Our House Season 1 Episode 14 - Our Table

 Our House Season 1, Episode 14
Our Table

Betty and Cindy are eating breakfast while the rest of the family showers and gets ready.
Betty: Why are we always the first two ready for the day?
Cindy: I think it’s because we wake up two hours before everyone else. I wake up because the air conditioner in my room is loud as heck and it turns on at 6 every morning. I don’t know why you wake up so early.
Betty: I’m old. I don’t sleep too well, especially since your father won’t let me turn on the air conditioner in our room and it is so uncomfortable in there.
Cindy: I know this house isn’t big enough for you guys to sleep in different rooms but maybe he could just use another blanket.
Betty: That won’t work, we don’t have enough spare blankets in the house.
Cindy: Why not?
Betty: There are twelve people here, we had 6 people stay here at most before. I completely forgot to bring more blankets.
Cindy: How is there enough space here for all of us if you never intended on having this many people stay here?
Betty: Well, we could have had more people stay with us back then, we just never did.
Cindy: Wait. All those times you told me I couldn’t bring my boyfriend along because we didn’t have room, those were all lies?
Betty: Yes.
Cindy: Mom! He thought I just didn’t want him to come because I always told him no!
Betty: I just didn’t like the idea of you two sharing a room when you were 17. I didn’t want him to get you pregnant or anything.
Cindy: But he did. And we’ve been married for almost 30 years. 
Betty: I know, and if I had been with you two the night you went to that drive-in showing of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, none of that would have happened and you could have gone to college and gotten married and had kids after that instead of getting pinned down before you were ready.
Jerry: Hey!
Betty: Oh Jerry! I’m sorry.
Cindy: Mom, really?
Betty: I thought we were alone!
Cindy: You think that makes it okay to question my life choices and tell me I shouldn’t have had my kids or married my husband?
Betty: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Cindy: I’m gonna go sit on the beach for a while. I know you guys are going to Acadia in a few hours, don’t bother telling me when you go, I’m not going. And neither is Jerry.
Betty: If that’s really what you want to do, I won’t try to stop you.
Cindy: Good. Because that’s what I really want.
One hour later…
Betty: Come on everyone, it’s time to go to Acadia!
Teri: Mom, it’s 9:30!
Betty: So? Stop whining like a child Teresa, it doesn’t look good on you.
Teri: Wow, looks like mom woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.
Betty: Do not test me.
Ralph: Wow, she’s angry today. She called Teri Teresa.
Betty: Ralph, be quiet.
Karl: Betty, what’s wrong?
Betty: Nothing. Nothing is wrong.
Karl: Alright, fine.
Tammi: Grandma, where are my parents? Aren’t they coming with?
Betty: No, they aren’t. They want to stay home and relax on the beach today. Fine by me.
Tammi: Alright.
Ten minutes later, the family is driving down the road on the way to Acadia National Park when Betty demands that they stop driving.
Betty: Karl! Stop the RV!
Karl: What? Why?
Betty: That is why?
Betty points to a table out by the dumpster at a resort.
Karl: What is that?
Betty: It’s a table! And it’s in great condition!
Karl: But why do we need it?
Ralph: Yeah, I don’t get it. Why would you want that mom?
Betty: It is like new. Who wouldn’t want a free table that’s brand new?
Velma: Betty, you don’t know where that thing has been. There has to be a reason they’re getting rid of it.
Betty: Could you guys just let me out of the RV so I can inspect it?
Karl: Go ahead Betty. Just be careful.
Betty: I’m not a moron, I’ll be extremely careful.
Teri: I’m coming with you. I want to make sure you actually check it to make sure it isn’t gross and broken.
Betty: What, don’t you trust me?
Teri: No.
Betty: At least you’re honest.
Betty and Teri jump out of the RV and check out the table.
Teri: Guys, it actually looks kind of… nice.
Betty: I told you! I’m not crazy!
Teri: Not in this instance.
Betty: I’m taking that as a compliment.
Ralph: Do we even have room for it on the RV?
Betty: We have plenty of room for it!
Mitchell: I don’t know if we do. Not with all of our luggage and the souvenirs we bought.
Betty: It’s coming home with us. End of story.
Ralph: Mom, I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Betty: Who has paid for everything we’ve done on this vacation?
Nobody says anything.
Betty: It was me! And who paid for this RV?
Again, nobody says anything.
Betty: Still me. And whose house are we staying at? I’ll give you a hint, the answer is the same as the last two. So I am going to take this table and it is coming home to Virginia with us and I don’t care what you all think about it. If you don’t like it, if you don’t think we’ve got the room for it, then you can walk home. Because you’re not coming in my RV and you’re not staying in my house. Got it?
Tammi: Grandma, I thin-
Betty: Tammi, shut up.
Tammi: That’s not very nice. I’m just trying to say that we don’t really need that table and I think we’d all be happier if you just left it here.
Betty: I will leave Frank here before I leave this table here. I love it more than I love him.
Frank: Hey!
Betty: Oh come on, you have to know that nobody likes you in this family. I mean, come on. Nobody besides your wife asks you to play any game we play, you aren’t friends with most of us on Facebook, and you don’t even have a designated seat at our dining room table. You are nothing.
Tammi: That is uncalled for.
Betty: Oh come on, no it wasn’t. He deserves the truth.
Mitchell: Why are you being so nasty?
Betty: I’m just going to turn this into a roast because that’s apparently what you buffoons want it to become. Mitchell, you’re lazy and don’t work. Even Frank works, and he is Frank.
Velma: Don’t talk to my husband like that. He doesn’t deserve to be compared to Frank.
Frank: Why do you all hate me?
Betty: You’re stupid. And Velma, you have no place to talk. You’re the moodiest person I’ve ever met.
Danielle: This is getting out of hand, guys, just calm down.
Betty: Danielle, I’m actually not going to criticize you because I see you as the daughter I never had.
Teri: What the hell?
Ralph: Mom, what happened today? Why are you acting like this?
Teri: Careful Ralph, she’ll kill you. Apparently I’m already dead to her.
Betty: I have just had a rough day and all of you people ganging up on me has me even more upset than I was before.
Karl: You don’t need to take it out on everybody. Now go get your table, you’re going home.
Betty: What do you mean?
Karl: You are going back to the beach house. We are going to Acadia.
Betty: Karl, come on.
Karl: No Betty, our family, and yes that includes Frank, didn’t deserve what just happened to them. I think you just need some time to relax and be alone.
Betty: Can I at least turn the A/C on in our room while I’m in time out?
Karl: Yes Betty. Do anything to get in a better mood.
Betty: Hey Frank and Mitchell, can you help me carry this table into the RV?
Frank: You’re joking, right?
That night, after Betty, Karl, Danielle and Steven go to bed…
Tammi: So what was grandma’s big deal today?
Ralph: I think we seriously need to consider the possibility that she was high.
Tammi: Come on. We need to be serious here. What was up with her?
Cindy: We got in a fight. It was really, really bad and I think that probably affected her mood.
Frank: What could you possibly have fought about that was worse than what she told me today?
Cindy: What did she tell you?
Frank: That you all hate me.
Cindy: Oh, that’s nothing. She told me something I don’t even want to repeat.
Tammi: What is it mom?
Jerry: Tell her Cindy.
Cindy: Jerry, no.
Jerry: It’s not that bad.
Cindy: Alright Tammi, grandma said that she wishes I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant with you when I did and gotten married to your father because I could have gone to college instead of getting “pinned down.”
Tammi: She said that?
Jerry: She did.
Frank: Oh yeah, that is worse.
Mitchell: You know what really gets me? She is so obsessed with that stupid table and flipped out on us because we said she shouldn’t take it. Clearly, she’s upset all of us today and insulted us all to her face. I say we repay her for that crappy treatment... We’re leaving here in three days. How about we leave her here with her precious table?
Cindy: What?
Mitchell: We can leave her in Maine to show her how wrong she was.
Tammi: Continue.
Mitchell: So, since Uncle Karl drove his car up, we need to make sure he leaves first. That won’t be too hard, since one of us can just oversleep or something. We know Karl likes to leave earlier than everyone else does anyway, so hopefully he’s out of here early. We also need to hide Betty’s table somewhere in the house the night before. We’ll get our luggage in the RV the night before as well and we’ll tell her it’s all packed up. Then, as we’re ready to go, we tell her that we forgot about the table. She’ll go get it, and Jerry can jump into the driver’s seat and drive off.
Ralph: That… that is an interesting plan.
Tammi: It’s a glorious plan.
Ralph: The plan is to leave your grandmother in Maine with no food, money, or anything.
Tammi: I know, she deserves it.
Ralph: She does, but it’s still wrong.
Mitchell: Alright, so who’s on board?
Everyone but Ralph raises their hand.
Mitchell: If we promise to go pick her up once she notices, will you be on board?
Ralph: Yes.
Mitchell: Then there’s our plan.
Teri, who everyone assumed was in bed, was sitting on the porch outside reading a book and heard everything.
Teri: What the f***? Are these people insane?
Two nights later…
Mitchell: Frank, go hide her table. She’s in bed. The rest of us are getting our stuff in the RV.
Frank: Will do. I’ll come help you when I’m done with this.
Velma: Mitch, I’m starting to get cold feet about this.
Mitchell: What? You of all people should be on board with this. It’s my plan.
Velma: The fact that you came up with it is exactly why I’m concerned. Betty was right on one thing, you don’t do anything right. You’ll screw this up too. I can only see this ending badly.
Mitchell: Wow, I never thought my wife would be the one to turn on me. I always thought it would be Ralph.
Ralph: Hey, I’m totally on board with this plan!
Mitchell: Good.
Two hours later, the family is done packing up the house and everyone heads to bed. Teri sneaks out of her room and runs down the stairs. Betty, who is unable to sleep because she is war, sees Teri and follows her.
Betty: Psst! Teri! What are you doing?
Teri: Oh my god, mom! You scared me.
Betty: Sorry.
Teri: I’m making sure something bad doesn't happen. Calm down, mom.
Betty: What is it?
Teri: Promise you won’t be mad at me for not telling you earlier.
Betty: I promise.
Teri: The rest of the family, except for dad and Danielle, wanted to leave you behind up here because you were driving them all crazy.
Betty: They were going to do what?
Teri: I know, they’re crazy.
Betty: I know they’ve all been acting weird around me these past few days but I never thought they were planning this.
Teri: I’m gonna put a stop to it. Don't worry mom.
Betty: What are you gonna do?
Teri: I’m gonna release air from all the tires. We have an air pump but I conveniently removed it from the RV.
Betty: That is an incredible idea.
Teri: Thank you. Now you get to bed. I can get this done by myself.
Betty heads back to bed. Meanwhile, Teri goes out to the driveway to let the air out of her tire and she sees Velma.
Velma: Teri! What are you doing out here?
Teri: You first.
Velma: I was out for a midnight stroll. Taking in the nighttime sights of Maine one last time.
Teri: Okay, so why were you kneeling down near the tire? And why do you have a knife?
Velma: You never know when someone will try to rob you. I’m defenseless without it.
Teri: So did the tire try to attack you?
Velma: What?
Teri: Velma, the RV is leaning.
Velma: Alright, fine. I slashed the tire. The family wanted to leave Betty behind up here to free her out and I couldn’t go through with it.
Teri: I know.
Velma: You knew? Then why the hell didn’t you try to talk them out of it?
Teri: I wanted to ruin their plan in a way that would embarrass them. Much like you, apparently.
Velma: What were you gonna do?
Teri: Release the air from the tires by loosening the tire valve.
Velma: Ooooh. That was a good plan.
Teri: So what are we gonna do now with zero usable tires?
Velma: Didn’t think of that.
Teri: No, you did not. Tomorrow’s a new day, though, let’s get to bed. Speaking of which, how does Mitchell not know you’r not in bed?
Velma: We’re sleeping in twin beds here. He’s a heavy sleeper so he never heard me open the for up.
Teri: Oh, I see. You’re sleeping in mom’s sex-proof room.
Velma: What?
Teri: Yes, whenever any of us kids would come up here with mom and dad and bring our boyfriend or girlfriend along, we’d have to sleep in there with them. Something about being too “tempted” if we were sleeping in the same bed. Of course, Cindy was never allowed to bring her boyfriends up because twin beds wouldn’t stop her.
Velma: I have learned so much on this trip. The joys of a Bellwood family vacation.
The next morning, Karl leaves early as the family expected and the family gets in the RV, setting the plan in place.
Mitchell: Hey Betty, where’s your table?
Frank: I think we forgot it when we brought our stuff out here.
Betty: Oh my god, I have to go get it!
Betty runs out of the car to get her table. Mitchell puts his plan in place and jumps into the driver’s seat.
Mitchell: Why the hell aren’t we moving?
Tammi: Is something wrong?
Teri: Maybe one of you can get out and check!
Mitchell: Frank?
Frank: Alright.
Frank gets out and immediately notices the slashed tires. In the house, Betty opens the door and drags the table outside.
Frank: Someone slashed our tires, guys!
Mitchell: She’s coming, it’s over!
Teri: What’s over Mitch? Your plan to leave my mother alone in Maine?
Mitchell: Teri? How did you -
Teri: I was out on the porch reading Howard Stern’s book. Because I’m a smart person.
Tammi: Oh yes Aunt Teri, that’s true literature.
Teri: At least I didn’t try to leave my mother alone in Maine like you idiots all did.
Tammi: Does grandma know?
Teri: Of course she knows, I would never keep that from her.
Frank: Guys, did you hear me? Our tires are slashed!
Teri: We’re have moved past that Frank. Nobody cares.
Betty: Oh hello my beloved family. Thank you for attempting to abandon me here all by myself.
Mitchell: Ah crap, you really did know.
Frank: So who slashed the tires? I just want to know.
Velma: I did, because you people are all idiots.
Mitchell: How could you?
Teri: I don’t know, but I’m glad she did. Now if you excuse me, I’m gonna take Jerry and Cindy’s car and drive back to Virginia with mom and Velma and our new table.
Tammi: You can’t just leave us here.
Teri: Oh, but we can. I think the auto shop is closed for the weekend but I’m sure mom will let you guys stay in the house until Monday.
Cindy: Teri don’t. Don’t you dare leave us.
Teri: Should have thought about this before you were ready to abandon mom. And before you left your car keys out in the open. We really ought to be going.
Velma: Teri, I got all of our luggage in the car.
Teri: Thank you Velma! And bye guys, see you on Monday. Hopefully.

What did you think of the episode? Comment your thoughts below and make sure to catch a new episode next Thursday and the series premiere of Bake Your Heart Out on Monday!

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