Aimee walks into her office.
Denise: Oh, thank god you got here! I have something to tell you! It’s pretty cool!
Aimee: Did someone finally call to ask me to cosponsor a bill?
Denise: No, I said it was cool. What’s cool about cosponsoring a bill that’s either certainly passing or certainly not?
Aimee: Sometimes we get a nice little surprise, that’s always fun.
Denise: When?
Aimee: I can’t think of a current example, but -
Denise: Yeah, there’s a reason for that!
Aimee: You’re very negative.
Denise: I’m just saying, the huge Democratic majority has left us redundant. We do constituent work, like you did when you were in the House, and that’s your only major function.
Aimee: When you put it like that, it just sounds sad.
Denise: Luckily, I have something very cool and awesome to cheer you now that I’ve torn you down!
Aimee: Gee, thanks.
Denise: I’m sure you know the show Bake Your Heart Out.
Aimee: The show for grandmas?
Denise: The number one show on television.
Aimee: I’ve heard of it, yes.
Denise: Well, they’re doing a celebrity-centered spinoff, and they want you to be part of it!
Aimee: me?
Denise: You!
Aimee: Why would they ever possibly want me?
Denise: From what the producer said when they phoned the office, they’ve filled out most of the cast, and so far, they’re lacking a “mom type” in the cast. It’s an archetype they typically cast on the show, and there’s no one else that fits that bill so far. They also want a political figure. You kill two birds with one stone! Currently, they’ve got married figure skaters, a washed-up 90s singer, a TV doctor, a WNBA player, and a model.
Aimee: I don’t really bake.
Denise: That’s not really a requirement.
Aimee: It feels like it should be, no?
Denise: They say the bakes are going to be much simpler than on the main show. It’s just dumbed-down filler programming that they’re planing to air over two weeks in May for sweeps.
Aimee: When does it film? I mean, I can’t exactly take time off from the Senate to just bake my heart out!
Denise: I did ask for specifics, it films next month during the recess.
Aimee: Very convenient.
Denise: It certainly is! So is it a yes?
Aimee: I’ll think about it.
Denise: That’s usually a yes
Aimee: It’s nothing more than a “maybe.” Tell them that. Monday, I’ll let you and them know.
Denise: That’s four days! What if they find another political mom type by then?
Aimee: Que sera, sera!
Later that day…
Aimee: Okay, gang. I have a question to ask you.
Gwen: You always do.
Lynette: Don’t you appreciate that she’s so inquisitive?
Gwen: I’d rather just gossip, if I’m being honest, I don’t view myself as the greatest source of advice, to be honest.
Aimee: You were the one who offered to mentor me!
Gwen: I did that to schmooze you when we needed the extra votes to pass bills, I didn’t expect to actually start thinking of you as a friend!
Alec: Oh, that’s… sweet?
Gwen: I try.
Lynette: So what did you need advice on?
Aimee: I’ve been asked to appear on a reality competition show.
Gwen: RuPaul’s Drag Race? I guest judged on there once, it was incredible. Did you know Ru wears sweatpants when he’s at the judge’s desk?
Aimee: I… did not. But that’s not the show that asked me to appear.
Alec: Which one did then? I hope it’s something I watch.
Aimee: They’re doing a short celebrity season of Bake Your Heart Out.
Alec: Oh my god, Sab and I love that show!
Gwen: You would.
Alec: Don’t you watch it?
Gwen: Of course I do, I just don’t go around telling people. It’s not “cool.”
Alec: Agree to disagree. Sam and Diane are incredibly cool and, if I may say so myself, very inspiring.
Lynette: I like it too, but I can’t believe they asked Aimee to do it!
Aimee: Why can’t you believe it?
Lynette: Well… they usually try and find celebrities to do it.
Aimee: And I’m not a celebrity?
Lynette: Not really. Gwen’s the only celebrity in the Senate, really.
Alec: Melody’s a celebrity, she won a gold medal!
Lynette: Okay, Gwen and Melody. The rest of us are public servants.
Gwen: Have you seen the celebrities they cast on these things? Aimee’s famous enough.
Alec: Yeah, she had a whole subsection of the internet absolutely hating her guts just a few weeks ago.
Aimee: We don’t need to remind ourselves of that.
Lynette: I don’t mean to knock Aimee, I just hate when politicians try to make themselves celebrities. Go in, do the work, don’t hog the spotlight. That being said, I love the show, I can’t wait to watch you on it.
Aimee: I’m not sure I want to do it. I don’t even bake!
Gwen: Well, that isn’t good.
Aimee: Yeah, it’s not ideal.
Alec: You know how to, right?
Aimee: I can follow a recipe.
Alec: But you aren’t allowed to follow recipes on Bake Your Heart Out.
Aimee: Yeah, that’s the issue.
Gwen: Also, you’re kinda busy with your job, though it’s not like your vote is all that important.
Aimee: I’m so tired of people saying that. It’s true, I just wish people wouldn’t say it. And it films while we’re on recess. They’re planning to film it all in two weeks, so it won’t interrupt my work whatsoever, aside from delaying a few town halls back in Washington.
Gwen: And really, what’s the point of those anyway? We all know how your next re-election bid ends.
Aimee: Wow, I didn’t realize it was “pick on Aimee day!”
Gwen: Sorry, Lynette hasn’t done anything particularly egregious to poke fun at recently, you doing a baking show without knowing how to bake and getting bullied by a TikTok rockstar are the stranger things this group has done as of late.
Lynette: You guys talk about me like I’m some sort of court jester!
Gwen: If it walks like a duck…
Lynette: I don’t find your little quips funny.
Gwen: Good thing I find it funny enough for the both of us.
Alec: So did we help you make your decision at all?
Aimee: No, not at all. I’m even more confused now than I was before.
Lynette: And that’s what we’re here for!
Later that night…
Aimee: What a day!
Dave: Tough day at work?
Aimee: Are you kidding? I barely even have a job at all anymore. No, I got some interesting news, or, rather, an interesting invite.
Dave: Sounds intriguing. I don’t working for the president is really a good career move for you, though.
Aimee: Oh god, never. I can’t stand that man.
Victoria: Good for you! Stick it to the man!
Aimee: I was actually asked to do something entirely outside of my own comfort zone. You guys know the show Bake Your Heart Out, right?
Victoria: Of course I do! I’m seventy years old, that’s our favorite show!
Dave: I’m not seventy, and I like it.
Aimee: Am I the only person who’s never seen this show?
Victoria: Probably, at least in America. Now, what about it?
Aimee: I’ve been asked to take part in the celebrity spinoff version of it. I asked some of my colleagues for advice, but they were no help. I know you’re both excitable and think I could lasso the moon, but I have no one else, so I need to turn to you two for advice. Be realistic here, should I do it?
Victoria: Of course you should!
Aimee: Before you answer, remember that I do not bake. It’s not that I hate baking or anything, or that I don’t know how, I just never have the time. I’m so rusty, I can’t go into a competition like this just to make a fool of myself.
Victoria: I don’t bake much myself, I prefer to just go to a nice bakery when I’m in the mood for donuts or coffee cakes or cookies. I like to support local businesses.
Dave: We went to run errands last week and you stopped at Starbucks to get a brownie because you “had a craving.”
Victoria: Starbucks is a local business in a way! They provide work to local residents.
Dave: Sure.
Aimee: Keep your heads in the game, guys! I need advice. If I’m going to do this show, I need a way to not make a fool of myself.
Victoria: If we avoided doing anything that could cause us to look foolish, life would be so boring. You certainly wouldn’t be in office right now if you were unwilling to risk looking foolish. You could’ve badly lost any of your previous elections, but fear didn’t stop you! Allow the risk of looking foolish!
Aimee: Risking losing an election is a bit different than going on a popular baking show without knowing how to bake, don’t you think?
Victoria: Sure, but the point still stands. Take chances, it’s what makes life worth living! Besides, they’re both career moves! Running for state house got the ball rolling on your political career, maybe this can get the ball rolling on a TV career. If you lose re-election -
Aimee: Why do people keep bringing that up to me?
Victoria: - you could always get into TV! That senator from Missouri turned her political career into an MSNBC run! You could do that!
Aimee: No thank you. I’m not a TV person.
Victoria: Imagine, you staring in the Real Housewives of Seattle!
Aimee: I don’t live in Seattle.
Victoria: Close enough.
Aimee: This would just be a one-time thing, just for fun. That’s if I even do it.
Dave: If you’re worried about not being able to bake, I know someone who bakes extensively. You should ask her for some lessons!
Aimee: Oh god. Anyone but her.
Dave: Your mother is an excellent baker. She could help you hone your skills. You know the basics, it shouldn’t be all that difficult.
Aimee: She’s so difficult to please, though.
Victoria: I completely get what you’re saying. Cherie’s a very demanding woman. She expects a lot for you, I’ve seen it firsthand. I’m the younger one, I was in your shoes for the longest time until she had kids of her own.
Aimee: You were three years younger. Was she eight years old telling you she was disappointed in you for getting 80% on your spelling test?
Victoria: Yes!
Aimee: See, Dave, this is why I don’t want to bake with her. She’s somewhat of a monster.
Dave: It’s baking, she can’t be that bad.
Victoria: Clearly, you’ve never watched Bake Your Heart Out. Those people are crazy competitive! I think the flour goes right to their brain, gives them hysteria.
Dave: I don’t think they’re so bad. Then again, I watch the Housewives.
Aimee: I guess I could ask her. Maybe it won’t be so bad. I do sort of want to do the show, and it could be a nice way to connect. I don’t get to see her all that much considering how much I work.
Dave: I knew I could convince you!
Aimee: You didn’t really do much convincing. I just took a bit to think about it and realized this is a golden opportunity.
Dave: Fine, don’t give me the credit if you don’t want to.
Victoria: I can’t wait to watch you on TV! Finally, you’re doing something I won’t be embarrassed to tell my friends about!
Aimee: You’re embarrassed to tell your friends about your senator niece?
Victoria: A group of environmentalist leftists who went to Woodstock aren’t exactly the biggest fans of corporate Republicans, not even the most centrist one in the Senate. But baking shows? They love those!
Aimee: The hippies love baking shows? Never knew it.
Victoria: They’re not just hippies, Aimee. They’re also elderly. You know where I visit them? The retirement home.
Aimee: Yeah, that makes more sense.
Two days later…
Kimmy: Dad, is there a reason Aimee’s in our kitchen cowering in the corner, covered in flour?
Ernesto: Don’t you listen? She’s getting baking lessons from your mother.
Kimmy: Why?
Ernesto: Aimee’s doing some celebrity baking show, she needs to spruce up her skills. I think she’s taking it too seriously, but what do I know?
Kimmy: She’s doing Bake Your Heart Out? Oh my god, that’s my favorite show!
Ernesto: Aren’t you a bit young to care about a show like that?
Kimmy: Who says?
Ernesto: It’s a show for grandmothers, no?
Manuela: And she watches it with hers! Don’t be so judgmental, Nesto!
Cherie: I said bake the cookies, Aimee, not burn them! It’s supposed to be a lovely brown, not black!
Aimee: I forgot it was in there, I’m sorry!
Cherie: The judges won’t just accept apologies, they’ll send you home!
Aimee: If this is how they’ll react to a mistake, I’m okay with going home!
Cherie: My daughter is not about to get out-baked by a WNBA lesbian -
Aimee: You can’t say that anymore.
Cherie: A ditzy model, a talk show doctor and a stand-up comedian not good enough to make SNL.
Aimee: How do you know the cast list?
Cherie: Your sister’s been talking about the speculated cast for weeks, this is her favorite show.
Aimee: It is?
Kimmy: It sure is! I’ve picked up quite a bit over the years watching it. Mom’s never let me actually bake any of the recipes myself, because she rules this kitchen, but I know all the fancy techniques that Frances and Garry look for.
Cherie: You make it sound like I’m a tyrant who thinks she’s the only one in the house who can cook or bake.
Manuela: You are one!
Cherie: Not helpful! No, I’m just afraid that, knowing you and all you’re capable of, you will burn down our house if put in charge of an oven. Speaking of which…
Aimee: Oh, crap, I’m sorry! I forgot they were in there while you were yelling at me.
Cherie: Of course you did.
Kimmy: How about this, you teach her all the knowledge you’ve gained from decades of firsthand experience, and I can teach her all the technical flare they highlight on the show that they’ll be looking for in Aimee’s bakes?
Cherie: I suppose that would be acceptable.
Kimmy: We’re gonna have so much fun!
Aimee: Yes, fun, that’s what I’m having.
Three weeks later…
Kimmy: Come on, Aimee, spill all the details! What is this, the third day?
Aimee: Kimmy, you know I’m not allowed to tell you anything. I signed a contract.
Kimmy: Come on, your secrets are safe with me!
Aimee: I’m really not even supposed to be on the phone with you right now. They allow us phones for emergencies, and to entertain ourselves, not to communicate with family.
Kimmy: I’m just dying to know how you’re doing! Clearly, you’re still in.
Aimee: I am.
Kimmy: I got ya! I’ll leak that to the press if you don’t tell me everything that’s happened!
Aimee: Okay, fine. I was in the top the first week, that was really exciting. Marnie Marcus, the WNBA player, she went home.
Kimmy: I figured she’d be gone, her cooking TikToks were funny, but only because she was so bad at cooking.
Aimee: The figure skater won. You know which one.
Kimmy: The woman.
Aimee: Yes. The next day, I… don’t want to talk about how I did.
Kimmy: Oh, Aimee! The bottom already?
Aimee: Look, I don’t know how to make an eclair, they ripped me from my comfort zone.
Kimmy: Well, you survived. Moving on.
Aimee: No, I did’t tell you who won yet!
Kimmy: You’re spilling everything!
Aimee: Might as well!
Kimmy: I may have wanted to watch semi-unspoiled. Ah, nah. Go ahead.
Aimee: Estelle German from almost every 80s sitcom won that one. Serena from The Dame went home, she was in the bottom the first episode, too.
Kimmy: Interesting. I don’t know those people!
Aimee: Yeah, you’re not gonna know most of these people. Episode three! Guess who won!
Kimmy: You?
Aimee: No, I was safe! Lady skater again! Yeah, Mrs. Brewer did great. Mr. Brewer…
Kimmy: He went home?
Aimee: No, he was in the bottom, though. He looked relieved, she looked heartbroken. Clearly, she made him do this, can’t live without him or whatever.
Kimmy: I hate happy couples.
Aimee: Your boyfriend dump you?
Kimmy: Other way around!
Aimee: Freddy Carmichael went home. He calls himself a comedian. I saw no evidence of that.
Kimmy: Wow, brutal!
Aimee: Not as bad as every time he did “comedy.”
Kimmy: All caught up now?
Aimee: Nope, I just finished filming episode four! It was a big one, I won!
Kimmy: Aimee! Good job!
Aimee: You trained me well! The judges were delighted with… whatever the hell I made today, I barely even remember. Something with raspberries
Kimmy: I like raspberries.
Aimee: It was a big shock in the bottom, because Jacqueline Brewer ended up in the bottom two.
Kimmy: Oh no! The midseason elimination of a frontrunner! My favorite trope!
Aimee: Eh, not really. Dr. Scott Kennerly was eliminated instead, I think they saved Jacqueline because she’s too good.
Kimmy: Fraud!
Aimee: A little, but I’m not scared of her.
Kimmy: So who else is in there yet?
Aimee: Me, the Brewers, Estelle, the singer Tyler Naymar, and the supermodel Meghan Larsson. Tyler and Jacqueline are the biggest threats, I think. Maybe Estelle, too, but I think she’s losing steam.
Kimmy: You can do this, Aimee. Go win it!
Aimee: I’m certainly going to try.
One week later…
Sam: Aimee, Andrew, Jacqueline, you have all helped make our first-ever season of Celebrity Bake Your Heart Out an incredibly memorable one.
Diane: Between the witty banter between all of you and the impressive baking skills you’ve all displayed, it’s been a memorable season, and we can’t believe it’s already come to an end.
Frances: On behalf of all of the other judges, I just want to thank you for your hard work this season. This is meant to be a fun, lighthearted competition, but you three gave it your all, and you’re all worthy of this win.
Sam: Unfortunately, only one of you can win, and one of you came in third place.
Diane: Andrew, you made it clear this was not your area of expertise, but you surprised us and yourself with your hidden talent. You are pour third place contestant, but we salute your great effort this season.
Sam: And now for our winner. Jacqueline, Aimee, it’s been a competitive season, filled with ups and downs for both of you, you should both be so proud. However, the one and only champion of the first-ever season of Celebrity Bake Your Heart Out is…
Sam and Diane: Jacqueline!
Diane: Congratulations, Jacqueline!
Two days later…
Dave: Welcome home, Aimee!
Victoria: How was the show?
Aimee: I don’t want to talk about it!
Dave: Oh boy.
Aimee: So close! So far! I can’t believe I went to Rhode Island for that!
Dave: It’s okay, we’re still so proud of you for going outside of your comfort zone.
Aimee: We are NEVER watching figure skating in this house ever again!
What did you think of this episode of Evergreen Aimee? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
