Season 3 Episode 16
Written by
William Fry & Michael Ledesma
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Andrew and Edison sit on the couch watching TV. Megan bursts into the apartment.
MEGAN
Guys, did you hear the news!
EDISON
That Brie Larson is gay?
MEGAN
What? No, unfortunately, that was just a rumor. I’m talking about Starquest.
ANDREW
What about it?
MEGAN
It’s shutting down.
Edison stands up.
EDISON
What! Why?
MEGAN
Apparently, the movie adaption bombed so badly it bankrupted the company behind the game.
EDISON
So, what are we supposed to do now to pass the time?
ANDREW
We could always read a book.
EDISON
Read a book? Andrew, it’s 2021. The closest thing to a book that people read is a Twitter thread.
ANDREW
Okay, you could always do homework.
EDISON
Andrew, if you don’t have any serious suggestions, then don’t contribute to this life-changing conversation.
ANDREW
Whatever.
MEGAN
I have a solution. Gentlemen, introducing the newest and probably the best online space game… “Proxima Centauri”.
EDISON
Never heard of it.
MEGAN
It came out a few weeks ago. Now that Starquest is gone, the game’s popularity has increased. I picked up a copy for each of us.
Megan tosses two copies of “Proxima Centauri” to Andrew and Edison.
MEGAN
I hope you two don’t have any plans, because we have to train.
ANDREW
Train for what?
MEGAN
Because of its growing popularity, the creators behind Proxima Centauri are holding a nationwide tournament. There are already some teams of four that have formed on campus and I was thinking we could enter as a team.
ANDREW
I have a test tomorrow morning.
EDISON
Andrew, for once in your life, forget about school and play a potentially awesome space game with me and your lesbian roommate.
MEGAN
Yeah, what he said.
ANDREW
Fine. Wait, who’s gonna be our fourth?
EDISON
Mario of course.
MEGAN
Seriously?
EDISON
Yeah. He plays video games.
MEGAN
Well, I was kind of thinking Jessica could be on our team.
ANDREW
The hairdresser?
MEGAN
Yeah.
EDISON
Very funny Megan. A girl on our team. Can you imagine? The whole point is for us to win.
MEGAN
Edison, that is such a sexist thing to say.
EDISON
I’M a sexist? Megan, do you know how many women I’ve slept with?
ANDREW
Edison, I don’t think you know what a “sexist” is.
EDISON
Since when did you become an expert on social issues?
ANDREW
I took gender studies my freshman year. I thought it would help me ask out Sarah.
EDISON
Whatever. Jessica is not joining our team.
MEGAN
Cause she’s a girl?
EDISON
Yes. I’m sorry Megan but girls aren’t that good at video games.
MEGAN
I’M a girl.
EDISON
Yeah. but you’re a lesbian which basically makes you a guy.
MEGAN
I see. Care to make a wager?
EDISON
What do you mean?
MEGAN
I’ll form my own team of all women to play against you at the tournament. If I win, you guys have to wait on me and my team hand and foot.
EDISON
And if I win?
MEGAN
I’ll give you the number to one of my straight friends.
EDISON
Is she hot?
MEGAN
What do you think?
EDISON
Okay, deal.
Edison and Megan shake hands.
ANDREW
Wait, what do I get?
EDISON
Nothing, we already made the deal.
ANDREW
So. either way, I lose.
EDISON
Yes.
MEGAN
If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got three girls to train.
Megan leaves the apartment.
EDISON
Okay, I’m gonna call Mario and we can begin, we have lots of training to do.
ANDREW
We still need a fourth person.
EDISON
I have an idea for that.
INT. SARAH’S APARTMENT - DAY
Sarah and Brittaney sit on the couch as Megan paces around the living room.
MEGAN
Okay, ladies, this is our chance to prove that women are just as good at video games as men.
SARAH
But Brittaney and I don’t know how to play videogames.
BRITTANEY
Does Webkinz count?
MEGAN
No. No, it does not.
BRITTANEY
What about Club Penguin?
MEGAN
We’re not talking about some game we all played in elementary school. We are talking about a game involving spaceships, reaction time, and strategy.
BRITTANEY
But we don’t know anything about video games? Except that there's a good way to distract your boyfriend while you watch “The Bachelor”.
MEGAN
I’ll teach you.
SARAH
I’m in. Anything to tear Edison a new one. What do you say, Britt?
BRITTANEY
Sure, why not. Sound fun. Maybe after I learn, I can play with Mario.
MEGAN
Uh-huh sure. Okay, now we just need a fourth.
SARAH
What about Jessica?
MEGAN
I already asked her. She’s going to some hair convention tomorrow.
BRITTANEY
So, who’s our fourth?
MEGAN
Oh, I have someone in mind.
The Next Day…
INT. CAMPUS CONVENTION HALL - DAY
The giant room is filled with students and adults each with their own computer. They are set up all over the place. Edison and Andrew are setting up their computers with Mario.
ANDREW
Edison, we still don’t have a fourth.
EDISON
Yes, we do.
Paul approaches the three.
PAUL
Hey guys. Ready to play some video games?
Andrew looks at Edison.
ANDREW
Our fourth guy is Paul?
EDISON
Yes.
ANDREW
Okay, I’m confused, are you two friends or enemies?
EDISON
Again, we’re frenemies.
MARIO
Nice to meet you, Paul.
PAUL
You must be Mario. Britt’s new boyfriend. You know I was her first, right?
MARIO
Excuse me?
PAUL
Anyway, let’s get to playing.
The doors of the convention hall swing open, and Megan, Sarah, and Brittaney walk in carrying their laptops.
ANDREW
Oh boy
The trio of girls reaches the boys.
EDISON
Nice team. You know the point is to win right?
MEGAN
Oh, we’ll win. We were up all night practicing.
EDISON
It still won’t be enough? Looks like you're short one player.
MEGAN
Oh no, I’ve got four.
The convention doors swing open again and Paige enters. She joins the girls.
EDISON
Paige?
PAIGE
That’s right.
EDISON
You said videogames were a waste of time.
PAIGE
Oh, they are but getting a chance to get back at you isn’t.
EDISON
You know what, who cares. We’ll still beat you all. Team “Guy Friends” is gonna own this tournament.
MEGAN
Well, see. Team “Same-Sex” has a few surprises.
Edison and Megan give each other competitive stares.
PAUL
Hi Brittaney.
Brittaney scratches her eyes with her middle finger.
Both teams go their separate ways.
ANDREW
Edison, I think we should call off the bet.
EDISON
Are you kidding? Megan is the only one on that team who knows how to play videogames. We’ve got this tournament in the bag. Now, let’s play.
The tournament begins. The players tap furiously at the keyboards as they fire on ships. On their screen, spaceships explode.
It is just Edison’s team and Megan’s team now. Both are in the ZONE.
ANDREW
What was that you said about us having this in the bag?
EDISON
I didn't think she’d teach them that well. How much health did you get?
ANDREW
Not much. She has that Ionic cannon.
EDISON
Not for long.
On the screen, Edison's ship fires a shot at Megan’s ship and destroys the Ionic cannon.
EDISON
Whoooooooooooooo!
MEGAN
Shit!
SARAH
What now?
MEGAN
Fire at will, fire at will!
The girls tap furiously at their keyboards.
MARIO
We got them now.
Mario’s ship explodes
MARIO
What the?
BRITTANEY
Ha! Take that!
MARIO
Babe!
BRITTANEY
Sorry.
SARAH
Don't apologize girl.
Sarah taps her keyboard and destroys Andrew’s ship.
ANDREW
Damn it.
EDISON
Okay Paul it’s just you and me.
Brittaney taps her keyboard furiously and destroys Paul’s ship. It explodes more violently than the others.
BRITTANEY
That’s for cheating on me, you dick.
Sarah and Brittaney high-five each other.
Edison’s ships fire two missiles and destroys Sarah and Brittaney’s ship. He fires another missile at Megan’s ship but Paige’s ship moves itself into the way and explodes.
MEGAN
Thanks.
PAIGE
Don’t mention it.
Megan and Edison lock eyes. They both crack their knuckles and start tapping at their keyboards firing upon each other’s ships, each doing damage to the other. Megan’s ship stops firing and goes stagnant.
EDISON
Well, well, well, any last words?
MEGAN
Yeah. You ready to be my bitch?
Edison’s eyes widened.
Megan’s ship deploys a sphere-like bomb towards Edison’s ship.
EDISON
No!
The bomb detonates and obliterates Edison’s ship.
The girls cheer and Megan is handed a makeshift trophy.
INT. SARAH’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Megan, Sarah, Brittaney, and Paige sit on the couch.
MEGAN
Where’s our dinner!
Andrew, Edison, and Mario walk out of the kitchen wearing aprons and carrying a tray.
EDISON
This is humiliating.
MEGAN
Good.
The boys set the tray of food in front of the girls. Megan puts her bare feet on the table.
MEGAN
Foot rub, please.
Edison looks at Andrew.
ANDREW
Don’t look at me, you’re the one who made the bet.
Sarah and Brittaney put their feet on the table.
SARAH
Us too.
The three men get on their knees and start rubbing the women’s feet.
END.