Frances, Beverly and Marcia are on the set waiting for a meeting with Dana.
Marcia: So, breakfast. That’s the topic you went with today?
Frances: We do two-hundred-and-fifty shows a year, Marcia, they can’t all be winners.
Beverly: I’ve never been able to figure out how to make a quiche, so I’m looking forward to today.
Frances: If only we could get started with the show. Why are we waiting on Dana, again?
Beverly: She wanted to discuss a promo campaign with us. She’ll do what she wants to do, anyway, so I don’t know why she bothers asking us about it.
Frances: If we don’t like what her team puts together, we could always go to Charlie and ask him to overrule her. He has the seniority, he’ll make sure Dana doesn’t embarrass me. Again.
Beverly: I don’t think she intended to pick an embarrassing picture of you for that promo, if it makes you feel any better.
Frances: DeAnna made her do it to make herself look better. We all know she’s the favorite.
Marcia: Is she? Dana does not seem to like that woman whatsoever.
Frances: No one does. DeAnna’s show costs less money, though, and Maximoff is all about maximizing profits. Therefore, she likes DeAnna more.
Beverly: Still, I don’t believe that she would willingly make her network’s big star unhappy.
DeAnna: I hear you talking about big network stars… what are you saying about me?
Frances: That this facelift isn’t as good as the last one.
DeAnna: This is all natural, Frannie.
Frances: It can’t be. God wouldn’t be cruel enough to create something so heinous to look at.
DeAnna: I’d say to take a look in the mirror yourself, but I fear it would crack.
Marcia: Ladies, ladies, you’re both hideous!
Beverly: DeAnna, for what reason do we have the pleasure to be gifted with another visit from you today?
DeAnna: I have a meeting with Dana, I don’t know where she is, I thought maybe she was punishing herself with a visit here.
Beverly: We’re waiting for her as well.
Jane: Anyone care for a coffee?
DeAnna: Wow, she’s shown up before ten! That’s practically a miracle.
Jane: My alarm went off on time this morning. Maybe it’s gone off before but I just didn’t hear it.
DeAnna: I’m done with you. Do any of the adults have any inkling of where Dana could be? Unlike Charlie, she’s always so punctual. Even if she would run late, I’d expect her to have the respect to call us to tell us.
Frances: She’s probably doing you a favor, keeping you from committing any crimes against humanity in your kitchen.
Marcia: The door is opening. Will it be the long-awaited guest? Or is it just a camera guy? Stay tuned!
Beverly: Dana! We were all getting a bit worried about you.
Frances: Yeah, what was the holdup? Lotta golf cart traffic on the lot today?
Dana: I think we should all talk in private. Could we go speak in one of your offices?
DeAnna: Does this include me or are you cancelling their show and just want it to be them in the room when you tell them?
Frances: She’s not allowed in my office, FYI.
Beverly: As I can see how upset you look and can infer that you aren’t in the mood for nonsense, I will offer up my office for us to meet in.
Dana: I appreciate that.
In Beverly’s office…
DeAnna: I have never seen this office before. It’s quite quaint, I like it.
Frances: I helped design it myself. Thank you for the compliment.
DeAnna: Really?
Beverly: No, she did nothing. Let’s let Da-
Jane: Does anyone want coffee?
Marcia: Is there a reason you think any of our minds have changed about coffee in the last five minutes?
Jane: I just wanted to feel included!
Frances: You go sit in the corner, silently. It’s what you do best.
Beverly: Dana, just push through it. They’ll shut up once you begin to speak.
Dana: I want to apologize to you all for being late to our meetings, it’s uncharacteristic of me and I know your plans have surely been impacted by them, and that’s something I don’t expect you all to except in a professional workplace.
Frances: It really is fine, we deal with far worse every day from one another.
Dana: I was later today because I got a call in my office, and I have to sh-
Jane: Do you need a tissue?
Dana: That would be great, thank you.
Jane: No problem! There’s a whole box in the corner I’ve been banished to.
Dana: Well, as I was saying, I have to share some very sad news with you all that I just received. Our beloved colleague and friend Charlie died earlier today.
Beverly: What?
Frances: Oh, you’re kidding! No!
Dana: I’m not a kidder, not about this, especially. He died in his sleep of a second, very large stroke. We’re all going to miss him around here very much, I know I will, and I’m going to leave you all to that. I have others to inform, but thought our top shows should hear it first.
Marcia: Take care of yourself, Dana.
Dana: I’ll try to, thanks.
Beverly: Call us if you need anything. I know what he meant to you.
Dana leaves.
Beverly: I just can’t believe he’s gone. Just like that. Fine one day, making plans, moving ahead in live. Dead the next, never to return.
Frances: That is what dead usually means. Not always, but mostly. They did bring The X-Files back.
Marcia: This isn’t The X-Files, Frances, he’s a person, and he’s dead.
Frances: I’m trying to lighten the mood.
DeAnna: I feel bad for Dana. She just gets that awful news and has to deal with our bickering and Jane’s idiocy.
Jane: I just asked if she wanted coffee!
DeAnna: She’s a hard-working businesswoman, you know damn well she finished her coffee before six.
Jane: At night?
DeAnna: Oh, my god.
Frances: None of us knew what happened when we
Beverly: Can we just take this time to reflect on Charlie’s life rather than bickering?
Frances: You’re right, Bev. This is an awful loss.
Beverly: He drove me nuts sometimes, but Charlie was probably the first person in this industry who ever believed in me.
Frances: It certainly wasn’t me. He introduced me to you as a potential producer of my show and I didn’t see the vision. Thankfully, you were the cheapest option and Charlie strongly urged me to go with you.
Beverly: What? I only got my job because I could be paid the least?
Frances: The price helped for sure, but I think he liked you on a personal level, too. You do also have to take into account that this was 2001, things were different then. There was so much denim. Also the sexism. But mostly the Britney denim dress.
Marcia: But back to our deceased friend… really gonna miss him. He blended in so well with the crazy. It was truly like letting one of the inmates run the asylum. Now we’ve got the warden.
Jane: Wardens don’t run asylums. Didn’t you watch that season of American Horror Story?
Marcia: Horror is not my thing, I’m pretty sure we all learn that each Halloween. Not that I’d expect you to remember as far back as Halloween.
Frances: Charlie was a fun guy. He was like a magical little sprite, down there on the floor.
DeAnna: He was only two inches shorter than me, it’s not his fault you’re a giant.
Frances: I’m a normal height!
DeAnna: Maybe for a freak show act.
Frances: This is a sad day, not a day for mockery.
DeAnna: Charlie would appreciate the jokes. He was always joking. I know because he was closest with me.
Marcia: You know, DeAnna, in your little Mary Tyler Moore Show you are our Sue Ann Nivens. You’re always around, you’ve somehow become a part of the group, and yet, no one likes you.
DeAnna: You are too kind.
Beverly: The last time I ever saw Charlie, we had a conversation about The Bachelor and I had to cut it short to buy foot cream for Earl.
Marcia: Was it worth it, though? Are Earl’s feet still all nasty?
Beverly: They’ve gotten better. Softer, less -
Frances: This day has been hard enough, I don’t need to hear about Earl’s feet.
Jane: Charlie called me “James” the last time I ever saw him. I don’t even know how that makes sense!
Frances: Have we reached the point in grief where we all talk about how we wish our last time with the deceased was better?
Marcia: Not all of us, DeAnna’s still gloating about how much more he loved her than all of us.
DeAnna: We all grieve differently.
Beverly: Speaking of grief, I think we all need the time today to just grieve and reflect on Charlie’s life. I’m going to send the crew home, no show today.
Marcia: Oh no! You can’t cancel the episode about breakfast…
DeAnna: I’m going to push ahead. There’s power in -
Marcia: No one cares, scurry back over there.
Beverly: You guys can go home also, or you can stay and we can reminisce. Your choice.
Frances: I’ll head home. I should tell my family about it, and I should also probably just get home before it really sets in and I break down. I really did care for him.
Beverly: We all did. We’re gonna miss him.
Later that day…
Louise: Ah! Frances! What are you doing home?
Frances: Louise! What are you doing in my home?
Jimmy: I’m here, too!
Frances: Of course you are. Why, though?
Lauren: I invited them over.
Frances: What are you doing in here? And are you not all supposed to be at work?
Lauren: We all happened to have today off.
Frances: Why are you spending that day in my house, where I live, and not you?
Lauren: You have the best kitchen. We were having lunch.
Frances: Do you do this often?
Lauren: No! Never!
Frances: Sure.
Louise: You never explained why you’re home early.
Frances: I live here. I don’t need to explain myself.
Jimmy: You sound agitated. Are you agitated?
Frances: It wasn't a great day, Jim. Kind of a bummer of a day, in fact.
Jimmy: That’s a shame, but look on the bright side, you got out of work nearly for some reason,. How can’t you love that?
Frances: A colleague of mine died today. That’s why I came home early.
Jimmy: Oh no, now I feel bad.
Frances: It was Charlie Holmes, my boss.
Louise: The little guy who you had here for dinner with DeAnna?
Frances: Yeah, him.
Louise: He was fun! He made DeAnna wet herself.
Frances: I think she’s just incontinent. She’s very old and decrepit.
Louise: She’s only f-
Frances: Hush.
Lauren: What happened?
Frances: He has another stroke, this time in his sleep. He recovered from the one last year, but as we know, having one stroke increases the odds of having a second.
Lauren: That’s so sad, he seemed like a really nice guy. He really supported me coming in to sub for you that day, he said I could have a great future in broadcasting if I wanted.
Frances: That was Charlie, he always had his eye on new talent, whether they could bake or not. Lord knows DeAnna can’t, but TBC has been printing cash thanks to her. Somehow.
Jimmy: How are you feeling about all this?
Frances: I’m sad, but I haven’t cried yet. It’ll hit me eventually, I think. I wish we’d gotten closer. I mean, over ten years together on the job and I barely knew him. I had him over for dinner for the first and only time less than a year ago.
Louise: Just think, the whole purpose of that meeting was to discuss how much of a screwup DeAnna is. You never would have had that one dinner with him if it weren’t for her. Everything happens for a reason.
Frances: God rest Charlie’s soul and all, but I do almost feel like that wasn’t a fair trade. One dinner for a lifetime of annoyance by DeAnna hardly feels one a one-to-one comparison.
Louise: Much like DeAnna, life’s a bitch. Fair has never accurately been used to describe it.
Jimmy: If life were fair, that sweet little leprechaun friend of yours would still be around.
Frances: You guys always know exactly what to say to not make the situation any better or worse. You just leave a person feeling exactly as sad as they were going in. It’s not that you didn’t say anything uplifting or anything upsetting, it’s just that it all manages to perfectly balance out in the end and cancel everything you’ve said out. It’s a talent.
Jimmy: Thank you, I always have found myself to be a remarkable talent.
The next day, at the studio…
Frances: God, it felt so weird driving into this place knowing Charlie was never going to be here again. He’s always been here.
Marcia: I know what you mean. I drive past his office every time I drive into the lot and it just felt, I don’t know, different. I don’t know how to grasp the fact that he’s gone.
Frances: I was saying to my family last night, and then I went to my room and just thought to myself about it, that I feel like I never really got to know him as well as I should have - and could have. He was my boss for over ten years and yet I only really knew him as a work colleague. My grief is really about losing both a work friend and the opportunity to know someone better.
Marcia: Life is a fickle beast. You never know how much time you’re going to get. That’s why I tell everyone how I feel. Brutal honesty is so important.
Frances: We’re aware.
Marcia: It’s also why I hate horror movies. I worry about death enough as it is, I don’t need to worry about it being hurried along, nor do I need to tempt fate.
Frances: Are you of the belief that watching Halloween makes a person more susceptible to a knifing?
Marcia: It tempts fate.
Frances: You have some strange thoughts in your head.
Marcia: I wouldn’t work for you if I didn’t.
Jane: I think death tends to bring out our deepest, innermost thoughts.
Frances: Ah! Where’d you come from?
Marcia: Did your alarm work again today? What is going on?
Jane: I’m getting better at hearing it! Isn’t that great?
Marcia: Um, uh… yeah.
Jane: I figured I had to get here early today to support you guys, and also to get support. It’s a very tough time.
Marcia: It definitely gets less tough with you around. Much to laugh at then.
Jane: Thank you!
Beverly: How are you guys doing, good?
Marcia: Bev, why are you wearing sunglasses inside?
Beverly: My eyes are redder than a tomato.
Marcia: I hesitate to ask this, because I don’t want Jerry to throw you in jail -
Jane: Who is Jerry?
Marcia: The governor, dear. Jerry Brown.
Jane: I thought the Terminator was the governor?
Marcia: He left office in 2011. It’s 2013.
Jane: Are you sure?
Marcia: Anyway, Bev, you high?
Beverly: I’m not high! I’ve just been crying. God, why is your first thought drugs? Do I look like a druggie to you? Do I look like I use pot?
Frances: Use pot?
Beverly: Smoke it, roll a doobie, dance with Mary Jane, chasing the dragon -
Frances: That is not what that last one means.
Beverly: burning grass, blazin’, Cheech and Chongin’, rolling in the pot, weeding the grass, going green -
Marcia: Uh, Bev -
Beverly: Hashing it out, baking, tokin’ -
Dana: What is occurring on this set?
Frances: Oh, just a little 4/20 celebration.
Beverly: Oh, my god! Dana!
Dana: Hey, as long as you aren’t actually smoking it on my set, talk about it all you want. I’m not as fun as Charlie, but I’m also not the square most people think I am.
Frances: We would never smoke it, we prefer to eat it.
Marcia: Maybe we could do a show about edibles! Beverly certainly would approve!
Beverly: Dana, they’re just pulling my leg, none of us are pot addicts.
Jane: Pot addicts? Now you’re sounding crazy.
Dana: Okay, enough talking about Mary Jane.
Marcia: Any discussion of Jane tends to be too much, if you ask me.
Beverly: Are you here because we didn't film an episode yesterday? That’s already figured out, we’re filming two episodes today.
Frances: We are?
Dana: That’s not why I’m here, actually. Some things in life are more important than work, I realize that.
Marcia: Are you sure you’re our Dana?
Dana: Sometimes things happen that make you realize what is most important in life. It’s not work, even if work is important. I’m here because Charlie’s husband asked me to invite all of you to Charlie’s funeral. It’s on Saturday, and we all know he would have wanted you all to be there.
Jane: Does this include me?
Dana: Yes, James.
Jane: I’m touched.
Beverly: Tell him we’ll all be there, and we’re very grateful for the invite.
Marcia: I hate funerals. I’ll go, but I’m gonna be a mess. I’m even a mess when I watch fake funerals on TV, like the Queen Mother’s.
Frances: Marcia, do you think the the Queen Mother was a TV character?
Marcia: Yeah. She was, wasn’t she?
Frances: No, the Royal Family are real people, Marcia. For some reason.
Dana: I’ll let you guys get to work. I just wanted you all to know about that. Forget filming two episodes, by the way. We’re all going to ease into this together, we can reduce your normal output a bit, we’ll air a repeat sometime next week.
Frances: I have a dumb question.
Beverly: She’s used to those, she works with us.
Marcia: I’ve made you a much meaner person over the years. I’m proud of myself.
Frances: Would it be okay we did a tribute to Charlie on one of our shows? Maybe I can do an episode about preparing for a funeral? Is that tacky?
Dana: He would have loved an episode about making food for his funeral. I think it’s a great idea, just the right amount of tacky.
Frances: I’m glad you like it!
Marcia: Now we don’t have to do the breakfast episode!
Dana: He was excited about that one!
Marcia: He was?
Dana: He wanted to learn how to make a good breakfast quiche.
Beverly: So do I!
Frances: Looks like we’re doing it after all!
Saturday, at Charlie’s funeral…
Beverly: Well, it’s really sunk in now. It feels real.
Greg: You guys have all been remarkably strong through this.
Marcia: Don’t give us too much credit, we haven’t gotten through the service yet. And it was a closed casket, so we didn’t have to see him. That would’ve been a real test of our emotional strength.
Frances: Did you guys know Charlie was the first openly gay network executive?
Marcia: Oh boy, she’s flipping through the leaflet. Tears are on the way.
Frances: I didn’t realize he lived such an accomplished life. I always just knew him as my little boss who made me laugh and drove me nuts.
Beverly: He didn’t like to brag about himself. He was very humble.
DeAnna: Much like me.
Beverly: Yes, DeAnna, exactly like you.
Marcia: Shh, it’s starting.
Greg: Why is that lady standing up there? Don’t they have a priest?
Frances: That’s Dana.
Marcia: Shh!
Beverly: Has anyone seen Jane?
Frances: They put her all the way in the back.
Beverly: Oh, there she is. And she's waving, how funeral-appropriate.
Dana: Everyone, thank you for coming to pay tribute to our dear Charlie. I’ve been asked to speak a bit by Charlie’s family before turning it over to Pastor Mark. Charlie was a great friend and mentor to me who truly saw a human side to me that few others did. He saw the best in all of us, that’s what made him so special. He was a good, decent man, who spread joy to all who were blessed to know him.
Frances (sobbing): I’m so sad!
Greg: I know, let it out.
Marcia (sobbing): I’m sad, too!
Beverly (sobbing): You’re gonna make me cry now!
DeAnna: What a bunch of freaks.
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
