Finally Back Home Season 1 Episode 6: New Times


ANDREW
I’m not even sure what an Assistant Nurse is.

DOCTOR WHISKERS
Don’t worry about it. I don’t either.

ANDREW
What should I do then?

DOCTOR WHISKERS
Tell kids they’re fat. I mean, take their weight.

JOSH
I’m really not sure this is a good idea.

DOCTOR WHISKERS
Who said this was a good idea?

JOSH
I guess nobody.

DOCTOR WHISKERS
Look, I think we can all agree that having two waiting room entertainers is redundant.

JOSH
And having an Assistant Nurse isn’t?

ANDREW
Are you trying to get me fired, Josh?

JOSH
Okay forget I said that.

FRAN
Andrew, follow me! I can give you instructions on what to do!

ANDREW
What is it Fran?

FRAN
First off, I’m not Fran. I’m Nurse Cross.

ANDREW
No you’re not, your Fran.

FRAN
Fine. But I get to refer to myself as Nurse Cross.

ANDREW
If you insist.

FRAN
So I need you to give that kid over there an eye test.

ANDREW
Sounds easy enough.

ANDREW calls a kid from the waiting room over to do his eye test.

ANDREW
Alright kid, read me the letters I point to.

KID
E, T, E, T, E, T, E, T, E, T

ANDREW
Very good, you can see! Or, at least you can see those two letters. Follow me, Fran’s gonna tell you you’re fat.

FRAN
Are you trying to get fired?

ANDREW
I’m not sure actually. Maybe Josh was onto something by saying my position was redundant.

FRAN
It’s not actually redundant, what would I do without you?

ANDREW
Do it yourself? Or find another assistant at least.

DOCTOR WHISKERS
Andrew! This is not the type of behavior I expect from you!

ANDREW
Sorry Doctor Whis- - (holding back a laugh) Doctor.

BRIAN
What seems to be the problem here?

DOCTOR WHISKERS
Andrew isn’t being a good Assistant Nurse so far.

BRIAN
Maybe he’ll be better off helping me.

DOCTOR WHISKERS
I think you’re right.

ANDREW
Wow. OK.

ANDREW follows BRIAN back to his small office.

ANDREW
What exactly is my job?

BRIAN
Absolutely nothing.

ANDREW
What do you mean? There has to be something.

BRIAN
If someone tells me to put clown paint on you, I do it and you go out there and act like a clown.

ANDREW
Why would that ever happen?

BRIAN
I’m not sure.

ANDREW
This...might actually work for a job.

BRIAN
Look at Josh out there, trying to entertain the kids.

ANDREW
And there’s a long line to check in.

BRIAN
Want to ask Doctor Whiskers if you can be the receptionist?

ANDREW
Nah, he’ll figure it out. In the mean time, I need to get this adoption thing settled.

BRIAN
I thought he was coming home next week?

ANDREW
He is.

BRIAN
What’s there to figure out?

ANDREW
How we’ll take care of him.

BRIAN
I have an idea.

ANDREW
What is it?

BRIAN
I’ll quit my job and take care of him. I realize you need the money.

ANDREW
I would normally say no but I think I might have to let you do this.

BRIAN
I’m good with kids, I raised two of my own you know!

ANDREW
Three.

BRIAN
Yeah but I’m most proud of two of them.

ANDREW
Do I want to ask which one you’re not proud of?

BRIAN
It changes.

ANDREW
I’ll have to talk to Josh about it.

ANDREW yells to JOSH

ANDREW
Josh, can Brian take care of the kid?

JOSH [yelling back]
What kid?

ANDREW [yelling]
Our kid!

JOSH [yelling back]
The kid we’re adopting next week?

ANDREW [yelling]
Yeah! That one!

JOSH [yelling back]
Sure. We don’t have another choice.

ANDREW
Then it’s settled.

BRIAN
Great! I promise I won’t let you down! I might though. I’m not sure.

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