Our House Season 3 Episode 14 - Our Timeshare (Part 2)

Our House Season 3, Episode 14
Our Timeshare (Part 2)

Betty: Aloha, everybody! How are you enjoying your first morning in Mexico?

Teri: “Aloha” is Hawaiian, mom.

Ralph: You need to get a refund from Rosetta Stone.

Betty: I misspoke, I’m sorry. Hang me.

Cindy: Oh, look. Mom’s overreacting again. It must be Tuesday.

Velma: Actually, it’s Sunday.

Cindy: Velma, do not do this today.

Velma: I’m sorry. Tuesday is the day we’re going to Chichen Itza and I really want to go to the beach today.

Teri: We’re going to the beach today, don’t worry. It’s all in the schedule.

Velma: I know we’re going to the beach today. I’ve been preparing myself for this day for months.

Mitchell: We live two hours from the beach. We can go any weekend we want to.

Velma: This is different. This is Mexico. Look at that beach!

Teri: I think the faster we get ready to go, the faster we’ll get down to that beach and feel the sand between our toes and smell the salty air and the cooling sensation of the water.

Betty: You know, I was reading through our welcome book and it said that if one of us attends a two-hour timeshare presentation while we’re here, we’ll get three free days at one of their properties! There’s one today at twelve thirty!

Jerry: You believe that? They just want to get you in there and sell you a timeshare! They’ll keep you as long as they want until they crack you. It’s like you’re a hostage.

Teri: No one’s going to any timeshare presentation today or any day on this trip. We paid thousands of dollars to get here, we’re not about to waste a day of our trip sitting through some boring talk about timeshares.

Betty: What if i just go alone?

Ralph: No! We can’t trust you to do that.

Betty: I’m a grown woman!

Ralph: You’ll buy a timeshare within the first five minutes.

Betty: I would never do that. I’m not nearly as weak-minded as you all seem to think I am. However, if it helps ya sleep, I won’t go to the presentation. I’ll go to the beach with you all and accidentally drop half a bag of Twizzlers in the sand and then eat those sandy Twizzlers as I read Tina Fey’s Bossypants, which is somehow the book Steven picked out for me.

Steven: You’re welcome!

Betty: Now, who’s ready for the beach?

Velma: I am! I am! I’ve got my coverup on already!

Karl: Shall we head down?

Tammi: Frank isn’t in his swim trunks yet!

Teri: It’s always Frank…

Frank: No one woke me up.

Teri: You should be able to get up on your own.

Frank: It’s eight in the morning and we had a long day yesterday. I got up at seven, it takes me some time to get ready in the morning. It’s not like it’s unheard of to be a little tired.

Teri: Why aren’t you changing now, then?

Frank: I’m going!

Mitchell: Do I have time to finish my toaster strudel?

Karl: Are you otherwise ready to go?

Mitchell: Yes.

Karl: Then you’re good!

Velma: Is he really?

Mitchell: Even I ask that every day.

Four hours later, at the beach…

Teri: Mom, I’m heading back out to the water with them. You gonna join us?

Betty: Nah, I think I’ll stay up here with your father and Zeke.

Teri: Zeke’s asleep.

Zeke: What? No I’m not.

Karl: I’m actually going to go out with them. Just gonna get my feet wet. It’s a scorcher today.

Teri: Are you sure you don’t want to come out with us? It’s fun! Remember that time you picked up a sea urchin and you almost had a heart attack?

Betty: Yes, I remember two hours ago. I’m good here, though. I’m really enjoying this book, it’s actually quite funny.

Teri: Okay. I want you to soak up all the fun, though. You come swim with us if you get bored. At least come witness the sight of Mitchell in the ocean for yourself at least once. It’s a sight.

Betty: I’ll come down soon enough. You have fun!

One hour later, at the water…

Cindy: I’m really pruning up. I think I’m gonna go rest at the towels for a bit.

Tammi: I should come with you. Frank’s been up there with Steven for like half an hour digging a hole and playing in the sand. I should switch places with him and let him go to the water.

Cindy and Tammi walk up to the family’s umbrellas, chairs and blankets.

Cindy: Oh my god, where is my mother?

Tammi: Calm down, it’s okay. She probably just went down to the water.

Cindy: My mother does not go to the water alone. She probably went for a margarita and got lost.

Frank: She might just be nibblin’ on some sponge cake in Margaritaville.

Cindy: This is not the time for joking around. Zeke, you’ve been here with her since Teri and your grandfather came down to the water with us. Where did she go?

Zeke: Huh?

Tammi: He’s half asleep. Probably drank grandma’s margarita.

Cindy: Where could she be?

Tammi: Frank, did you see anything? You’ve been up here for a while.

Frank: She wasn’t here when we came back.

Tammi: And you didn’t say anything to us or even feel slightly concerned about that? You really are a dimwit!

Frank: Wow!

Tammi: This was not your brightest moment, honey.

Back at the hotel…

Man: Hello, everyone. I am Hector Sturgiss and I am the regional manager of MantaRay Resorts, the preeminent name in vacations. I’m not here to tell you why you should become timeshare owners here with MantaRay. I’m here to show you how your life could change if you do.

Betty: I have a question, sir.

Hector: Oh, Betty, is it?

Betty: Yes! If I leave now, do I still get the free three days?

Hector: No, you either have to buy the timeshare now, or sit through the program. It’s about 110 more minutes.

Betty: Okay. Interesting. So I get to leave now if I buy a timeshare?

Hector: Yes. That’s not the only excited new offer, though! Andrea, show them what else our new owners get for buying today!

Andrea: You also get a new premium clock, a silver bookend set, and a one-year supply of margarita mix!

Betty: Wow, that sounds good!

Hector: Let me tell you some more about MantaRay before anyone jumps into any decisions. I don’t want anyone to feel unprepared for what they’re about to go through.

Betty: Wait, one more question. You’re sure I get those three free days if I buy the timeshare now and go?

Hector: Yes, ma’am.

Betty: Okay, where do I sign up?

Back at the beach…

Cindy: Teri! Dad!

Karl: What’s up, honey?

Jerry: Did your mom forget to close the cooler and ruin our sandwiches?

Cindy: Mom is missing!

Teri: Mom is what?

Cindy: Missing! She’s missing! Do you need hearing aids?

Teri: Well, yes. But how does a grown woman just go missing on a beach when her family was with her?

Velma: You’re really harshing my mellow, man.

Cindy: I’m being serious, Velma. Mom is gone.

Velma: What? Where’d she go?

Mitchell: I apologize for her, she’s very high. I think she accidentally ate one of my special brownies.

Cindy: I’m gonna ignore that for now.

Teri: Oh god.

Karl: I’m gonna start walking down the beach and look for her. Maybe she came down o swim with us and got lost.

Teri: Don’t bother. I know where she is.

Cindy: And you still let me freak out?

Teri: I just remembered.

Cindy Well, where is she?

Teri: She snuck off to the timeshare presentation.

Jerry: Guess we have a timeshare now.

Karl: She said she won’t buy one, she’s not going to. I hope.

Teri: It says a lot that none of us have any confidence in her ability to not make an impulse buy that will cast us thousands of dollars a year.

Velma: Not necessarily per year. Mitchell and I have one that’s not that much.

Mitchell: Maybe she’s not high. Maybe the beach just messes with her brain sometimes.

Meanwhile, Betty rushes out of the presentation and back to the family’s hotel room to change back into her swimsuit before returning to the beach.

Mitchell: Holy crap, look who’s back!

Cindy: Where were ya, ma?

Betty: I was at a… meeting.

Cindy: In Mexico?

Betty: You know how work is.

Cindy: I do. Do you? You don’t have a job.

Ralph: She hasn’t had a job in fifteen years.

Betty: Not since you fired me!

Ralph: You loved getting fired, you hated that job!

Betty: That’s not wrong.

Teri: We know where you were.

Betty: The salad bar?

Teri: Please don’t eat the salad here. One of my co-workers did once and got a parasite.

Betty: Well, a little late for that.

Frank: Wait, are you serious?

Teri: Yes, he was deathly ill.

Frank: Oh no.

Tammi: You’ll be fine. I didn’t even see you eat a salad. How much could you have eaten?

Frank: Steven and I were hungry. There was nothing else to eat.

Tammi: You gave my baby a parasite?

Teri: We made sandwiches, you numbskull!

Betty: We should really focus on making sure these two are healthy.

Ralph: Didn’t you also eat the salad?

Betty: Oh, yes. Worry about me, too. I feel fine, though. Some time under the umbrella will fix me.

Karl: Betty! Why did no one tell me you were back? I was looking for you in the water!

Ralph: She just came back.

Karl: From where?

Betty: Fine, I bought a timeshare!

Karl: You did not!

Betty: I wish I didn’t…

Teri: I’ll call a realtor and get the house on the market.

Betty: It wasn't that expensive. I can pay for it with my personal savings.

Teri: You could also go back there and tell them to cancel it.

Betty: We’ll lose our free long weekend, then.

Jerry: It wouldn’t work, anyway. Those guys are sharks. When they rope you in, you’re not escaping. You’ll have to sell it if you want to get rid of it. They don’t accept returns. Scamming clueless grannies with a few margaritas in them is how they make their money.

Betty: I don’t see anything wrong with it, anyway. We’ll get to go on vacation more often now!

Cindy: We already have a house in Maine for that. We don’t need to go on so many vacations every year.

Betty: Oh, yeah. I forgot about the house in Wells.

Velma: How does one forget about owning a beach house?

Betty: I don’t handle the finances. It slips my mind sometimes.

Ralph: She’s gonna sell the house one day without even telling us.

Betty: I would never do that!

Ralph: You also said you’d never buy a timeshare. You said that earlier today, in fact.

Betty: Okay, fine. I messed up. Can we get past it and enjoy our vacation? I got us a free clock!

Teri: Well that solves everything!

Karl: None of you have to pay for this. I do.

Betty: No, I will!

Karl: We all know that isn’t true. But I won’t let it ruin my trip! We only have a few days here in paradise. Let’s not waste them. I’m going back down to the water because we only have a few hours until it’s time for dinner.

Frank: Yeah, we gotta get some more of that salad!

Tammi: I feel nauseous just thinking about eating salad now.

Steven: I’m gonna keep building my sandcastle!

Frank: I’d help, but I got buried in the sand by someone.

Zeke: I was bored by the conversation, okay!

Frank: Steven was supposed to bury me. That’s why I dug the hole.

Betty: I’m so glad everyone’s moved on from my misstep. Let’s go swim!

Velma: We can look for pretty shells, too. I want to take some home and make a nice little centerpiece for my work desk.

Mitchell: What time’s dinner tonight? I love Mexican.

Karl: The reservation’s for five o’clock.

Betty: I heard they have a mariachi band that plays while you eat!

Mitchell: I’ve been told that enhances the taste.

Velma: I don’t think that’s true.

Mitchell: It’s just what I’ve been told.

Thirty minutes later…

Ralph: Anyone see Teri lately?

Jerry: What if she drowned?

Cindy: Stop! You’re gonna scare my mother.

On the beach, Teri calls Danielle.

Teri: How’s it hangin’? Enjoying being home alone?

Danielle: I am. It’s been so quiet. Two Girl Scouts came to the door yesterday and I bought like six boxes of cookies and that’s the only human interaction I’ve had since you guys left.

Teri: How are dad’s plants?

Danielle: I’m cutting dead leaves off the one as we speak.

Teri: Speaking of things that are dead… our bank account.

Danielle: What happened? Did you finally hire someone from a drug cartel to kill Frank?

Teri: No, I wish. Mom bought a timeshare.

Danielle: She did? That’s great!

Teri: It is not great.

Danielle: Why not?

Teri: We aren’t a timeshare sort of family. We’re the kind of family that books our trips on Travelocity and then cancels them two weeks to stay at the hotel across the street from the original hotel because their rooms are five bucks cheaper.

Danielle: You can splurge. We’re doing well financially. Look at our house!

Teri: We’re doing okay, yes. That isn’t the point. It’s really expensive and we can’t afford excess charges like this. Especially when she didn’t consult anyone else.

Danielle: I get what you’re feeling.

Teri: Of course you do. I’m right. We all said no and she bought a timeshare anyway!

Danielle accidentally cuts Karl’s rare polka dot begonia at the stem.

Danielle: Oh no. Oh god no.

Teri: So now you’re worried about mom’s spending? Glad I convinced you.

Danielle: I gotta go.

Teri: Weird talking to you as always.

Danielle: Bye, Teri.

Teri hangs up and then makes another call.

Teri: Hello, is this MasterCard?

Agent: Yes, it is.

Teri: I would like to report a credit card as stolen…

Hours later, at the restaurant…

Betty: I’m so glad that after all the drama today, we’re finally sitting down for a good, quality meal.

Tammi: A good, quality, lettuce-free meal.

Velma: Even Teri looks happy!

Teri: I’m very happy. We’re in México! I’m very happy! I’m even learning the culture and the language. For example, cancelar means “cancel.”

Mitchell: Very good, Teri. Read the menu so we can eat. I’m dying here.

Ralph: I think I’m gonna skip the beach tomorrow. I’ve seen enough for one trip. I want to explore the town a bit, learn the culture. Visit the bars. I wanna see if they have their own Cheers.

Velma: That is un-American.

Ralph: We are in Mexico. Being un-American is the point.

Betty: I wish we could stay here even longer. It’s so much nicer than Virginia.

Cindy: I’m okay with it. Mexican food hurts my stomach after a while.

Mitchell: How dare you…

Betty: I must give you credit, Teri. You were more upset than anyone about this timeshare situation but you’re enjoying yourself now. That’s some real personal growth.

Teri: You sure do have to give me credit!

To be continued…

What did you think of the new episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to read a new episode next week!

Who was your favorite character in Our House Season 3 Episode 12, "Our Timeshare (Part 2)?"

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