Our House Season 3 Episode 17 - Our Perfect Easter

Our House Season 3, Episode 17
Our Perfect Easter

Teri: Mom, when are you guys painting your Easter eggs? Easter’s in three days, just in case you forgot.

Betty: We’re painting them when Cindy gets home from dinner. It’s gonna be fun!

Teri: I’m going to the store tonight. Guess I can’t paint eggs. Sucks for me!

Betty: We can paint eggs tomorrow if you want to.

Teri: Goodness, no. I don’t want to be a burden on you. Next year I’ll help!

Betty: Okay, sounds good.

Teri: Again, I’m so devastated. I love painting eggs with you guys so much.

Betty: I know you do, honey. I really can change it if you want to.

Karl: Betty, she doesn’t care about painting eggs. She’s just trying to make you feel like she is.

Betty: Teri, is this true?

Teri: Of course it is.

Four hours later…

Teri: I’m off to the store, guys. I’ll see you later!

Velma: You aren’t painting eggs with us?

Betty: She has to get food for Sunday’s dinner. Get this, though. She doesn’t even WANT to paint eggs. A time-honored tradition and she doesn’t even want to do it. It’s terrible!

Teri: It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with you and it’s not even that I don’t want to paint Easter eggs. You just act a certain way when holidays are involved. Everything needs to be perfect. You get upset if the eggs get messed up. It’s stressful.

Betty: I want Easter to be perfect. It’s when our lord and savior Jesus Christ was resurrected.

Cindy: Jesus didn’t care about Easter eggs, mom. That was added later.

Betty: Honoring him means honoring him correctly. I’m sorry that I’m hard on myself when I paint. I’ll try to be better. Maybe once they tell you how good I was, you’ll want to join us next year.

Teri: You do that. I’m going to buy ham. See ya!

One hour later…

Jerry: Are you going to make dinner tonight or is that not something for us to expect?

Cindy: It’s a good thing you’ve all got arms and legs. That’s really all you need to make food. There’s plenty of food in this house, make whatever your heart desires.

Betty: Shh!!! I need to focus on my egg! I’m drawing a bunny’s face on it.

Jerry: So, no dinner tonight?

Betty: I just messed up the ears! You can eat this egg, it’s garbage.

Jerry: That’s not much of a meal.

Cindy: Shut up! Go make a can of soup for yourself. Ask Ralph for help if you really need it.

Betty: I messed up another one! You guys need to relax and be quiet.

Cindy: I agree. If Jerry says one more thing about dinner when it is five o’clock and we don’t even eat until at least six to begin with, I might kill him.

Ralph: That’s not very Jesus-y of you.

Betty: Everyone be quiet! I need these eggs to be gorgeous for Jesus!

Steven: Why is everyone so upset? Did I do something?

Velma: No, Steven, you’re good. They’re only having a little spat. You just keep painting.

Steven: No one ever argued when I painted eggs with mom and dad.

Frank: That’s because we’re not crazy.

Betty: Don’t go there, Frank. It’s a war you won’t win.

Ralph: You know, you could just dip the eggs in color if you want them to be perfect.

Betty: Those would be technically perfect, but true perfection involves doing more than the bare minimum.

Velma: I just drew a smiley face on this one. That okay?

Betty: For you, that’s pretty good. I expect more of myse-

The phone rings and Betty answers.

Betty: What’s going on?

Teri: I’m at the Stop & Save and I walked straight back to meats. It’s completely empty.

Betty: Do they have turkey?

Teri: Completely empty.

Betty: Not even any roast beef?

Teri: Completely empty!

Betty: Oh no!

Karl: What’s wrong?

Betty: Teri said that Stop & Save doesn’t have any meats. No ham, no turkey, no roast beef.

Mitchell: You promised me a honey ham for Easter dinner. Are you saying we aren’t getting that?

Velma: Go back to bed! You cause me less grief there.

Mitchell: Okay, boss.

Betty: We’re going to get a ham. It’s an Easter tradition. We always have a ham, we will continue to always have a ham.

Teri: Mom! You still there?

Betty: Oh, lord, sorry. I’m here!

Teri: Can you please do me a favor and call around to other stores in the area and see if they have any hams.

Betty: I'm in the middle of painting eggs.

Teri: Do you want to eat on Easter?

Betty: That’s a silly question.

Teri: Just take a few minutes away from painting your eggs and call a few stores. Let me know who has ham as soon as you hear from them. You’re a lifesaver, thank you.

Teri hangs up.

Cindy: So, what’s going on? How are we solving the great Meat Crisis of 2021?

Betty: Teri wants me to call around and see what stores have ham in stock. This is really interrupting my egg painting. How can I make them perfect if I’m so distracted?

Ralph: How about we just call up a few stores and find a place with ham so Teri can get one and we don’t have to worry about it anymore?

Cindy: That’s a bit too logical for mom.

Betty: How about we all call a different store so we can get this done quickly?

Cindy: If that’s what it takes to end this drama and get us back on track, sure. I have a book I’d like to read so I wanna get done painting eggs that we’re going to look at for ten seconds before we crack and eat them.

Ten minutes later…

Ralph: Hamilton Grocery said they have a few hams left.

Betty: Good to know! The Saver Mart over in Short Pump also has one left. Looks like all of Central Virginia is having ham for Easter.

Velma: The Hungry Tiger is all out.

Cindy: As is Wexford’s.

Betty: Okay, so I’ll call Teri and tell her to hop on over to Hamilton Grocery. Then we can get back to eggs!

Cindy: I can hardly contain my excitement.

Meanwhile, across town, Tammi is at a store, shopping for Easter candy. She calls Frank.

Tammi: Frank, I have a question.

Frank: Fire away.

Tammi: I forgot Steven’s wish list at home. Can you read it off to me? I already bought a few movies and a game but I don’t know what candy he wants.

Frank: Okay, let me find it.

Frank walks out to the dining room.

Frank: Hey, buddy, can I ask you a question?

Steven: Yes, I like your tie dad. I think it’s cool and not ugly at all.

Frank: That’s not what I was going to ask, but thanks. I was asking where you put your Easter list.

Steven: I left it on the table in the living room. Didn’t mom take it with her to the store? Am I not going to get anything in my Easter basket?

Frank: You don’t have to worry about that. You’re getting a wonderful Easter basket. That’s why I’m asking where the list is. I have to read it to your mom.

Steven: Thank you, I was so scared that Easter was canceled.

Betty: It’s gonna be canceled if your aunt Teri doesn’t get us our ham!

Steven: Really? That’s terrible!

Frank: Not really. Easter will go on, even without ham. Your grandmother knows that very well.

Betty: It might not be canceled, but it’ll be ruined!

Cindy: Don’t be such a Debbie Downer!

Tammi: Frank! Are you still there?

Frank: Sorry honey! I forgot you were still on the phone!

Velma: Why does that keep happening today?

Tammi: Did you get the list for me?

Frank: No, but I’m about to.

Tammi: It’s all right, I have all day to just stand around.

Frank: I’m sorry. Here’s the list. He wants -

Tammi: Don’t say it in front of him!

Frank: Then give me another minute to leave the room.

Frank walks out onto the porch.

Frank: I’m outside.

Tammi: Good!

Frank: The only candy he wants is Robin Eggs.

Tammi: What the heck is a Robin Egg?

Frank: Aren’t they just Whoppers with a candy coating?

Tammi: Oh, yeah. Those things. I’ll look for ‘em. Is that really all he wants?

Frank: Apparently.

Tammi: Then I will find them. Also, I will probably get more candy than just that because that Easter basket would just look sad. For now, though, I’ll find the Robin Eggs.

Frank: Okay. I should let you get to it. Bye!

30 minutes later…

Tammi: So, Bob, if that’s even your real name, you mean to tell me that there’s no Robin Eggs in this entire store?

Bob: No, ma’am.

Tammi: Don’t call me ma’am. I’m a young and cool mom looking for something for her son’s Easter basket so he can have a perfect Easter.

Bob: I apologize.

Tammi: Thank you. You should. Now, about that candy. What happened to it? Last time I checked, Easter’s not yet passed.

Bob: We ran out of Robin Eggs today. We didn’t get a large shipment in and they sold faster than expected. Other stores could have it but we don’t. I’m sorry.

Tammi: Can I speak to a manager?

Bob: Hi.

Tammi: Oh, god…

30 minutes later, at Hamilton Grocery…

Teri: This place is called Hamilton Grocery. Where are the hams? I was told that there’s hams here!

Tammi: Aunt Teri? What are you doing here? You never shop here.

Teri: Yeah, this place is far too fancy for us. So, what are you doing here?

Tammi: You never answered me

Teri: Didn’t you hear me? I need ham.

Tammi: Don’t they have that at the, uh, lesser establishments?

Teri: No. The entire town of Lakey seems to be eating ham this Easter. Most stores are all out. You never answered me about why you’re here. You also never go to fancy grocery stores like this.

Tammi: I’m looking for candy for Steven.

Teri: What kind of candy is so special that it can only be found here?

Tammi: It’s not that the candy is special. It’s that it’s sold out everywhere else.

Teri: Everyone in town seems to be going crazy getting read for Easter. I guess lockdown robbing us of an actual Easter celebration last year kinda made everyone want to actually celebrate it this year.

Tammi: That makes sense. Though, I wish that the exact things our family wants wasn’t the same thing everyone else wants.

Teri: Our family is annoying, obviously they want what we can’t find. Now, let’s go find our stuff so they don’t whine on Sunday and get out of here.

Tammi: Sounds like a plan to me.

Two days later, on Easter morning…

Steven: Mom, wake up! Mom. It’s Easter! Mom. Wake up! Moooom!

Tammi: Steven, I hear you. I feel you hitting my arm.

Steven: Then get up!

Tammi: It’s six o’clock in the morning and this is one of my only days off.

Steven: It’s Easter!

Tammi: It isn’t Christmas. Just give it a rest for an hour or two, okay? No one else is awake.

Steven: Grandma Betty is awake.

Tammi: Of course she is. That doesn’t mean we have to be. Back to bed.

One hour later…

Steven: Mom!

Tammi: You’ve waited long enough. Let’s go…

Frank: Where are you going?

Tammi: To open his Easter presents.

Frank: Oh my gosh, I forgot that’s today. Let’s go.

Tammi: You seem so much more excited for it than I am. So much more awake, too.

Frank: It’s a holy day. Also, I went to sleep two hours before you did.

Tammi: That might explain it

In the living room…

Teri: Wow, where have you two been?

Tammi: What? It’s seven in the morning. Since when do you wake up at seven in the morning? On a weekend, no less!

Cindy: Honey… check your clock.

Steven: Grandma says it’s actually nine!

Tammi: Ohhhhh frick…

Karl: We already hid all of the Easter eggs, had breakfast and Jerry and I went to pick up Easter flowers for the ladies.

Danielle: We were about to go to the cemetery, since it didn’t seem like you two would ever get up.

Teri: We were gonna buy plots for you two, since we assumed you had died.

Velma: If anyone needs a cemetery plot, it’s my husband, who STILL won’t get out of bed.

Mitchell: I’m coming!

Tammi: We aren’t that late.

Betty: It’s almost time for me to put the ham in the oven.

Ralph: To be fair, mom likes to eat dinner at about one o’clock, so that doesn't say much.

Tammi: Can we open up our Easter stuff now? Steven’s very excited.

Steven: I’m about to burst with excitement!

Frank: Dial back your expectations a bit, son. It ain’t Christmas.

Teri: Let me get my camera!

Jerry: Why don’t you have it with you now?

Teri: Your daughter took an eternity to wake up, I wasn’t sure when I was going to need it.

Jerry: Good point.

Steven: I have three baskets here. Which am I supposed to open first?

Betty: I’m a bit biased, but the orange one is pretty great.

Tammi: The biggest one is from your father and I, and since we’re your parents, you better open that first.

Steven: I’m going to do that because you scare me.

Cindy: Whatever you do, please try to do it quickly because we need to be at church at noon. Thank god they pushed the service back two hours from the usual time because they needed time for the egg hunt.

Jerry: The lord works in mysterious ways.

Ralph: I don’t know if it’s that mysterious.

Jerry: Quiet, atheist. This is our day. You have plenty of days of your own, like Halloween and any Inauguration Day when a Democrat is inaugurated.

Ralph: Good god, you’re an idiot.

Cindy: Don’t use the lord’s name in vain! Not on this day, not on any day!

Ralph: I didn’t do anything of the sort.

Teri: Can we all just shut up and let the kid look through his basket?

Betty: Teri, take some pictures for me with my phone.

Teri: If it will shut you up, sure.

Steven: Can I look now?

Tammi: Yes!

Cindy: The blue basket is great, hurry so you can get to that.

Tammi: Mom! Shut up!

Cindy: Sorry, honey.

Steven: Mom, what are these?

Tammi: What is what?

Steven: This bag of candy. It’s the only candy in here.

Tammi: Your Robin Eggs! I got a huge bag because I know that’s what you wanted. Also because that’s the only size they had.

Betty: Oh my god! Someone found them! I couldn’t find them anywhere! It’s an Easter miracle.

Mitchell: Some would say this is the greatest miracle to ever take place on Easter.

Cindy: I will kick your blasphemous behind right out of this house.

Steven: What are these things?

Tammi: They’re the only candy you asked for for Easter.

Steven: I don’t even know what they are. Are they a hard candy? Do they taste like butterscotch?

Tammi: Frank…

Frank: What is it, honey?

Tammi: What did you do?

Frank: I didn’t do anything!

Mitchell: I think I see the problem here.

Frank: You do?

Mitchell: Yeah. You picked up someone else’s list and read it to Tammi over the phone.

Frank: How’d you even know I read a list to Tammi on the phone? I thought you were in bed.

Mitchell: I see all.

Betty: He read my list! I wrote down stuff for Karl to get me because he asked me what I wanted.

Frank: I thought it was weird that Steven wanted a personal mirror and a signed picture of Engelbert Humperdinck.

Betty: He’s so dreamy.

Ralph: He’s alive?

Teri: Frank, you idiot! Now you’ve ruined Easter for your kid. Nice going.

Betty: It’s not ruined! Grandma’s here to save it!

Cindy: Also, Easter is about more than commercialism. It’s about the celebration of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

Ralph: Shut up! We get it!

Tammi: My son still has plenty of presents to open from his mother and he’s going to do just that and he’s going to like it because I put a lot of work into this. Go on, Steven! Open!

Steven: I did while you guys were arguing.

Teri: I didn’t get any pictures!

Jerry: You’ll live.

Steven: Can we do our Easter egg hunt now?

Tammi: You know what, honey? Yes, we can.

Teri: I hope Frank didn’t somehow screw that up, too.

Danielle: He didn’t. This is Frank-proof. He’s too stupid to find any hidden eggs.

Karl: Another Easter off to a great start. Perfect, I'd say.

Betty: Oh no! I forgot to put the ham in!

Teri: Put that in now. I fought a woman for that ham. I did dark things that day. Things I regret.

Betty: Putting it in now and then it's off to the Egg hunt.

Tammi: Steven already found one of the eggs. It was just sitting out in the open.

Velma: Probably because of Frank...

Frank: It wasn't me!

What did you think of the new episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to read a new episode next week!

Who was your favorite character in Our House Season 3 Episode 17, "Our Perfect Easter?"

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