Our House Season 2 Episode 11 - Our Mother’s Day

Our House Season 2, Episode 11
Our Mother's Day
The family is gathered around the dinner for their weekly Friday pizza dinner.
Betty: Big day coming up! Just days away.
Teri: Mom, you’re the only one in this family that watches Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist, you don’t need to remind us of the finale all the time.
Betty: A little longer away than that.
Tammi: Mom’s birthday isn’t until the end of may, that’s not “just days away.”
Betty: Only a little over a week away!
Jerry: Can you just get to it already, obviously none of us know what obscure thing you’re talking about.
Betty: Cindy, Tammi, I really expected the two of you to at least know it. You too, Karl.
Tammi: What are you talking about?
Betty: It’s almost Mother’s Day!
Cindy: How am I supposed to know that?
Betty: It’s not like it’s Arbor Day, most people know when Mother’s Day is.
Ralph: I remembered. I already ordered my gift for you from Amazon and have it wrapped in my room.
Teri: You shouldn’t have told her that, now she’s going to go snooping because we for some reason allow her to have free reign of the house when you go to the store and the rest of us are at work.
Karl: I’m here too, I won’t let her look for her present. 
Betty: I wouldn’t do that anyway. I respect the sanctity of holidays!
Velma: None of you are my mother, but I got you all presents because I respect what you all do.
Betty: I unfortunately feel like that’s more than what my own children will get me.
Ralph: Hey! 
Betty: Not you Ralph, you love me.
Teri: I got you a gift!
Betty: You always ask me for a list and you didn’t ask me for one this time. No, you did not.
Teri: Fine. But it’s a week away. I can still get you one! Where’s that list?
Betty: You’re on your own this time. I want to see what you pick out for me without any help from me.
Teri: But I don’t want that. I’m terrible at this.
Betty: Not my problem this year.
Cindy: Technically it is, you are the one getting it after all.
Betty: I love all thoughtful gifts. As long as she puts thought into it, I’ll be happy.
Teri: You know, I’m very busy. I just got a new job at the shoe store
Tammi: Don’t say the word job.
The next day…
Teri: I’m going to the mall, mom! Last chance to give me a list!
Betty: I’ll pass. I know whatever you’ll get me will be good as long as you put your heart in it.
Teri: Alright, fine. But when I’m not home in time for family game night tonight, just know that it’s your fault because I was so caught up at Bath and Body Works that I didn’t realize they were closing and I got trapped there overnight.
Betty: That feels far-fetched.
Ralph: Ha! If mom’s telling you that…
Teri: I don’t need commentary from the peanut gallery, Ralph.
At the mall…
Teri: Oh my god!!! How did I get so unlucky as to end up at the same mall as you?
Frank: It is the only mall in the greater Lakey area.
Teri: There are plenty of malls throughout Henrico County. Just because you have to drive another half hour doesn’t mean you can’t go. You love murdering the planet!
Frank: Steven and I are just here to pick up something for Tammi for Mother’s Day. No need to harass me here, too.
Teri: Steven’s here? Where?
Frank: Over at the perfume counter.
Teri: You just left him there? I’m not a parent but that feels like bad parenting.
Frank: You’re the reason I walked over here. I thought I saw you and had to see if I was right.
Teri: Just get back to shopping. I’ll see you at home. I think mom’s going to make us all watch a movie together tonight, it’s going to be awful.
Frank: I’ll see you there. Maybe you can try to not call me names then.
Teri: Can’t promise anything.
Frank walks back to the perfume counter to find Steven. He spooks Steven and Steven drops a bottle of perfume.
Steven: Dad! You scared me.
Frank: What did you just break?
Steven: Just a bottle of perfume.
Frank: Why does the price tag say it’s a thousand dollars?
Steven: Maybe it’s just ten but they forgot the decimal point?
Frank: I think you broke the most expensive thing in this entire store. We have to run.
Steven: Run? Isn’t that wrong?
Frank: Yes. Never do this at any other time. Right now it’s okay because a thousand dollars would be enough to bankrupt us.
Steven: I don’t know what that is.
Frank: It’s not good. Let’s go!
In the car…
Steven: Why do people always break the law when I’m around?
Frank: Wait, who else did?
Steven: Oh, never mind.
Frank: I’m even more curious now. Not the time though, we have to get out of here. They probably have security guards in there and they’re probably coming for us.
Steven: Dad?
Frank: Yes, son?
Steven: What if they have security cameras?
Frank: It’s 2020. They definitely do. Oh my goodness, I’m going to jail. I’m going to lose my job.
Steven: Dad! Calm down, please. It’ll be okay.
Frank: I’m glad you’re so calm about it. You’re my rock, little guy.
Steven: Can we please leave? That lady’s been waiting for our spot since we jumped back into the car.
Frank: Oh, right! Yes, let’s go home. I can have a meltdown about this in the driveway. Just promise me one thing.
Steven: What’s that?
Frank: Don’t tell your mom about this!
Steven: I won’t. I promise!
Frank: Good boy.
Meanwhile, two hours later, in the mall…
Teri: Hello, I’ve been wondering around the store for a half hour now and I’m just completely lost. What kind of gifts would you recommend for a 70-ish year-old woman who binges CNN and  loves birds?
Justine (store worker): That’s hard to say without knowing anything about her besides that. We do have a lovely new set of sweaters that just came in that all have different birds on them. There’s one with a cardinal and one with a blue jay and one with a finch.
Teri: Where are those? I’ll take the cardinal one in size medium in a gift box.
Justine: I’ll go grab that for you, and you can ask the cashier when you check out for the box.
Teri: Thank you, you are a lifesaver!
Justine: It’s all part of my job, no need to thank me.
Teri leaves the department store and heads into the book store, stopping the first worker she sees.
Teri: Hey! Patrice! You work here, right?
Patrice: Yes, that’s what the name tag says at least.
Teri: Okay, I need a Mother’s Day gift for my mother. Do you know where Anderson Cooper’s book is?
Patrice: Oh yeah, I know exactly where it is. It’s practically flying off the shelf. A stampede of twenty people just rushed through here all looking for it.
Teri: Are you serious?
Patrice: Of course not! I don’t even know if we have Anderson Cooper’s book.
Teri: Aww.
Patrice: Go over to the computer over there and look it up, it’s not hard.
Teri: You know, Justine from Branson’s department store actually went and found the item I was looking for for me because that’s her job.
Patrice: That’s nice. That’s not mine. I work at the cash register and I’m just trying to get back after my break.
Teri: Oh. Sorry.
Teri uses the computer, finds the book, and heads to the checkout.
Patrice: Oh boy, you again.
Teri: Hello Patrice!
Patrice: Did you find what you were looking for?
Teri: Yes I did! The computer worked just fine.
Patrice: I told you so.
Teri: I apologize for getting snippy with you, it’s been a long day.
Patrice: That’s alright, I’ve had worse. This one lady came in yelling at me to give her an immediate refund on a book that was clearly read, then threatened to write about me in the newspaper she writes for.
Teri: Oh no.
Patrice: What?
Teri: I think that’s my mom. She has her own personal newsletter for our family and I think I read something about a mean lady that refused to give her a refund for her “unused book in pristine condition.”
Patrice: There was a ring on it, I think she used it as a coaster.
Teri: Yeah, that's my mom. She doesn’t believe in coasters. She said napkins do the trick just fine. We ran out of napkins last month.
Two days later…
Frank: Steven, I’m going out to the mailbox! Don’t check out on Amazon before I’m back. I want to know how much you spend on your mom’s gift.
Steven: Alright, I won’t.
Frank opens the mailbox and hears a sound in the distance. He turns to see a woman a few house over, running towards him.
Frank begins running into the garage, but the woman catches up with him first and blocks him from getting in the door.
Frank: Who are you? What are you?
Woman: I know what you did!
Frank: I know that, you already said it! Is this a nightmare?`
Woman: My name’s Mimi. I work at Branson’s. And I’m your neighbor!
Frank: Oh no.
Mimi: Oh yes.
Frank: What do you want from me? Are you turning me in to the cops?
Mimi: No, don’t be silly!
Frank: I broke the law, it’s not a crazy question.
Mimi: Snitches get snitches, didn’t you ever hear that?
Frank: I don’t get why you came to confront me then if you don’t plan to turn me in.
Mimi: I didn’t say that!
Frank: Yes you did.
Mimi: I said I wouldn’t turn you in to the cops. Now my manager…
Frank: How much do you want for it?
Mimi: I’m a nice person, I’m friends with your grandmother-in-law from the HOA meetings.
Frank: I don’t think that helps me, actually.
Mimi: I’m just asking for a hundred bucks to keep quiet. Nothing more, nothing less.
Frank: Done! Let me go get my wallet.
Frank runs into the house.
Steven: Dad! I added a ton of things in the cart! You have to help me pick some out.
Frank: I will. Now, where is your mother?
Steven: She went outside a few minutes ago to garden.
Frank: Oh no.
Steven: Why? What’s going on?
Frank: We have a neighbor that works at Branson’s and witnessed everything. I’m paying her off so she doesn’t tell the store she knows who did it. I didn’t even think that your mom might see us out there. What am I going to do?
Steven: Tell her you’re buying Girl Scout cookies!
Frank: You are a genius!
Frank runs back outside to talk to Mimi. She’s talking with Tammi.
Tammi: Frank! Why didn’t you tell me you’re friends with our neighbor? She said she was waiting for you.
Frank: Oh, I was just running in for money. She’s selling Girl Scout cookies.
Tammi: I don’t see any cookies.
Frank: She’ll get them to us, her niece is selling them.
Tammi: That’s very nice. You’re doing a good thing. I remember when I was a Girl Scout. I would always eat boxes of Samoas and nana would have to buy them because mom and dad refused to. Anyway, I’m gonna get to my gardening, it’s getting late and I still have a whole patch of the garden to work on today. I probably shouldn’t have taken that hour-long break to watch The Talk.
Tammi walks off.
Mimi: Alright, you got the cash?
Frank: Yeah, here you go.
Mimi: Alright, thanks. My lips are now sealed.
Frank: Thank you. Pleasure doing business with you.
The next day, in the living room…
Teri: So, Cindy, what did you get mom for Mother’s Day?
Cindy: What do you want to know for? Are you going to copy it?
Teri: I’m just curious. I’m not going to steal it or anything, I already bought my gifts.
Cindy: Do you promise?
Teri: Yes! Why would I copy it? Mom would just get two of the same thing. Nobody wins there.
Cindy: Alright, alright. I guess you’re right.
Teri: When am I not?
Cindy: I got her a sweater with a bird on it.
Teri: No way.
Cindy: It’s nice but it’s not shocking.
Teri: Does it happen to have a cardinal on it.
Cindy: Sure does!
Teri: This is why she makes us lists.
Cindy: Why? I think it’s a good present!
Teri: I got the same thing!
Cindy: When did you buy it?
Teri: On Saturday.
Cindy: What time on Saturday?
Teri: I don’t know, sometime around five thirty.
Cindy: Oh, thank the sweet lord above. I got mine around noon. You have to take yours back.
Teri: How do I know you’re not lying?
Cindy: The receipt is in my purse. Care to see it?
Teri: Yes, in fact I would.
Cindy pulls out the receipt.
Teri: Dammit!
On Mother’s Day, after dinner…
Carlene: I got mums for all the moms in my life! Actually they’re lilies but that’s not a fun pun. I had to sneak them into my room yesterday. I haven’t been around here for very long but I appreciate the love you’ve all shown over these months and I wanted to show my thanks.
Betty: They’re lovely Carlene! I sure hope mine are these pretty purple ones.
Carlene: You can pick whatever you want, you are our matriarch after all!
Betty: I appreciate that. Now, who’s next? Frank and Steven, do you have something for Tammi?
Frank: Yes we do! Steven, do you have it?
Steven: Here mom.
Tammi: I just want to say that I’m so glad you guys went to Branson’s to get this in person. It shows a higher level of thought than just getting it off of Amazon.
Ralph: Hey! I got my gift on Amazon!
Tammi: And I’m sure nana would love it more if you went to the store and got it. You know how she values the care put into picking everything out.
Betty: I don’t really mind.
Tammi: Anyway, I sure hope this is a bottle of perfume. Though I did give it quite a shake so that might smash it.
Frank: Steven, run.
Tammi: How could you lie to me and not tell me you taught my son it was okay to break something at a store and run away from it?
Frank: Oh, you do know!
Tammi: Sure do. I ran into Mimi and she told me everything. Apparently she didn’t realize that I didn’t know already.
Frank: I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you.
Tammi: Are the Girl Scout cookies even real?
Frank: No.
Tammi: You have hurt me today.
Karl: We should move on. I believe Velma said she had something for the moms.
Velma: Mitchell! Get the cards!
Mitchell: Here you all go.
Betty: Oh, a card. That’s sweet. Not really a gift, but sweet.
Velma: Just open them!
Teri: I feel very left out today!
Betty: Give me a grandchild and you’ll get presents on Mother’s Day. It’s not that hard.
Tammi: Hey! You already have a grandchild!
Betty: I know I do! I just want Teri to have one too because I miss having a little one around.
Tammi: Excuse me?
Betty: I’m sorry Steven! I love you. I just meant someone a little younger. Preferably portable.
Steven: Please don’t carry me.
Betty: Wouldn’t dream of it!
Cindy: Velma, this is lovely!
Betty: What is it? I can’t get my envelope open
Cindy: It’s a necklace!
Velma: I wanted to make you all think it was just a card and then surprise you with a pretty little necklace.
Tammi: Thank you, it’s gorgeous.
Velma: I got it from my friend Denise’s jewelry party. I thought of you all right away.
Teri: Can I give my gift to mom now?
Velma: Sure, sure. I don’t know if Betty got to open hers yet but she can look at Cindy’s.
Teri: You’re gonna love this, mom!
Betty: My goodness, you have a nice little pile there for me!
Teri: I put a lot of thought into it just like you like!
Betty: I believe it!
Teri: Open it! You’re gonna love it!
Betty: Aww, you know how much I love Anderson Cooper!
Teri: Even better is that he wrote that book with his mother. It’s very fitting for this occasion.
Betty: I want to know what’s in this box. It’s heavy.
Teri: You’ll see.
Karl: I think I know what it is!
Teri: Quiet dad!
Betty: You got me soap! Do I stink?
Teri: I know how you like the soap I get dad for Christmas, so I figured I’d finally get you some!
Betty: It’s very nice. And thoughtful.
Teri It’s not over! You have one more thing to open!
Betty: Oh, I see. It’s the thing I’m the most curious about.
Teri: You’re going to love it!
Betty opens the package.
Betty: Ahhhh!!!!
Jerry: What is it?
Cindy: It’s not better than my gift, I know it!
Betty: It’s a framed, signed picture of Cher!
Teri: You loved going to that concert last year, this was the perfect gift. And yes Tammi, I got it online.
Tammi: I didn’t say all gifts bought online are bad!
Teri: There’s something else in the box, mom.
Betty: Oh my! Teri, this is so beautiful. Even better than the Cher picture.
Karl: How did you get these pictures?
Teri: Well, I was just looking through some old pictures on Wednesday looking for some inspiration and I found old pictures of your brothers and parents and everyone else that’s passed on that you loved dearly. And I put it all in this collage. I had to make it special.
Betty: This is the most thoughtful gift I’ve ever received!
Cindy: I just want to say that I bought the same thing as Teri and made her get a new one so in a way that collage happened because of me. She wouldn’t have made it if she didn’t need a replacement gift.
Teri: Oh shut it.

This episode is dedicated in loving memory of Barbara, the grandmother of the creator of Our House and the inspiration for Betty, who recently passed away.

What did you think of the episode? Please let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to return next week!

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