Gretchen is at the grand re-opening of the Newport Opera House with her family.
Anthony: You know, Gretchen, I think it’s so important how dedicated you are to the arts.
Gretchen: I learned it from the best.
Lucinda: Thank you, it’s always an honor to be recognized for my greatness.
Eddie: I think she meant dad. You never took us to the theater.
Lucinda: I went with you kids every time.
Mary: You begged him to stop buying tickets. He never did because he enjoyed it and so did us kids.
Lucinda: I grew to appreciate it as I got older.
Mary: Maybe once we left home.
Gretchen: It was never the opera that mom didn’t like. It was having to sit so close to you two!
Eddie: You weren’t a treat, either.
Lucinda: It wasn’t that. Well, not really. When you kids were young, I had to focus on making sure you were all secure and not running out of your seats. I couldn’t focus of the music. Once I got older and didn’t have to worry about that, I could listen and enjoy it more.
Gretchen: Ha! I was right!
Mary: You were part of the reason why she didn’t like it.
Gretchen: Doesn’t matter, so were you!
Christina: How do you guys manage to get into an argument over something dumb like this?
Eddie: They’re gifted.
Anthony: They sure are! Now, maybe we should get inside. Gretchen has a photo op with the manage.
Gretchen: That’s right! I almost forgot because we were having too much fun here in the parking lot!
Christina: It’s so nice to have the opera house open again! I cried when the fire took it down.
Lucinda: Since when do you listen to opera?
Mary: As long as you.
Lucinda: Very funny!
Gretchen: I thought so.
Christina: I’ve always loved the arts, grandma. It was so sad when such a fine institution with such history was -
Lucinda: That’s okay, I don’t need to know that bad.
Christina: Mom, she’s still mean.
Gretchen: Not to me, and that’s what matters. Now, let’s get in there and do this photo op so we can get to our seats!
Four hours later…
Christina: Is mom… okay?
Toby: Her face is leaking.
Anthony: I know you aren’t used to seeing her cry, but that does appear to be what’s happening.
Gretchen: It was so beautiful. Their voices were glorious, the story so moving. Porgy and Bess always makes me weep.
Mary: You’re the only one crying. In the entire theater.
Gretchen: Everyone here is heartless, then.
Mary: We already knew mom was.
Lucinda: Sticks and stones, Mary Anne!
Eddie: She used the full name, she’s furious!
Mary: That’s nothing new.
Anthony: You two need to stop. You can leave, I need to take her home with me and you’ve got her filled with rage.
Lucinda: I’m used to my children teasing me, I can take it. I’m an adult. I’m rational.
Anthony: You tell yourself that.
Gretchen: How are you guys focusing on anything other than the beautiful art we just witnessed?
Anthony: That opera really had an affect on you.
Gretchen: How could it not?
Eddie: Pretty easily.
Toby: Mom, can we go home?
Gretchen: No one else seems to be interested in sitting here and thinking about what they’ve watched, so I guess it’s time to go home.
Mary: Will you be able to drive like this?
Anthony: I intend to live beyond today, so I’ll be driving. Not only because she’s been crying, she also can’t see in the dark.
Gretchen: I’m as blind as a bat!
Anthony: We really need to get that fixed.
Eddie: Well, you guys have a good night. Let’s do this again sometime, it was oddly fun.
Mary: Speak for yourself.
Eddie: I didn’t claim to be speaking for you.
Mary: I’m only pulling your leg. A night away from the kids is always appreciated. I’d rather go to the movies, though.
Lucinda: Look at Gretchen. Imagine how much she’d cry after a movie. Any movie.
Christina: She cried after Bridesmaids.
Gretchen: Because I love Wilson Phillips!
Anthony: Hold On was our wedding song!
Eddie: Speaking of crying, Hannah is watching Mary’s horrible children and we need to get to Mary’s and relieve her of that horrible job.
Mary: You can’t make me go back there.
Lucinda: Good night, you two. I love you!
Eddie: Did our mother just say those words?
Mary: And she’s not on fire?
Lucinda: I take it back. I love you, though, Gretchen.
Gretchen: Thank you, mom! I l- lo- l- love you, too.
Anthony: Took her a while but she got there!
The next day, at the office…
Samantha: Try not to cry at the sight of me, governor.
Gretchen: I don’t know what this is about and I’m okay with keeping it that way. The less I know about you, the better.
Samantha: I was listening to the Walker Daniels show today.
Gretchen: I don’t remember asking.
Samantha: He was talking about -
Gretchen: Susana! How’d you let her in here?
Samantha: They’re at lunch, which is where I just got back from. Your staff’s quite slow. Not a shock.
Gretchen: Why are you telling me about listening to Walker? Why would you ever admit that?
Samantha: He was talking about you.
Gretchen: I’m sure it was enlightening. Now, I have work to do. Can you go back to your flying monkeys?
Samantha: Jeanne’s out sick. Tonsillitis.
Gretchen: Wow, finally tonsils are useful for something.
Samantha: Anyway, Walker was talking about your night out last night.
Gretchen: You mean my support of the arts? You righties don’t like that, I know.
Samantha: I have am 89% lifetime score from the American Liberal Institute. Just because you’re a communist, that doesn’t mean I’m going to be the keynote speaker at CPAC.
Gretchen: Yeah, whatever.
Samantha: Walker was -
Gretchen: This again?
Samantha: Walker was talking about your meltdown.
Gretchen: There was no meltdown.
Samantha: I was intrigued, obviously, so I went to pick up a newspaper and he was so right. The pictures were incredible.
Gretchen: What pictures? Me cutting the ribbon at the opera house?
Samantha: There were pictures of you sobbing after the performance. You looked like a child.
Gretchen: People cry!
Samantha: Governors don’t cry.
Gretchen: I can’t believe this is something you actually came to me to talk about. I am so busy.
Samantha: Doing what?
Gretchen: Work stuff!
Samantha: How convenient.
Susana: Governor Raymond, have you heard the -
Gretchen: Yes, I have heard.
Susana: How could you possible know what I was going to ask you?
Gretchen: It came to see me about it.
Samantha: You’re so intimidated by me that you resort to name-calling. Adorable.
Carol: Oh, I just noted that Samantha is here! What a delightful surprise!
Susana: It’s not much of a surprise, she comes here to bother us every week.
Samantha: Hey, I am right here!
Hank: Could you try not being right there? We have a meeting!
Samantha: Oh, sorry, Hank!
Hank: I’m used to being forgotten, don’t worry.
Susana: Maybe you could try tending to your responsibilities instead of trying to get the governor’s goat.
Gretchen: It’s called gubernatorial harassment.
Samantha: I’ll let you get back to all this work you have to do. Try not to cry as I walk away.
Gretchen: Very funny.
Samantha and Hank leave.
Susana: So Samantha was teasing you about RuPaul’s Drag Race?
Gretchen: RuPaul’s Drag Race?
Carol: It’s a reality show, Gretchen, get with the times.
Gretchen: I know what it is! Why would Samantha tease me about it? I don’t think she knows what it is. She’s not cool like me.
Susana: So that’s NOT why she was here? Okay, never mind. Why was she here?
Gretchen: What’s up with RuPaul? I haven’t started this season yet, forgive me.
Susana: It’s really no bother.
Carol: So you know the Snatch Game? Where the queens dress up as celebrities and imitate them and play Match Game?
Gretchen: I watch the show, Carol.
Carol: Well, one of the queens played you!
Gretchen: How were they?
Carol: They used a New York accent, didn’t look like you at all and used the same joke over and over. They went home.
Gretchen: Oh, great. Something else people can make fun of me about.
Carol: This wasn’t your fault! Everything else is, but not this!
Susana: So, what was Samantha here about?
Gretchen: Apparently one of the right-winger radio hosts was talking about some pictures of me from last night where I was crying after a night at the opera. Samantha, of course, could not resist the urge to make fun of me for that.
Carol: For showing emotion? I know robots like the Sam 2000 can’t express emotion, but she really had the gall to attack you over that?
Gretchen: She says it makes me look weak.
Carol: Don’t worry about this. No one’s going to care.
Susana: Well…
Carol: “Well” what?
Susana: People are talking about it. Lots of right-wing publications picked up the story.
Carol: Desperation is a terrible thing.
Gretchen: Are we going to do anything about it?
Susana: I think this is pretty good for you, actually. It takes attention off your feud with the President.
Gretchen: Why is the media always making up fake scandals about me for them to be outraged about? I’m from Rhode Island, most people don’t even realize we exist!
Susana: They need someone to be angry with and someone for their audience to hate. You get to be that person.
Gretchen: Lucky me!
Carol: Can I say something?
Gretchen: We’re a team, you don’t need to ask to say something. That said, no.
Carol: Oh come on!
Gretchen: I’m kidding!
Carol: I think we should take this seriously. We can’t have people thinking you’re a weak ball of tears.
Gretchen: I’ve never cried in public before, not even when Tammy lost the election.
Carol: That doesn’t matter, that image is out there now.
Susana: People aren’t going to remember this at all.
Carol: Ask Pat Schroeder if people remember her crying back in 1987. People remember when female politicians cry. It’s proof to them that women are weak and can’t lead.
Susana: Who is Pat Schroeder?
Carol: Exactly!
Susana: That… whatever.
Gretchen: Pat Schroeder was a member of Congress who ran for President and cried when she dropped out. She did a lot of great work but that’s all people remember.
Carol: See, Susana. I’m not the only old one here.
Gretchen: What can we do to make people see I’m not a crybaby?
Susana: I think waiting for the talk to die down is our best option.
Carol: I have an idea.
Gretchen: Let’s hear it! And remember, since I have absolutely no ideas at all, I am truly open to anything. The bar is on the floor!
Carol: We’re getting a jobs report tomorrow. How about we have a press conference and you look strong and tough for the cameras.
Gretchen: I don’t hate it.
Carol: Yay! She doesn’t hate it!
Susana: I’ll inform the press.
That night, when Gretchen returns home…
Gretchen: I don’t want to hear it. I see your faces and I don’t want to hear it.
Lucinda: Oh, honey…
Gretchen: I said no!
Christina: I’m assuming you’ve been told about the pictures.
Gretchen: Does no one respect a kind, respectful request anymore?
Christina: You don’t want to talk about it at all?
Gretchen: It’s being solved tomorrow, there’s nothing to talk about.
Christina: Let’s give ‘em something to talk about!
Lucinda: Huh?
Gretchen: Calm down, Bonnie Raitt.
Anthony: How are you “solving” this? There isn’t any problem to solve. You’re human, humans cry.
Lucinda: Not me.
Anthony: I said humans.
Lucinda: Hilarious.
Gretchen: I’m not going to address the pictures in any way, I’m going to indirectly respond by delivering the monthly job report sternly and strongly.
Christina: You think that’ll work?
Gretchen: I don’t know what would get this off people’s minds but I can at least do something to show I’m not too emotional to lead.
Anthony: It’s not a bid thing to show emotion. Look at Whitney Houston, she was so emotional.
Gretchen: I’m not sure I would’ve voted for Whitney Houston to be my governor.
Lucinda: I would’ve.
Gretchen: You’d vote for anyone but me.
Lucinda: Not true! I didn’t vote for that guy that ran against you in 2018.
Gretchen: That’s my only opponent you didn’t vote for?
Lucinda: That’s not the point.
The next day, at the press conference.
Samantha: Hi, Gretchen! I think it’s so brave of you to show your face in public again so soon after we all learned you cry more than Lesley Gore on her birthday.
Gretchen: You never fail to remind people that you’re actually far older than you look. That’s admirable.
Samantha: Good luck up there today. I’m sure you’ll be able to contain yourself for ten minutes, only a drop or two will fall from your eyes.
Carol: Gretchen, it’s time.
Gretchen: Thank you, anything to get me away from her.
Hank: Actually, she’s joining us on the stage.
Gretchen: Us?
Hank: We need to present a unified front for Rhode Island.
Susana: That isn’t the saying.
Hank: Bug off, intern.
Carol: She is an assistant!
Hank: An assistant who’s only here because her mommy gets paid the big bucks.
Gretchen: You’re in a rough mood today. Your wife finally wake up and file for divorce?
Carol: Gretchen, don’t let him throw you off. Go give your report.
Gretchen: I’m going, and it’s gonna be great!
Susana: From your favorite intern, I say “good luck!”
Ten minutes later…
Carol: She’s doing great! She hasn’t once stumbled over her words. She always does.
Susana: What is she doing?
Carol: What?
Susana: She’s squinting.
Carol: She’s old. Old people can’t see as well as you younglings.
Susana: She’s picking up her hand and moving it towards her face. What is she wiping away/
Carol: Nothing! People raise their hands to their own face all the time!
Susana: She’s wiping a tear!
Carol: No she isn’t!
Susana: We should’ve just sent her into hiding for a few days. Walker will be all over this.
Carol: At least she’s giving the queens of RuPaul’s Drag Race some more material for next season!
Gretchen exits the stage and walks to Carol and Susana.
Carol: That was…
Gretchen: Samantha’s perfume was so strong, it made my eyes water!
Carol: And it still went great!
Gretchen: No it did not! It looked like I was crying again!
Susana: We can’t win ‘em all, governor. People will get over it.
Carol: Pat Schroeder…
Susana: It’s 2021, people’s attention spans are much shorter now than in the eighties.
Carol: That’s true.
Gretchen: Thanks, you guys really know how to make a girl feel better.
Susana; Don’t cry again!
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to read the season finale next week!
