LORENZO is at the jail cafeteria with GUS and CARL.
LORENZO
Can I tell you guys a little secret?
GUS
Uh oh.
CARL
Please don’t.
LORENZO
Cotton candy is my favorite food. Honestly, I might never look back from this cafeteria.
LORENZO takes a bite of his cotton candy and immediately spits it out.
LORENZO
EWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!
GUS
Tastes perfectly bland to me.
LORENZO
Right?! Where’s the sugar?!
A GUARD comes rushing toward LORENZO.
GUARD
Is something wrong? PLEASE tell me something is wrong.
LORENZO
This cotton candy is not up to my standards.
GUARD
It’s jail food, did you expect something edible? That stuff’s like 95% pure cotton.
CARL
I like it.
GUARD
Don’t be a lying criminal, Carl.
LORENZO
I will not eat this cotton candy until it’s REAL cotton candy. Not this crap with cotton in it.
GUARD
It’s all there is.
LORENZO
Well then I’m not eating.
GUARD
Fine. Have it your way.
Three days go by and LORENZO has had nothing to eat or drink except water. The news of LORENZO’S hunger strike in jail works its way into the media. Finally, a GUARD approaches LORENZO’S cell alongside the WARDEN.
WARDEN
Hello Lorenzo.
LORENZO
Hello. I’m hungry.
WARDEN
I assumed. Do you have a minute?
LORENZO
I have absolutely nothing else to do.
WARDEN
You know, your hunger strike is getting a lot of attention. Not just from everyone else here, but from the outside world.
LORENZO
Does this mean you’ll supply the cafeteria with real cotton candy now?
WARDEN
No way. Everyone else is perfectly content eating cotton and things cost money. We’ve decided to simply release you from this jail and place you on house arrest. You’re too much of a hassle to keep here.
LORENZO
I get to leave this place early?!
WARDEN
Yep, but you can only stay in your house, and you have to wear an ankle bracelet the whole time.
LORENZO
OK, I’ll do it.
WARDEN
Oh this wasn’t an offer, it’s a done deal. The cost of keeping you here way outweighs the benefits.
LORENZO
I wasn’t finished. I’ll do it under one condition.
WARDEN
Oh? And that is?
GUARD
Wait a minute since when did we open our ears to the criminals’ requests?!
WARDEN
First off, innocent until proven guilty. Second, Lorenzo is a local celebrity. It’s different for him.
LORENZO
I’ll only go on house arrest if you can agree to place Gus and Carl on house arrest too. They very clearly did nothing to harm anyone and don’t deserve to be here.
The WARDEN pauses.
WARDEN
I’ll take a look at their official records and make a determination for myself.
The WARDEN returns to her office and quickly returns to LORENZO’S cell.
WARDEN
I looked at their records. I shouldn’t be doing this, but I’m transitioning them to house arrest. Here’s your ankle bracelet, have fun on house arrest!
The WARDEN opens LORENZO’S cell and directs LORENZO out of the jail. He sees GUS and CARL standing outside of the jail as well.
LORENZO
Welcome to house arrest guys! I got you out of there!
GUS
Thanks?
CARL
Yeah we didn’t really ask for this but whatever I guess.
LORENZO makes his way to his house, wondering why GUS and CARL aren’t as excited to go on house arrest as they are. When he gets home, he quickly forgets about them.
LORENZO is at home when he hears a knock on the door. He slowly opens the door and sees MADISON, ADAM, LINCOLN, SAM, CHASE, and REAGAN standing at his doorway.
LORENZO
Oh thank God, I thought you guys were the cops.
LINCOLN
Scared of going back to jail?
LORENZO
Kinda.
SAM
Can we come in?
LORENZO
Of course! My home is your home!
SAM
No I mean, can we legally enter this property?
LORENZO
Aren’t you the lawyer?
CHASE
Lorenzo, what’d the warden tell you about having visitors?
LORENZO
That I could have limited visitors in limited circumstances but I couldn’t throw any parties.
REAGAN
So we can come in then.
LORENZO
Hey, shouldn’t you do your due diligence and make sure I’m not throwing a party?
REAGAN
If you were having a party, you would tell us.
LORENZO
Well that is true. Now what brings you here?
ADAM
Simple wellness check.
LORENZO
Wellness check?!
ADAM
We haven’t heard from you in a bit. We heard about the hunger strike and subsequent transition to house arrest on the news, but haven’t heard from you personally.
LORENZO
Ohhh I get it, you wanted to check in to see if I remembered you! That was nice of you.
MADISON
More like to see if you’re alive.
REAGAN
Yeah or if like you lost your phone or something.
LORENZO
I didn’t forget about you guys. I just have a lot going on. Sometimes things slip through the cracks.
LINCOLN
So you just…didn’t remember us.
LORENZO
Exactly! You get it.
SAM
Well, we’re happy you’re alive.
LORENZO
Happy enough to be my lawyer at court?
Everyone goes silent.
LORENZO
Come on, ONE of you has to be willing. Help a guy out!
ADAM
Lorenzo, between us…did you actually commit campaign finance fraud?
LORENZO
What?! Of course not! I don’t even know what that is.
LINCOLN
It’s what you went to jail for.
LORENZO
We can just clear it up and say it was all a big misunderstanding.
REAGAN
So you’re sure you’re innocent?
LORENZO
Absolutely. I would never intentionally do a crime.
CHASE
You can unintentionally do a crime.
LORENZO
Yeah, but then it doesn’t count.
MADISON
Yes it does. A crime is a crime.
LORENZO pauses.
LORENZO
Pretty sure what I did was unintentional. We can just go with that, right?
MADISON, ADAM, LINCOLN, SAM, CHASE, and REAGAN look at one another.
MADISON
Excuse us for a second.
MADISON, ADAM, LINCOLN, SAM, CHASE, and REAGAN step aside.
LINCOLN
We’re not really gonna take this case, right?
ADAM
It could be our big break.
SAM
Plus, people love Lorenzo here for some reason. He won’t get convicted no matter what.
REAGAN
You think this could be an easy win for us?
SAM
It’s ours to lose if we want it.
CHASE
But what if we do lose?
MADISON
We’re too good to lose.
MADISON, ADAM, LINCOLN, SAM, CHASE, and REAGAN approach LORENZO again.
ADAM
We’ll work on your case.
LORENZO
All of you?!
LINCOLN
Yeah…if that’s okay.
LORENZO
That’s perfect! With 6 lawyers, I might have a chance of winning!
SAM
So let’s start brainstorming.
LORENZO
Pretty sure if you stay much longer I break my house arrest rules.
MADISON, ADAM, LINCOLN, SAM, CHASE, and REAGAN run out of LORENZO’S house.
LORENZO is sitting in his house, watching the local news.
NEWS ANCHOR 1
In other news, the Indianapolis Primitives have put out a statement about their relief pitcher Lorenzo. The statement reads in part, “We have no tolerance on our team for convicted criminals. We are disappointed in his antics in jail and will release him from his duties should he be convicted.”
NEWS ANCHOR 2
Not only that, the company SugarCity, who has previously endorsed Lorenzo and is at the forefront of this controversy, put out a statement that in part reads, “We have nothing to do with any of Lorenzo’s wrongdoings and any claim to the contrary is ridiculous. If he is convicted we will be revoking his lifetime supply to SugarCity products.”
LORENZO shuts off the news and picks up the phone. He calls JASON, the current manager of the Indianapolis Primitives.
JASON
Hello?
LORENZO
Jason! Old friend!
JASON
Lorenzo?! Are you allowed to be talking to me?
LORENZO
Yeah I’m on house arrest, it’s fine.
JASON
What’s this about?
LORENZO
Why did you put out that mean statement about me? I want to play bench in the outfield again! In fact, I’m supposed to be bullpen coach!
JASON
What statement?
LORENZO
The one where you said I wouldn’t get to be on the team if I was in prison!
JASON
Well…how do you suppose you’d play if you were in prison?
LORENZO
Didn’t think that through.
JASON
Anyways, that wasn’t even me who put out the statement. I’m just the coach, there’s a whole group of people above me.
LORENZO
Can you tell them for me?
JASON
Don’t even know who wrote it. Oh also, even if you don’t get convicted, you definitely shouldn’t be bullpen coach and probably should watch out for your job.
LORENZO
Phew, I thought one of my old friends was being mean to me! Have fun on house arrest! Oh wait—that’s me on house arrest. Never mind. Uh…bye!
LORENZO hangs up the phone. He calls HARRY, the cook for the bullpen and a waiter for SugarCity’s Kitchen.
HARRY
What.
LORENZO
Harry! Always in a good mood.
HARRY
What.
LORENZO
So listen, is it true that you’re not going to give me any more food from SugarCity if I get convicted?
HARRY
I never said that, what makes you think I would say that?
LORENZO
The statement they put out on the news.
HARRY
Oh. I don’t write those things, those come from the corporate office.
LORENZO
Ok, well next time you see them can you ask them to stop being mean to me?
HARRY
If it makes you hang up.
LORENZO hangs up. Sensing good news, he calls CHASE.
CHASE
Hi Lorenzo, everything okay?
LORENZO
Everything is great! So you’re like the lead lawyer on this case, right?
CHASE
No,—
LORENZO
Dammit. Anyways, I have great news. You know how SugarCity and the Indianapolis Primitives both put out statements saying they’ll punish me if I go to prison?
CHASE
No but go on.
LORENZO
I talked to people at SugarCity and the Indianapolis Primitives and charmed my way out of it!
CHASE
You did WHAT?!
LORENZO
I know, right?! Well, I called the wrong people, but they’re gonna tell the higher-ups for me.
CHASE
Um, no they’re not. Lorenzo, you can’t just start doing this like that without consulting with us! That’s what lawyers are for! You could get in huge trouble!
LORENZO
Oh. I didn’t know.
CHASE
These people you talked to, are they really gonna speak with the higher-ups like you said?
LORENZO
Eh. Probably not. But I thought that’d impress you guys.
CHASE
Well you almost fumbled that big time. Next time, just consult us before you do something.
LORENZO
Fine.
LORENZO hangs up. He texts GUS to see how he is doing, but does not get a reply by the end of the night.