Marietta Season 3 Episode 20 - (Not) Rolling Down the River

Marietta Season 3 Episode 20
(Not) Rolling Down the River

Marietta and Tammy are sitting in Marietta’s office when Amy runs in.

Tammy: Why is she always running in and interrupting us?

Marietta: I actually asked her to do something for me this time.

Tammy: Why would you do that?

Marietta: I don’t know sometimes. I really don’t.

Amy: I’m right here.

Marietta: And we’re so glad that you are!

Amy: Are you?

Marietta: Yes. What’s up?

Amy: I sent out the press release about the St. Patrick’s Day celebration. It’s all set for two weeks from Saturday.

Marietta: See, Tammy. This is why I ask her to do stuff. Sometimes, she does it right!

Amy: I’m flattered. I hope to not disappoint you about St. Patrick’s Day. I know how excited you are for it. I also spoke with the steamboat company. They’re donating two free tickets for a steamboat ride down the Mississippi for us to raffle off at the St. Patrick’s Day celebration.

Marietta: I’m very impressed with you today! I can’t believe I’m using those words to describe you.

Tammy: I can’t believe it either…

Amy: You two always manage to warm my heart.

Tammy: You’re welcome.

Two weeks later…

Patty Lynn: You girls really went all out with this St. Patrick’s Day bash! This is the only thing that can  cheer me up from that double whammy of Drew Brees retiring and NCIS: New Orleans ending.

Kathleen: You're still going on about that?

Patty Lynn: Yes! I am devastated!

Kathleen: You would be.

Patty Lynn: Why didn’t the government have a big party like this before?

Marietta: Well, we always had the parade. No one saw any need for the city to sponsor a party as well. Then, Amy and Tammy crunched the numbers and realized that it’ll bring in a ton of revenue. So we decided to do this.

Tammy: It’s not like people in New Orleans need any additional excuse to get drunk int he French Quarter, but we still decided to give them one.

Martin: There are so many children here. I’m frightened.

Mitch: Not as frightened as I am to have Tammy around drinks.

Sarah: I’m not a child, grandpa. Neither is Henrietta.

Henrietta: Was someone talking to me? I was too busy eating these weird green french fries. What are these?

Amy: They’re french fries dyed green. In hindsight, this was not one of my brighter ideas.

Henrietta: I feel sick.

Amy: Yeah, I shoulda seen that one coming.

Eliza: On the plus side, today is a great campaign opportunity for me!

Kathleen: Oh, you’re still doing that campaign? You don’t talk about it very often.

Eliza: You know, you’re not really my aunt. I can get mad at you whenever and I never even have to make up with you.

Kathleen: I’m just kidding! I’m glad you’re running. You’re one of the sanest ones in this family. You’ll serve the people well.

Marietta: Look at the rest of us. That isn’t an accomplishment.

Patty Lynn: Why would you say that?

Marietta: I’m kidding! I’m also a little drunk on this green beer that tastes terrible.

Kathleen: Sure, Amy went a little crazy with the green food dye. This is still a very well-done celebration. We needed this.

Amy: Thank you, that’s very nice.

Tammy: Hopefully next year she realizes that all of the St. Patrick’s Day decorations are enough and she doesn’t need to poison us.

Eliza: I think my pee is going to be green for the next week.

Amy: Let’s stop talking about the green dye!

Sarah: I’m really glad you got Mountain Dew for this. It’s much better than what I thought you were going to have to drink based on how things are going.

Amy: Sprite?

Sarah: No. Water with green dye in it.

Marietta: Now that you mention it, that is something she’d do.

Marissa: This is really well-done! I especially like how infuriated it makes Reggie.

Marietta: Marissa, it’s great to see you here! Are these your kids?

Marissa: Yes, they sure are! Meet Eloise, Wanda and Nate Jr.

Marietta: Hey, kiddos! I’m Marietta, I’m a friend of your mom

Marissa: They’re a little shy, don’t be too offended if they don’t talk. They did tell me they’re really excited for the Irish dance contest. Who thought of that?

Tammy: That was… Amy.

Marissa: It feel like we’re in Ireland. Well, if Ireland was situated on the equator.

Wanda: Mom, can I have a Mountain Dew?

Marissa: Absolutely not!

Amy: Wow, speaking of mothers… meet my mom, everybody!

Tammy: She has a mother? I thought she hatched from an egg.

Amy: Very funny. Mom, meet everyone. Everyone, meet my mom, Pauline Aimes.

Pauline: It’s nice to finally meet you all. I can’t believe Amy’s. never introduced me before. I guess I’m just an afterthought for her.

Amy: Mom, you are not an afterthought! It was just never the right time.

Pauline: You see all of these people more than me. I feel like an afterthought.

Amy: They live so much closer to me than you do. You’re only in town for the weekend, then you’re going back to Baton Rouge.

Tammy: I’m so surprised to see you today. Amy never mentioned you were coming

Amy: You’re not helping, Tammy.

Tammy: Oh. I wasn’t trying to.

Pauline: It’s okay. I just surprised her on Thursday with this. I wish she’d talk about me at all, since the look on your faces suggests that you’re all shocked I’m still alive, but that’s okay. I’m glad to be here. Mainly because it gets me the heck out of that house in Baton Rouge. Look how fun and lively it is here!

Amy: I’m glad you’re here, too. Now, let’s go eat some good, dyed food and listen to some Irish music and dance a little.

Pauline: That sounds nice. Let’s go now. I want to get my hands on of those leprechaun hats they’re selling down there.

Amy: You’re a VIP. I might be able to get one of those for you for free.

Tammy: I don’t think that’s legal. You’re a government official. Can’t abuse your government privileges for private use.

Amy: You’re a real pain in the ass, Tammy.

Tammy: I know.

Milton and Moira walk up to the group.

Milton: Who’s the new friend?

Martin: It’s Amy’s mother.

Milton: Amy has a mother?

Amy: You know what…

Moira: Maybe we should go get something to eat and drink.

Kathleen: Just don’t eat the fries.

Elena: Don’t drink the beer, either.

Henrietta: Or the chocolate milk.

Kathleen: Really just avoid anything that isn’t meant to be green.

Milton: Why is everything green?

Amy: I thought it was cute!

Two hours later…

Marietta: Wow, we have had a wonderful time celebrating St. Patrick’s Day here with you all. We still have plenty of festivities planned to celebrate the day, but before it gets too late, we’re going to announce our winners in our steamboat ticket giveaway! A pair of all expenses paid tickets have been provided to us generously by the New Orleans Steamboat Company, a family-owned business in operation here in New Orleans for nearly a century. Can someone hand me the bowl of entries?

Tammy: Here you go!

Marietta: Thank you very much. First Lady Tammy Yarborough, everybody! This is what it’s come to for her!

Tammy: Ah, screw you, too.

Marietta: The winner of our first annual St. Patrick’s River Cruise Contest is… Pauline Aimes!

Pauline: I won!

Amy: You WHAT?

Fifteen minutes later, after Marietta and Tammy leave the stage…

Marietta: What just happened?

Amy: My mother… did something she always does.

Marietta: Why? Why is she like this?

Amy: I don’t know.

Patty Lynn: It’s not that bad!

Marietta: It’s pretty bad, mom.

Milton: It makes Marietta look super crooked.

Marietta: Can you just shut up today?

Milton: You know what? Moira and I are going to eat some of those green chicken fingers and we’re gonna like it.

Moira: Do we have to?

Milton: No, we’ll find something else to eat.

Moira: Anything will do. Green M&Ms are okay.

Marietta: This is going to be my worst PR nightmare yet.

Tammy: Come on. This isn’t going to be worse than the time you used campaign funds for personal airline trips.

Marietta: We don’t talk about that.

Patty Lynn: Surely it’s not worse than when you passed out during the announcement of your mayoral campaign.

Marietta: Can you guys stop?

Tammy: No, this is very fun for me.

Marietta: I can tell.

Amy: I’m going to talk to my mom. Maybe the media won’t put two and two together and they’ll never realize she's my mom. If she doesn’t accept the tickets, we can just return them and this won’t get blown into some sort of scandal.

Marissa: Thank god you can’t impeach a mayor, because… oh boy.

Tammy: You’re still here? I thought for sure everyone somewhat associated with Marietta would have gone home to avoid the embarrassment.

Marissa: The kids wanted to go home but I wanted to stay, so my husband took them home. It’s just too much fun to leave! You’ll have to do this again next year! Minus the sketchy raffle.

Tammy: We could just tell them about the mistake and draw a new winner.

Marietta: We can’t do that!

Tammy: Why not?

Marietta: That would be us acknowledging the connection to Pauline and we’d be drawing attention to this ourselves.

Tammy: We’d be doing it to look like we aren’t hiding anything, though.

Marietta: I have nothing to hide. I certainly didn’t rig a raffle as a favor for one of my employees.

Tammy: It sure looks like we have something to hide!

Amy: I’m an employee of the city. Not your employee.

Marietta: I can fire you whenever I want to.

Amy: Okay, I’m your employee.

Marietta: I think we should all act as if nothing happened, because nothing did happen. It’s going to be okay. Let’s have our fun today and not worry about whether or not there will be a scandal.

The next day, at the Mayor’s Mansion…

Sarah: Tammy and Amy are here!

Marietta: Oh, god. That’s never good.

Marietta opens the door.

Marietta: What’s wrong?

Amy: The media has taken notice to our situation!

Marietta: They’re almost as much of a pain in the ass as Tammy!

Tammy: Is that necessary?

Marietta: Yes. Now, come in.

Amy and Tammy walk into the Mayor’s Mansion and sit in the living room with Marietta.

Marietta: So what did they say about our little problem? And who said it?

Amy: The Action News got the ball rolling. They reported it as an exclusive. Then the papers jumped in.

Marietta: Oh, the Sunday morning papers were always my favorite. You get coupons with ‘em.

Tammy: This is like a coupon in a way. One free scandal, must be redeemed immediately.

Marietta: How bad has the response to it been?

Amy: The Republicans are making fun of you online.

Marietta: I don’t care about Twitter.

Amy: Judge Jeanine tweeted about you! You got mentioned on Maria Bartiromo’s show.

Marietta: Wow. I still don’t care.

Amy: I thought that would be the response?

Marietta: What’s the response here in New Orleans?

Amy: People mostly think it’s fishy, but not a massive problem. It just puts your ethics in question.

Marietta: I have great ethics! I was voted the most ethical senator on Capitol Hill five times!

Tammy: Five out of twenty-three.

Marietta: You be quiet. I’m going to call Kate and ask for some advice on how to handle it.

Tammy: You’re always calling Kate and Ellie for advice. Don’t you trust me?

Marietta: No. I’m always calling Kate for advice. Ellie just always happens to be there. Getting advice from her is never the intention.

Tammy: I’m gonna have to tell her that.

Marietta: Do you want me to not call Kate?

Tammy: No, call her. I don’t know what to do to fix this.

Marietta: Do you purposely try to annoy me?

Amy: Of course she does! That’s basically her job!

Marietta calls Kate.

Ellie: Hey, Marietta!

Marietta: How do you have Kate’s cell phone.

Ellie: We accidentally mixed up our phones on Friday before we left for home. I can add her into the call if you want.

Marietta: That’d be great.

Kate: Hey, girls!

Ellie: That was so fast!

Kate: I’m very bored.

Tammy: Hey girls!

Ellie: Tammy! How’s it going?

Marietta: I’m in a bit of trouble again.

Kate: What now? Did you start a fire in your kitchen? Just put it out.

Ellie: Did you crash your car?

Marietta: No! We had a little St. Patrick’s party yesterday down by the river and we held a raffle for two free steamboat tickets. Amy’s mom won.

Ellie: Who’s Amy?

Amy: Oh, come on!

Marietta: She’s my press secretary.

Ellie: That’s not good!

Kate: That’s really not good.

Marietta: I know!

Ellie: You’re probably going to jail

Marietta: What?

Ellie: Just kidding.

Kate: Here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to go to the steamboat company, explain what happened, and pay them the full price of the tickets. That’s it. Then, Amy and her mom are going to take a nice little river boat trip. End of story.

Amy: Why didn’t I think of that?

Marietta: I didn’t even need to ask you for help. You just helped!

Tammy: Yeah, yeah. She’s great. We know.

Kate: Thank you!

Ellie: I guess that’s all you need. Bye, girls! Talk to you soon!

At Amy’s house…

Pauline: Where have you been, Amy?

Amy: Just clearing a few things up.

Pauline: Clearing what up?

Amy: Okay, you know how you won those steamboat tickets?

Pauline: Of course! I can’t wait to go with you tomorrow!

Amy: Yeah…

Pauline: You don’t seem excited. What’s wrong?

Amy: That’s been a big headache for Marietta.

Pauline: How so?

Amy: I am her Press Secretary. She’s the Mayor. She held a highly-publicized contest to give away steamboat tickets at a city event. Those tickets were won by the mother of someone on her staff.

Pauline: So?

Amy: It makes her look crooked.

Pauline: I disagree.

Amy: You’re not really an unbiased party here. The local media’s picked up on it. The right-wing cable pundits are attacking Marietta for it.

Pauline: Who cares what they say?

Amy: It’s unbecoming of a public figure, you know?

Pauline: No.

Amy: Are you trying to be obtuse?

Pauline: Are you trying to be mean?

Amy: I’m sorry. All I’m trying to say to you is that you entering the contest and somehow winning really did not turn out well for us.

Pauline: I’m sorry! I simply wrote my name on the slip and entered it just like everyone. I did enothing wrong.

Amy: I’m not trying to say that you did. I’m sorry if that’s what you think I meant.

Pauline: It really sounded like it was.

Amy: Marietta and I are going to split the costs of the tickets. We’re going to buy them for you and reimburse the steamship company so it doesn’t look crooked.

Pauline: Why? I won them. It’s not your fault that I’m lucky.

Amy: Again, it’s about the way it looks. We don’t need this to hurt Marietta’s public image.

Pauline: Why are you telling me about it?

Amy: Because I don’t want you to ever submit your name in another one of our contests. I’m not going through this again.

Pauline: Okay, I won’t.

Amy: Thank you!

Later that day, at City Hall…

Amy: Thank you both for joining me here. You didn’t really need to since it’s my job, but I’m glad you did.

Marietta: Of course we came. We had to make sure you didn’t screw anything else up.

Amy: This is not my fault!

Tammy: Whatever you say…

Amy: I’m gonna go do my press briefing. I’m sure these animals are dying to hear from me!

Amy walks out to her lectern.
Amy: Hello, everyone. Yesterday, Mayor Landfield held a contest at her St. Patrick’s Day celebration. That contest, which gave away two tickets to a steamboat ride on the Mississippi, was won by my mother, Pauline Aimes. Many in the media and online were quick to point out the conflict of interest there. None of us had any idea that my mother had submitted her name in this contest, and we apologize to everyone else who participated. We will be keeping these tickets, and will reimburse the steamboat company at full price. We will also select a new winner for the tickets from the list of names that we thankfully held onto. We apologize for any confusion this has caused. It won’t occur again. We will not be taking comments at this time.

Amy walks off the stage.

Marietta: Good job, Amy. Let’s go to dinner.

At Martin and Patty Lynn’s…

Martin: I saw your press conference. I’m glad you cleared everything up. I felt so bad seeing the controversy today.

Amy: It’s all good now.

Patty Lynn: No, it isn’t. Your mom got tickets but you didn’t pick my name from that bowl even though I submitted my name!

Marietta: You did what?

What did you think of the new episode of Marietta? Comment your thoughts, listen to the official season three playlist, vote in the poll below, and make sure to return for a new episode next week!

Who was your favorite character in Marietta Season 3 Episode 20 "(Not) Rolling Down the River?"
Patty Lynn

Share this

Related Posts

Next Post »