Marietta Season 5 Episode 21 - What a Dump!

Marietta Season 5, Episode 21
What a Dump!

Marietta walks into the office.

Marietta: I am so nervous, I can’t think straight. When is Marks supposed to deliver this report?

Amy: All he said was that it’s coming this morning sometime. We don’t know when this morning.

Tammy: Knowing him, he’ll drop it at eleven fifty-five. Drag it out as long as possible just to torture us.

Henrietta: We really don’t know all that much about him, I don’t know if he’s doing anything purposely malicious. He’s just doing his job.

Marietta: He did say he’s disgusted by me, I don’t know if he’s necessarily on my side here.

Amy: Never in a million years did I think I would be anxiously awaiting some city attorney’s report on whether someone committed a criminal act of campaign finance violation. It’s not exactly the most riveting situation.

Marietta: I know, it’s how I can tell you really care about me. You’re actually worried I might be imprisoned.

Tammy: We’ve never really discussed the possibility that Ron Marks inducts her. What would we do about the campaign if he does?

Marietta: You guys keep on fighting. If Governor Edwards could openly admit to being a crook and still get elected back in the 90s, I can survive this.

Amy: Okay, she’s going down swinging. I like that.

Tammy: We don’t know yet if she’s going down at all. The report could be good for her. After all, we all know she didn’t do it.

Amy: Yes, because you did.

Tammy: Yes, and I cooperated with him and told him it was my oversight. Whether he chooses to believe that is not up to me.

Henrietta: Do we have any idea which way the wind is blowing on this? Has he mentioned anything to the city council?

Marietta: I haven’t asked Marissa about it, and I can’t ask Moira while her and Milton are on their extended honeymoon. I think he’s been very tight-lipped on it, though, he’s not too chatty.

Henrietta: Ah, well. I guess we’ll find out soon enough.

Amy: We should do something to distract ourselves. Obsessing over it isn’t going to make the report come in any sooner. Have we considered doing our work?

Marietta: Why would we ever do that?

Henrietta: You guys aren’t gonna like this…

Marietta: Did Marks indict me?

Henrietta: No, he’s just pushing the announcement back to tomorrow. He claims there’s a “filing error.”

Tammy: He’s scared of the uprising that he knows is about to occur in opposition to this tyrannical witch hunt.

Amy: Not sure why, but I feel like that isn’t why he’s pushing it back.

Marietta: Yeah, I’d have to have actual supporters for that to be true. We all know that I do not, as evidence by the poll numbers.

Tammy: Either way, this gives us an extra day to plan our response to the report. Whether it’s good for us or bad, we have to be ready to capitalize on this moment. All eyes are on us, and the election is in a month. This is one of our last chances to make our pitch to the voters. All the news shows in town are going to want to be the ones to broadcast your first interview post-report.

Marietta: So you want to rehearse an interview? How do we do that accurately when we don’t even know what the report will say?

Tammy: I don’t know, you’re the politician here.

Henrietta: ARen’t all three of you extremely veteran politicians?

Amy: You make us sound old when you say it that way. You might as well have just called us “seasoned.”

Tammy: We can’t coach you on the specifics, but you can formulate general responses based on whether he clears you of wrongdoing or gives or a slap on the wrist or throws the book at you. It beats going in fully unprepared.

Marietta: Okay, I have no opposition to that plan. I do, however, think we should focus first on getting some work done during the work day. Let’s do campaign stuff later. I’m too exhausted to think about it. What do I have to do today as mayor?

Amy: The city’s reopening a sewage plant and they’ve asked you to attend the grand re-opening!

Marietta: All right, interview prep it is!

Later that night, at Martin and Patty Lynn’s…

Patty Lynn: Honey, how are you? I know how anxious you were for that report and now you have to wait even longer.

Kathleen: I know a spiteful bastard when I see one. That is one spiteful bastard. This delay is purposeful torture.

Marietta: Thank you both for reminding me of something I had just forgotten.

Patty Lynn: I’m sorry, sweetie. Between being unable to get in contact with Milton and these potential criminal charges against you, I’ve spent so much of this week absolutely terrified for my children. I don’t even know what to do with myself. I had to check on you to make sure you’re coping with it better than I am.

Marietta: I’m making the best of it. There’s nothing I can do about it now, so it’s best to focus on other things. I have no way to know what Ron Marks is going to say until he actually says it.

Martin: I’ve tried telling the same to your mother, she doesn’t seem to understand it too well. 

Patty Lynn: I understand what you mean by it, it’s just that it doesn’t stop me from dwelling on it. I love my daughter, I hate to see her struggling, I can’t help it.

Sarah: Wait, what was it that you were saying about being unable to contact dad?

Patty Lynn: He’s not returning my calls. Not the big issue right now, though.

Sarah: One of your children is MISSING and you’re not concerned?

Patty Lynn: I was, but Kathleen said something that really put an end to the panic.

Sarah: What was that? I would’ve thought you’d have flown directly to Hawaii to find him yourself.

Kathleen: I said that we’d have heard about it in the news by now if a US Senator was missing, so he’s probably just ignoring all of us because he’s on his honeymoon and we’re all very annoying.

Sarah: That’s a pretty good way to look at it, I guess you’re right. We are very annoying.

Patty Lynn: Back to the subject of the Marks investigation, who ever heard of a politician being held accountable campaign finance violations? Why are you being held to such a different standard?

Kathleen: You’re so worried about Marietta’s  legal trouble, you haven’t even mentioned that I have to go to court tomorrow for the final ruling on my DUI case.

Patty Lynn: That’s tomorrow? I forgot entirely.

Kathleen: Of course you did.

Marietta: Isn’t this a little long for a DUI case to be pending?

Kathleen: I really fought it hard. Went to trial and everything over it.

Marietta: How have I not heard about this?

Kathleen: I was told to keep it from you so as to avoid stressing you any further.

Martin: I was not part of that agreement, sadly. I’ve had to hear all about it.

Marietta: I certainly comment you for the performance, I never knew.

Kathleen: I think I’m getting off, too. The judge likes me, so does the jury.

Martin: She is very obviously not getting off, the jury deliberated for ten minutes. The only reason the verdict wasn’t read today was because the judge wanted to focus on more important cases after lunch.

Kathleen: My innocence was so apparent, they all saw it instantly.

Patty Lynn: Why are we talking bout this? Marietta doesn’t have to stress about it. Let’s talk Ron Marks!

Marietta: We can talk about that all day, but there’s a new Survivor on tonight and I just want to get home and watch it so I can go to bed afterwards.

Sarah: You’re going to bed at eight?

Marietta: It’s been a long day. You truly don’t know struggle until you’ve had to campaign with Tammy. She is a battle-axe.

Martin: Are you going to be able to sleep, knowing this report is coming out tomorrow?

Patty Lynn: I’ve not slept in days!

Marietta: I’m going to drink my lavender tea during Survivor, then I’ll take a melatonin and allow the sleep to begin. It’s foolproof.

Martin: Are you suggesting I drug your mother?

Kathleen: I am begging you to.

Marietta: All I’m saying is it helps me, and lord knows I can use all the help I can get lately. I do not need too be laying in bed fretting about Ron Marks.

Patty Lynn: I had a dream about him last night.

Kathleen: About HIM? I’m you’re going to cheat on Martin in a dre-

Patty Lynn: A dream. Not a sex dream, just a regular dream.

Sarah: If Ron Marks is in it, isn’t it more of a nightmare?

Martin: I remember a day when you went down to the city until to force them to give Ron Marks a confirmation vote. Look where we are now.

Patty Lynn: The man’s a damn traitor. He wouldn’t have that job if it weren’t for this family.

Kathleen: Some people have no loyalty these days. It wasn’t like that back in my day. When I was in politics, favors were repaid, and we all stuck together.

Martin: Don’t mention that to Ron Marks, he’ll have Marietta arrested for a quid pro quo.

Marietta: I feel like we’ve had this conversation about Ron Marks being a traitor before.

Patty Lynn: It’s hard to not mention the word every time the man’s name comes up. It perfectly encapsulates him.

Sarah: He betrayed you, and I know that he’ll never be sorry for the way you hurt.

Marietta: And with that quotation of the wise poet Olivia Rodrigo, I think it’s time to head home.

Patty Lynn: Good luck tomorrow! Remember that I love you, no matter what happens!

Kathleen: That’s her way of saying she thinks you’re getting charged with a crime tomorrow.

Patty Lynn: I didn’t say that!

Kathleen: I read between the lines.

Marietta: Thank you, aunt Kathleen, you always know what to say to raise someone’s spirits.

The next day, in the mayor’s office…

Amy: Any minute now, Ron. Stop being a drama queen and drop the damn report.

Henrietta: Guys…

Tammy: I’m sure he’ll come out to issue the report any minute, it would be totally unlike him to delay the report.

Henrietta: Guys…

Marietta: No matter when the report comes, it’s already taken years off my life. Many years.

Amy: In that case, I guess it’s good you’re probably losing re-election. You’d die in office, since you’re already, what, seventy?

Marietta: I won’t dign-

Henrietta: Guys! The report is posted to city website!

Tammy: Well, that’s a pretty epic fumble by Marks. Finally gets his moment and he hits “post” on the city website before he gets his time in the spotlight. Oh well.

Marietta: Enough about Marks, what does his report say about me?

Henrietta: “I have been asked to inv-“

Marietta: Skip ahead, I don’t have three hours for this, this isn’t Ben-Hur.

Henrietta: “In conclusion, while Mayor Landfield acted in a way that is both deeply unprofessional and deeply incompetent whilst managing her campaign funds, I do not find gross incompetence to be a crime punishable by law. While she acted in a way that leaves me forced to question her judgment, she did not commit any criminal acts, and I am therefore not recommending any charges against her or her team.”

Amy: We did it! We got off on a technicality!

Marietta: I’m incompetent and unprofessional but not a criminal!

Tammy: Wait, none against Marietta OR her team? That means me!

Marietta: Yes, Tammy, we’re all thrilled to not be criminals.

Henrietta: Honestly, I was kind of expecting all of us to go to jail together. So this is nice.

Amy: Why would you and I go to jail? We weren’t part of this back when this happened. The worst that would’ve happened would be them hauling us into the courtroom to testify against them.

Henrietta: Yeah, well I would have perjured myself to protect them. I can’t throw them under the bus.

Amy: Oh. I could.

Tammy: That’s upsetting to hear.

Amy: I have to be honest. I love you guys, but I'm not going to jail for you.

Tammy: I wouldn’t go to jail for you, either. I guess I can’t be too mad at you, then.

Marietta: I think we’re all getting too hung up on things that don’t matter and not celebrating this huge win for us. Our biggest enemy cleared me of any wrongdoing!

Tammy: Any criminal wrongdoing. He didn’t seem too impressed by us overall.

Marietta: Thankfully, he’s just one vote. I don’t have to worry about him.

Amy: Is this really that big of a political for you? I mean, good you’re not going to jail, that wouldn’t have helped, but the best we can get from this is that it probably won’t actively hurt you any further. “I’m not technically a criminal” is not a huge selling point for anyone.

Marietta: I’m thinking we do an ad where it says “Marietta Landfield: Fully Cleared, No Criminality.” 

Amy: Why would we draw attention to it the main argument that Egerton is using against you? Even the report that clears you criticized your conduct, this is a losing issue for us.

Marietta: Then what am I supposed to say in that interview you scheduled for me during tonight’s local news?

Tammy: I think an interview where you explain yourself and take a victory lap is different than actively making this part of your campaign.

Amy: Also, we fully expected you to be indicted when we scheduled that interview. So this is a nice place to be. Maybe just make it about the campaign.

Marietta: Velma’s going to ask about the report, Amy.

Amy: Good for Velma. We got work to do today, let’s get to that. Enough worrying about that damn Ron Marks.

Later that night, Marietta and Tammy are watching a speech from Kent Egerton on the TV in the green room at the news station.

Kent: We have to look at the facts, folks. This is a city attorney appointed by the Landfield family, heavily lobbied for by the Landfield family, investigating a member of the Landfield family. Were we expecting him to not clear her? I wasn’t. Even considering all that, this man still says she’s unprofessional, she’s incompetent, we can’t trust her judgment. Maybe she’s not a criminal, I still think she is, but all that’s just as disqualifying for the office of mayor. We really want for more years of that? It’s hard to believe, but dancing with the President of Finland turned out to be the most professional she’s ever acted in her career!

Marietta: All right, enough of that.

Tammy: Yeah, I know you don’t want to be reminded that Hannele lost re-election right now.

Marietta: She was the perfect politician - smart, young, funny, gorgeous, she has fun, she lets loose. She was the Finnish me. How did she lose?

Tammy: They just weren’t ready for a girlboss president. One day.

Marietta: That wasn’t why I had to turn it off, though. I just couldn’t stand to hear his stupid, sanctimonious voice for a minute longer.

Tammy: Oh, look, you’re on!

Marietta: How do you know that?

Tammy: They just introduced you.

Marietta: The TV is off, how do you know that?

Tammy: It’s just muted.

Marietta: Oh, well, I guess I should be going

Tammy: Good luck, and, as RuPaul says, don’t eff it up.

Marietta walks out to the studio for her interview with anchor Velma BeDreaux.

Velma: Mayor Landfield, can I just thank you for stopping my for a chat with us tonight? We all know what a busy day it’s been for you, so it’s great to have you here.

Marietta: Busy? I don’t know if it’s been that busy. After all, I haven’t had to talk with my lawyer or prepare for court. I’d actually say a lot of time has been freed up on my schedule.

Velma: As we’re all aware, I'm sure, that was a reference to the report from city attorney Ron Marks that was release today, where he declined to charge you. What was your feeling when you heard the news?

Marietta: This is a boring answer, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was relieved. I knew I was innocent, I knew I wasn’t a criminal, but a lot of this race has been about me, in fact, being a criminal, which is a lie. You don’t see me calling Kent Egerton a criminal just because his company was accused of defrauding investors. I didn’t, but since a court found that the company did, indeed, do that under his leadership, I could have! So, yes, I was relieved to have my good name returned to me so we can all just move on from this.

Velma: A lot of thoughts there, and we’ll come back to the point you made about Kent Egerton.

Marietta: I’d be thrilled to. I’m always willing to discuss the corruption of my opponents that accuse me of corruption.

Velma: First, though, I do want to touch on some of the criticisms Ron Marks had for you in the report.

Marietta: I’d really rather talk about Kent Egerton being crooked, but sure. We can talk about Marks some more.

Velma: Ron Marks called your conduct “unprofessional” and “deeply incompetent” and questioned your judgment. What are your thoughts on that assessment?

Marietta: I’d say that they’re the words of someone who went into a case with their mind set on one outcome and then he found out some facts and he had to face some uncomfortable truths. He told me months ago he only takes on cases he can win, and I think he had some sour grapes over this case turning out to be a big load of nothing.

Velma: So you think you act in a professional manner?

Marietta: I think it would be unfair to say I don’t just because of one dumb mistake with my campaign finances.

Velma: This isn’t the first time you’ve been accused of not acting professionally, actually. Your opponents have pointed to that viral keg stand moment in 2019 and the recent incident of you partying on Bourbon Street with the Finnish President to say that you don’t take the job seriously. Would you say there’s a pattern of a lack of seriousness here?

Marietta: Uh, no. No, I would not. Those are entirely different matters from this investigation, those are just examples of a politician having fun. I know we don’t like when our politicians are having fun, but we are people, I think we should be allowed to live a little sometimes.

Velma: The Finnish President said almost the same thing, and she was just voted out of office. Do you fear that the people of New Orleans will react in the same way?

Marietta: I’m not sure how this interview has turned into an interrogation over me being some sort of a party animal, but what I’ll say is that if people want to vote me out, they can vote me out. I’ve behaved above board every step of the way.

Velma: You’re right, let’s shift back to the report. Kent Egerton says that you were granted leniency because Ron Marks was appointed by your brother. How do you assuage the fears of people in this city who may feel the same way?

Marietta: I will tell you this: Ron Marks and I have no friendship, no personal relationship of any kind. In fact, one of the first times I ever met him was when he came to my office after he took up the case and he promised me he would win, as I said earlier. He absolutely would have found me guilty if I’d done anything wrong. He clearly had no interest in paying any favors to my family or to me.

Velma: Okay! We have to head to commercial, more with Mayor Landfield after the break.

Later that night, as Martin and Patty Lynn’s…

Patty Lynn: Surprise!

Marietta: Oh, my god. You bought a cake?

Martin: I felt awkward asking them to write a celebratory note on the cake celebrating you not getting indicted so I just told them it was your birthday. I hope that’s okay.

Marietta: It’s the thought that counts, I guess.

Sarah: I’m so glad you aren’t going to jail! I can’t live here with these people 24/7.

Martin: We always could’ve sent you back to boarding school.

Sarah: Have I ever mentioned just how much I love this family?

Patty Lynn: We all knew you would get out of this, truth always prevails in the end.

Marietta: Mom, unlike you, I have a memory that lasts longer than 20 hours. I remember your panic last night, you were convinced I was getting indicted.

Patty Lynn: No, I was talking about Kathleen.

Kathleen: And she was right. They got me!

Marietta: Oh, god. What did you get, community service?

Kathleen: Worse.

Marietta: They’re sending you to jail? For one DUI?

Kathleen: No, I have to pay a fine. And they’re taking my license away for a full year!

Martin: We’ve tried to explain that that’s not worse than jail. She disagrees.

Kathleen: I worked HARD for the money.

Marietta: So, a mixed day for the Landfields in the legal department.

Kathleen: I’m still considering an appeal. The judge was clearly biased.

Sarah: I thought he liked you?

Kathleen: I was clearly wrong.

Patty Lynn: Kathleen, shush up. This isn’t your moment. We’re celebrating Marietta now! What does it feel like to be free from Ron Marks?

Marietta: Mom, I’ve been interrogated enough today. I just need a drink.

Martin: We have champagne.

Marietta: That’ll do.

What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!

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