Marietta Season 3 Episode 23 - Baby Love

Marietta Season 3 Episode 23
Baby Love

It’s September 1994. Marietta is nine months pregnant and is watching TV at home with Danny.

Marietta: I’m feeling kinda funny.

Danny: Is the baby coming?

Marietta: Just because I’m pregnant and I happen to feel a bit off doesn’t mean the baby’s coming. I just feel my stomach acting up. It’s a little cramp, that’s all

Danny: Is it because the baby is coming?

Marietta: No! The Nanny is going to be on in five minutes, we’re going to watch it and relax. I’m not due for another two weeks.

Danny: Is The Nanny more important than our baby being safe?

Marietta: I’m not giving birth tonight. I am fine.

Danny: Whatever you say. I’m going to keep a close watch on you tonight, though. I’m a little worried.

Marietta: You can stop undressing me with your eyes. You’re not getting any tonight.

Danny: Oh my god! I wasn’t even thinking of that.

Marietta: What, am I so fat and round that I’m no longer desirable to you? This is your fault, you did this to me!

Danny: No! You’re beautiful. You’re also clearly going into labor.

Marietta: No, I’m not! Just let me enjoy whatever wacky misadventures Fran Fine has gotten into in peace!

Danny: I’m not saying you can’t watch your show. Please do. Until the baby comes, that is.

Ten minutes later…

Marietta: Haha! That Fran is so funny! Always getting herself into trouble!

Danny: Is the ceiling leaking? My leg is wet.

Marietta: Why would the ceiling be leaking?

Danny: I don’t k- your water broke!

Marietta: My what did what?

Danny: You ARE going into labor!

Marietta: I think I’d know if I was.

Danny: I’m getting the car.

Marietta: My water broke! Why didn’t you tell me?

Danny: Oh, this is gonna be fun!

Five minutes later…

Marietta: Oh my god, I called mom but I didn’t call Milton.

Danny: Isn’t Milton in Baton Rouge? He won’t make it in time anyway.

Marietta: Do you know anything about giving birth? It sure as hell takes a lot longer than an hour and a half to get finished. He can make it if he wants.

Danny: Your mother will call. As long as your parents are there, it’s okay.

Marietta: Are you okay with your parents not being there?

Danny: Yes, I’ve come to terms with it. We didn’t know when this was happening, I couldn’t expect them to stay here for weeks waiting for it to happen. Mom hates traveling, anyway. They can fly in from California once the baby is here and we get settled in. It’ll be better to have them visit when things are calmer, anyway.

Marietta: Oh, Danny…

Danny: I know, I’ve never been more in love with you, either.

Marietta: What? No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying you really have no idea how babies work! Milton was such a little devil when he was born. I was only six and I still remember it!

Danny: How are you so calm? We’re about to have a baby.

Marietta: I’m soaking up my last moments of calmness. That will no longer be a word in my vocabulary for years to come.

Thirty minutes later…

Patty Lynn: Danny, where is my daughter? Why aren’t you with her? Where is she? Am I a grandma yet? Answer me, man!

Martin: Patty Lynn, breathe in. It’ll calm you down.

Patty Lynn: We’re at a hospital! I don’t want to breathe in sick air!

Danny: They’re checking Marietta out right now to make sure she’s actually in labor.

Patty Lynn: Of course she’s in labor. My daughter wouldn’t lie about being in labor.

Danny: It’s not that they think she’s lying. They just need to be completely sure it’s time for her to give birth. If it isn’t, they aren’t going to admit her until it is.

Patty Lynn: Sounds dumb. Watch over my baby to make sure she’s in perfect health. She’s about to bring new life into this world.

Nurse Andrea: Mr. Mingo, your wife is indeed in labor and we’re taking her to the delivery room. Do you all want to follow me so you can join her?

Danny: Of course!

Patty Lynn: All of us?

Nurse Andrea: All of you.

Patty Lynn: I told you, Martin. I told you today’d be a special day.

Martin: You did tell me that.

In the delivery room…

Marietta: Danny! Nurse Ratched over here told me you were coming in but I didn’t believe her.

Nurse Louisa: I’m not going to take offense to that, I know you’re under a lot of stress right now.

Patty Lynn: We’re here, too! Your favorite parents.

Marietta: Marion and Howard Cunningham from Happy Days?

Patty Lynn: That’s a bridge too far. I don’t see Marion Ross in the delivery room with you.

Danny: She’s delirious, don’t listen to her.

Marietta: I’m not delirious, I’m just in pain. I don’t wanna do this anymore!

Danny: It’s almost done.

Louisa: Actually, we’ve probably got another few hours at the least until we’re done here.

Danny: I mean this nicely, Nurse Louisa. That is not helpful.

Louisa: I took an oath. I can’t lie.

Danny: Politicians do it all the time.

Marietta: Excuse me?

Danny: Not you, honey.

Marietta: Yeah, that’s right.

Martin: How are you feeling, Marietta? Your mother punched me a few times when she was in labor. You haven’t done that so you look good in comparison.

Marietta: Oh, it’s sunshine and rainbows. I feel like a radiant earth goddess. Easy like Sunday morning. Of course I feel like absolute shit. Where is my epidural?

Louisa: The doctor has been informed that you’re ready, he’ll be here any moment.

Marietta: He?

Louisa: Dr. Bates is a man, yes.

Marietta: A man? And his name is Dr. Bates? You’re letting Norman Bates deliver my baby? I don’t think so.

Danny: He isn’t Norman Bates. They have only the most qualified doctors here.

Marietta: I want the doctor that was there for Princess Diana. That’s the best of the best right there.

Louisa: Dr. Bates is more than qualified, I can assure you that. Though, he’s just the anesthesiologist so he won’t be the one delivering the baby. That’ll be your obstetrician. Who is…?

Danny: Dr. Richmond.

Louisa: Dr. Richmond, that’s right. She’s also on her way and will be here soon.

Marietta: So I’m supposed to do what, then? Wait?

Louisa: That’s what we tell all of our patients. Just sit there and wait, the doctors will let you know when it’s time to do something. Until then, you can relax here.

Marietta: What part of this would you call “relaxing?”

Patty Lynn: None of it! It’s awful. I’ll never forget when I gave birth to you kids. I thought I was being ripped in two. The worst experience of my life. Though, it was all worth it!

Marietta: Gee, mom. You know how to get a girl excited for labor! Tammy Yarborough told me that she didn’t mind it.

Patty Lynn: You know I love our First Lady dearly, but she’s a bald-faced liar. This is hell.

Martin: I think you’re making Marietta more nervous than she already was.

Patty Lynn: Don’t I always?

In the waiting room…

Milton: Hello, I’m Milton Landfield. My sister is Marietta Landfield. She’s been admitted and is about to pop a baby out of her any moment now. Can you take me to her?

Andrea: I’m sorry, sir. Ms. Landfield already reached the maximum amount of visitors that can be with her in the delivery room.

Milton: Are you kidding me?

Andrea: Comedy’s not my thing.

Milton: I just flew here from Baton Rouge in an hour when it usually takes way longer. I left a committee meeting. I should specify, I’m a state rep.

Andrea: You don’t look like Veronica Corningsworth.

Milton: I thought you said comedy wasn’t your thing!

Andrea: I guess it can be.

Milton: So, about my sister… I was told I was going to get to see her screaming in pain and yelling. That’s something I need to see in person. Is it possible to bend the rules to let me in with her?

Andrea: I can give you five minutes. Only five. Too many people in there and it’s a hassle for the doctors and nurses. Right now, there’s no ongoing procedure so I can give you a bit of time.

Milton: Thank you. I want her to at least know I made the effort to get here. She wouldn’t believe it if I told her.

Andrea walks Milton to Marietta’s room.

Milton: So, how’s it going in here? Everybody having fun?

Marietta: Danny, hand me my shoe.

Danny: What? Why?

Marietta: I going to throw it at Milton.

Milton: What did I do?

Marietta: “How’s it going?” “Having fun?” I’m pushing a bowling ball out of my hoo-ha, you think I’m having fun?

Patty Lynn: I’m having fun. I’m with my family!

Marietta: Can it, mom.

Martin: She’s a bit mean when she’s in pain, isn’t she?

Danny: She did miss The Nanny tonight. She’s not happy about that.

Milton: I only have five minutes in here until I gotta go.

Marietta: Thank god.

Andrea: Tick tock!

Milton: I’m coming, I’m coming.

Patty Lynn: Why do you only have five minutes?

Milton: Marietta already has the maximum number of guests allotted per patient. Nurse Andrea over here was nice enough to give me five minutes. Now I have to go sit in the waiting room for updates.

Martin: I can come out and wait with you.

Milton: Oh, I couldn’t ask you to do that.

Marietta: Please do! Take mom, too! Maybe even Danny.

Patty Lynn: I’m not budging.

Milton: Okay. I’ve shown Marietta that I cared enough to show up. Guess it’s time for me to go. Dad, you ready to go read some crappy old People magazines while we wait?

Martin: Sounds good to me.

Three hours later…

Martin: Patty Lynn! What’s going on in there?

Patty Lynn: She’s getting there. They said she’s a bit behind schedule per se, but nothing worrying.

Martin: She must be -

Patty Lynn: She's about to go on a murderous rampage. Speaking of which, where’s Milton?

Martin: he went to find some food from the vending machine. I told him to get me some crackers or something but I know he won’t listen.

Patty Lynn: Well, I better get back in there. We all know that Marietta needs me.

Martin: We sure do.

Patty Lynn returns to the delivery room.

Danny: Would you look at that? It’s midnight.

Marietta: I told you this baby wasn’t coming yesterday.

Danny: Yes, you showed me.

Patty Lynn (singing): Those were such happy times, and not so long ago. How I wondered where they'd gone. But they're back again, just like a long lost friend. All the songs I loved so well.

Danny: Is she okay?

Patty Lynn (singing): Every Sha-la-la-la, every Wo-o-wo-o, still shines. Every shing-a-ling-a-ling that they're startin' to sing’s so fine.

Marietta: Mom! Stop singing the Carpenters. Are you trying to annoy this baby out of me?

Patty Lynn: That would be fun, wouldn’t it?

Three hours later…

Dr. Richmond: It’s time.

Patty Lynn: It’s time? It’s time! I’m gonna be a grandma.

Dr. Richmond: This baby is coming right now. Push!

Patty Lynn: Someone get my Martin in here. I need him!

Martin: Right here! Nurse Andrea already got me.

Milton: They let me in, too.

Marietta: My god, noooooooo!!!!

Dr. Richmond: Push!

Marietta: You people drive me craaaaaazy!

Dr. Richmond: Keep pushing, you’re almost there.

Danny: You’re doing great, hon.

Marietta: Shut up!

Dr. Richmond: He’s here!

Marietta: He?

Dr. Richmond: Your baby! He’s out!

Marietta: Oh, thank god.

Danny: The first words my baby heard in this world were “shut up!”

Milton: That is so fitting.

Marietta: Danny, come look at your son.

Danny: He’s so beautiful.

Marietta: This doesn’t feel real. How am I a mom?

Milton: I can’t even picture you as a mom. You’re such a -

Marietta: Don’t say it.

Martin: What are you gonna name him?

Patty Lynn: Martin! Let me hold him first before I decide on a name.

Martin: I don’t think you’re the one naming him.

Patty Lynn: You think wrong.

Marietta: We haven’t chosen a name yet. We’re going to think on it for a bit.

Danny: Need to make sure the name fits him first. He reminds me a bit like my dad, though. We might have to name him after him.

Marietta: We’re not naming him Alistair. He reminds me a bit like Winston Churchill but that doesn’t mean we’re naming him Winston.

Danny: We’ll just have to see about that.

The next morning, in the recovery room…

Patty Lynn: How you feeling, honey?

Marietta: I mean, better than when I was pushing a child out of me. So that’s nice.

Patty Lynn: I want you to know, your father and I slept here right with you. I sent Danny home but he came back after about a half hour.

Marietta: That tracks.

Patty Lynn: Milton went home and stayed there.

Marietta: That also tracks.

Patty Lynn: You have a very special visitor, though.

Marietta: Is it someone who can bring me food? I’m starving.

Patty Lynn: No, it’s your Aunt Kathleen!

Marietta: How’d she get here so fast?

Kathleen: I live in Arkansas, Marietta. I jump at any chance to get the hell out of there.

Marietta: I’m so glad you came.

Kathleen: I wouldn’t miss this. It took me chartering a private flight to get here, but I wouldn’t miss it.

Marietta: How’d you know I was here?

Kathleen: You mother called me!

Marietta: Aww, mom. You’re already a proud granny.

Patty Lynn: We’re gonna work on that name. I can be grandma, I can be nana, I can be gram. I’m not going to be granny. I’m not a Looney Tunes character.

Kathleen: You aren’t?

Marietta: I’m obviously very happy to have Aunt Kathleen here, but I must ask. Where in god’s name is my husband? Shouldn’t he be here for this? I just gave birth. I think? I don’t know, I might have slept for a few days.

Patty Lynn: He went with your father to get breakfast. I forced him to, he was just sitting in here staring at you as you slept. It scared me a bit.

Marietta: He’s been very worried about me lately. For some reason he was under the impression that I was going to go into labor while I was asleep and that that wouldn’t wake me up, so he was pretty vigilant in keeping watch these past few weeks.

Danny: What are you saying about me now?

Patty Lynn: Wow, you guys got back soon!

Martin: We only went to Waffle House, we weren’t intending to spend the day there.

Kathleen: I’ve been to Waffle House. I get what you mean.

Patty Lynn: I was just about to read Marietta one of her cards that she got.

Marietta: Card? I gave birth last night. How did anyone send a card already?

Patty Lynn: They’re very special.

Marietta: I haven’t named my baby yet but sure, read your cards.

Patty Lynn: The first card is from President Yarborough and First Lady Yarborough. It says “congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Bring them to the White House at any time so we can catch up and meet the little one. Love, Tammy and Mitch!” Marietta, you got invited to the White House!

Marietta: Uh-huh. I am a member of the US Congress. Dad is in his cabinet.

Patty Lynn: Still… that’s exciting.

Marietta: We’re a political family. I’ve met the President before. I had tea with him. It’s not too exciting.

Patty Lynn: Well I think it is!

Milton: She’s getting testy, I see.

Marietta: What are you doing here? Mom said you were at home.

Milton: Now I’m here. That’s how life usually works. You’re at one place until you’re not.

Marietta: Could I have a minute alone with my husband, please? I have some important business to tend to.

Patty Lynn: Aww, but I want to look at the baby!

Martin: That won’t be a problem, Marietta. Patty Lynn, I think they have pineapple jello in the cafeteria, let’s go.

Patty Lynn: Oh, my favorite!

Kathleen: I guess I’ll go with. I like pineapple yellow, too.

The group leaves.

Danny: I’ve been thinking about baby names.

Marietta: That’s what I wanted to talk to you about! How’d you know?

Danny: Well, our son doesn’t have a name yet. That feels like something we’d both want to address.

Marietta: What are you thinking?

Danny: Duke.

Marietta: Like the university? No! I’m a Tulane girl!

Danny: We aren’t naming him Tulane, are we?

Marietta: I’d prefer to not name him after any college.

Danny: I wanted to name him after Duke Ellington.

Marietta: What about Louis?

Danny: He’s not a King of France.

Marietta: Is there any name you do like?

Danny: Duke!

Marietta: We’re not naming him Duke! How about we name him after my grandfather? Jeremiah.

Danny: Come on.

Marietta: I like it!

Danny: It can be his middle name. His first name can be my grandfather’s name.

Marietta: What would that be?

Danny: His name was Neville.

Marietta: Oh my god.

Danny: Is there any name you like?

Marietta: Kyle. I like Kyle.

Danny: I like Kyle. He looks like a Kyle.

Marietta: Kyle Jeremiah Landfield. Nice ring to it!

Danny: Landfield? I think he’s a Mingo.

Marietta: I pushed him out of me. Not you. He’s a Landfield.

Ten minutes later…

Marietta: Hey, mom. How was the jello?

Patty Lynn: It was lemon. I was lied to!

Martin: I said I was sorry.

Kathleen: I liked the lime with the whipped cream. That was good.

Marietta: We have big news to share. Meet Kyle Jeremiah Landfield!

Patty Lynn: You named him after dad!

Marietta: I’m glad you aren’t yelling at me for not making his first name Jeremiah. Danny wouldn’t allow that.

Patty Lynn: His name’s perfect just the way it is.

Martin: To the newest Landfield!

Danny: And Mingo!

Milton: Well, you tried. 

What did you think of the new episode of Marietta? Comment your thoughts, listen to the official season three playlist, vote in the poll below, and make sure to return for a new episode next week!

Who was your favorite character in Marietta Season 3 Episode 23 "Baby Love?"
Patty Lynn

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