Bake Your Heart Out Season 1 Episode 9 - End In Sight

Bake Your Heart Out Season 1, Episode 9
End In Sight

Sam: What are you doing?
Diane: I’m just on Facebook, nothing unusual.
Sam: You were supposed to be bringing a drink over. We’re in the middle of the game.
Diane: I got a message and I felt my phone buzz! I couldn’t not check it.
Sam: What was it about?
Diane: Some rumor about an all-winners season of Survivor. Frances sent it to me. She said Bake Your Heart Out should do something similar.
Sam: You think we’ll still be around long enough to do something like that?
Diane: Of course! We’re the #1 show on TV! We’re in season nine already.
Sam: We’re in season five.
Diane: You know what I mean.
Sam: Still, there’s only gonna be nine winners when this season is over. We have twelve contestants on every season.
Diane: You think we’re not going to be on the air in a year?
Sam: I do. I just don’t think we’ll do an all-winners season so soon. That feels like something you’d do for a big anniversary season. I don’t know if we’ll make it twenty cycles.
Diane: Our show has inspired a nation. I have confidence we’ll be on the year five years down the line.
Sam: I hope you’re right. I need the paycheck. Girl’s gotta eat.
Diane: The internet says you have a net worth of twenty-nine million dollars.
Sam: And I want to get to thirty! Now, let’s get back to Monopoly. It’s long enough so as it is.
Three hours later…
Diane: Maybe it’s just the booze talking, but that was way more fun than it usually is.
Sam: I know! It was, by far, one of the most interesting games of Monopoly we’ve played.
Diane: Sam…
Sam: Why do you sound like you just witnessed a murder?
Diane: Again I’d like to express that I’m incredibly drunk.
Sam: What aren’t you?
Diane: 2016 and before. Anyway, look at this article!
Sam: What does it say?
Diane: It’s a list of the highest-paid TV stars.
Sam: Where are we on it?
Diane: Just see for yourself.
Sam: I don’t have my glasses.
Diane: Where are they?
Sam: In the other room. Let me grab them.
Diane: Here, just use mine.
Sam: Since when do you use glasses?
Diane: They’re just reading glasses. My eyes haven’t been too great lately.
Sam: Could it be all the alcohol?
Diane: That’s silly. Seriously though, read the article!
Sam: What could it possibly say tha-
Diane: That look. You just saw what I saw.
Sam: Oh god. How can this be?
Diane: How can Freddy and William be making almost twice as much as us? I don’t know, but I am about to kill someone.
Sam: This surely can not be true.
Diane: The fact that we make 380,000 bucks an episode and those two make 610,000 an episode? I think it might be.
Sam: How are those two the highest-paid people on the entire network?
Diane: It must be their huge ratings. You know, the ratings that are half of our show?
Sam: How mad are you right now?
Diane: You know the Monopoly board we were just playing on? I’m about to rip it in half. And then shove it up Paul’s a-
Sam: This can’t be right.
Diane: I’m gonna call Paul right now and quit. I’m telling you right now. You don’t get to treat two proud, outspoken women like this and expect nothing in return.
Sam: Calm down, we’re both heavily intoxicated right now. We need to sober up before we do anything drastic.
Diane: Alright. It’s almost nine o’clock, I’m gonna get to sleep right now and call Paul early tomorrow.
Sam: You do realize you’re at my house, right?
Diane: Yes, but if you think it’s a good idea for me to drive anywhere like this then I might have to rethink how much you actually like having me as your friend.
Sam: Good point. I have some pajamas if you’d like get into something more comfortable.
Diane: No, I’m good. I can sleep in my pantsuit. I’m sure Hillary Clinton does it.
Sam: Do you need a blanket?
Sam looks over at Diane.
Sam: And you’re already sleeping. On the floor.
The next morning…
Diane: Sam!
Sam: What?
Diane: Why am I laying on your floor with no pillow under me? And why am I here? And why am I awake at 6:30?
Sam: It’s a mystery to all. Seriously though, you got drunk, which is totally unlike you, and you fell asleep on my floor before it was even nine.
Diane: I had a terrible dream. Freddy & William were getting paid more than we were and I was gonna quit the show.
Sam: Yeah, I had the same dream.
Diane: That’s quite a coincidence.
Sam: I was so worried about it that I actually looked it up online a half hour ago when I woke up. And guess what? It’s reality!
Diane: No.
Sam: Yes! We really are getting screwed that hard. Not literally of course, but figuratively, we’re being absolutely hammered.
Diane: I want to go back to sleep.
Sam: You’ve already slept for nine hours.
Diane: I’d like to sleep for as many as it’ll take to make this not reality.
Sam: That’s not going to happen. We have to take action. Our contracts are up after this season. We can demand a raise.
Diane: I think we need to march right down to Paul’s office and give him a piece of our mind.
Sam: Of course we do. I think we should stop by his office today around nine. We have to give him a piece of our mind.
Diane: I have to get home to shower and put something clean on. I’ll meet you at the studio around 8:30.
Sam: Are you gonna make it home and to the studio by then? You have at least an hour of driving from here to home to the studio.
Diane: What else can I do?
Sam: I don’t know. Let’s make it ten.
Diane: Sounds better. Now, I gotta go. Meet you at 9:30.
Sam: See you then.
At the studio, at quarter after ten.
Sam: Diane, where the hell were you?
Diane: I stopped at Dunkin’ Donuts.
Sam: You stopped at Dunkin’ Donuts before our meeting even though you knew it would make you late? Who does that?
Diane: People that haven’t eaten breakfast and don’t want to be hangry.
Sam: Fine. Let’s get in there now and give Paul a piece of our mind.
In Paul’s office…
Sam: Hey buddy! Let’s talk!
Paul: You seem mad.
Diane: We are mad!
Paul: What’s it about this time? Usually I get to deal with Leslie when you two have one of your prima donna moments. Getting to see you explode in front of my face is very unusual. You aren’t even filming today so I assume you’re incredibly angry on this fine morning.
Diane: Sam and I saw something very interesting last night when I went on Facebook. There was an ad for an article about the highest-paid stars on TV. I clicked on it, curious.
Paul: Those aren’t always right, you know.
Diane: I thought the same. That’s why I’m here to ask you. Are Freddy and William really paid 230,000 dollars more per episode than Sam and I are?
Paul: I just want to start by saying that these things are always complicated. Figuring out salaries for everyone that works for our studio is not an easy task.
Sam: Oh my god, it’s true.
Paul: It is true. The leads on Freddy and William are our highest-paid stars on the network. They’ve paid quite a bit more than you. That’s just because -
Diane: That’s unacceptable! Especially those losers! Their ratings are terrible.
Paul: You two are in the middle of renegotiating your contracts, you can get a raise.
Diane: You said the network’s budget was tight and that you could only give us ten thousand more per episode.
Paul: I’ll double your raise! Twenty thousand more per episode.
Diane: That’s ridiculous!
Sam: You really expect us to accept being paid two hundred thousand dollars less than the stars of the show that’s only still alive because it airs behind our show, who have repeatedly bashed Diane and our show?
Paul: Your personal differences with Fred and William don’t impact how much we pay them. Sorry.
Sam: Do you want us to quit? It seems like you do.
Paul: Of course I don’t. I just can’t go giving away money to whoever comes into my office demanding it.
Diane: You’re just saying that to us because we’re women and you think you can pay us less. Typical male.
Paul: Alright Tina Turner, try not to pull one of those pink hats out of your purses right now. This isn’t about you being women. It’s about me not being able to be pushed around by anyone who comes into here demanding more money. If it makes you two “feminists” feel better, you’re paid more than the judges on Bake Your Heart Out. Garry is such a little weasel that can be pushed around by anyone, he’s paid a hundred grand less than you. Frances is paid 50 thousand less.
Diane: All four of us should be paid more than Freddy and William. Heck, they should be canceled.
Paul: You two are insane. Now you’re demanding more money and that I cancel one of the central shows in my lineup.
Sam: The second thing was just a suggestion, it wasn’t a demand.
Paul: You’re not getting a big raise, I’m sorry. You better accept that. Now, I have a meeting to get to so I think you two should leave.
Diane: We weren’t finished! We are the faces of your network and you’re disrespecting us! We won’t stand for this.
Paul: Ooh, I’m scared.
Diane walks over to Paul’s water cooler and fills a cup with water.
Paul: What are you doing with that?
Sam: None of your business! But seriously Diane, what are you doing?
Diane: You’ll see!
Sam: Don’t! Do! It!
Diane throws the cup of water at Paul.
Paul: What the hell?!?!
Diane: You messed with me, and it means war.
Sam: Diane!
Diane snaps out of her trance.
Diane: What happened?
Sam: You tripped getting up after telling Paul you wouldn’t stand for what he was saying. It turned out you were right since you immediately collapsed.
Diane: So I didn’t throw water on Paul?
Sam: No, you didn’t. Thank god. You were out cold for about five minutes and I guess you dreamed that.
Diane: Where’s Paul?
Sam: At a meeting. I told him to go, it was awkward.
Diane: So, what are we going to do?
Sam: About our salaries? I don’t know. I’m already called for a Bake Your Heart Out meeting. Frances and Garry are meeting us here. Leslie’s already here editing the last episode.
Diane: How long until they get here?
Sam: Probably an hour. Wanna go get lunch?
Diane: Let’s go to Olive Garden! I have a coupon!
Sam: We’re millionaires, we don’t need coupons.
Diane: We’re probably going to be unemployed soon, I’m saving up my pennies because I have three houses to pay for.
Ninety minutes later…
Frances: Where the heck have you two been?
Diane: We went for lunch. 
Frances: I’ve been waiting fifteen minutes. Who knows how long Garry’s been here.
Garry: A half hour. I watched something on Hulu on my phone while I waited.
Sam: We are very sorry, but I’m glad we’re together now. Let’s get to my dressing room, we need to talk. I guess we should get Leslie, too.
The group walks to Sam’s dressing room, pulling Leslie away from her editing duties along the way.
Leslie: Why did you need us to all meet here today?
Frances: Seriously. Mr. Snuggles and I were having a relaxing day off and then you called me in a panic. What’s up?
Sam: We found out something so horrible last night, we had to share it with you guys.
Frances: did you have to do it here?
Sam: Yes! It had to be done in person.
Leslie: What is it?
Diane: Sam and I just got back from a meeting with Paul. We met with him to confirm if a report we saw about our salaries is true. It is.
Frances: Can you just jump to the point?
Diane: My, my. You are testy today, Frances. The report said that Freddy & William are pat two under thousand dollars an episode more than Sam and I, and over double what they pay you, Garry.
Garry: That doesn’t feel right.
Sam: Because it isn’t! They pay the stars of a flop way more than the stars of their #1 show!
Diane: We have to fight this!
Leslie: I agree it’s not fair, but aren’t you guys overreacting? It’s not like you’re not well-paid. My daddy used to save his money in a coffee can and you two couldn’t fit the extra money you make in twenty coffee cans. You guys get paid about as much for two days’ work as he made in a decade!
Diane: It’s not about that. Freddy & William are overvalued and we deserve the respect that they get. A network should be able to take advantage of the stars of their #1 show like that! We tried to get him to amend this today but he won’t give us more than four hundred grand an episode while they’re getting six hundred! They just don’t respect us because we’re women.
Frances: I doubt that. They just don’t respect you because you're both insane. Just like I am and just like Garry is. You need to get a lawyer to help renegotiate your contracts. You tried to renegotiate on your own.
Sam: That is… actually a good point but they still shouldn’t be able to do this to us. I doubt he’d give us another two hundred thousand just because we had a lawyer.
Leslie: What do you really want to do about it? There’s not much you really can do.
Diane: That’s why Sam called.
Leslie: Don’t get overdramatic, please.
Sam: We’re going to leave Bake Your Heart Out. We decided it over lunch. I personally wasn’t too set on it but Diane convinced me it was the right thing to do.
Diane: You guys, please feel free to stay. We’ll still be rooting for you. It’s just the end of the line for us.
Leslie: Please don’t overreact. We can press him to give you more money. You don’t need to leave like this.
Diane: We have to take a stand. This isn’t okay. You guys are going to be fine. Bake Your Heart Out will be fine. We will be fine. Everything is fine. We’re going to miss working together on this show, but we’ll all see each other yet.
Frances: It’s not going to be the same without you guys. It’s been the five of us since the beginning.
Diane: We’ve got a few episodes left to film. Our big documentary finishes filming next week! We have lots of stuff to do together yet.
Leslie: How do you guys plan to announce your exit?
Sam: When is the documentary airing?
Leslie: Three weeks from now. Right before the season 5 premiere.
Sam: Great! That’ll be a great time to announce our exit. Nobody’s gonna see it coming. The ratings will be huge!
Leslie: If you’re really set on leaving, then that’s when you can announce it. I wish you’d reconsider but your minds seem made up.
Diane: They are. Thank you so much for this opportunity, it has truly changed my life for the better. It’s time to move on.
Leslie: Don’t you dare, Diane! I’m not about to let you talk like it’s already your last day of filming. No mushy, sad messages of appreciation and gratitude until this is over. The ride’s not over yet.
Diane: Okay, I won’t mention anything else about leaving.
Garry: Guys…
Diane: Oh my god, Garry, I completely forgot you were here!
Garry: I just called Carly to tell her about everything.
Leslie: And?
Garry: She wants me to quit, too. She said it’s important to stand in solidarity with you two. Also, she didn’t like that they’re also taking advantage of me. So I’m leaving.
Frances: Crap. Now I feel like I have to quit, too. I’m not going to but it’s going to be so awkward to be the only one left standing.
Leslie: Garry, you do what you feel you need to. I support you no matter what.
Garry: I don’t want to get a divorce so I will be leaving. Thanks for understanding.
Diane: We’re gonna go quit now, who wants to join us?
Garry: I guess I better.
Leslie: I’ll stay here because I’d rather not have to see Paul today.
Frances: And I’m going home to Mr. Snuggles. Bye guys.
In Paul’s office…
Paul: Oh, you guys are back again. And you brought a friend!
Diane: We quit. All three of us. We’re not re-signing our contracts.
Paul: You truly are doing more harm to yourselves than to me.
Diane: We’ll see about that.
Paul: No, you are. I’m going to be fine. You aren’t hurting me. You’re just denying yourselves money.
Sam: We don’t want your money. See ya!
Garry: Yeah, what they said!
Diane, Sam and Garry storm out of Paul’s office, Diane slamming the door behind her.

What did you think of the episode? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return next week for another new episode!

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