Marietta and the team are at a hotel in California.
Amy: Who’s that you were talking to? You had to walk away just to talk with them, it must be serious.
Marietta: Jack Cleaver.
Amy: The congressman?
Marietta: He’s having a campaign event in Charleston next weekend, I said I’d be there.
Karen: When next weekend?
Marietta: Saturday.
Karen: Marietta…
Marietta: What? Am I in trouble?
Karen: Did you not think to check with me first?
Marietta: Am I supposed to?
Karen: I’m your campaign manager, no?
Marietta: Does that mean you’re the boss of me?
Tammy: I think she’s just saying you need to run things by her before you agree to anything. Basically your every move has been planned out weeks in advance already.
Marietta: I know, this is just an important dinner.
Tammy: Don’t get me wrong, I’m well aware of that. Jack Cleaver’s been in Congress since before Mitch was president. His endorsement is king in South Carolina.
Marietta: Exactly, so why was I not already scheduled to appear at his event? He said he called before.
Karen: I think it just fell through the cracks.
Amy: So this is how it ends. We piss off the kingmaker in the state we need to win the most and it all goes down in flames.
Karen: Not necessarily. We’re ahead in the polling there without his endorsement, we can stay there.
Marietta: I’m just confused as to why I got I trouble for agreeing to appear at one of the preeminent campaign events of the cycle.
Karen: Because we’ve got a rally in Massachusetts that evening with the Senate Majority Whip that night.
Marietta: Oh… crap.
Henrietta: Ellie’s flexible! She’ll understand.
Karen: That’s our only event in Massachusetts before the primary, we need to do this. It’s a huge rally with guest appearances in a massive arena. We have to do it.
Marietta: We need the endorsement!
Karen: Meet with him beforehand. We’ll be in South Carolina again soon.
Marietta: You want me to blow off Jack Cleaver?
Karen: Massachusetts is a huge prize. This is our only play for it. We pull out of that rally, it’ll be huge news. They’ll run stories about us yanking resources from the state, say we’re ceding it to Baum. We can’t allow that. Senator Wilson’s endorsement is the only thing keeping us in contention there, anyway. We show weakness there, it’s over.
Marietta: All right, fine. I won’t go to the Cleaver Clambake. We need to send someone, though. A surrogate.
Tammy: I am willing to volunteer my time.
Karen: No, we need you with the team!
Tammy: It’s nice to feel appreciated.
Karen: How about Milton? He’s a big name, they wouldn’t feel too let down to see him there in your place.
Marietta: He’s too busy, I don’t want to ask him to do that on one of his only days off.
Karen: Who are we thinking?
Henrietta: Your mom would gladly do it, I think.
Marietta: Not her! Oh my god, anyone but her.
Tammy: How about Kathleen?
Marietta: Might as well send them both, the gruesome twosome.
Karen: That works! They’re passionate, and who can resist the charms of two sweet old ladies?
Amy: This should end well.
Marietta: Are we seriously doing this?
Karen: Yes, it’s a great idea!
Marietta: Can we at least have Kate go, too? She’s from North Carolina, she can charm that crowd.
Karen: The more, the merrier!
Marietta: I have a feeling I’m not going to be president.
Tammy: Oh, like that makes you so special! None of us will ever be president!
One week later…
Martin: Are you two sure you don’t want me to accompany you? I could help with campaigning, too.
Kathleen: We were the ones asked, and no one likes when people tag along uninvited.
Martin: All right, I guess I’ve got the house to myself again.
Kathleen: You have fun with that! Don’t get into trouble.
Patty Lynn: aww, don’t tease him. We all know the most trouble he could get in is forgetting where he put the remote.
Martin: It just gets up and walks away sometimes, I swear it!
Patty Lynn: Correct, Martin, it absolutely does that.
Martin: I’m glad someone else can see what is plainly obvious to me.
Kathleen: Sometimes he talks like someone who shouldn’t be left alone for an entire weekend.
Martin: What does that mean?
Kathleen: It means what you think it means. See ya, Martin!
Patty Lynn: Wait! I forgot my pills.
Kathleen: You certainly can’t leave without those. Not at your age.
Patty Lynn: You are older than me, you know?
Kathleen: We don’t have to talk about that.
Martin: And I’m oldest of all.
Kathleen: We can tell.
One hour later….
Kathleen: So, another road trip.
Patty Lynn: We seem to do one every year around this time.
Kathleen: You know we could’ve flown this time. Would’ve been much quicker.
Patty Lynn: In this economy?
Kathleen: Because this one last flight is the one that would’ve broken the bank. Not the last eight times we’ve flown to Marietta’s campaign events.
Patty Lynn: Those were different. This one was last-minute.
Kathleen: I’m not really sure how that changes anything, but your spotty logic is fine by me. I quite enjoy a road trip.
Patty Lynn: You do? Since when? You always complain any other time!
Kathleen: I’ve learned to love them. We’ve seen a lot together after all this traveling we’ve done. Plus, it’s a nice reminder that we’ve managed to hold onto our licenses at our old ages. Not everyone can say that!
Patty Lynn: Well… we haven’t always held onto our licenses.
Kathleen: That was a temporary suspension due to an ill-advised alcohol incident, not due to deteriorating driving skills. Totally different!
Patty Lynn: Totally different, but is it really any better?
Kathleen: I can drive fine now, can’t I?
Patty Lynn: I’d appreciate you going a little bit faster, but sure, I guess you’re fine.
Kathleen: I’m going the speed limit.
Patty Lynn: But who doesn’t love life in the past lane?
Kathleen: You! You always yell at anyone when they speed!
Patty Lynn: That doesn’t sound like me.
Kathleen: It sounds exactly like you!
Patty Lynn: Who’s the one yelling now?
Kathleen: Oh my god…
Patty Lynn: It’s not god!
Kathleen: Why do I come on these trips?
Patty Lynn: You love me!
Kathleen: I’d love to kick you!
Patty Lynn: Close enough!
Kathleen: So, are we driving straight through to Charleston or do you have any schemes in mind?
Patty Lynn: Schemes?
Kathleen: You know what I mean.
Patty Lynn: I certainly do not!
Kathleen: We’ll go on a trip, you’ll claim we’re going one place and then “Oh, the World’s Largest Ball of Twine is on the way, let’s stop there!” Then, before you know it, we’ve gone there, and something called a Corn Palace, and a recreation of Stonehenge using cars.
Patty Lynn: And yet, you wouldn’t let me go to the SPAM Museum.
Kathleen: I let you get away with a lot, but even I have to put my foot down eventually.
Patty Lynn: I have nothing in mind this time. It’s a long drive, we’re gonna go as far as we can until we’re hungry, we’ll eat, then straight through from there. Tomorrow will be busy.
Kathleen: We have a ten-minute speaking slot, shared with Kate, at about nine o’clock. Is that “busy?”
Patty Lynn: Well… they say “when in Rome,” so -
Kathleen: Here it is! Here’s the scheme!
Patty Lynn: It’s not a scheme!
Kathleen: It’s not not a scheme! Where do you want to go.
Patty Lynn: Savannah is just across the border from South Carolina.
Kathleen: Oh my god. What’s there?
Patty Lynn: A lot!
Kathleen: Such as…?
Patty Lynn: It’s a very beautiful, historic city.
Kathleen: You know what else is a beautiful, historic city? Charleston!
Patty Lynn: But I’ve been to Charleston! I’ve never been to Savannah. It looks beautiful.
Kathleen: I’m sure it is, but it’s at least an hour away.
Patty Lynn: Two.
Kathleen: You’re not helping your case.
Patty Lynn: I’m aware.
Kathleen: You know, we could’ve driven right through Savannah on the drive in if you hadn’t demanded we take a route to avoid Florida.
Patty Lynn: I don’t care for Florida.
Kathleen: We went on vacation to Florida just a few years ago.
Patty Lynn: And it made my daughter divorce her husband. Not to mention, it was a sticky, hot, miserable mess the whole time. Key Largo? More like the key to my misery.
Kathleen: You have a gift for making my life more difficult and annoying.
Patty Lynn: I try.
Kathleen: How about we make a deal? We get to our hotel early enough tonight that we can get to bed early and get a good night’s sleep, and we can go to Savannah. We’d have to leave early, like 8 AM tomorrow, if you want to go to Savannah.
Patty Lynn: Deal! But only if you don’t purposely slow down the drive so we don’t have to go.
Kathleen: I would never!
Patty Lynn: Don’t act like we just met yesterday. I know your tricks, just like you know mine.
Kathleen: I will be fair. I will go the speed limit.
Patty Lynn: Slightly above.
Kathleen: Not this again!
The next day…
Patty Lynn: Isn’t Savannah beautiful like I told you?
Kathleen: I still don’t see why it’s so much better than Charleston.
Patty Lynn: It’s “pituresque!”
Kathleen: You mean “picturesque?”
Patty Lynn: Close enough! It’s gorgeous!
Kathleen: It is. Is it “drive four hours in one day just to see it” gorgeous? I’m not so sure.
Patty Lynn: There are so many shops and eateries and there’s a trolley tour. We have a busy day!
Kathleen: We should’ve just done this tomorrow, now that I think of it.
Patty Lynn: We’re driving home tomorrow, we wouldn’t have nearly enough time here.
Kathleen: Well, just remember, we need to be out by five at the latest. Two and a half hours to Charleston, we can’t be late.
Patty Lynn: Trust me, we’ll be good. I made an itinerary, it’s planned out to the minute.
Kathleen: I love a good vacation that has a course syllabus.
Patty Lynn: It’s the only way to cram everything in and still get out on time.
Kathleen: Wouldn’t want to miss anything!
Patty Lynn: Exactly!
Kathleen: This is gonna be a great day.
Patty Lynn: I’m glad you can see it!
Later that night, Marietta gets a phone call from Kate…
Kate: Marietta, we have a problem.
Marietta: When don’t we?
Kate: This is a bigger problem than most.
Marietta: What did they do? Did they insult Jack?
Kate: They’d have to be here to insult him. I’m sure he finds their absence insulting, though.
Marietta: They aren’t even there?
Karen: Are you kidding me?
Amy: What’s wrong?
Ellie: Mar! Ben Affleck is just about done! It’s almost time for me to speak, and then it’s go time for you!
Marietta: Keep him going! Tell him you’ll buy him some Dunkin’ if he keeps talking!
Tammy: The whole campaign budget’s about to be spent on Dunkin’ at this rate.
Amy: What is wrong?
Marietta: My mother and my aunt are not at the clambake!
Karen: They could just be running late.
Ellie: Well, South Carolina’s not the end-all, be-all… right?
Marietta: Kate, can you go out and speak for me instead of them?
Kate: I don’t think so. I’m here to schmooze behind the scenes, I don’t want to look like I’m putting my thumb on the scale too much here.
Marietta: You’ve done rallies with me before, though.
Kate: I know, but that’s different from using my position to levy an endorsement for you.
Marietta: Maybe they’ll still show up.
Kate: I can talk to Jack at least. He’ll probably still be mad that he made an exception for you to let your mom and aunt speak on your behalf and then they stood him up, but I have a working relationship with him. I can try and smooth things over. Whether the crowd of fifteen thousand people will accept that or not, that remains to be seen.
Marietta: I appreciate that, thank you.
Kate: It’s no problem. I’ll do anything to keep us from having a talk show host as president.
Marietta: I like Eleanor.
Kate: I do, too. As a person. As a senator. I don’t think she’s qualified to be president.
Marietta: Can we just, uh… let’s not bring that up to Jack. Focus on selling me, not tearing anyone else down.
Kate: Not even Jenny?
Marietta: Ugh, Jenny.
Kate: She really gets under your skin, huh?
Marietta: She keeps over performing expectations, I’m very tired of it.
Kate: I’ll do all I can to keep her from getting Jack’s endorsement.
Marietta: Bless you!
Ellie: No one sneezed.
Marietta: Oh, Ellie.
Ellie: I’m here all week!
Kate: No you’re not, you’re in Washington on Monday.
Ellie: Shh
Marietta: I’ll talk to you soon, Kate. Affleck’s about done talking, I need to get ready for my big speech.
Kate: Talk to you tomorrow! I’ll have a lot to tell you about the event!
Marietta: Sounds like a plan!
One hour later…
Kathleen: Kate, I am so sorry.
Kate: You don’t need to apologize to me. Marietta’s the one that was counting on you, and Jack’s the one you stood up.
Patty Lynn: Our speaking slot is 9:05, it’s 8:57!
Kate: The event started at 7:30, you weren’t here, so you didn’t get listed on the lineup. I haven’t been able to talk to Jack, because he’s out there watching all the speeches and hosting, but the moment’s passed.
Kathleen: It was all Patty Lynn.
Patty Lynn: It was not!
Kathleen: Who wanted to go to Charleston?
Kate: Ladies, I don’t care whose fault it was. It’s very damaging either way for the campaign. I’ll do my best to smooth things over, but everything about this is a disaster for the chances in South Carolina.
Patty Lynn: Let me talk to him.
Kate: I don’t think that would be a good idea.
Patty Lynn: I have a way with people.
Kathleen: Yeah, we know, that’s why it’s a bad idea.
Patty Lynn: Just give me a chance!
Kate: I will try my best to get ahold of him and convince him to talk with you.
Patty Lynn: That’s all I ask! I messed it up, let me fix it.
Ten minutes later…
Kate: Patty Lynn, Kathleen, Congressman Jack Cleaver.
Patty Lynn: Congressman Cleaver, it’s an honor to meet you.
Jack: It’s good to meet you. I got to know your daughter fairly well in Congress, I’m disappointed she couldn’t make it tonight.
Patty Lynn: It’s not her fault at all, sir. He campaign manager scheduled an event in Massachusetts, she couldn’t get out of it. You don’t want to make Ben Affleck angry, you know?
Jack: Sure.
Patty Lynn: I appreciate you giving us a slot to speak on her behalf, and I’m so sorry we were late and the we look like disheveled messes. I am impulsive, and naturally very curious, and I love exploring. In many ways, I’m like a golden retriever puppy. However, much like a dog, I am fiercely protective of who I love. My daughter should not pay for my own mistake, nor should she pay for the scheduling error by her campaign manager. She is so qualified to lead this country, the voters of this party agree based on the polls, and you’d be doing everyone a disservice by not allowing her to be represented at this event in some way. The event is still ongoing, everyone is still here. We were initially scheduled a block to speak anyway, it’s not hard to put us back in. I beg of you to let us talk and let us pitch the case for Marietta’s candidacy to your large crowd of hungry, clam-loving voters.
Jack: I like your passion, and I can tell you believe in every word you said. You two can talk once everyone else is done. I see no harm in it.
Kathleen: I absolutely can not believe that worked.
Kate: Neither can I!
Kathleen: Well, Pat, let’s go clean ourselves up. We have thousands of people to schmooze.
The next day…
Marietta: I just got off the phone with Kate, everyone.
Amy: I feel a pit in my stomach.
Henrietta: They really outdid themselves this time.
Marietta: No, it’s good! John let them speak, and he just called Kate to tell her he’s going to endorse me later tonight. We got him!
Karen: Oh my god, you’re gonna be president.
Marietta: What, like it’s hard?
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!