Our House Season 3 Episode 19 - Our Return to Wells

Our House Season 3, Episode 19
Our Return to Wells

Betty: Aren’t you all so glad to be back here again?

Ralph: In this vacation house that’s kinda smelly and far smaller than our actual house? No.

Velma: I’m at the beach. I’m happy.

Betty: Everyone should have the same attitude as Velma here. Be happy that we’re here! We don’t get up to Maine every week.

Teri: This is like our seventh vacation this year. I don’t even unpack my suitcase anymore.

Betty: This is Maine, though! It’s so beautiful here.

Jerry: It’s probably nicer in the summer and not in April, when it’s still in the forties and you’d die of hypothermia if you even attempted to go in the ocean.

Velma: We can’t go to the beach?

Cindy: We can. We just have to run for our lives if the waves start to rise.

Karl: Wells Beach at high tide is the single-most horrific thing I have ever witnessed.

Betty: It’s not that bad!

Karl: I didn’t even know there was a beach there the first time we went there. I thought it was pure ocean against a wall. It was scary!

Betty: It’s only like that if you go at the wrong time. The beach is usually beautiful.

Cindy: It’s April. The wrong time to go to the beach in April is always.

Teri: Since when are you such a prude? You used to swim here in April all the time as a kid.

Cindy: Then my forties came along. That changes a person.

Betty: Are y’all gonna spend this entire vacation complaining about the vacation or are you going to attempt to enjoy it?

Danielle: Yeah, I didn’t use my vacation days just to come here and hear constant complaining!

Teri: I still can’t believe you chose THIS over Cancun.

Danielle: They speak English in Maine. I didn’t have time to learn another language and I didn’t want to stick out like a fool by not knowing the native tongue.

Teri: You really think any of these bozos bothered to learn Spanish? Frank can’t even speak English!

Frank: I can so!

Teri: I don’t know if that was proper English but it sounded stupid so I’m gonna mock you for it anyway.

Tammi: I just remembered why grandma wanted to come back here!

Betty: Because we have a vacation house here?

Tammi: She probably wanted another table!

Betty: We still use that table! It’s in our living room! I did us a favor!

Cindy: Oh lord, that table. What was so special about it?

Betty: It was free! I love free things!

Mitchell: Don’t we all?

Velma: The only thing I love more than free things is -

Mitchell: It’s me. I love you too, honey.

Teri: It’s the beach. We all know it’s the beach.

Velma: Teri’s right!

Mitchell: I’m going to lay down in our room. You can bring the luggage in yourself.

Velma: I do any other time!

Two hours later…

Mitchell: Are we going anywhere today?

Velma: What? You’re asking if we’re going anywhere? You?

Mitchell: Yes. Why?

Velma: You slept while we brought our stuff in and now it’s six o’clock. No, we aren’t going anywhere.

Mitchell: It’s six o’clock? Where’s dinner?

Betty: Karl went to get something!

Cindy: Did we ever tell him what we wanted? Or where we wanted it from?

Betty: We did not.

Teri: So we sent dad into town when things are starting to close to find us dinner and he doesn’t even know what sort of food we want, or what’s open. I think we might be terrible people.

Ralph: You think? We let an elderly man drive into an unfamiliar town at night.

Tammi: Grandpa isn’t that old!

Ralph: That’s a great defense.

Betty: Your father will be fine. It takes all of five minutes to drive through town. We didn’t send him for a food run through New York.

Teri: That would be easier. They don’t roll up the sidewalks at five o’clock in New York.

Ralph: This is the only place in the world where even the bars are close by eight o’clock.

Mitchell: Does this mean I’m not getting dinner any time soon?

Velma: Just go back to bed.

Betty: I could cook something if you’re that concerned.

Teri: Dad will be back any minute with food. Plus, we don’t have any food that doesn’t come in a can. We didn’t pack anything refrigerated aside from orange juice and sandwiches for the RV ride. That’s all gone.

Betty: I can make a mean Chef Boyardee.

Teri: Dad’s getting food! You should’ve mentioned your reheating skills before he left a twenty minutes ago.

Fifteen minutes later…

Teri: Dad’s home, everyone!

Karl: Oh, my god. What a nightmare.

Betty: It was really that bad?

Karl: Half the town is shut down, and the other half is shutting down. At six o’clock on a Saturday!

Cindy: Mom would’ve reheated some canned food for us.

Karl: I think you’ll all like what I got better.

Jerry: You were gone so long, I almost went looking for you myself. What were you able to find?

Karl: Well, the donut place was open.

Steven: Yay! Donuts for dinner!

Frank: Steven, you’re not eating donuts for dinner. Right, Karl?

Karl: Of course not. I stopped in at the donut place to ask what dining establishments are still open. It was between a bunch of fast food places and a seafood restaurant.

Teri: So you got McDonald’s? I’ll take my chances with mom’s Chef Boyardee from 2006.

Karl: I got everyone a lobster roll and fries! That’s why I was gone so long.

Jerry: Lobster roll. What’s a lobster roll?

Teri: Heaven on a plate.

Karl: It’s a bunch of lobster meat, usually from the claw, placed in a hot dog bun. It’s served either plain or with butter if it’s hot or mayonnaise if it’s cold. These are hot with melted butter on the side.

Danielle: They’re so good. I can’t wait to dig in.

Velma: Mitchell’s in bed yet. Should I get him up?

Teri: Why on earth would you do that?

Velma: Good point.

The next day…

Betty: Are you guys excited?

Ralph: I swear she asks this every day.

Cindy: She basically does.

Danielle: Where are we going today? I wanted to go se that lighthouse down in York. You know, the one we took a group photo in front of for the Christmas card?

Betty: That’s on the docket for tomorrow! Today we’re heading to Marginal Way in Ogunquit. It’s a beautiful mile-long walk along the seaside and after we walk it, there’s a gorgeous shopping village we can walk through!

Ralph: I can’t recall a single time I’ve ever been excited to go walking.

Betty: Even if you get a beautiful view of the ocean?

Ralph: We all know, the only way to make a walk fun is to add in the danger of sliding off a cliff and into the ocean.

Betty: It’s fun! I promise.

Velma: I’m pretty sure that Mitchell is allergic to going on walks. This will be so fun for me to watch.

Mitchell: I’m not allergic to anything! I’m be fine.

Velma: Then what’s your excuse for not going walking with me around the neighborhood?

Mitchell: I just don’t want to.

Velma: You manage to melt even the iciest of hearts.

Frank: Teri didn’t say that Mitchell melted her heart.

Teri: Shut the hell up, Frank!

Cindy: Don’t say that word!

Teri: I know, it scares even me to say the word “Frank.”

Betty: We’re here!

Karl: Not so fast. I still have to park this thing.

Cindy: I’m sure we look very normal, the only ones in this entire town driving in a giant RV.

Jerry: Don’t worry, sweetie. Any perceptions of this family being normal will be destroyed when people see us do anything at all.

Thirty minutes later…

Teri: Mom was right. That was a nice walk.

Ralph: Speaking of mom… where’s she at?

Velma: She’s down the trail a bit with Mitchell. I’m sure no one is surprised.

Ralph: Ha! Hahaha.

Teri: The only thing I find surprising here is that Frank was able to keep up with us. I’d expect him to get lost even on the most straightforward of walking paths.

Frank: I’m not stupid, no matter how much you want me to be.

Teri: You’re not, but it annoys you so much when I call you stupid that I can’t stop doing it.

Tammi: Can you please lay off him? At least for the rest of this vacation? Let us have a nice trip without mocking people.

Teri: One more?

Tammi: Fine.

Frank: Really?

Tammi: Honey, it’s only one more. Then you’re good for five days! Be happy for whatever break you get.

Teri: Frank is the only person in the world who, when he went to his boss to request time off, not only did his boss immediately approve his request, he begged him to stay away longer.

Tammi: That one was pretty funny.

Frank: Was it?

Ralph: Yes!

Teri: Thank you! Here all week!

Ten minutes later…

Karl: I should go check on them. You guys go shopping a while, there’s so many neat little stores to see here. Betty and I used to go-

Tammi: Grandpa, they started walking away already.

Karl: Oh. Were they that uninterested in my story?

Tammi: No, they're just that interested in themselves. I was focused on your story, though. Well, focused on that and also finding my wallet so I can go buy myself that breathtaking clutch in the window over there.

Karl: I was just saying that your grandmother and I used to com-

Betty: We’re finally done! That was so beautiful.

Mitchell: Aunt Betty wanted to upload her pictures to Facebook right away. I stayed with her like a gentleman.

Betty: What? You sat down and started sobbing about how your feet hurt. I sat down with you because I felt bad for you. Speaking of feeling bad for people… Tammi, where’s your husband? Did he go off to play in traffic?

Tammi: We’re not gonna tell him about this.

Betty: About what?

Tammi: Just don’t mock him this week. You can start back up again next Sunday.

Betty: That’s gonna be hard, but I’ll try. It’s my vacation too, you know. I want to be able to do my favorite thing.

Tammi: Sunday, grandma. That’s all I ask.

Betty: I’ll try, but I promise nothing.

The next day…

Velma: Finally, reunited and it feels so good.

Mitchell: We haven’t been apart.

Velma: I mean me and the beach! I’ve missed it so much!

Mitchell: We went to Cancun about two months ago.

Velma: It’s been two long months!

Teri: I don’t know if this beach is really the paradise you’re looking for. It’s about 55 degrees outside, with a wind chill, and the beach is full of rocks.

Velma: There’s sand and water, that’s all I need.

Betty: I think it’s a nice beach! You kids certainly loved it when you were young.

Cindy: It is nice. It would be nicer if it were warm out. Or if it wasn’t windy.

Jerry: The wind is what’s fun, Cindy! That sea breeze, the smell of the salty air, it’s what I love about New England.

Cindy: You only say that because you don’t have any hair. Look at my head.

Teri: I’ve seen you look worse.

Zeke: So have I.

Teri: I was in the delivery room when you popped out. You should’ve seen her.

Cindy: We don’t need to talk about this.

Steven: Are we going to go swimming?

Karl: My god, no!

Steven: Sorry, grandpa.

Karl: Do you think I’m mad at you? I’m not mad at you! I’m just very adamant that none of us go in that water and get hypothermia.

Teri: Why did we come here in April? We own the damn house, we can come whenever we want to!

Betty: We get much higher rental fees during the in-season, we lose less money by coming here in April.

Ralph: Wouldn’t it still be better to come here at a time when we can enjoy it? Perhaps when you can go into the water without getting frostbite?

Betty: We’ll discuss that next year.

Karl: I think it would make everyone here happy to come back when it’s warmer. It’ll only cost us a little bit. We’ll come back in August next year.

Betty: We’ll discuss it.

Karl: Okay, sure. We’ll discuss it.

Teri: Mom, your teeth are chattering.

Betty: I’m f-f-f-fine. I just need a heavier jacket.

Tammi: Let’s switch. You take my jacket, it’s lined with fleece. I’ll take your windbreaker.

Cindy: Why did you think that would be enough for you? You’re always cold.

Betty: I grabbed the wrong jacket and I decided to roll with it because it’s vacation and we’re not complaining on vacation.

Danielle: This isn’t a complaint, but you told me yesterday that we’d go see the lighthouse today and now we’re at the beach and then we’re going to these shops here at beach. I don’t see there being time for the lighthouse.

Betty: I’m sorry, Danielle. I thought yesterday was Monday but today is Monday so I was off. The lighthouse has always been planned for Tuesday. We are going tomorrow, I promise.

Danielle: All rights long as we go tomorrow. I’m very excited to see it. I want to buy myself a sweatshirt there this time since I got a t-shirt last time.

Teri: Hey, Mitchell. What is your wife doing?

Mitchell: What do you mean?

Velma runs towards the family.

Velma: Guys, run! I went down to the water to stick my feet in and the water rose so quickly. It’s high tide, we need to get up those stairs before we’re pounded with water. Come on!

Teri: Velma, I believe you’re describing a wave.

Velma: No, it’s high tide like Karl was talking about days ago. It’s violent here.

Jerry: High tide doesn’t work like that. It’s much more gradual.

Betty: I do notice the water is closer to us now than before, though.

Jerry: Yes, about a foot or two. That’s how high tide works.

Velma: Can we just go?

Teri: Velma’s asking to leave the beach? Something horrible has gone wrong.

Mitchell: She’s terrified of the change of tides ever since she nearly got caught up in a riptide about fifteen years ago. Let’s just go.

Velma: Thank you, my lovely, supportive husband.

Betty: Okay, we can go. I want to shop at that cute little gift store anyway. I think we should leave Frank down here to watch the tide, though. Just to make sure it’s really rising.

Tammi: Grandma, you promised.

Betty: Hey. I said I’d try. I didn’t promise anything.

The next day…

Karl: We have made it to the lighthouse. It’s finally tomorrow!

Danielle: I see my lighthouse!

Frank: What’s so special about this lighthouse, again?

Danielle: Shut up, Frank.

Tammi: Come on!

Danielle: I promised nothing! Anyway, it has sentimental value because I also came here as a little girl with my mom. My dad was too busy working so mom took us girls to New Hampshire for the week. I was about ten.

Mitchell: Isn’t this in Maine?

Danielle: Yes, but it’s right by the New Hampshire border.

Mitchell: Oh, I get it.

Velma: That would be a first!

Betty: Oh my god, no!

Cindy: What’s wrong?

Betty: It’s starting to rain!

Teri: Mom, don’t do that to us! You’re old as the hills, for all we know you could be screaming out that you’re having a heart attack. You scared the hell out of me!

Betty: You manage to warm any heart.

Danielle: What are we going to do about the rain?

Jerry: It’s rain! When I was in Afghanistan, a bit of rain was lovely and refreshing.

Tammi: It isn’t Afghanistan, dad. It’s coastal Maine.

Jerry: In April. They’re equally horrifying.

Betty: Everyone has a jacket. We have umbrellas We’re gonna go out there and see the lighthouse and take our pictures and go shopping and do everything we were already planning to do.

Danielle: We’re going to take the Christmas card picture in the rain?

Betty: God no! We’ll find somewhere else to take it. Or we can come back here another day. It’s so close to home!

Teri: So let’s go! I can’t wait to feel the rain in my hair and see the water droplets ruin every picture I take!

Ralph: And we all know there will be many pictures taken.

Ten minutes later…

Danielle: The rain is stopping.

Betty: Everyone, get your hoods down, close up those umbrellas. I have combs if you need them. We’re taking this picture today!

Mitchell: Could I have a comb?

Velma: You barely have any hair and it looks fine.

Mitchell: It has to look perfect! People made fun of my for the last 

picture here because I have my hand on my forehead blocking the view of the sun. This is my redemption.

Betty: Here you go.

Mitchell slips on a wet rock and drops the comb. The comb bounces off the side of the cliff and into the water.

Jerry: Aren't you glad I'm bald, Cindy?

Cindy: Still no.

Teri: I’m starting to think Frank isn’t the dumbest one here.

Frank: Thank you!

Betty: Everyone get in position and say cheese!

Mitchell: I’m not standing!

Velma: Perfect!

What did you think of the new episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to read a new episode next week!

Who was your favorite character in Our House Season 3 Episode 19 "Our Return to Wells?"

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