Frances is in her bedroom when Greg walks in.
Greg: Honey, it’s almost eleven. What are you doing?
Frances: I’m getting ready for the trip.
Greg: That’s not for another three days, can’t this wait until tomorrow? You know, when it’s not time for bed?
Frances: I’m busy during the day. Night is the only time I have to pack. Do you want me to be ill-prepared?
Greg: I didn’t say that.
Frances: Then let me pack in peace. I’m anxious enough for this trip so as it is.
Greg: Why are you so anxious for it? Is it because you have to be on a plane with DeAnna?
Frances: I hate company retreats. They feel like a trap.
Greg: You’ll have me there this time. That’s a nice comfort, no?
Frances: You don’t have to go to the meetings. Now Dana is running them, because… you know. It’s going to be no fun whatsoever.
Greg: Isn’t it nice to get to go to Napa, though?
Frances: No! We’re not allowed to drink during the day while the meetings are going on! What is the point of going to Napa if you can’t get wine drunk?
Greg: It’s supposed to be very pretty.
Frances: That’s how they lure you in. They promise pretty views of wine country, they instead give you six straight hours of sexual harassment seminars and company morale activities because someone can’t keep his hands to himself. It’s all an elaborate trap.
Greg: It’s like the vacation version of a honeytrap.
Frances: Exactly. It’s manipulative, and I hate it.
Greg: You and Louise had fun in Aspen last year, no?
Frances: No. Would you have fun with Louise in Aspen?
Greg: I’ll make sure you have fun this year.
Frances: That’a a very sweet sentiment. It’s not based in reality, but it’s a sweet sentiment.
Greg: I’m heading to bed, good luck with your packing.
Frances: Oh, I think I’ll just do that tomorrow. Complaining about Napa really tuckered me out.
Greg: Good night, and dream of drinking wine on the patio of a Napa vineyard, without a single work meeting all day.
Frances: I don’t want to dream about Napa, dear. I can’t let DeAnna accidentally creep into my dreams.
Greg: It would immediately become a nightmare then, no?
Frances: Is there something worse than a nightmare? It’d be that.
Three days later…
Louise: I still don’t understand why you’re not taking me again.
Lauren: Most people like going on vacations with their spouses.
Louise: How would you know? You’ve never had one.
Jimmy: No fighting, girls! Frances is already broken up enough that she has too be away from us for four days, we don’t want to leave her on a sour note.
Frances: Yes, shattered. I will spend these four days truly pining for a return home to my beloved family.
Louise: Even Jimmy can feel that sarcasm. Right?
Jimmy: I thought it to be quite genuine.
Louise: Honey…
Frances: I am very thankful that all of you are taking care of the house while we’re away. I’m not sure on why you need to stay over at the house when you live a minute away, but I appreciate it nonetheless.
Louise: Those break-ins just leave us so worried, we can’t have a house this beautiful sitting vacant for so long.
Frances: Those guys are in prison. Or jail. Whichever is the one they go to before the trial.
Greg: Also, is four days “so long?”
Lauren: Jail.
Frances: Good to know. Um, we really don’t have time to figure out what your whole deal is here, so thanks for keeping watch here. The pool instructions are written on the counter, we gotta go before Dana’s plane takes off without us.
Jimmy: I think it’s so cool you guys get to take a private network plane. How VIP of you!
Lauren: It’s so terrible for the environment. Just drive to Napa like normal people.
Frances: It was offered. It’s worse for the environment actually if we drive on top of that plane that was taking off even without us on it.
Lauren: I was really directing it more at the network, they pollute so much.
Louise: California has changed you.
Lauren: I’m simply becoming aware of the challenges surrounding us in the world.
Frances: Bye, everybody! Don’t burn my house down!
Jimmy: We’ll try our best, no promises.
Frances: Promise or you don’t get the key!
Jimmy: We promise.
At the airport…
Beverly: My god, Frances, I thought they were going to take off without you.
Frances: The Destiny’s Child tour bus never took off without Beyonce.
DeAnna: You think you’re the Beyonce? You look like Jay-Z!
Marcia: I’m impressed you know who Jay-Z even is.
Greg: Wow, this is really what you guys act like at work?
Marcia: Impressive, huh?
Greg: I suppose it is in a way, yeah. I could never be so carefree at my workplace.
Marcia: That’s because you’re not a celebrity. They know they’ll never have consequences to face.
Frances: That’s not true! Robert Blake wen-
Marcia: They let him go.
Frances: OJ! He did go to jail!
Marcia: They got him for the least bad thing he did.
Dana: Why is Frances naming murderers?
DeAnna: It’s hard to know why Frances ever does anything, isn’t it?
Dana: I’m just glad Frances is here, now we can finally get going to Napa. Mama needs a drink!
Beverly: Wow, Dana, an implication that you’re going to drink alcohol once we get to wine country. You’re really letting loose on this trip!
Dana: I’ve been reminded that life is short, far too short to be a stick in the mud. This year’s HR retreat is going to be fun, that’s a guarantee!
Frances: This is a “guarantee” every year.
Marcia: Look on the plus side: unlike last year, Louise isn’t here.
Frances: That’s my sister-in-law you’re talking about! Don’t you dare insult her before I get a chance to!
Beverly: I would just like to remind you, Dana, that Jane isn’t here and we can’t leave without her.
DeAnna: What does she even do.
Beverly: Assistance.
DeAnna: How, by making you all seem smarter in comparison?
Dana: They have plenty of employees at the hotel, one of them can assist Frances. We’re going. Life is too short to wait around for the crew of Frances in the Kitchen.
Beverly: Some of us wee on time! Me and Earl, Marcia, the list ends.
Earl: I’m just happy to be here, no need to drag me into the drama.
Beverly: I know, but I want to.
Earl: Then go right ahead, dear.
Dana: All right, everyone. In your seats, buckle up, we’re blowing this popsicle stand. Napa, here we come!
Marcia: God, Jane’s gonna be so annoying about this when we get home.
Beverly: At least it’ll stop her from being annoying about something else.
Two hours later…
Beverly: Marcia! Look at this room!
Marcia: Yeah, it sure is a room.
Beverly: The view!
Marcia: Don’t care for that show to be honest, too much yelling. I prefer the reserved blandness of The Talk.
Beverly: The view out the window! Look at the vineyards.
Marcia: I’m in a room on the other side of the hotel, I get a view of the street. Don’t rub that in my face.
Greg: We would swap rooms with you if you want to see the vineyard. We don’t plan on spending much time looking out the window, if you get my drift.
Marcia: Ew.
Frances: My god, he doesn’t mean having sex. This hotel has free Showtime, we’re gonna catch up on Nurse Jackie.
Beverly: You’re a famous TV star, you can’t afford a Showtime subscription?
Frances: I refuse to pay for TV I should be getting for free.
Marcia: I’ll take you up on that offer, by the way. I love a good view, especially when it reminds me of wine.
Frances: I don’t think I offered, did I?
Greg: I did, I was trying to be nice to my sister. Is that okay?
Frances: It’s fine. I’m not here for fun anyway, I’m here for work.
Dana: So, who’s going to the bar with me tonight?
Earl: Where the hell did she come from?
Marcia: She’s very light on her feet, she’s like a panther.
Dana: Is no one taking me up on the offer? I thought you guys had fun!
Marcia: We are very fun, we’re just not convinced you are.
Dana: Come on! DeAnna is going, it’s going to be great.
Frances: Pass. I have a sad comedy about a drug-addicted nurse to watch. That is somehow a more fun time than drinking with DeAnna.
Beverly: I don’t know if I feel right about going drinking with my boss. This is an HR Summit, no?
Dana: One guy getting handsy should not mean that we can’t have fun together. We fired him anyway, he’s gone!
Frances: I’m actually pleasantly surprised to hear that.
Dana: This is a woman-run business, Frances, I’m not going to accept sexual harassment. That’s why I’m going to make you all listen to eight hours of sexual harassment training this week.
Marcia: I’ll go drinking with you if it means you’ll leave us be for now, okay?
Frances: Marcia, you don’t have to take one for the team like that. It’s okay.
Marcia: No, I’m going to do this, and I’m going to have a great time.
Dana: All right! I’ll let you settle into your room first before we go. I gotta settle into my presidential suite, too. See you in an hour?
Marcia: That works.
Dana: Great!
Dana walks away.
Earl: Wow, you really can’t hear her at all when she walks. In heels, too!
Beverly: Was it necessary to point out she has a presidential suite?
Frances: It’s what rich people do.
Beverly: You are rich! Do you not get that?
Frances: She’s another level of rich. I’m TV star rich. She’s corporate bigwig rich.
Earl: I’m gonna go settle into the room. I want to see what kind of bath they have, I love a good jacuzzi tub.
Frances: We should all do the same. Not do a tub inspection, that’s weird. But we should settle in for the night, we have work tomorrow.
Marcia: And I’ve got work tonight. I’m blessed.
The next morning, in the conference room…
Jane: Hi, everyone!
Beverly: My god, Jane! How did you get here?
Jane: I got to the airport around noon, which was apparently too late. I stayed until five just to make sure I wasn't too early. When I realized what was happening, I hopped back in my car and I drove all night to get here!
Frances: It’s only a seven-hour drive, how did it take you all night to get here?
Jane: Somewhere around San Luis Obispo, I realized I forgot my luggage on the tarmac. I had to turn back and get it, that was a whole deal. Then I realized I was driving south, and apparently Napa is not south! I’m exhausted!
Beverly: My goodness, and they let her have a license?
Marcia: Ugh… I’m so tireeeeeeeddddddddd.
Beverly: You party late last night with Dana?
Marcia: She parties way harder than you’d think. She is certainly not joking about reinventing herself as the fun lady. DeAnna and I could’t wait to get out of that bar, Dana just kept on going. Haven’t seen anything like it since my twenties.
DeAnna: Are you telling them about -
Frances: Hey, nice sunglasses!
DeAnna: I am so hungover, and it’s all my boss’s fault.
Frances: Bring that up today for the whole company to hear. Really spice up this HR summit.
DeAnna: You’d love that, wouldn’t you? You’re just dying to see my show canceled so you can be the big network star. No, I’m keeping this to myself. I’m not giving that woman any ammo to use against me. I accuse her of acting inappropriately, she’ll find a case of me acting wrong and can me. These execs don’t go down easy!
Marcia: I’m so tired!
Beverly: You said that already.
Jane: We can nap when this meeting is over. Would you like that?
Marcia: Where the hell did Jane come from?
Frances: It was a whole thing right before you walked in.
DeAnna: I thought we left her back in Anaheim.
Frances: She has her ways. No one understands them, but she has her ways.
Dana: Hello, everybody! Who is excited to learn today?
Marcia: How does she look completely fine?
DeAnna: I hate her.
Beverly: I don’t think she’s even human.
Dana: We are so blessed to be spending this year’s summit in the beautiful Napa Valley! I hope that, after each day’s meetings and HR courses, you will explore the gorgeous scenery and enjoy all the area has to offer before we head home. I speak for myself and the board when I say we are so grateful you all took the time out of your busy lives to join us here.
Frances: It was company-mandated.
Dana: It was indeed, but you’d be surprised how many people still don’t show up. You all are aware of some recent allegations against one of our former colleagues, which is why we will all undergo extensive sexual harassment training and other workplace conduct courses, but we’re going to start now with a meeting about the direction of our company, how you’re all feeling about it, and what we have in store in the future. It’s going to be a chill, relaxing meeting today before we get into any of the heavy stuff in the next few days. So now I’m going to introduce our chief of programming, James Kessler, and our chief marketing officer, Meredith MacArthur, who are going to take part in today’s meetings.
Six hours later…
Frances: What the hell was that even for?
Marcia: What did we learn in that? Nellie Sarley is going to host a new Halloween-themed show for us this year. Wow, that is groundbreaking.
Beverly: There were a few other new shows announced, none that I can remember, but they did yammer on for like an hour about them.
Frances: I need a drink after that.
Jane: They had pitchers of water in there, you should have drank some if you were so thirsty.
Frances: I mean booze, Jane. That was a whole lot of nothing at all.
Beverly: We are in wine country. We need to visit a winery and enjoy this. We didn’t fly here just to hear Dana and -
Dana: Did you say you’re going to a winery? I would love to go!
Frances: I’m sure you have a lot of preparation ahead of you for tomorrow’s HR things. Right?
Dana: No, someone else is handling that.
Frances: Of course they are.
Jane: They think you drink too much, Dana.
Dana: What?
Frances: We never specifically said that.
Marcia: I just said that you know how to party, and I can’t keep up with you. Last night was a lot.
Dana: Can I tell you a secret?
Marcia: Are you going to admit to something criminal, because I really don’t think I can handle that right now?
Dana: All my drinks were watered down. Like, a lot. That rum and coke practically could have been packaged and sealed by Coca-Cola. I just didn’t want to look like a square in fronton you guys.
DeAnna: Am I hearing this correctly?
Frances: Dear God, where did she come from?
DeAnna: Don’t strike up a conversation in the conference room if you want it to stay private!
Dana: I won’t go wine tasting with you guys if you want some time away from me, but don’t exclude me because I drink too much, because I really do not.
Beverly: It wouldn’t hurt if you came along.
DeAnna: We’ll see you at six!
Frances: This has quickly turned nightmarish.
Beverly: Six good for you, Maria? Or will you still be hungover then?
Marcia: I will make that work. Maybe I can drink some more coffee. Or take a nap. Jane needs one, too.
Jane: No, not anymore. I slept through that meeting, that was boring.
Dana: Glad to hear it, and glad to see you’ve found your way here. You are such valued member of… no, I can’t do it. I can’t lie. See you tonight.
Jane: That was nice!
Frances: She just insulted you.
Jane: She worded it nicely, though. Most people just call me a moron and walk away.
Frances: Good heavens.
Later that night, at the winery…
Frances: Bev! That’s enough pictures! I’m ready to get drunk!
Earl: Technically, they never give you enough wine to get drunk at a simple tasting. You’d have to buy some in order t-
Frances: Shut up, Earl! Stop raining on my grape-fueled parade!
Greg: We can go to a few different wineries if getting drunk is the goal here.
Dana: Remember, sexual harassment training tomorrow, we don’t want to be hungover.
Beverly: Dana, I let you come with because you asked to and I’m nice. Don't make me make you go back to your car. They are going to kill me if you talk about work tonight. It’s bad enough DeAnna is here.
DeAnna: I did nothing!
Frances: You brought that face, voice and personality, that’s enough.
Greg: Wow, look at the sunset! You only see that natural beauty here in paradise.
Frances: We live at the beach, I’ve seen many a nice sunset. What I haven’t seen is some of that good Napa wine going down my throat. Where’s that?
Jane: The waiter is right there, call for him!
DeAnna: A sommelier.
Jane: Bless you.
DeAnna: I don’t expect you guys to have high standards, but surely they have to be higher than this!
Beverly: Sorry, DeAnna, we don’t hire based on who knows all the fine wine words.
Marcia: Or based on who knows any words, as Jane’s vocabulary is limited to about a hundred words.
One hour later…
Frances: Another round!
Greg: Honey, maybe we should eat something first. Pizza?
Frances: Is Napa known for their pizza, Greg?
Greg: No, honey.
Marcia: I must say, tonight has gone better than last night. This is a much more manageable drinking pace for me.
Beverly: Frances can complain all she wants, but I always enjoy these company retreats. Not so much that this one was necessitated by allegations of sexual harassment, but the trip has been nice! I feel like I’ve gotten to bond with all of you even more these past few days. Even you, DeAnna.
DeAnna: You’ve gotten to finally see my fun side. Vacation brings it out.
Frances: It sure brought it out in Aspen.
DeAnna: It’s not vacation if it’s in the cold.
Frances: Greg, you were right. This is a very nice view. I quite enjoy it. I’d even go so far as to say that I enjoy Napa, beyond just the wine. Dana, this was a nice place to do a company retreat. I don’t know why you’d pick a place known only for their alcohol for a work summit, but I’m glad you did.
Dana: Like I said, I’m fun.
Marcia: It’s such a shame we have to spend tomorrow learning about sexual harassment.
Frances: at least we aren’t spending it getting a cooking lesson from DeAnna!
DeAnna: That was a low blow!
Frances: Some would say not low enough.
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
