Frances in the Kitchen Season 4 Episode 2 - Easter in the Kitchen

Frances in the Kitchen Season 4 Episode 2
Easter in the Kitchen

Frances is hosting a dinner at her house with her family and friends.

Jane: I forgot you had such a nice house, Frances!

Frances: You lived here for, like, half of a year.

Marcia: And you expect her to remember that? She has the memory of a goldfish.

Greg: We appreciate the compliment, Jane. It’s always nice to have you here.

Louise: Honey, you can take a plate. You don’t have to hold four deviled eggs in your hands at once.

Jane: I don’t mind. It’s a nice challenge.

Louise: A challenge that will end with eggs all over Frances’s carpet.

Greg: Oh, Louise, it’s Easter! A little egg on the floor is to be expected.

Louise: Easter is over two weeks away, if we want to get technical.

Marcia: Egg on the floor is better than egg on your face.

Beverly: You know, speaking of Easter -

Frances: No! We aren’t talking about this.

Beverly: You don’t even know what I was going to say. Maybe I was going to ask if I could come to your family’s Easter celebration.

Frances: You weren’t. You’ve done Christmas with us before, you’d never subject yourself to that again.

Beverly: Okay, fine. I was going to remind you that we have the big Easter special coming up this week. Have you thought of any ideas for it? Charlie and Dana really want to go all-out with it this year.

Frances: And there it is! You know how much I hate doing to Easter show, I don’t know why you don’t just take the reins.

Beverly: For one, it’s not Beverly in the Kitchen. No one cares what recipes I make for Easter.

Jimmy: How could you hate doing a show celebrating Easter? Easter is a top five holiday!

Frances: Easter is great, I love it, I just think Easter specials of cooking shows are an abomination.

Marcia: She’s just mad the network made her wear rabbit ears last year. Jane didn’t complain about having to wear a whole Easter Bunny costume!

Jane: That was fun!

Frances: It’s not just the ears. The whole thing is stressful! You have to make a menu that fits the spirit of the day and the season. Halloween is easy to do, we all know fall cuisine. Christmas is even easier, the holiday has so many food traditions. What am I supposed to make on Easter? A ham? I don’t like ham. Sometimes I just wish I were Jewish.

Beverly: You think Passover is any less complicated?

Frances: I have no idea. I’m not Jewish!

Jane: It’s not. I tried it once, it was hard.

Louise: Did she just say she “tried” being Jewish once?

Lauren: I think it’s just Passover that she tried. Maybe she was invited by a friend.

Jane: No, I was Jewish for a few months in college.

Lauren: Yeah, that’s too much for us to unpack right now.

Frances: Every year, I go crazy trying to put something together for the Easter show. What’s the good in it?

Beverly: It’s one of our highest-rated shows of the year. People love holiday specials.

Frances: This is why I hate people.

Marcia: What if you let me ho-

Frances: No. Absolutely not.

Marcia: You took pleasure in saying that, didn’t you?

Frances: A bit.

Marcia: Then I don’t feel bad about taking pleasure in watching you agonize over this Easter special.

Jimmy: Ladies, ladies! This is a stupid thing to argue about, knock it the heck off. It’s ruining the lovely party!

Frances: It’s easy for you to call it stupid, you don’t have anything to do with the production of the show. Hell, you don’t have anything to do with producing our family Easter celebration. You have no clue how stressful it is.

Louise: I can take some of the stress off your hands, if you want.

Beverly: Louise in the Kitchen… has a nice ring to it, no?

Marcia: If that happens, I quit.

Jane: Wow, what did Louise ever do to you?

Marcia: I’m just tired of being ignored and passed over, is all.

Louise: I don’t want to host the show.

Lauren: My mom is not delusional, she knows she doesn’t have the stage presence to host a TV show.

Louise: We’ll talk about that snide remark later. Frances, I want to help you out by hosting Easter this year and handling the food. It’ll be a nice way to break in the new place.

Lauren: I could help, too. Anything to lighten the load for you.

Frances: That’s very sweet, and I appreciate it, but are you really sure you want to do that? It’s a lot of work.

Louise: I’m happy to. You do enough.

Frances: You’re being uncharacteristically nice. What did you do? This has to be a distraction from something.

Louise: I’m just doing the Christian thing to do at this holy time.

Jimmy: Since when are you reli-

Louise: Can it!

Jimmy: Will do, devoted follower of Jesus.

Frances: I’d be happy to let you take it on this year. It’ll greatly reduce my stress over this dumb Easter special.

Greg: I’m glad that’s solved. Can we play charades now?

Frances: Give us some time to talk, man! We spent all that time bickering about Easter, we have to catch up on things first.

Greg: I wasnt’ the one who started talking about Easter. Why am I being punished?

Jimmy: I’ll play charades with you while we wait for all o em to be ready.

Jane: I’ll play, too!

Jimmy: She can be on your team.

Later the next week…

Dana: Okay, girls! Big show today, what do you have for me?

Beverly: Where is Charlie?

Dana: He’s on vacation, he’ll be back soon. Something wrong with that?

Beverly: Nope! It’s just a surprising amount to be seeing you.

Dana: That’s your fault, you make your set far too fun.

Marcia: Is it normal for a network head to spend quite so much time supervising the sets of their shows? Don’t you have people for that? And didn’t you have meetings to attend?

Dana: I take a hands-on approach. You have to build relationships wit your employees if you expect them to do their best work for you.

Marcia: Do you hear something?

DeAnna: I was just saying that your hair looks different today. That’s all! I didn’t comment negatively or positively.

Frances: You knew what you were doing.

Beverly: It’s just the squawking hens, here on their reunion tour. 

Marcia: I wish I could burn down the house. With them in it. They turn me into a psycho Killer.

Beverly: Why are you naming Talking Heads songs?

Marcia: I thought you were doing a play on the na - never mind.

Frances: You knew I got a bad haircut and that I’d feel bad about it and you decided to rub it in. You push my buttons more than anyone I’ve ever known.

DeAnna: You are touchy today!

Jane: Stop! Both of you! I can’t take it anymore, it’s too early for this fighting!

DeAnna: Why does she think she gets to boss me around? She’s nothing to me.

Frances: She’s just trying to bring peace, you bitch!

Jane: Hi Dana!

Frances: Oh, Dana! Hello!

DeAnna: This was a performance piece. We don’t actually do this and mean it, we just wanted to give you a show.

Dana: I, um, I don’t believe you, but I also don’t really care.

Frances: What brings you here, then, Dana?

Dana: Just here to see how the Easter special is coming along on my #1 show.

DeAnna: Why’d you come looking for me here?

Frances: She meant me, idiot.

Beverly: We never got a chance to tell her about it before you two interrupted, but we have a a heck of a show. Lots of, uh, Jesus-y things and very festive, resurrect-y stuff. Lots of pastels.

Dana: You don’t have anything planned, do you? Just playing it by ear?

Beverly:I have not been informed of the plans, no.

Dana: Charlie’s told me a lot about the old special. Can we at least expect to see an Easter bunny appearance this year?

Jane: Sure can!

Dana: At least we’ve got one detail down.

DeAnna: I have my full sh-

Dana: Frances, please tell me this episode will be filmed today.

Frances: It will be, I promise. I’ve planned it all out, I stayed up last night and finalized it myself, that’s why Beverly hasn’t heard the plans yet.

Dana: Oh, good to hear. I need to know I’ll have something to air. I suppose most of our viewers wouldn’t notice if we just air the 2012 special, but let’s not resort to that.

Frances: The reason I was late today -

DeAnna: Can you call it late if it’s the time you always come in for work anyway?

Frances: I went to the store to get what we need for the show, since it’s all last minute. I got ingredients for lamb and homemade mint jelly, homemade chocolate peanut butter eggs, crab cakes, scalloped potatoes, and princess cake. Since I’m not making an Easter dinner for my family this year, I have the energy to recreate the traditional family meal for the show. Oh, and I got eggs to hard boil for the Easter bunny to hand out.

Marcia: I’m not a big lamb fan. Can we do ham instead?

Frances: This is why we’ve never let you host the show on your own.

Dana: All right, you guys clearly do have a game plan, and Marcia looks angry and I don't care enough to be here to help with the fallout of that. So I’m going to head out. You all have fun, deliver a great new episode for our viewers. And, happy Easter!

DeAnna: Do you want to see what I’m doing for Easter now?

Dana: No, I trust you. I wouldn’t want to take up your precious time.

DeAnna: You sure? It’ll only take a minute.

Beverly: Take the damn hint, woman.

DeAnna: I guess I’m go and make my egg-shaped cupcakes all by my lonesome, then. I know when I’m unwanted.

Frances: Kay, bye!

Later that day…

Frances: All right, folks, now that we’ve prepared our lamb, we’ll put it in the oven for about an hour and a half, and then we’ll get to work on dessert. Princess cake is -

Beverly: Cut! Frances, your phone is ringing.

Jane: It’s rung three times, actually!

Beverly: Four. Four times.

Marcia: My god, she can’t even count.

Frances: Who is this that keeps calling?

Beverly: Louise.

Frances: Four calls you say? I should take that.

Marcia: Do you want me to turn the lamb off?

Frances: Nah, leave it on. The faster it’s finished, the faster the people at the homeless shelter get a nice home cooked meal.

Marcia: Well, set-cooked meal.

Beverly hands Frances her cell phone and Frances calls Louise back.

Frances: Louise, you are officially interrupting my work. What are you calling for?

Louise: I need advice on picking out a ham.

Frances: Oh my god. Louise, you are s-

Louise: Do not say my age. I’m aware of it.

Frances: How are you incapable of picking out a ham for yourself?

Louise: You are a professional. I wanted the professional opinion.

Frances: Just get the biggest one they have. We’ll use it.

Louise: Should I get a spiral or not?

Frances: I honestly don’t really care, I don’t like ham. You get what you think works for you. I’m going to get back to work.

Louise: Wait!

Frances: You have thirty seconds and then I’m going.

Louise: Do you know any good party supply stores? I want to decorate the house nicely for the dinner.

Frances: You’re hosting Easter for the family, not a third grader’s birthday party. You don’t need party supplies.

Louise: One last question.

Frances: My god, I feel like I’m on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.

Louise: Did you ever get word on whether Jane is coming or not?

Frances: Why, will that impact whether you get a spiral ham or not?

Louise: You can be so mean.

Frances: I know.

Louise: So is she co-

Frances: She thinks so. She has to check her calendar.

Louise: Are you sure she owns a calendar?

Frances: I would bet heavily against it.

Louise: Do you know wh-

Frances: Thirty seconds are up!

Louise: One last question? Please?

Frances: Fine. I’m feeling generous today.

Louise: Do you know what side dishes Jane likes?

Frances: I don’t know. She feels like a Kraft mac and cheese kinda girl.

Louise: I’m not making that.

Frances: You better not. I’d walk out. That’s not cheese. Nor is it mac.

Louise: I’ll make some mac and cheese from scratch.

Frances: Sounds good to me. Do you wan-

Louise: No, only one more question. Remember?
Frances: Touché.

Louise: The worker in the store is giving me dirty looks for standing own the phone in front of the bin of hams. I’ll talk to you soon, bye.

Frances hangs up.

Marcia: So what was that about?

Beverly: Yeah, what necessitated four phone calls in the middle of the day on a Thursday?

Frances: I hate this stupid holiday.

Later that night, when Frances gets into bed…

Greg: So, you never told me how filming went today. In fact, you kept on changing the subject.

Frances: Yeah, I didn’t want to badmouth Louise in front of Lauren. That girl really needs to start branching out and stop eating dinner with us every night.

Greg: What does Louise have to do with work?

Frances: She interrupted my process. Everything was going so well, then she called and destroyed my momentum. Nothing went right after the break. The princess cake was dense, the peanut butter eggs were too sweet, and, worst of all, I had to put those damn bunny ears back on. Jane also dropped like a dozen hard-boiled eggs, but that was sort of funny, because at least I got to watch them slip through the fuzzy hands of her bunny costume.

Greg: That still doesn’t sound as bad as you were saying it would be.

Frances: Well, it’s hard to get any worse than last year. In comparison to that, this was a walk in the park. At least the main course was done well this time.

Greg: If it makes you feel any better, the viewers at home can’t taste the food. They don’t know if the cake is too dense or if the eggs are too sweet
Frances: That isn’t the point. The point is reliving my audience a realistic, quality product. If I’m just making them junk, then I don’t feel good about the work I do.

Greg: You do excellent work any other day of the week. You get to have one below-average showing. Any professional has an off day.

Frances: Oh, you and your positive world view. It’s so sweet, it makes me sick.

Greg: As sweet as those peanut butter eggs?

The next week, at Louise and Jimmy’s…

Frances: Wow, Louise, this is a nice spread. I didn’t think you had this in you!

Louise: Thank you?

Lauren: I made the mashed potatoes. Very proud of that fact.

Jimmy: They’re great, honey. Not terribly viscous, but that’s okay, I like my mashed potatoes thin.

Louise: Why do you know what the mashed potatoes are like? I told you not to eat any before dinner, you’ll spoil your appetite.

Jimmy: I like mashed potatoes, I don’t think that’s a crime.

Marcia: I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to bring a side, so I brought some ambrosia salad.

Frances: My god, why?

Marcia: It’s good! It was my mother’s recipe.

Greg: It wasn’t good then, either.

Frances: Marcia says she doesn’t get why she’s not entrusted with running the show and then she goes and brings ambrosia to Easter!

Louise: I like ambrosia. Thank you, Marcia.

Marcia: You are so welcome, Louise. Thank you for inviting us to dinner in your lovely home.

Jimmy: Jane, honey, that clock is a heavy antique, don’t pic-

Jane: I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to drop it!

Lauren: I’ll clean it up.

Louise: It’s fine! It’s Easter, I’m sure the clock will be resurrected soon.

Frances: I see you bought some decorations at Party City.

Louise: The house didn’t look festive enough, I had to do something.

Frances: I do think it looks good. You did a good job with it.

Louise: Also, they were from Michaels, not Party City. I’m classy.

Jimmy: We know, honey. You are the belle of every ball, a sophisticated modern woman.

Louise: Don’t you ever forget it.

Frances: I gotta thank you for putting all this together. Sure, you calling in the middle of my Easter special drove me nuts, and sort of ruined filming that day -

Louise: How d-

Frances: but knowing you were handling this really took a weight off my shoulders. You did a great job. Or, at least it looks like you did.

Marcia: I hope the food tastes as nice as your house looks.

Louise: I appreciate the kind words. I actually sort of enjoyed prepping for Easter. I don’t ever cook this much, so it was sort of fun. Also, Lauren and I got to spend quality time together. I’ve wanted to spend more time together ever since we moved.

Lauren: You moved down the street.

Louise: Doesn’t matter. It’s all different now.

Frances: If you want to do this again, you can. I’d gladly take it back up, but only if you want me to do that. Otherwise, it’s yours to do. This can be the new tradition.

Louise: Don’t you want to taste the food first?

Frances: Knowing I didn’t have to make it will make it taste great to me either way.

Jimmy: With all that said, let’s eat!

Louise: Hey, I say when we eat. Let’s eat!

Jane: When am I supposed to put the Easter Bunny costume on?

Frances: That… uh, that was last week, Jane. On the show.

Jane: Oh.

Marcia: I think you should’ve let her put it on. Could have been our post-dinner entertainment.

Frances: I’m not as cruel as you, I guess.

What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!

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