, we can eat?
Lucinda: Yeah, don’t count on it.
Anthony: The food’s been ready for an hour, eating when you get back would require Lucinda to actually heat it back up and that’s not going to happen.
Lucinda: I don’t believe in microwaving fresh food!
Gretchen: Use the oven then. God, am I the only sane one in this place?
Christina: I’m here too!
Gretchen: That answers that question.
The next day, at the office…
Susana: Gretchen…
Gretchen: You look tired. Or did you see a ghost? Or were you crying? I don’t know why, you just look rough.
Susana: The President…
Gretchen: God, is he still here?
Susana: No, he left this morning. But you were a hot topic at his rally last night.
Gretchen: I don’t know or care what he said about me.
Susana: He called the people of Rhode Island to recall you.
Gretchen: Not this again…
Susana: He also called you “that lady from Rhode Island.”
Gretchen: Huh? He was in Rhode Island when he said it. That doesn’t make any sense.
Carol: He’s a dumb man.
Susana: Calling him a “man” is a stretch.
Gretchen: I still can’t believe Dede agreed to be his Vice President. We were friends, you know.
Carol: Long ago. You haven’t spoken in years.
Susana: Aside from when they yelled at each other at the debate, that is.
Carol: That was fun. It was like watching a televised divorce proceeding.
Gretchen: Can we avoid talking about that campaign and focus on the disaster in Cranston last night?
Carol: Oh, that’s right. Delphy also called you a -
Samantha: Stone-cold bitch!
Gretchen: That’s my line!
Samantha: POTUS stole it!
Gretchen: Samantha, why are you here and why do you look like you’re wastin’ away again in Margaritaville?
Carol: The sunburnt face and futuristic sunglasses would look pretty unprofessional but the lavender bucket hat really ties the whole ensemble together. It works!
Susana: I smell a strong scent of Ocean Potion burn relief. Like, an alarming degree of it.
Samantha: I got a sunburn at the president’s speech yesterday. It was outside and I wasn’t expecting it to be so I didn’t wear sunscreen and now I’m red as a tomato.
Gretchen: I love that.
Carol: Why are you dressed up like Inspector Clouseau, though?
Samantha: I don’t want anyone to see me like this, I look so unprofessional.
Gretchen: Because the hat and sunglasses indoors makes you look very professional.
Carol: Let’s back this up a minute. Why were you at the rally? Hank said you were just welcoming Delphy to town.
Samantha: Hank’s a liar. You know that!
Gretchen: Why did you go to the rally? Are you finally done pretending to be a Democrat?
Carol: It would make so much sense.
Samantha: You can go to an event held by someone of another party.
Gretchen: It was a campaign rally.
Samantha: It was not! It’s July 2021. The election isn’t until…
Susana: November 2024.
Samantha: I knew that!
Gretchen: He spent the night criticizing me and telling the people of Rhode Island to recall me. I thought we were done with that but I guess not.
Samantha: Once again, I don’t want you recalled. I was only there to see what the President said. It’s not every day that he’s in town.
Susana: Speaking of him being in town -
Gretchen: Could this wait until we get our pest problem under control?
Samantha: You have a pest problem? And you’re admitting it?
Gretchen: Yes, it’s an invasive species, the scientific name is the Samanthicus Pratticus.
Samantha: Very funny. I should get to work, though. Unlike you, I have a lot on my plate for the day.
Gretchen: You’re the lieutenant governor. What do you even do?
Samantha: I’m not going over this again. You have a nice day, Gretchen.
Gretchen: Yeah, you too.
Susana: Now that that’s done with -
Gretchen: Thank god.
Susana: Lamont Rose from the Providence Eyewitness News wants to speak to you about the rally today at four o’clock.
Gretchen: The media’s always been so great to me, I’m sure this will go great.
Susan: So it’s a yes.
Gretchen: I was being sarcastic but it is a yes.
Carol: Yeah, you’re gonna get recalled.
On the Providence Eyewitness News with Lamont Rose…
Lamont: President Brian Delphy made his first presidential visit to Rhode Island yesterday, speaking at a rally in Cranston. Taking the spotlight at that rally? His feud with Governor Gretchen Raymond, who he called out numerous times in the span of the ninety minute event. We’re here now with Governor Raymond.
Gretchen: It’s wonderful to be here, Lamont. I’m excited to talk about what I’m doing to help Rhode Islanders.
Lamont: So, Governor Raymond. The President called for you to be recalled and called you numerous expletives What do you have to say to that?
Gretchen: Well, firstly, I’d really rather talk about things actually relevant to Rhode Island. How about the calamari comeback, or job creation, or Bake Your Heart Out? You know, things that boost our economy, give people jobs, and in turn benefit everyday Rhode Islanders. What doesn’t benefit Rhode Islanders is commenting on the petty feuds of a sad, petty man who is the sorest winner I’ve ever seen.
Lamont: So you have no comment on the rally?
Gretchen: I have one comment. The President is a complete moron to even waste his time holding a political campaign rally in May 2021 in Rhode Island. This state is one of the most solidly Democratic states in the nation. I don’t mind Republicans wasting their resources because it just makes them look as incompetent as I know them to be, but get real here Mr. President. I shouldn’t even call him that, he disrespects the title every day and he doesn’t deserve it.
Lamont: So, jobs? How’s that going?
Gretchen: I wanna talk about the rally now!
Lamont: You sure you don’t want to talk about jobs?
Gretchen: Unemployment hit another new low and the economy’s in the best shape in decades. Now, on to Delphy’s rally!
That night, at Gretchen’s…
Anthony: That was an interesting interview, Gretchen.
Christina: You really laid into Delphy. I’m so proud of you!
Gretchen: I’m so glad you liked it! I felt so free.
Lucinda: I made a promise a few weeks ago to not say what I want to say. Just imagine what I’m feeling.
Christina: You’re always a buzzkill.
Anthony: I agree with your grandmother.
Gretchen: You don’t even know what she’s thinking.
Anthony: I can imagine.
Gretchen: Christina, you’re the only one not driving me crazy. That’s a switch.
Toby: What did I do?
Gretchen: Nothing, honey. You’re perfect!
The next day, at the office…
Susana: Gretchen…
Gretchen: Oh, why do you look like that again?
Carol: What did you do?
Gretchen: I did nothing!
Carol: You are the top story on Wolf News, you trended on Twitter, the right wingers want you to resign. They say you disrespected the office of the president by calling him a “moron.”
Susana: Well, that was one among many other ill-advised choices.
Gretchen: Since when do we care about the right-wingers?
Susana: Since they have a recall petition against you once again.
Gretchen: That’s going nowhere.
Carol: Gretchen, you’re spiraling. You’re not in a good place. You should apologize.
Gretchen: Since when do you two side with the Republicans? Delphy fired first. This was all to get back at me.
Carol: Gretchen, I get why you went off on him but you made this a lot worse.
Gretchen: I’m not apologizing for doing nothing at all wrong.
Carol: That’s your prerogative.
Susana: I got you on with Lamont again. You can’t cancel so please try to be respectful when you go on. It’s at noon. You didn’t have anything else going today anyway.
Gretchen: Why did you do that?
Susana: #RaymondMeltdown is still trending #1 on Twitter. That’s why.
Gretchen: I’ll figure something out.
Carol: Don’t lose your mind again. We’re going through enough crap right now.
Gretchen: I think I see Samantha. Close the curtains. Turn off the lights. Bolt the doors.
That afternoon, on the Providence Eyewitness News with Lamont Rose…
Lamont: Governor Gretchen Raymond is back with us today after setting the internet ablaze for comments made on this very show just yesterday. Welcome back, Governor Raymond.
Gretchen: Thank you for having me back, Lamont.
Lamont: Many believe that your comments last night disparaged the office of the presidency. What do you have to say to them?
Gretchen: Look, I meant every word I said. In no way did I want to demean the office, only the dangerous man that holds the office. He governs in such a vindictive way, where everything he does is to get back at his political opponents. That’s not a man whose political power should go unchecked. I’m being attacked for standing up to his abuse of power.
Lamont: So you have no regrets for what you said? Not even for calling him a moron?
Gretchen: Why would I? He is a moron.
Lamont: Okay. Clearly you have no interest in patching up your relationship with the President.
Gretchen: Absolutely not.
Lamont: Thank you for joining us.
Gretchen: That’s the whole interview?
Lamont: We have to go to commercial.
Gretchen: Oh, okay. Thanks for inviting me back down!
Gretchen steps off the set and gets a phone call.
Carol: That solves nothing!
Gretchen: I spoke my truth! I’m proud of myself.
Carol: Sometimes I swear your goal in life is to make my life more difficult.
Gretchen: The world doesn’t revolve around you, Carol.
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to read the new episode next week!
