MADISON, ADAM, LINCOLN, SAM, CHASE, REAGAN, and LORENZO are all in an interrogation room. There are being questioned related to claims of campaign finance fraud.
INTERROGATOR 1
Thank you all for complying with your legal orders. Do know that there is nothing to worry about, and you will only face the punishment if you are found to have done the crime.
CHASE
I’m still not really sure what we did though.
INTERROGATOR 2
For the fifth time, we have reason to believe you all committed campaign finance fraud.
ADAM
And why is that?
INTERROGATOR 2
We have received word that you have all received campaign contributions above the legal limit.
REAGAN
Above the legal limit?! We’re incumbents who lost state representative races. We had no money to begin with.
INTERROGATOR 2
I’m just going by the word we received.
SAM
And who gave you that word?
INTERROGATOR 1
We’ll do the interrogating here.
INTERROGATOR 3
We’ve received word that you received a campaign contribution in excess of $10 million from a company referred to as SugarCity.
MADISON
That’s ridiculous, if we got $10 million we’d still be in office.
INTERROGATOR 2 [to INTERROGATOR 1 and INTERROGATOR 3]
She’s got a point.
LINCOLN
So can we go now?
LORENZO
Yeah, I think there’s been a misunderstanding here. Lorenzo’s Kitchen was bought out by SugarCity for $10 million, and I receive a lifetime supply of food from SugarCity’s Kitchen because I sold my restaurant to them. This has nothing to do with our political careers.
SAM
$10 million?! Holy crap!
INTERROGATOR 1
Everyone except Lorenzo can leave. Lorenzo, we have a few more questions for you.
LINCOLN
Lorenzo, are you okay to answer these by yourself?
INTERROGATOR 2
He is going to have to.
LINCOLN, MADISON, ADAM, CHASE, REAGAN, and SAM all leave.
LORENZO
Am I in trouble?
INTERROGATOR 1
You tell us.
LORENZO
No?
INTERROGATOR 2
You claim to have played on the Indianapolis Primitives, owned a successful restaurant in Indianapolis, and were a state representative, but we’re having trouble verifying this information. What do you have to say for yourself?
LORENZO
Well you see, I don’t play for the Primates, I sit in their bullpen.
INTERROGATOR 2
And you…get paid for that?
LORENZO
Yes Sir.
INTERROGATOR 3
Tell us about LorenzoChair.
After a long pause:
LORENZO
With all due respect Sir, I don’t think Mr. Chair is going to say anything about me.
INTERROGATOR 3
Excuse me?
LORENZO
I didn’t mean to assume the Chair’s gender, I am so sorry!
INTERROGATOR 3
Is there or is there not a program called LorenzoChair.
LORENZO
No, there is not.
INTERROGATOR 3
Yet you consider it your flagship achievement?
LORENZO
Yes I do! I should elaborate, there WAS a LorenzoChair, that was a hot mess, but I got a bill through that repealed it!
INTERROGATOR 1
Moving on, can you say you did not use any of the money given to you by SugarCity in your re-election campaign?
LORENZO
Of course I did, I’d be a fool not to! I’m a huge fan of all their products and hope everything I did in the legislature helped their business.
INTERROGATOR 2
I think that’s all the information we need.
The interrogators talk amongst themselves for a few seconds.
INTERROGATOR 1
Lorenzo, we are going to schedule a court hearing for your alleged crimes. Until then, we have a lovely county jail that we are going to place you in.
LORENZO
You’re sending me to prison?!
INTERROGATOR 1
There is no reason to be alarmed, it’s just county jail, you won’t be going to prison.
INTERROGATOR 2
You will be if you’re found guilty though!
LORENZO gets escorted to the county prison. On his way, he tells LINCOLN, MADISON, ADAM, CHASE, REAGAN, and SAM via text.
LORENZO is sitting in his county jail cell, extremely bored. Two guards approach.
GUARD 1
Get your lazy ass to the cafeteria.
LORENZO
Okay then…
GUARD 2
No talking back.
LORENZO follows other inmates to the cafeteria. Too scared to eat with anyone else, he sits alone. LORENZO looks down at his plate and immediately stands up and heads back to the kitchen.
LORENZO
Excuse me Sir?
FOOD SERVER
Yes?
LORENZO
Is this what you call food?
FOOD SERVER
Sure. You’re in jail, eat up.
LORENZO
No, I will not eat this food.
FOOD SERVER
You have no other choice.
LORENZO looks toward the inmates, silently eating their food.
LORENZO
HEY EVERYONE, WHO HERE THINKS THIS FOOD IS TERRIBLE?
Many inmates start cheering.
LORENZO goes back to the FOOD SERVER.
LORENZO
See? The food is awful. Now can I have my money back?
FOOD SERVER
Whoever told you that you needed to pay to eat here is definitely a criminal. And you, buddy, are completely out of line.
LORENZO
I will not be eating this food and that’s final.
LORENZO looks toward the rest of the inmates again.
LORENZO
HEY EVERYONE, DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND THROW YOUR FOOD—
Many inmates start throwing food at one another, starting one massive food fight.
LORENZO [to the FOOD SERVER]
I was gonna say throw your food away…
FOOD SERVER
The damage is done.
LORENZO
But I SO want to join in on this!
LORENZO grabs some food and starts throwing it at random inmates. Suddenly, every guard in the county prison shows up.
GUARD 1
ANOTHER FOOD FIGHT?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?! YOU’RE PROVIDED A MEAL TO EAT, NOW EAT YOUR FOOD! IT’S THAT SIMPLE!
Everyone goes silent.
FOOD SERVER
Let me explain this to you calmly. You have all lost your food privileges. Starting tomorrow, we’re having cotton candy three times a day. Practically impossible to throw that, and if you do, it can’t possibly hurt anyone. Plus, it’s the only thing cheaper to make than the garbage we’ve been trying to feed you.
FOOD SERVER [to GUARD 1]
Why is the new guy’s face like that?
GUARD 1
I don’t know but for the first time ever, I am SCARED.
LORENZO
COTTON CANDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FOOD SERVER
Something is definitely wrong with that guy.
GUARD 2
Should we try to get him back to his cell?
GUARD 1
You kidding? Let’s get out of here!
The guards run off, and multiple inmates cheer for LORENZO.
LORENZO is in a common area of the county jail. He sees two people playing cards and walks up to them.
LORENZO
Hey guys.
PERSON 1
Cotton Candy Man!
LORENZO
That’s me!
PERSON 2
Come on, play Go Fish with us!
LORENZO
Go Fish? I’ve played that before, it’s too hard.
PERSON 2 laughs, then realizes LORENZO is serious.
PERSON 1
So…what are you in for?
LORENZO
Something about using money I wasn’t supposed to use to run a political campaign or something like that. That’s what they tell me at least.
PERSON 1
Sounds complicated.
LORENZO
How about you?
PERSON 1
Should I tell him, Gus?
GUS
Do what you want Carl.
CARL
I am currently awaiting my trial on selling coke.
LORENZO
I love soda!
CARL
Me too! I don’t know why I’m being framed for selling drugs.
LORENZO looks at GUS.
LORENZO
How about you, what are you in here for?
GUS
Shoplifting.
LORENZO
Whoa! Hope it wasn’t SugarCity’s Kitchen!
GUS
Nope, put a packet of gum in my pocket, forgot I put it there, and didn’t pay for it. Next thing I know, cops are involved.
CARL
Come on Gus, don’t leave out the best part.
GUS
Fine. The big charge was from resisting arrest. Excuse me, I got confused.
LORENZO
You guys sound pretty innocent to me.
CARL
You think?
LORENZO
Well I’m sure this will all get figured out soon. So how long does it take for a trial anyways, a day or two?
GUS and CARL laugh.
GUS
I wish!
A guard approaches LORENZO and escorts him away.
LORENZO
Where are we going?!
GUARD
A few people are here to talk to you. You have one minute.
LORENZO gets to meet with SAM, CHASE, ADAM, MADISON, REAGAN, and LINCOLN.
LORENZO
You guys came back for me!
CHASE
We just wanted to come here and see if you’re alright.
LORENZO
I’ve made two friends and I got them to replace the food with cotton candy!
ADAM
Sounds like you’re liking it!
LORENZO
Nah, I’m ready to come home.
LINCOLN
You just got there.
MADISON
I think now would be a good time to remind you that if you lose your court hearing, you go to prison and serve a sentence for committing a crime. And whatever this place is like for you, that will be WAY worse.
REAGAN
So…did you do the crime?
LORENZO
Of course not! I think? This is all too complicated for me!
SAM
Sounds like you committed campaign finance fraud to me.
LORENZO
I did not! Or maybe I did, I don’t know!
LINCOLN
This is not good, Lorenzo.
GUARD
Time’s up!
The GUARD escorts LORENZO to his cell.