Marietta Season 5 Episode 22 - Back to Benoit

Marietta Season 5, Episode 22
Back to Benoit

The year is 2018. Marietta is in her Senate office with Tammy, Kate and Ellie.

Kate: I haven’t liked the answer to this any other time I’ve asked, but I do think I have to ask it: Marietta, how’s the campaign going?

Marietta: It’s a tire fire, to put it mildly. I’m down twenty points. It’s over.

Ellie: Think of it this way, if the polls are off as much as they were for the primary, you’ll almost win!

Marietta: That comforts me, thank you.

Kate: Marietta, you deserve another term. You are a consummate professional and the most dedicated public servant I’ve ever met.

Marietta: Am I the only one you’ve ever met?

Kate: You are listening too much to those polls.

Marietta: Twenty-seven percent approval rating! I got double that in my last election.

Ellie: You’re running against some of the most insane, unhinged ads I’ve ever seen, and the D-trip isn’t giving you a penny to counteract them. Of course most of Louisiana believes you’re a baby-murdering practicer of human sacrifice who worships the Devil. They haven't been given any sort of rebuttal to those claims.

Marietta: You’re right, I’ve not gotten nearly enough money. Say, Tammy?

Tammy: You know I don’t have any say in how the money is delegated. They prioritize the races they think they can win.

Marietta: I am the only one currently in an election. There’s no delegating to do, it’s either give me money or stockpile it.

Tammy: Do I have to say it, honey?

Marietta: Say what, Tammy?

Tammy: They don’t think you’re going to win, and they don’t want to spend valuable resources on a doomed campaign.

Kate: Tammy!

Marietta: No, I had to hear it. It’s destined to become true in a few weeks anyway, I need some time for it to really sink in.

Kate: It is a damn shame. Betty Benoit’s not fit to shine your shoes. The woman’s a right-wing conspiracy theorist.

Marietta: That’s the problem. Louisiana apparently wants someone in office that isn’t firmly attached to our reality. That ain’t me.

Ellie: Maybe we can change the subject before this gets too depressing? I don’t like to talk about friends losing their jobs.

Tammy: Maybe we can talk about my retirement? Or does that fall under the same umbrella?

Ellie: That’s a self-imposed job loss, that’s fine.

Tammy: I am so excited to get out of here. The backstabbing is ridiculous, as is the attempts to stonewall any legislation from passing. I’ll tell ya, once this lame duck is finished, I’m never getting involved in anything political ever again. I’m not even going to a fundraiser.

Kate: You’re really that disenchanted by politics?

Tammy: Look, I was a First Lady -

Ellie: You don’t say!

Tammy: and I was a Senate Majority Leader. I’ve seen so much vitriol from people over the years, I’m just burned out. It doesn’t help that I’ve got Sherwood absolutely salivating at the thought of taking my job from me. The whole political process disgusts me.

Marietta: Is that why you stayed thirty years?

Tammy: No, I stayed thirty years because I knew I was making a difference.

Kate: It’s time for me to take up the reins now.

Tammy: Sort of. You are just going to be the minority leader, they don’t do much.

Ellie: How would you know, you never were one?

Tammy: Exactly. I held my majority for fourteen years, you know how exhausting that is?

Marietta: It’s a well-earned retirement, that’s for sure.

Ellie: So you won’t be visiting us here after you’ve gone?

Tammy: The only time I’m ever coming back here is when I die and they lay me in honor in the rotunda.

Ellie: It’s always good to dream big.

Marietta: When I die, I’m probably going to be lain in dishonor at the Louisiana state house, where people will come to throw tomatoes at my casket.

Kate: Now that’s dreamin’ big.

Marietta: Oh, girls, I’m gonna miss this.

Kate: We still have another month until the two of you go, we can have plenty of these girls’ nights before then.

Marietta: I’m supposed to spend a lot of that time campaigning.

Ellie: Is it so imperative that you campaign when you’re down twen-

Marietta: I thought you wanted to talk about something else?

Ellie: Silly me! How fast my mind wanders. Tammy, you never told us what you’re going to do in retirement, just what you aren’t doing.

Tammy: I’m going to watch TV.

Ellie: TV?

Tammy: That black box that displays pic-

Ellie: I’m aware of what television is. I just thought you of all people would have bigger plans than that.

Tammy: I’m old, I’ve worked hard, I’ve done all with my life that I’ve ever intended or wanted to. It’s time for a good rest, catch up on what I’ve missed over the years. Iv’e heard Scandal is good.

Kate: You want to watch a show about politics?

Tammy: Why not? They’re all so inaccurate anyway, might as well get a few laughs while I unwind.

Marietta: Don’t you want to spend time with your grandkids?

Tammy: Of course I do, I thought that was a given. I’m not a robot, I’ll see my family. You think I’m just going to sit there and watch Scandal all day?

Marietta: No! I figure you’d maybe watch Grace and Frankie a bit, too. They remind me of us.

Kate: It’s very clear Tammy has an ambitious retirement planned for herself. Marietta, what are you planning to do after you leave office?

Marietta: So we’ve all decided I have no chance?

Ellie: At least we’re on the same page about something. That’s not always a given!

Marietta: I have no earthly idea what I’m going to do after I’m done in the Senate. For the past five years, I was under the impression that I was getting re-elected. I’ll need more than a month to really figure out a new life plan.

Ellie: Yeah, Cheryl really screwed you over by being an absolutely terrible president.

Tammy: This is why we don’t elect presidents from Nevada. What happens there is supposed to stay there.

Marietta’s phone rings.

Ellie: Who’s the ass interrupting us?

Marietta: Dear God…

Kate: That doesn’t sound promising.

Tammy: Then it must be her campaign manager.

Marietta: It’s Betty Benoit.

Ellie: Let it ring!

Marietta: I am mildly curious what this is about. I’m going to answer.

Tammy: She’s always been a masochist.

Marietta answers her phone.

Marietta: What’s going on, Beignet?

Betty: That’s not my name and you know it, don’t get cute.

Marietta: Why are you calling? Is beating my ass in the polls not enough? Now you have to invade my personal life?

Betty: I just wanted to invite you to participate in a town hall event with me next weekend. It’s a good way to get our messages out without having to go through another debate. We’ve attacked each other enough, we should end this on a positive note.

Marietta: Positive? You’ve run ads calling for my arrest. You’ve called my Louisiana residency a sham. You’ve called me a Satan-worshipping phony Christian.

Betty: That’s all in the spirit of the campaign. Not like you’ve gone easy on me!

Marietta: I’ve only used your own words and votes against you. I haven’t called you the demon Pazuzu.

Betty: And which one of us is down twenty in all the polls?

Marietta: I will not be attending the town hall. I’ve embarrassed myself more than enough on this campaign, I’m not in the market for more opportunities to do that.

Betty: So you aren’t interested in going out on a positive note?

Marietta: Nothing I will do before the election will change the inevitable. I’ve prepared myself for it, I accept it, I’m done fighting. Including with you. I wish you the best, but I don’t have interest in taking part in any further public humiliation of myself. You have fun with it, though.

Betty: So this is it, huh?

Marietta: What’s that supposed to mean?

Betty: This is the last time we’re going to talk before the election.

Marietta: Maybe. We could always run into each other somewhere before then, not that either of us would want that.

Betty: This probably is it, though. So I wanted to thank you for the race you’ve run.

Marietta: I actually appreciate that.

Betty: You have truly been an incredible member of the team, we couldn’t be headed for such a large margin of victory without you!

Marietta:  Goodbye, Betty.

Betty: May the best woman win! Me!

Two weeks later, at Martin and Patty Lynn’s…

Patty Lynn: Honey, it is so great to have you home for Thanksgiving. It’s been much too long since you’ve celebrated it here with us.

Marietta: Being in the Senate is a very time-consuming job, I had to dedicate my energy and time to that. Lotta good that did me.

Martin: You’ve helped a lot of people. For that alone, it was all worth it, whether the voters recognize it or not. I’ve been so proud of you all these years being our voice in DC.

Marietta: You’re my dad. I think you have to say that.

Milton: He’s never said it to me.

Martin: That’s not true, I always tell you how proud I am of you.

Milton: What job do I currently hold?

Martin: Mayor!

Milton: Don’t feel proud of yourself for knowing that, that’s very base-level knowledge.

Martin: I wasn’t trying to, I just answered a question you asked.

Sarah: You know, I’m here on holiday break from school! Isn’t that exciting?

Patty Lynn: Of course, dear, we are so glad you’re here. How’s your schooling going?

Sarah: Can we talk about someone else? I’ve heard Aunt Marietta is only down eighteen points now.

Marietta: It’s a very exciting time, really. Celeste is thrilled that we’ve narrowed the gap, she says if we just keep this momentum up, and they delay the election until mid-June, we just may win this thing.

Milton: Oh no, Sarah. You broke her.

Sarah: I did nothing!

Milton: She’s doing that fake smile she only does when she’s either very upset or very angry.

Marietta: I have tried so hard and done all I could and here I am, feeling like a complete failure. I’m losing to Betty Benoit? Really? That’s how I go out?

Martin: It’s a very, very, red state, honey. You were running against the wind here no matter what, there wasn’t much you could have done to change it.

Marietta: I was leading the polls before the primary, and then I got thirty-five percent in that primary and now I’m down and out.

Martin: Sometimes the polls are just wrong. They tend to favor people with higher name recognition. That doesn’t change the fact that you’ve given this a valiant effort and run a great campaign. This just wasn't the environment for a Democrat to pull off a miracle in the deep South.

Patty Lynn: You always know just what to say, honey.

Milton: Not to me, he doesn’t! I never get pep talks like that.

Sarah: When you lose an election, he’ll give you one.

Milton: You are thirteen years old, how are you this snarky?

Patty Lynn: Ha! You have to ask that? Do you remember when you were that age?

Milton: I was very ni-

Patty: You were a menace. Our menace, but a menace nonetheless.

Marietta: I feel, like, very guilty about this being the way our family dynasty ends. Dad, you were a two-term governor, grandpa was a governor, uncle Marvin was a mayor, Milton was… whatever he was.

Milton: I was a mayor, and I am currently serving! I will still be in office after you’re done in the Senate!

Marietta: Are you sure?

Milton: Yes!

Marietta: I’m just pulling your leg, no need to be so sensitive. My goodness, it’s Thanksgiving, we’re supposed to be having fun. Do you have a complex or something?

Milton: I sometimes feel like your problems overshadow mine. I’m less important because my job is less important.

Marietta: You are mom’s favorite! It’s painfully obvious! You’re the one who stayed, I left.

Milton: And you are dad’s.

Patty Lynn: I don’t think you grasp what you’re accusing me of. I would never have a favorite.

Martin: Nor would I. I love both of you, now can we just have a nice Thanksgiving?

Marietta: I am just so miserable!

Milton: Here we go…

Sarah: She was like this the whole flight here, too.

Marietta: Come on, don’t be a snitch.

Patty Lynn: Honey, why are you crying into your mashed potatoes?

Marietta: Betty Benoit has destroyed me emotionally.

Patty Lynn: You were just joking about it a second ago, what happened?

Marietta: It’s begun to set in. It’s next weekend, mom. I get fired in nine days.

Martin: I always thought it was bull that they have runoffs on weekends. Who wants to go vote on a Saturday? This is why youth turnout is horrible in this country.

Milton: We’re the only state that does runoffs on Saturdays.

Martin: Then it’s why the youth turnout is so horrible in this state.

Marietta: Hey, maybe low turnout can help me. If all the Republicans forget to vote…

Milton: They’re the ones that never do. Well, aside from the old ones, they get distracted by Wheel. That’s a problem on our side too, though.

Patty Lynn: Honey, your value is not in the job you hold, it’s in the person you are. You are a tremendous human being, and if you do lose, it’s going to give us a chance to finally spend time together. We miss you!

Marietta: I miss you, too, and it will be nice to come home, but I can’t help but feel like my work isn’t done yet. I feel like I’m being cut down in my prime.

Milton: Life ain’t fair. We just have to make the most of what we get.

Marietta: That’s very profound, Milton. What cat poster did you read that on?

Milton: She’s back to the sarcasm, which I guess is better than the crying.

Martin: Just think of all the things we can do together when you get back home. We can make up for all that lost time!

Marietta: You guys are a good fallback plan, I guess.

Sarah: Are you guys forgetting about me? Am I going to be up in DC all alone?

Milton: You’ll have your school friends. Your aunt visiting you every once in a while was just a bonus perk, very few kids got family visits at all.

Marietta: I’ll call you, we’ll talk just as often as we do now, we just won’t see each other. It’ll be okay.

Sarah: You could still win, no?

Marietta: I don’t have a snowball’s chance in Baton Rouge.

Patty Lynn: She is Betty Benoit, she could have some sort of scandal within the next week.

Marietta: She’s laying low. Unless she posts today that she prefers unseasoned turkey to a cajun one, I don’t see a scandal popping up that can take her down.

Patty Lynn: She could do that, she’s very dumb and has bad opinions.

Martin: We should stop talking about Betty Benoit on this special day, she’s ruining the conversation. Let’s focus on the positive. We are together.

Marietta: We are.

Martin: It’s the first of many holidays we will spend together now.

Marietta: See, you’re alluding to Betty now, that’s no better than outright saying her name.

Martin: How was I alluding to her?

Sarah: Grandpa, you pretty much said aunt Marietta was going to lose.

Martin: It came out wrong.

Marietta: It’s okay. It’s just acknowledging reality, and in this case, it’s showing that it’s not all a bad thing that I’m going.

Patty Lynn: It’s going to cost us Democrats the Senate, though.

Marietta: Yeah, but look at it this way: Sheryl wasn’t passing anything with a Democratic majority, nothing’s really going to change now.

Milton: That’s a beautiful sentiment to have on this cherished holiday.

The next weekend, Marietta is on the phone with Danny…

Danny: How’s your last day of campaigning going? You making up any ground, honey?

Marietta: I, uh… still down double digits. It’s narrowed, but nothing I’m doing today is going to change the inevitable. I’m toast.

Danny: Don’t think of it as being the end, it’s just the final line in this exact chapter of your life. The next chapter may be even more exciting. You could come over here and volunteer with Kyle and me. Africa can use all the volunteers it can get.

Marietta: That would definitely be interesting, honey.

Danny: You don’t have to do it.

Marietta: Oh, thank god. I love that you want to help people, I just don’t oversees volunteerism as my life path. It’s hard work, and I’m a pampered politician.

Danny: I respect that. It’s not for everyone. Speaking of not for everyone, staying up past ten is not for me anymore. I won’t be able to stay up to see the election results. I’m sending you all the lu-

Betty: Landfield? What in the hell are you doing here?

Marietta: What are you doing here Betty?

Danny: What is happening?

Marietta: I spotted an idiot. Honey, I’ll let you go, you don’t want to hear this episode of The Real Housewives of New Orleans.

Danny: Talk soon, and good luck. I love you.

Marietta hangs up.

Marietta: Why are you campaigning here?

Betty: I’m not, I’m out for a jog. My campaign is done, I have this in the bag. I’m just clearing my head, because I’m about to be elected to the US Senate.

Marietta: Cockiness is unbecoming of a member of the world’s greatest deliberative body. You’ll learn that quickly.

Betty: You’d need to rig it in order to win. You’re crooked, but you aren’t dumb enough to send yourself to jail for electoral fraud.

Marietta: I’m clearly going to lose tonight, I’ve accepted that. That’s why I’m here.

Betty: In New Orleans? Don’t you live here, or is that a lie too?

Marietta: I’m the neighborhood I used to represent in the state house. This is where my career began in 1984, and it’s where it’s going to end tonight. I became friends with these people, and I’m taking today to thank them for all the years of support.

Betty: Are you lecturing me?

Marietta: I’m humbling you. You have bad politics, but you don’t have to be a bad person. Whether I like it or not, you’re going to be my beloved state’s voice in the Senate, a body I’ve loved serving in for two decades. I want you to be the best leader you can be. Our state will be done a disservice if our senator thinks she’s too much of a hotshot to do her best.

Betty: A senator should be confident, stand her ground, give people hell.

Marietta: Just don’t be an ass in there, okay? I can lose to a decent bowman who I disagree with on the issues. I can’t lose to an ass. Don’t embarrass us.

Betty: I’m going to try not to.

Marietta: Good luck tonight. You don’t need it, but good luck.

Betty: This was a nice conversation, actually. That’s a nice change.

Marietta: My door’s always open.

Betty: What door? You’re not going to get to keep the office.

Marietta: That’s the Betty I know.

What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!

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