Patty Lynn: Okay, guys! Are we ready? It’s a big night!
Marietta: We’re playing a few games, it’s not like anyone’s getting married.
Sarah: There’s still time!
Marietta: Everyone here is married already but me and… no.
Kathleen: I’m not married!
Sarah: Neither am I!
Marietta: Are either of you planning on kicking off a marriage tonight?
Sarah: No…
Kathleen: I’m open to any and all possibilities. I’ve already been married three times, what’s a fourth?
Patty Lynn: Can y’all get serious now? You know how important game night is to me.
Marietta: We have literally never done this before.
Patty Lynn: It’s a tradition I want to start!
Marietta: Look, mom. I know you’ve been emotional since they announced that NCIS: New Orleans was ending -
Patty Lynn: It’s only in its seventh season! The original NCIS has eighteen and counting. This is anti-NOLA discrimination and it won’t stand.
Kathleen: That Scott Bakula… I like him.
Sarah: I want to die.
Marietta: You know, I’ve met Scott Bakula a few times.
Kathleen: You’ve never mentioned this. Why have you never mentioned this? That’s the coolest thing about you!
Sarah: Nothing about meeting the old guy from one of the many indistinguishable CBS cop shows is cool.
Kathleen: Don’t talk about Scott like that!
Martin: If you think he’s old, what do you think your grandmother and I are?
Sarah: I don’t think you want me to say it.
Patty Lynn: Anyway, who is ready to get to the games?
Amy: I am! Two days in a row away from home, it’s glorious! I’ll do whatever you want as long as I don’t have to go home!
Tammy: Amy, are you… are you doing okay at home?
Amy: Everything’s fine. It’s nice to get out, that’s all. The kids are studying for exams, I don’t have the energy for that.
Mitch: Tammy drank a glass of chardonnay every night when the kids were in school. Didn’t give her any energy, but it sure calmed her. She never stopped doing it. It’s a bit of a problem.
Tammy: I don’t have a prinking droblem.
Patty Lynn: What do you kids want to play? I have Clue, Monopoly, Ticket to Ride and Yahtzee. Also a bunch of party games, but I’m sure you guys want the classics.
Marietta: What games do you have for nine players? Because there are nine of us here.
Patty Lynn: Yahtzee! That’s it. Some of my party games max out at eight, though.
Mitch: You don’t have to worry about me playing. Just being in the presence of you guys is gift enough for me.
Tammy: You’re playing, Mitch. Let Marietta sit out. She gets way too competitive.
Marietta: I do not!
Tammy: Sure.
Sarah: Wait. There’s only eight of us here. Auntie, you can’t count.
Marietta: That’s right! I forgot Danny was busy tonight and couldn’t make it. I just thought he was in some other room. Only the eight of us. Thank god we don’t have to play Yahtzee all night.
Amy: You forgot he wasn’t coming? That’s true love if I’ve ever seen it!
Tammy: I forget about Mitch all the time! His cranky ass deserves it, but I still love him.
Mitch: I love you too, sweetie.
Patty Lynn: Someone please pick a game!
Marietta: Cards Against Humanity.
Sarah: Yes, please!
Patty Lynn: I don’t know what that is but I don’t have it.
Amy: It’s a dirty game with a lot of references to sex and curse words and stuff. It’s a lot of fun!
Patty Lynn: It doesn’t sound like it.
Sarah: Oh, it is, grandma.
Martin: When did you play it?
Sarah: One of my friends snuck it in at the Monroe Academy. It’s filthy and I love it.
Martin: Marietta, I think you should talk to her about that.
Marietta: About enjoying fun games?
Martin: Never mind. I forgot who I was talking to.
Tammy loudly sips her mug of tea.
Patty Lynn: I’m going to ask it again. Can anyone pick out a game?
Amy: Cheers: The Board Game.
Patty Lynn: Sounds like a plan!
Marietta: Oh god, no. Think of poor Sarah! She probably doesn’t know what Cheers is!
Sarah: I love Cheers!
Marietta: Okay, that’s a blow. Anyone else want to complain? No. All right, you’ll regret it.
Kathleen: What’s so bad about this game?
Marietta: It takes so long for anyone to get the points to win and it’s impossible to win unless you have every episode memorized inside and out.
Patty Lynn: If people get sick of it, we’ll move on to a different game.
Marietta: Fine. You'll regret this, though.
Thirty minutes later…
Sarah: The answer is Lilith!
Amy: That’s correct! You won the game!
Sarah: That didn’t feel like forever./
Marietta: This was rigged.
Patty Lynn: Marietta, you’re clearly not having fun so far.
Marietta: I’ll be fine once we play a game I find fun.
Patty Lynn: Do you want to pick the next game?
Marietta: Do I? Of course I do! Let’s go with Say Anything.
Kathleen: Is that the movie with the boombox?
Marietta: It’s a game where you read a card and everyone else writes down an answer that fits you and you pick the one you like best.
Kathleen: Explain it again, slowly.
Ten minutes later…
Martin: I’ve been told to start, so I’m going to start.
Marietta: That’s how it usually works.
Martin: “Who is the most annoying celebrity in show business?”
Kathleen: Oh, easy. Tucker Carlson!
Marietta: You have to write it down!
Kathleen: Amy already did.
Marietta: Then you can’t say it. You have to pick another one.
Kathleen: Then I’ll go with Rosie O’Donnell.
Marietta: Now you’re just stealing Mitch’s answer.
Mitch: You was so mean to me when I met her.
Tammy: That’s great, honey.
Martin: Everyone in?
Kathleen: Not me.
Marietta: Write down anyone!
Kathleen: Okay. Ellen DeGeneres.
Marietta: Good one! You’d win if it was me picking.
Tammy: Who hates Ellen?
Marietta: Just… ask Twitter.
Martin: Okay, everyone’s in. We’ve got Rosie, Tucker, Ellen, Dolly Parton -
Amy: Who the hell hates Dolly Parton?
Patty Lynn: Me!
Amy: What?
Kathleen: Here we go…
Patty Lynn: Everyone’s always telling me that I look like her and that I could be her twin. I just don’t see it!
Sarah: Shouldn’t you be happy people think you look like the most beloved person on the planet?
Patty Lynn: Who said I look like Betty White?
Martin: I’ve made my pick already.
There is a knock on the door.
Marietta: Oh, god. It’s Ellen coming for us! She must have the house bugged!
The door opens.
Marietta: She’s coming in!
Milton: What are you guys doing here? I went to Marietta’s first and there was no trace of you. I was worried!
Patty Lynn: Milton, you’re home! Would you like a beverage?
Milton: Are you guys having a game night without me?
Kathleen: We’re caught!
Martin: We’re not caught. We have to be doing something wrong to be caught. This is a misunderstanding.
Milton: Anyone that can help me understand, I’d appreciate it!
Patty Lynn: I know you love a good board game, but we have way too many people here for Saturday dinner to play games. I decided that those of us here on Friday could come over and play games. It’s just a fun little thing to give us something to do every month or so.
Milton: How long have you been hiding this from me and betraying me?
Martin: This is our first game night.
Milton: That’s convenient.
Patty Lynn: It’s true! I thought Sarah would enjoy it.
Sarah: Yeah, definitely loving this!
Kathleen: You did seem to be having fun before… you know.
Milton: Oh, so I'm a downer now? Is that what you’re saying?
Marietta: Your words!
Milton: None of you have any remorse?
Patty Lynn: We didn’t even think you’d be here! I would’ve invited you if I knew!
Marietta: Why are you here, again? Don’t you have to work?
Milton: Kate and Ellie let us all go home early. They said we earned an early return home.
Tammy: Earned? You guys barely work. I know because it was my place of work for thirty years.
Mitch: Thirty peace-filled years.
Milton: I wanted to keep working, but they demanded we go home. I had to oblige.
Sarah: Wow, dad. You really didn’t want to come home to this?
Milton: Of course I did, I’m only joking. I got on the first flight back here. Which reminds me… what are we playing?
Marietta: Oh, so you’re out of your bitchy mood now?
Milton: What bitchy mood?
Marietta: You know.
Milton: I felt left out, sure. I’m better now. I see it was a simple misunderstanding.
Martin: At least you finally know it.
Milton: Are you in the middle of anything?
Patty Lynn: We just finished a game!
Marietta: What? No, we didn’t. We just started Say Anything!
Milton: The movie? I thought this was a game night.
Kathleen: That’s what I said!
Patty Lynn: We’re on the first round, we can quit and move to a new game.
Marietta: You’re just saying that because I won.
Martin: What? You didn’t win! Amy won!
Amy: I did? Thank you!
Patty Lynn: Look, the round is spoiled. We have no reason to not move on to another game now!
Amy: Spoiled? I want my point!
Marietta: It took me like an hour to explain this game to Aunt Kathleen. We’re not moving on that easily.
Kathleen: What can I say? I’m from a generation without such complex games.
Sarah: Grandma, I have a suggestion. Instead of you acting like a complete psycho over this, what if we just take a writing board from another game and write dad’s name on the bottom of the scoreboard. The game can be adapted for nine players.
Milton: That’s very intuitive!
Sarah: I don’t know if I’d say that. It’s pretty much just a common sense solution.
Marietta: Are you saying none of us have common sense?
Tammy: She isn’t wrong!
One hour later…
Patty Lynn: So that game is over! Who wants cheesecake?
Milton: Does the cheesecake only have eight slices?
Patty Lynn: It - Kathleen, explain.
Kathleen: Okay, so cheesecake is a cake-
Tammy: It’s not actually a cacke.
Kathleen: A cheesecake is a pie -
Tammy: Not really
Kathleen: A cheesecake is a food that is made of cream ch-
Milton: I know what a cheesecake is!
Kathleen: No one ever lets me talk!
Milton: Mom, is the cheesecake only for eight people?
Patty Lynn: Technically, yes. Legally? What’s Big Cheesecake going to do about it? Have the cheesecake police come and arrest us?
Milton: Is it pre-cut?
Patty Lynn: I made it myself! You think there’s a dessert that I serve that isn’t made by me?
Marietta: You make your own ice cream?
Patty Lynn: You are not helping.
Milton: I feel so left out from this family to begin with, this is not helping.
Kathleen: Come on, Sarah. I can feel that this is going to be a while. Let’s let them talk it out.
Sarah: Grab the pack of Go Fish cards. We can play it in my room.
Mitch: I want to play! Fair warning, though. I play a mean game of Go Fish. I have a gift.
Sarah: I’ll take the chance.
Tammy: I’ll play, too! I don’t need to be here for all this drama.
Amy: I like the drama.
Sarah, Kathleen, Mitch and Tammy walk to Sarah’s room.
Milton: Coming home to this was not exactly fun for me.
Patty Lynn: See, he didn’t like the game. I knew we should’ve moved on to something else. Yahtzee is right there!
Milton: No, the game was fine. The situation we’re in is what’s not fun. This was so uncomfortable. Knowing you guys are all bonding and doing things without me hurts my soul. Marietta, you get to grow your relationship with mom and dad so much while mine fades.
Martin: Our relationship will never fade, Milton. We love you so much and we’re proud of the work you're doing. You’re a majority-making senator who’s pushing for real change. That’s such an incredible thing.
Marietta: Milton, I can assure you that growing closer to mom and dad is not as fun as it sounds. You getting closer with two of my best friends is a lot more painful for me.
Patty Lynn: Hey!
Marietta: I’m just trying to make him feel better. You know I love you. You can be a lot sometimes, though.
Milton: That’s true.
Marietta: So you feel better now?
Milton: No!
Patty Lynn: What do you need to feel better? We’re sorry we had a game day without you.
Milton: I don’t know if I like being in the Senate!
Marietta: Oh, come on!
Meanwhile, in Sarah’s room…
Sarah: Kathleen, got any eights?
Kathleen: Go fish!
Mitch: Tammy, got any threes?
Tammy doesn’t answer.
Mitch: Tammy?
Tammy doesn’t answer.
Mitch: Tammy Ethel Carlene Harbinger Yarborough, are you alive?
Tammy: Shh! I'm trying to listen!
Mitch: Listen to what?
Tammy: Them talking! I just heard Patty Lynn gasp loudly, I don’t know what it was about because you guys were talking.
Kathleen: I thought you didn’t want to experience the drama.
Tammy: Oh, you knew that was a lie.
The door swings open and hits Tammy in the head.
Amy: Sorry, Tammy!
Tammy: Why does this keep happening?
Amy: I was the one hit last time!
Kathleen: What’s going on out there?
Amy: Milton’s all upset.
Kathleen: We knew that already.
Amy: He said he doesn’t know if he likes being in the Senate.
Tammy: Did Marietta kill him?
Amy: Not yet. We’ll see.
Back in the dining room…
Patty Lynn: You don’t know if you like being a senator?
Milton: I like the job, but I don’t like that it takes me away from home. Knowing I missed out on game night tonight amplified those feelings.
Marietta: If you’d stop pouting about having to do my dream job, we could play some games and you wouldn’t miss out!
Milton: I know.
Marietta: I actually understand how you feel. It’s not easy for me. I loves being in the Senate and that’s gone now and I can never go back. It’s still hard for me to grasp. You're having a hard time not being in New Orleans 24/7. It makes sense. When you’re used to something so long and that situation changes, it can be hard to adapt. We’re always going to be here for you, though. Even if we have game nights without you, it’s not because we don’t want you here.
Milton: That was actually heartfelt. That must’ve been tough for you.
Marietta: I will kick you under this table.
Milton: I know you will.
Patty Lynn: Are you okay now? Can we get back to games?
Milton: Yes, I’m ready for fun.
Patty Lynn: Yahtzee time!
Patty Lynn runs to Sarah’s room and swings the door open, hitting Amy and Tammy.
Tammy: This is really becoming a problem.
Patty Lynn: If you weren’t so frickin’ nosy, it wouldn’t happen! Now let’s play Yahtzee!
Sarah: We’re in the middle of Go Fish!
Patty Lynn: Do not make me wait for Yahtzee.
Sarah: I’m closest to winning, anyway. We can stop here.
Mitch: I was just about to make a book!
Sarah: You’d still be five behind me.
Mitch: Fine. You win.
Patty Lynn: Yahtzee time!
Marietta: Kill me.
What did you think of the new episode of Marietta? Comment your thoughts, listen to the official season three playlist, vote in the poll below, and make sure to return for a new episode next week!
