Patty Lynn: Marietta, what are you doing? We need to go now! Your brother is probably already in New Hampshire.
Marietta: I’m running down my list of instructions for Amy.
Amy: She thinks I don’t know how to use a dishwasher.
Patty Lynn: Do you?
Amy: Who doesn’t?
Patty Lynn: They didn’t have dishwashers when I was a girl.
Sarah: Grandma, are you saying you don’t know how to use a dishwasher?
Patty Lynn: Obviously I know how to use a dishwasher! Silly question.
Sarah: You just made it seem l-
Patty Lynn: I didn’t make it seem like anything. Now, come on, we have to get to the airport.
Sarah: I’m coming, I’m coming.
Patty Lynn: Tell your aunt to come.
Marietta: Can I just finish telling Amy what to do? I’ll be five minutes.
Amy: I think I’m good. Your house will be fine.
Marietta: Don’t sleep in my bed, okay? I didn’t change the sheets. The guest room is all made up for you.
Amy: You already wrote that on here. Don’t worry, I can read.
Marietta: Okay. Thank you for doing this. I’m off to New Hampshire.
Patty Lynn: Finally!
In the car…
Marietta: I’ve been told by a certain mother that I’m late and that we’re not going to make it to the airport.
Martin: We have plenty of time to get to the airport, there’s no need to freak out.
Kathleen: She always freaks out.
Patty Lynn: I do not! Stop saying that!
Danny: I’m very glad to be in on the family vacay, but I am a little cautious. I remember what happened last time.
Sarah: What happened then?
Kathleen: Marietta realized she didn’t love Danny anymore and dumped him when we got home.
Sarah: Wow! How bad was the vacation?
Marietta: That’s an overly harsh descriptor.
Danny: No, I’d say it’s about dead-on.
Marietta: Let’s not talk about this. Let’s talk about where we’re going for vacation. Beautiful New Hampshire!
Kathleen: My ex-husband lives in New Hampshire.
Marietta: We’re not going to talk about that, either!
Martin: Marietta, are we supposed to pick Tammy up?
Marietta: Mitch is coming, too. They have to take a private plane because the Secret Service is filly with people who hate fun. Air travel with Tammy is so fun!
Martin: So we’re going straight to the airport from here?
Marietta: Yes! Lucky us! We get to sit in an airport with mom for three hours waiting for our flight to come in.
Sarah: What is there to do in New Hampshire? I’ve never seen a movie or any TV shows set there. Is it a real place?
Patty Lynn: You’ve never seen On Golden Pond?
Kathleen: That movie is why we’re going to New Hampshire to begin with.
Sarah: We’re going to New Hampshire to visit a pond?
Patty Lynn: No, silly! On Golden Pond is just the name of the movie. It’s set at a gorgeous lake in New Hampshire that we’re visiting called Squam Lake. The lake house we’re staking at is lovely, and there’s a lot of other things to see in the area. It’s going to be so much fun.
Marietta: Smile and nod, Sarah.
Ten hours later, the Landfields arrive at the lake house.
Marietta: Holy crap. We went on a trip to New Hampshire and it feels like we flew to Australia.
Kathleen: Your father is the slowest driver I’ve ever seen. That’s probably part of it.
Martin: There hasn’t been much driving at all on the trip. Just sixty miles from Manchester to the house.
Kathleen: You managed to turn that into a two-and-a-half hour drive.
Martin: We’re here now. Maybe we can unpack?
Patty Lynn: Sounds like a plan to me!
Kate: Hey, everybody! They’re finally here!
Tammy: I must be seeing things.
Marietta: We aren’t that late!
Patty Lynn: Kate, I’m so glad you took up our offer to come with!
Kate: Where else would I go? Home? Don’t think so.
Ellie: I’m here too!
Marietta: Ellie! Is this really a vacation for you? New Hampshire is basically just an extension of Massachusetts, isn’t it?
Ellie: It is certainly not. There’s a difference. I’ll let you know what that is when I figure it out.
Tammy: We always have such fun when we’re together.
Marietta: Why are you repeating the obvious?
Tammy: Trying to bring our spirits up before delivering some distressing news.
Ellie: The lake house is remarkably large considering its location. Not often you see a home this large right on the edge of a lake like this.
Marietta: Get to the point.
Ellie: It’s a big house, but there aren’t a ton of bedrooms in it. Or beds.
Marietta: Explain yourself.
Ellie: There’s five bedrooms. Only one of them has a bunk bed.
Marietta: I don’t see an issue.
Tammy: Two of you are going to have to sleep in the same bed.
Marietta: Mom and dad can. They’ve been married sixty years, I think they’re used to it.
Ellie: Oh my god, what is with her today?
Marietta: It’s been a long day!
Milton: What they’re trying to say is that two of them will need to sleep in the same bed because there’s only six beds. Mom and dad get one, Moira and I get another, and Kathleen and Sarah can share the bunk beds. That means the rest of you will all have to sleep in the same beds.
Tammy: Mitch and I can sleep on the pullout sofa.
Kate: The President can not sleep on a pullout sofa!
Mitch: Good thing I’m no longer President!
Kathleen: Are you all going to just stand there and talk while we take our luggage in?
Kate: Sorry! I’ll help!
Milton: Kate and Ellie will sleep in one bed, and Marietta and Danny in another.
Tammy: Kate and Ellie sharing a bed shouldn’t be too difficult. They do everything else together.
Marietta: Whoa, Danny and I are not sleeping together. It’s too soon to share a bed!
Milton: You are now. For one week, you can do it.
Marietta: I don’t like this at all.
Milton: You don’t have to You just have to suck it up and deal with it.
Kathleen: Now that you’ve all decided on where we’re sleeping tonight, could ya help us bring everything in from the car?
Marietta: If I must.
Martin: We’re half a day into this vacation and we already want to rip each others’ heads off. What fun!
Two days later…
Sarah: You know, grandma, I’m really enjoying this trip so far. I feel so at ease.
Patty Lynn: I told you a nice, relaxing vacation can be so rewarding.
Tammy: Is it really relaxing if we’ve spent half of it listening to Ellie yelling?
Ellie: I do not yell. I’m just passionate.
Tammy: About yelling?
Milton: Are we going to go somewhere one of these days? We’re two days in and all we've done is drive into town to shop, go to a museum to learn about loons -
Marietta: As if we’re not already experts on loons!
Milton: and we swam in the lake a bit. Well, Marietta sat on a raft while we swam.
Marietta: I have to keep my hair beautiful!
Milton: What I’m asking is: are there tourist attractions here?
Tammy: Is the Loon Center not a tourist attraction to you?
Milton: No!
Sarah: It’s the state bird of Minnesota!
Milton: Then let Minnesotans go to the Loon Center. Not me.
Patty Lynn: There’s plenty to see and do here. We can travel up Mount Washington, go for a nice hike along the Appalachian Trail, go boating on the lake, visit the Castle in the Clouds, go to Franconia Notch and see the Old Man on the Mountain -
Milton: I got it, thanks. You don’t need to sell me on New Hampshire.
Marietta: Yes, we’re already here. Doing nothing. Wasting precious vacation time.
Patty Lynn: It’s only noon. If everyone gets ready now, we can make it to the Castle in the Clouds.
Martin: That sounds great, honey! Who’s ready to go?
Milton: I’ve been ready since eight this morning!
Kate: I’m still adjusting to vacation time. I got up and showered at four.
Ellie: I already knew you did, because I got up at four and needed to use the bathroom. You were in there, so I had to stumble down the stairs to go. I nearly tripped!
Kate: I’m sorry, I didn’t know you’d have to go. I certainly wasn’t about to wake you to make sure you didn’t need to go before I went in.
Marietta: You know, there’s five bedrooms in this place and somehow only two bathrooms. Who designed this place?
Kathleen: Satan.
Martin: So, who isn’t ready?
Kathleen: We’re all ready! We’re dying to do anything!
Sarah: I’m enjoying the relaxation!
Milton: You are the only one. Let’s go!
Forty-five minutes later…
Milton: You mean to tell me we drove all the way here and this castle place isn’t even open for the season yet?
Moira: Calm down, honey. It’s going to be okay. We still have plenty of time left in the day.
Patty Lynn: I really thought it was open. I must have misread “May” as “March.”
Tammy: It happens to the best of us. When you get older, your eyes aren’t what they once were.
Marietta: We know how eyes work, Tammy.
Tammy: Just trying to help!
Sarah: Smile, everyone. We’re in New Hampshire! Breathe in the crisp, clean mountain air.
Marietta: Sarah, you are fifteen years old and you’re talking like a divorced housewife on an eat, pray, love trip who is on a budget and could only afford to go to New England
Sarah: Vacations are so magical! How can you be angry when you’re on vacation?
Marietta: Easily. Look at how this one is going so far.
Martin: I think we shouldn’t get too upset over this. It isn’t even one o’clock yet, we can find a place nearby to visit and still have a great day. Sure, it isn’t going like we thought, but it never does. Enjoy the day for what it is.
Kathleen: You sound very zen, Martin. Are you and Sarah doing yoga or something?
Martin: This is how I always am.
Kathleen: No, you’re usually yelling at me.
Martin: I am not.
Ellie: We’re right by the Loon Center, we can always go there again!
Milton: Noooooo!
Patty Lynn: I found something!
Martin: What is it? We’ll go right now so Milton doesn’t have a heart attack.
Patty Lynn: We can drive into Portsmouth. They have a ton of things to do and it’s only an hour away.
Milton: Only an hour? It’s one in the afternoon.
Martin: Can you stop complaining already and just let your mother live? She can’t say anything without you getting on her case. We’re on vacation! Sit back, relax, and enjoy the togetherness!
Kathleen: Wow, Martin! Been a long time since I’ve seen you like this! I love it! As long as it’s not directed at me, that is.
Milton: I’m sorry, mom. I’m only worried that vacation is slipping away and we haven't done anything yet.
Patty Lynn: It’s okay, I know what you mean. If we get going now and speed a little, we can get to Portsmouth soon.
Milton: Let’s get going, then!
Kate: I am not going to speed.
Ellie: Lighten up, Francis.
Kate: I am the Majority Leader of the United States Senate. I can’t just lighten up when it comes to following our nation’s laws.
Mitch: Didn’t stop Tammy!
90 minutes later…
Martin: Where do you want me to park?
Patty Lynn: At the museum.
Martin: What museum?
Patty Lynn: The one right there.
Marietta: Yeah, dad. The one right there!
Martin: Oh, I see it now.
Patty Lynn: Thank you!
Martin parks the car and they get out.
Kate: Oh my goodness, Martin. Some guy almost ran into me back there on the highway. That was terrifying.
Ellie: She sped to keep up with you, didn’t see the guy pull out, and he almost hit her.
Marietta: Kate! You rebel, you!
Kate: This does not leave this group.
Sarah: For a hundred bucks, I’ll agree to that.
Milton: Sarah!
Moira: Don’t interfere! She’s just being an entrepreneur, I say let her go for it.
Milton: I’m not letting my daughter swindle one of my best friends out of money.
Kate: I’m one of your best friends?
Milton: Obviously!
Marietta: You’re also one of my best friends. I love you more than Milton does!
Kate: Of course you do, Marietta.
Patty Lynn: So are we getting in there or what? It says to allow two hours for tours and they’re open until five.
Kathleen: I’m hungry! Can we eat lunch first?
Moira: I knew I forgot something!
Tammy: Yeah, I also sensed that. That you were forgetting something.
Ellie: We left the sandwiches at home?
Kathleen: I was so looking forward to that ham and cheese sandwich that I made so lovingly for myself earlier today.
Martin: We can get food here. It’s a big town. Well, by New Hampshire standards. Surely they have food.
Tammy: I see a hot dog stand over there. I can go get some for us. Everyone want one?
Kathleen: I’ll take a bag of chips, too. I’ll pay ya.
Tammy: No need. I’ll be right back.
Five minutes later…
Tammy: Okay, guys. Here you go! Enjoy!
Marietta Why is it cold?
Patty Lynn: And wet?
Danny: It looks raw.
Ellie: Why’s there a string on it?
Milton: Is this fresh out of the package?
Mitch: Tammy, you were supposed to go to the hot dog stand. Not to the grocery story for a pack of raw hot dogs.
Tammy: I did!
Mitch: Oh… boy…
Kate: Maybe it’ll be better than it looks!
Sarah: It’s not. Not at all.
Patty Lynn: Oh my god! Is that a tooth?
Martin: No! Just a bit of bone.
Marietta: I can’t eat this.
Kathleen: Whose stupid idea was this?
Patty Lynn: A mix of you and Tammy.
Tammy: I paid a hundred bucks for these! The girl was putting her way through college, I gave her a nice tip.
Danny: Is it too late to ask for it back?
Moira: It’s not all bad, you guys. The bread is edible.
Kate: Mine is soggy.
Ellie: All of ours are soggy!
Milton: How are the chips, Kathleen?
Kathleen: Really good. In 2017, I’m guessing. They suck in 2021. Stale as a piece of cardboard.
Marietta: How do you screw up hot dogs?
Tammy: Go ask my good pal Claudine over there.
Kathleen: Now that I’m nauseous, let’s go to this museum. They probably have better food, too.
Marietta: Not eating is better than that.
Kathleen: Exactly how I feel.
Three days later, after the family returns home from their daily activities…
Milton: Oh my god, Moira. I am exhausted. Mom’s ben dragging us all over this state all week!
Moira: You shouldn’t have told her you didn’t want to waste any of the vacation. She’s pushed us into overdrive now!
Milton: This is going to sound crazy, but -
Marietta: You want to relax at home tomorrow? I agree.
Milton: Where did you come from?
Marietta: I’m always right around the corner.
Milton: You sound like a Batman villain.
Marietta (laughing): Why so serious?
Milton: Are you high?
Marietta: Extremely. Just on life, though.
Milton: I’ve seen more mountains in New Hampshire than I have in all other states combined. I’ve seen every square inch of whatever the heck a Franconia Notch is. I saw the crumbled remains of that rock formation that looked like an old dude’s face. What else could there be to see in this state?
Patty Lynn: Tons! And we’ve got only one day to see it all!
Milton: Mom! You’re here!
Patty Lynn: Where else would I be? Maine?
Milton: The way we’ve been running around, who knows.
Patty Lynn: I sure love this trip! We’ve seen so much!
Milton: Yep, it’s great. Can’t wait for tomorrow!
Patty Lynn: I’m gonna head into the shower and then get ready for bed. It’s nine o’clock and we need to be up bright and early to get everything in tomorrow!
Patty Lynn walks away.
Marietta: So, Milton. What are you more excited to see tomorrow? The Flume Gorge or the railway on Mount Washington?
Milton: All of it. We’re so blessed to be here!
What did you think of the new episode of Marietta? Comment your thoughts, listen to the official season three playlist, vote in the poll below, and make sure to return for a new episode next week!
