Our House Season 3 Episode 18 - Our Awesome ’80s!

Our House Season 3, Episode 18
Our Awesome '80s!

The Bellwoods are gathered around the dinner table.

Betty: Who’s excited for Teri to turn forty in a few weeks?

Teri: Not Teri, that’s for damn sure.

Cindy: Come on, Teri. It ain’t that bad. I’ve been in my forties and loving it for seven years now!

Teri: It only took two facelifts to start loving it!

Cindy: I have never had a facelift. That is ridiculous!

Teri: I saw the pictures of you with bandages on your face. Tammi posted them on Facebook.

Cindy: Tammi did what?

Tammi: You may have been in the background during one of my pictures and I didn’t realize it.

Cindy: Now the whole world knows I’ve had a facelift!

Teri: Ha! Tammi didn’t post any pictures on Facebook!

Cindy: Damn you! This doesn’t leave this room. You hear me, Velma?

Velma: Yup! Let me delete this text, I guess.

Betty: You’re all distracting me from my point. It’s almost Teri’s birthday. We need to do something. You only turn forty once!

Teri: You only turn thirty-nine and eleven months once, you didn’t have anything for me when I turned that last week.

Betty: I get it, hitting forty is something of a sign to you that you’re getting old and still haven’t given me grandchildren and  it freaks you out.

Teri: I wasn’t thinking that at all.

Betty: Sure ya weren’t.

Teri: I wasn’t. I had my eggs frozen, I’m good to go whenever.

Danielle: You had your eggs froze? When? Last I knew, you were just considering it.

Teri: Remember when I had to work last Thursday?

Danielle: Yeah. You complained about it all night.

Teri: Those stories were from Monday. I was actually getting my eggs froze.

Betty: So you have been worrying about it! I was right!

Teri: Is that all you care about?

Betty: Of course not! I care a lot about it, though. I want you to experience the joys of motherhood.

Teri: Can we talk about something else?

Betty: Your birthday!

Teri: Sure, I’ll even talk about that to avoid this

Betty: We need to have a party.

Ralph: You didn’t have a party for my fortieth.

Cindy: She did, you just didn’t come. You had to work at the restaurant because it was Fourth of July weekend.

Ralph: I don’t know if that counts then.

Karl: It does. She worked hard. She cried a lot.

Ralph: When doesn’t she?

Karl: That’s a fair point. I didn’t think of that.

Betty: We’re having a birthday party for Teri and that is final.

Teri: Fine. I’ll have a birthday party.

Betty: That wasn’t up for debate but I’m glad you agree.

Teri: When are we having this party?

Betty: It’s dinner time, Teri. We can worry about the details when we’re done eating.

Teri: Are you joking?

One hour later…

Teri: Are we going to talk about my stupid party now?

Betty: What do you want to talk about?

Cindy: First off, she’d like to know when her birthday is.

Teri: I know when my birthday is!

Cindy: And it is…

Teri: July…

Cindy: No.

Teri: Augu-

Cindy: Wrong way.

Teri: April 2-

Cindy: Right direction, but too far.

Teri: May -

Jerry: Oh for god’s sake, it’s May 2nd!

Teri: It is?

Jerry: How do I even know your birthday but you don’t?

Cindy: You’re a good brother-in-law, that’s why!

Teri: Don’t go there.

Betty: May 2nd is in three weeks. What day of the week is that?

Steven: It’s a Sunday!

Betty: Thank you, Steven. It’s a Sunday, Teri!

Teri: I’ve been told.

Betty: I think May 1st would be a good day to have it.

Teri: Okay, cool.

Betty: You need to participate in this! Don’t just shrug and say “okay.”

Teri: Okay.

Betty: Take this seriously! What kind of theme do you want to have?

Teri: I don’t know, I like the one from Cheers.

Betty: No, silly! What do you want your party theme to be? Like, your decorations and stuff?

Tammi: Aunt Teri just gave me a great idea. She mentioned Cheers -

Betty: We’re not having her party in a bar.

Tammi: Not that!

Betty: I don’t have the money to pay Ted Danson and Rhea Perlman to fly here for the party.

Jerry: You probably have the money for Shelley Long, though.

Danielle: Leave Shelley Long alone!

Tammi: We can do an 80s party! She was born in 1981 -

Teri: God, even hearing that out loud makes me feel like one of the Golden Girls.

Tammi: We can a Golden Girls element if you want.

Danielle: No need to. She’s already got that. Me, Velma, her and Betty.

Velma: Oh my god, you’re right.

Teri: Tammi, I’m going to let you do what you want for the party. I don’t care that much. Pick the music, pick the decorations, pick the plates, pick the guests for all I care.

Jerry: Wanna invite Carlene, by any chance?

Teri: I’d rather choke to death on a wooden spoon

Tammi: See, you do care! Help me plan your party. It won’t take long, I promise.

Teri: I’ve been forced to do so much against my will regarding this party, might as well do this, too.

Tammi: Great! What kinda decorations do you want?

Teri: Zebra print, neon pink and yellow, maybe some cheetah print. That’s what I wore back then.

Tammi: How do you remember?

Teri: You’re only seven years younger than me. My memory isn’t any worse than yours. Okay, maybe slightly.

Tammi: I don’t mean it that way. I mean how do you remember what you wore when you were a little kid?

Betty: Well I have photos.

Cindy: Photos in old photo albums where they’re all polaroids that are glued to the pages and you can’t get ‘em out without ruining the pictures. Carly Simon was right. Those were the good ole’ days.

Steven: Who’s Carly Simon?

Frank: Someone old people listen to.

Steven: Like Christina Aguilera?

Teri: I keep feeling older and older today.

Tammi: I think the party’s coming together.

Teri: I told you three things!

Tammi: What, now you want to help me plan it?

Teri: No! I didn’t say that. I just wondered how it’s coming together when we’ve just started.

Tammi: My brain works quick. I don’t have any music, though. Wanna help me make a playlist?

Teri: I like Wham!

Tammi: Really?

Teri: No!

Tammi: You never know with you.

Teri: Have you ever heard me mention Wham?

Betty: You did just now.

Teri: Stay out of it, mom.

Karl: Don’t be rude to your mother. She’s cleaning up dinner while you guys talk.

Teri: Just don’t drop anything, mom. I like those plates.

Betty: Would I ever break dishes?

Ralph: Yes. That’s why I fired you from the restaurant. You broken a quarter of the dishes you came into contact with.

Betty: You stay out of it.

Tammi: Speaking of Uncle Ralph, could you make the food for the party?

Ralph: I already assumed that was the plan.

Tammi: Thank you! Now, Aunt Teri… what ‘80s music do you like?

Teri: Air Supply. Just kidding, what even is that?

Tammi: Is there any reason you won’t tell me?

Teri: I like joking!

Tammi: Can you.. stop?

Teri: Okay. I like Hall & Oates.

Tammi: For real or is this another joke?

Danielle: Oh, this is real. We sang Private Eyes together almost every day driving into work back in the day.

Teri: I won’t confirm or deny that.

Danielle: You know it’s true.

Teri: I also like Journey. Elton John, especially I’m Still Standing. That’s kinda my jam.

Betty: She danced to that song as a little kid. It was adorable!

Cindy: I used to knock her over when she would dance because it took the attention off of me.

Jerry: You were psychotic.

Cindy: I know.

Teri: I like Whitney Houston. I do get so emotional, baby.

Tammi: So you like most of the big acts.

Teri: Yeah, pretty much. I love the rock bands the most, though. Aerosmith, Van Halen, Fleetwood Mac, Bon Jovi -

Ralph: She was in love with Jon Bon Jovi.

Teri: I was n- I was. Still am. Young Bon Jovi, not the current retirement home Bon Jovi.

Velma: He’s only twenty years older than you, you know.

Teri: Yeah, that’s a big gap.

Ralph: Hear that, guys? In twenty years, we can dump Teri at Shady Meadows!

Teri: You’ll be there with me. All of you. Except Frank, they won’t let him in.

Frank: It’s because I’m youthful. Thank you.

Tammi: Okay, if you could just jot down a list of the music you want, that’d be great. Favorite bands, favorite songs by them, all that jazz.

Ralph: She loves Debby Boone!

Teri: Don’t you mention that woman’s name around me.

Mitchell: Yeah, You Light Up My Life is her favorite song.

Teri: That was from the 70s, anyway. Nice try, though.

Danielle: What’s the story here? It’s a horrendous song, but why did Debby Boone ever do besides sing it?

Mitchell: Teri got stood up to the prom in her junior year and then saw the boy she was going with was dancing with another girl. They were dancing to You Light Up My Life.

Teri: It’s still scarring. Stop talking about it.

Velma: Look on the bright side. If he dances to that song, you didn’t need him anyway.

Karl: Also, you don’t need someone who would stand you up. don’t pay him any mind.

Velma: Yeah, that too. Mainly the song thing, though.

Tammi: What kind of cake do you want?

Velma: A chocolate one, maybe some buttercream ice cream.

Tammi: Not you!

Teri: I want a chocolate peanut butter cake. Neon icing. A collage of 80s pop culture on it. Cheers and The Golden Girls like you said earlier. Those are my favorites, of course. Breakfast Club, Nine to Five, Clue, Dirty Dancing. I love Dirty Dancing. Dirty Dancing’s my favorite move.

Tammi (singing): I had the time of my life!

Betty (singing, off-pitch): And I owe it all to yoooooooouuuuuuu!!!

Ralph: Mom, stop! You sound like a cat giving birth.

Jerry: Oh, that doesn’t sound like an animal giving life. It sounds like one that’s leaving this earthly realm. Just like my ears. They’re dead now.

Betty: You know, I never claimed to be a great singer. None of you sound like Frank Sinatra, either.

Velma: I carried a watermelon!

Teri: Velma, we moved past Dirty Dancing.

Velma: I’m sorry, I couldn’t throw my quote in before Betty cut it to assault our ears. Anyway, We could have drinks and snacks inspired by movies. “I carried a watermelon” juice, Ghostbusters slime balls, you know. I’ll think of more.

Teri: That’s not terrible. Keep brainstorming.

Tammi: Okay, I just saw that it’s eight o’clock, so let’s wrap this up for today. I have a lot to work with. You just work on a guest list and a music list and write down what exactly you want on your cake. I’ll design a nice collage for it. I could’ve been a graphic designer, you know.

Mitchell: It’s eight o’clock? The Masked Singer’s on!

Betty: I think Justice O’Connor is the seashell.

Cindy: Mom, she’s ninety.

Betty: If Valerie Harper can do Dancing With the Stars with terminal brain cancer, anything’s possible.

Two weeks later…

Tammi: Hello, I’m here to pick up an order for Tammi Howerton. I went to the bakery but it’s dark and no one’s there so I came here to customer service with all these people who are trying to return opened salad.

Pamela: Didn’t you get our message?

Tammi: What message? There was a message? When?

Pamela: We left it two days ago. We can’t make your cake.

Tammi: Excuse me?

Pamela: It, uh, it isn’t feasible for us.

Tammi: What is it? Can’t make an image cake? It’s 2021, what bakery can’t make a photo cake?

Pamela: No, our oven is broken. It broke down on Tuesday and we can’t have it fixed until Monday. It uses a special part that has to be shipped in from Oregon.

Tammi: That’s great. Why didn’t you make sure I knew?

Pamela: We left a message, that’s all we could do. We had a lot of people to contact.

Tammi: What do you suppose I do? I need a cake for a party tomorrow.

Pamela: I’m sorry, I have no idea.

Tammi: I going to have to tell your manager how unhelpful you’ve been. Can I talk to them?

Pamela: Dad, someone wants to talk to you!

Tammi: Never mind.

At home…

Tammi: You guys will never believe what happened to me at the store.

Jerry: They charged you for two ice creams when you only bought one.

Karl: Someone hit you with a cart. Happens to me a lot.

Mitchell: You went to pick up Teri’s cake and it wasn’t there because their oven broke.

Tammi: How could you possibly know that?

Mitchell: I heard the message.

Tammi: You heard it and didn’t tell me?

Mitchell: I was so high, I really thought I did tell you. In fact, I thought you were there with me.

Danielle: That was me.

Tammi: Why didn’t you tell me?

Danielle: I thought you knew. I left the message on the machine. Someone else must have listened to it.

Frank: It was me.

Danielle: Of course it was you.

Tammi: Frank, I love you but I finally see why my family mocks you so much.

Frank: Ouch!

Tammi: I have one day until the party and no way to get a cake. I put everything into this party because I want to give Aunt Teri a good day and now she won’t have a cake.

Mitchell: She’ll have Ghostbusters slime balls, though! Whatever that is.

Velma: It’s honeydew cut into spheres.

Ralph: Why is so much of the cuisine melon-based?

Tammi: It’s what Velma thought of.

Velma: I did what I could. Speaking of which… I could make a cake for the party!

Tammi: You?

Velma: Yeah, me. I love baking.

Betty: You don’t have my recipe.

Velma: What about your recipe.

Teri: Mom’s making my cake.

Velma: Teri, when’d you get home?

Teri: Long enough to know that my mother is making my cake.

Betty: Yes!

Velma: What’s wrong with my cake?

Mitchell: You gotta taste hers to believe it.

Velma: Mine can be good.

Karl: Not that good.

Velma: Karl, even you? I thought someone would believe in me. I knew it wouldn’t be my husband but I thought maybe you.

Karl: She’s made that cake many times. I still cry when I eat it.

Teri: I thought Tammi was ordering one from a bakery but this is even better.

Betty: I’m gonna go to the store and get the ingredients now. It’s four o’clock, I need to hurry, but I can make it home in time to make it tonight.

Tammi: Thank you for saving me.

Betty: I’m your grandma. I’m here for you any time!

The next day…

Karl: Come on, everybody! We need to get to the party hall to get it decorated for the party!

Betty: Go without me, I’m busy!

Karl: With what?

Betty: Nothing at all!

Karl: What are you up to? You’re always up to something.

Betty: I may have… forgotten to make the icing last night.

Karl: The icing? That’s the best part.

Jerry: Guys, Betty forgot the icing!

Ralph: For shame.

Jerry: You’ll never live this one down, Betty. Getting our hopes up and stealing them away again.

Betty: I’m working on it right now! It needs an hour of refrigeration after I finish mixing it, it’ll be done in time for the party.

Jerry: Promise?

Betty: Promise.

Jerry: Good. I wouldn’t want… what’s her face’s party ruined.

Teri: I have a name.

Jerry: Which is?

Teri: Not Cindy, that’s for sure. I’d never marry… that.

Jerry: You’re nasty today.

Cindy: It’s her birthday. Let her be grumpy. Especially since we don’t yet know if we’re getting any of the icing. That’s the magic of the cake!

Velma: I never would’ve forgotten to make the icing!

Mitchell: No, you would’ve just forgotten the eggs.

Velma: I would not have!

Mitchell: Okay. The flour.

Velma: Keep it up, I’ll divorce you.

Mitchell: Oh my god, finally.

Tammi: Okay, everyone! I have all of the decorations loaded in the van, we are ready to go decorate!

Teri: Having to decorate for my own party. I feel like a peasant.

Tammi: You can stay home.

Teri: Nah. I like watching you guys. That way I get to make fun of you.

That night…

Teri: Wow, this really came together nice. We work pretty well together.

Frank: We?

Teri: This party would be perfect with one less thing at it.

Betty: I’m here, everyone! Did I miss anything?

Teri: No.

Betty: The cake is perfect. It’s my best one in years.

Teri: Put it in the kitchen. Don’t tell anyone where it is. Protect this with your life.

Betty: Will do!

Cindy: Where is Tammi? I haven’t seen her anywhere since the party started.

Betty: I saw her outside. She was bringing something in.

Tammi: Was someone talking about me? I was just bringing Aunt Teri’s present in.

Teri: You got me a present? What is it?

Tammi: I can’t tell you that! You need to open it later with your other gifts.

Teri: All right, fine. I must say, though, you did a great job planning this. I was skeptical of it because I had no desire to be reminded that I’m becoming a little old lady, but it’s such a nice party. This is enough of a gift so as it is.

Frank: Good, we can return this gift.

Tammi: Frank! No!

Frank: It was a joke.

Teri: You aren’t good at those, don’t do them.

Karl: Hey, Teri.

Teri: Oh my god, dad. What are you wearing?

Karl: I’m dressed for the 80s.

Teri: It looks like you have a poodle on your head. The rest of us all went a bit less.. extreme. You look perfect for the theme, though. Perfect and scary.

Betty: So, Teri’s 40 now -

Teri: 39 for seven more hours.

Betty: Can we party now?

Teri: Sure. Let’s party! Don’t break a hip, mom.

What did you think of the new episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to read a new episode next week!

Who was your favorite character in Our House Season 3 Episode 18 "Our Awesome '80s!?"

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