Our House Season 2 Episode 9 - Our Colors Don’t Run

Our House Season 2, Episode 9
Our Colors Don't Run

Jerry bursts through the door as Teri and Cindy are setting the table for dinner.
Jerry: Big news everyone!
Teri: Did you pick up Italian bread?
Jerry: Why would I do that?
Teri: Cindy was supposed to call you.
Jerry: I didn’t get a call.
Cindy: I forgot. Sorry Teri!
Teri: It’s fine. I have some boring sliced bread that’s just gonna have to do. Memmy’s recipe deserves better than that but it’ll have to do.
Ralph: Memmy’s recipe was just a bottle os spaghetti with vodka mixed in. That’s not even how you make vodka sauce. She just had a severe alcohol addiction.
Teri: It really does run in the family, doesn’t it? Hits every generation.
Betty: Not me! It skipped a generation with me.
Teri: Uncle Dave?
Betty: Oh yeah, right.
Jerry: Could I share my big news now? I promise it’s bigger than bread.
Teri: Can you wait until dinner? People are busy right now.
Jerry: Fine, but this is huge and I can’t wait much longer to let people know about it.
Teri: Don’t be such a drama queen, Jerry.
That night, at dinner…
Jerry: We’re all here, we’ve said grace -
Ralph: Not me.
Jerry: That’s because you worship the devil.
Ralph: You’re right, I sure do!
Jerry: I wanted to finally share my big news with all of you. I just got confirmation today from my team at work that I’m going to be officially retired from the Army in two weeks.
Velma: You’re still in the Army?
Teri: Yeah, I thought you worked at an office or something now.
Tammi: He comes home in an army uniform all the time, how couldn’t you notice that?
Teri: I don’t know, I have a lot on my mind.
Jerry: I have four hours of driving every day. You really think I’d do that if I worked at an office now?
Teri: I didn’t even know you drove that much.
Jerry: I complain about it every day.
Teri: Has it not been established that I’m extremely self-centered?
Jerry: It has been now. Does anyone here actually care that I’m retiring?
Cindy: I care! I’ll never have to worry again about my husband going to fight for my country. I just couldn’t express that at first because Teri and Velma hijacked the conversation.
Teri: I would ne… yeah, I take that back. I did do that.
Cindy: Wow! this is growth! You admitted being wrong!
Jerry: I thought you guys would like to know that they’re throwing me a retirement party at one of the other army bases in southeastern Virginia. It’s not where I usually work but I guess that’s where they have retirement parties for all the old guys.
Cindy: Mom, why are you crying?
Betty: Because Jerry is only fifteen years older than Teri and he’s considered old so that means Teri’s never going to have children.
Jerry: I’m only fifty-two years old, I’m not really that old. I just joined the service when I was so young that I figured it’s time to retire. I wanted to stay longer but I felt myself slow down and I knew it was time.
Tammi: You had a heart attack, dad, I’d call that a bit more than “slowing down.”
Jerry: That was two years ago, I was back out on the field within a month after that. 
Tammi: You also sprained your ankle last fall.
Jerry: It’s like you’re trying to paint me as feeble and old.
Tammi: All I’m saying is that I’m glad you’re retiring now.
Karl: I am too! Now that I’m back to work, we need someone around her to do some house work. It’s not like Betty can do it.
Betty: Don’t be sexist Karl!
Karl: Do you want to cut the grass or paint the shed?
Betty: No.
Karl: I thought so. Jerry being around could help us get that done faster.
Jerry: I’m not gonna want to just relax on the couch for the rest of my life, so doing housework doesn’t sound too bad. I was actually thinking of buying a backhoe and digging out a koi pond and doing some stuff on the grounds.
Betty: A koi pond?
Tammi: A backhoe? You’re gonna hurt yourself.
Jerry: I survived Iraq, Afghanistan, and living in the same house as your grandmother twice -
Betty: Hey!
Jerry: I can survive using a backhoe.
Tammi: Okay, okay, fine. I’ll stop worrying about you. Mom certainly doesn’t seem phased by this.
Cindy: Just don’t crash it into the house and I’m good.
Teri: He crashes it into my house and I’m kicking him out.
Carlene: Can we back this all up? Jerry had a heart attack.
Teri: It’s like you don’t read mom’s newsletter. The first one had a full profile on all of us.
Carlene: It did?
Teri: No, but no one else can tell you otherwise.
Betty: Please don’t make fun of the The Betty Gazettey. I put a lot of work into it.
Jerry: Again turning back to my story, I wanted you guys to know that my party is taking place on April 19 at three o’clock. You guys don’t have to bring anything but yourselves but you have to come to the party without me.
Mitchell: Are you not invited to your own retirement party? That’s harsh.
Velma: Are you dense?
Mitchell: I think it’s a valid question.
Jerry: I’m invited. I just have to go in earlier. They just have a ceremony planned that I don’t think any of you guys would really care to see, except for maybe Cindy and Tammi.
Betty: What kind or ceremony? Like the Oscars?
Jerry: No, there’s not going to be any rich snobs there patting each other on the back. They’re just going to talk about my time in the service. It would bore you guys.
Karl: Of course it wouldn’t! That seems really unique and interesting. We want to be there.
Jerry: Are you sure?
Frank: I want to be there! I never got a ceremony like that when I was in the Army!
Betty: You were in the Army? You? Frank?
Frank: Yes, I went on two tours of Iraq.
Teri: I don’t want to believe you. That would then require me to respect you for something and I can’t allow that.
Tammi: How do none of you know this about the father of my child? I’ve been married to him for ten years.
Teri: I choose to know nothing about him because I refuse to acknowledge a bright, strong woman like you could marry… him.
Tammi: At least I’m married.
Teri: Oooh… that was a low blow.
Karl: Girls! Shut up! Let Jerry finish what he was saying, he’s been talking for a half an hour.
Jerry: Thank you, Karl. I appreciate the support. 
Karl: It’s support both for you and for my own sanity.
Jerry: I was going to add that if you guys wanted to see my ceremony, you have to be there by quarter of two if you want to attend it. It starts promptly at two.
Betty: We’ll be there with bells on!
On the day of Jerry’s retirement ceremony…
Betty: Karl, where the heck are we?
Karl: Somewhere in Virginia Beach, I don’t know! I went where your GPS told me to go. It’s a piece of crap!
Betty: I just got her and she is not a piece of crap. Gretchen is always accurate.
Karl: Well, the GPS you named after the Governor of Rhode Island isn’t good at finding places that are anywhere but Rhode Island. Maybe you should’ve named it after the Governor of Virginia.
Betty: Who would name something Ralph?
Ralph: Hey! You named me Ralph!
Betty: Ralph is a lovely name for a person, just not for a GPS.
Ralph: And Gretchen is?
Betty: Yes. Obviously.
Karl: Dammit!
Betty: What?
Karl: I think I just passed it. Why didn’t this thing tell me to turn there.
Betty: I turned off the voice on the GPS, it was interrupting our conversation.
Karl: Why would you do that?
Betty: I don’t know, I didn’t think.
Karl: Let me just turn around.
Karl turns the car around and pulls into the Army base, where he is stopped at a gate.
Guard: Names and identifications for everyone in the car please?
Karl: Everyone get your IDs out!
Danielle (whispering to Teri): I don’t have my ID with me!
Teri: Just hide.
Karl: The names are Karl Bellwood, Betty Bellwood, Teri Bellwood, Ralph Bellwood and Velma Pallakis Bellwood. Here are our IDs.
Guard: Alright, everything checks out. A quick reminder, if you have any firearms on you, please keep them in the car. They are not allowed inside any of the facilities at any time.
Karl: What about this grenade in my pocket?
Guard: Sir, do you have a grenade in your pocket? I’ll have to report you to the authorities. Military-grade grenades are not legal to own.
Karen: No! I was only joking.
Guard: Explosive devices are not a joking matter sir. Now go ahead, have a nice day.
Karl drives away from the guard station.
Danielle: Karl, I have never been so happy to be forgotten by someone in my entire life!
Karl: Tell me about it. I’ve never been happier to have forgotten someone. That guy was scary and I didn’t want to have to explain to him that you forgot your ID?
Danielle: You heard that?
Karl: You’re really loud when you whisper.
Danielle: I’m from New York, that’s just the way I am.
At the building the ceremony is being held…
Frank: Finally you guys are here! We thought you got lost.
Karl: We did. We drove past the place because Betty’s GPS was muted and then it took us ten minutes in here to find this building.
Danielle: And we were also very intimidated by the security guard out there! I was scared I’d get kicked out because I don’t have my ID.
Frank: There’s only five minutes until the ceremony starts, let’s get in there.
Steven: Aunt Teri! You made it!
Teri: Did you think I wouldn’t?
Steven: Grandma said you guys were gonna be late.
Frank: No she didn’t.
Steven: Yes she did!
Frank: No, she didn’t.
Velma: Oh, so Cindy was gossiping about us.
Ralph: How Christian of her.
Frank: We get it Ralph, you’re an atheist, that doesn’t make you cool.
In the building…
Betty: Karen!
Karen: I pronounce it “Car-en” now.
Betty: Really? That’s not a name.
Karen: No, not really. I’m not a hippie!
Betty: It’s been forever since I’ve seen you. 2014?
Karen: 2015. I know it hasn’t been long since you’ve seen my brother, though. What’s it like living with him and Cindy now?
Betty: It took some getting used to. It’s been fun though. More fun now that he’ll be retired. He can do work around the house now. It looks like a mess!
Tammi: Hey guys, we have to get in there for the ceremony now.
Teri: I call any seat that isn’t next to Frank!
Betty: Damn, that’s where I wanted to sit!
Jerry: There’s plenty of non-Frank seats to go around.
Tammi: Dad! I didn’t think you’d join in the abuse of my husband!
Jerry: It’s all in good fun. I think.
One hour later…
Teri: Why am I crying so much?
Betty: I don’t know, I am too. One minute you’re jamming out in the car to ABBA while you're slightly terrified that a guard might send you to jail and the next you’re just thinking about the fact that my son-in-law is such a hero who did so much. This life is a rollercoaster.
Velma: Look at Cindy. She’s so emotion.
Betty: It’s like she’s Whitney Houston or something.
Teri: Huh?
Betty: You know, she has that song, So Emotional?
Teri: We aren’t all old.
Jerry: Before we all go eat cake, which is the real reason anyone is here, including me, I wanted to thank you all for coming today. You're my closest friends, my family, my colleagues, and most importantly, the maximum amount of people I was allowed to fit into this auditorium. But seriously, it means so much to me that you all came out today to celebrate my retirement from the Army. This has been a huge part of my life for over thirty years and getting to celebrate that time with the people I love means so much. Now, let them eat cake!
Danielle: Is that from something?
Teri: Marie Antoinette.
Danielle: The movie?
Teri: The person!
Danielle: The movies is based on a real person?
Tammi: Can you two be quiet?
Danielle: Can you tell your husband to have a face that’s less stupid?
Frank: Woah! I heard that!
Danielle: Did I do it right, Teri?
Jerry: What are y’all going on about now? Can we please go eat some cake? There’s salad too. And mac and cheese!
Steven: I love mac and cheese!
Jerry: I know you do, that’s why we got it!

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