Betty is in the kitchen.
Betty: Hey, Cindy, I’m almost out of my tea.
Cindy: What tea?
Betty: The tea I drink every afternoon.
Cindy: Well, I work, so I never see that.
Betty: I work, too! That’s where I drink my tea. It makes me more productive.
Jerry: There’s a lot of caffeine in it. I don’t think it’s healthy for a woman her age.
Betty: A woman my age?
Cindy: You stepped in it now.
Jerry: Are we supposed to act like she’s young?
Cindy: Oh, you made it worse!
Betty: I’m not so feeble and old that caffeinated tea could kill me. And I brought it up because I was wondering if you could order me some off of Amazon.
Ralph: As if we don’t give Bezos enough money.
Teri: Not just Bezos. Also Walmart, Target, Uber Eats, and any other evil corporation you could imagine having speedy delivery.
Frank: Corporations aren’t “evil” just because they enjoy making money. They’d shut down otherwise!
Teri: Oh my god, shut the hell up, Frank!
Tammi: I have to agree with them on this one. I get what you’re saying, but you knew quite well that siding with Jeff Bezos wasn’t going to go over well.
Betty: okay, but can someone order my tea? It’s an Amazon exclusive, and I’m not allowed to use Amazon unsupervised anymore.
Velma: What? Why not?
Karl: Prime Day…
Betty: We don’t talk about it. But I got a lovely laminator and a DVD of the Gary Oldman movie Darkest Hour and a teddy bear.
Karl: And you ended up having to give all of it away as gifts, because they just sat, unopened.
Betty: So in a way, it was early Christmas shopping.
Tammi: Is that why I got an egg cooker for Christmas that one year?
Karl: Oh, it’s absolutely why.
Teri: I knew there was a reason you got me a hand puppet!
Betty: It was cute!
Teri: I wore it as a sock by accident.
Cindy: I’ll order it for you, mom. Just let me know what it is when I get a chance to get on my computer.
Betty: Thank you!
Danielle: I’m not happy with Amazon. Our packages keep not getting delivered.
Teri: Huh?
Danielle: I’ve ordered a bunch of stuff recently. It never shows up.
Ralph: And you kept ordering?
Danielle: I thought it was a coincidence once. Four times? Feels like a pattern.
Cindy: Did you check the website?
Danielle: It says it was delivered!
Mitchell: I ordered KFC off Uber Eats a week ago, never came.
Velma: You ordered KFC from Uber Eats? Are you kidding me? We have chicken in the freezer!
Teri: Hey, being less cheap won’t kill either of you.
Ralph: I think it’s obvious what’s happening.
Danielle: You do?
Ralph: Someone’s stealing our packages.
Betty: Stealing? Oh, I don’t believe that! Not in our safe community!
Jerry: We should’ve never fought against making this a gated community, the thieves wouldn’t have been able to get in if it were gated,.
Teri: What if the thieves are from the neighborhood? There are some sketchy people around the block.
Betty: There are no thieves! It’s all a misunderstanding. Maybe it’s getting delivered to the wrong house.
Ralph: I admire your naiveté.
Betty: It’s not naive to see the best in people.
Ralph: Oh, it absolutely is. People are animals!
Betty: I still have faith in humanity. We’ll double check the address we enter when we order my tea, and then it will be here on time, right on our porch. Trust me!
Jerry: What’s the plan if it’s not?
Betty: No need to worry about that.
Mitchell: I’m hoping her tea does get stolen. It makes her way too hyper at work, it’d be nice to just slow down for a while.
Velma: Are you that lazy that you can’t keep up with an eighty year old?
Mitchell: An eighty year old hopped up on caffeine!
Betty: Don’t bother wishing for the tea to not come, because it will be here.
Two days later..
Betty: Did anyone bring any packages in?
Ralph: What’s the matter, did your tea not come?
Betty: It could be delayed.
Cindy: No, it says it was already delivered.
Betty: Maybe I just didn’t look in the right place. It could’ve been placed in the mailbox.
Cindy: It says it was put on the front porch.
Betty: All right. We have a problem.
Danielle: We certainly do!
Teri: May I suggest having Ralph camp out on the porch waiting for deliveries when we know we’re getting them?
Steven: Yeah, I ordered a very special Valentine’s Day present for Alysa that I spent a whole month’s salary on, over $70.
Teri: That’s a month’s salary? Mom, are you running a sweatshop?
Betty: He works one day a week for four hours, and he’s exaggerating.
Frank: What did you get her?
Steven: Well, she plays on the girls’ basketball team at school, so I got her a signed picture of one of her favorite WNBA players.
Frank: Oh, Caitlin Clark.
Steven: Are you kidding? I could never afford that!
Mitchell: There are other WNBA players?
Velma: Idiot.
Frank: How much could that possibly cost?
Steven: Hundreds of dollars. Sometimes thousands. No, WNBA champion Sabrina Ionescu of the New York Liberty, that’s $70 territory.
Jerry: New York? I hope it does get stolen.
Danielle: Says the Dallas Cowboys fan!
Teri: Why did this conversation have to turn to sports? I don’t care for sports.
Betty: The point is, in order to protect all of our packages, including the nonsense Steven bought as a Valentine’s gift -
Steven: She’s one of Alysa’s heroes!
Betty: We need to find a way to catch this guy, and the best way is to get him on video doing it.
Jerry: How do we know it’s a guy?
Teri: It’s always a guy.
Danielle: I don’t know, Velma loves money enough to do something like this, I think.
Velma: I’m frugal, I’m not a criminal.
Tammi: So the solution here is a security camera?
Betty: Yes. It may discourage them from stealing in the first place, but even if it doesn’t, at least we can get them on camera and that could help the cops catch them.
Tammi: I feel like the camera has to cost more than all the stolen goods?
Betty: It’s about the principle! You don’t steal other people’s things!
Tammi: I definitely agree with that. It just all feels impractical to go on a manhunt for the guy who stole a box of tea.
Jerry: Guy or girl! It’s 2025, we have to be inclusive!
Teri: You people drive me nuts.
Jerry: Hey, I’m just going along with what your side says we should do, being inclusive. I don’t want to be a misogynist.
Teri: And yet…
Betty: I’m going to get a security camera. I’m going to Home Depot to get it, because I can’t order off of Amazon, or it would get stolen, and that sort of defeats the whole purpose, no?
Cindy: Now? It’s dinner time. It’s almost ready.
Betty: Desperate times call for desperate measures. Make me up a plate, I can reheat it.
Teri: Of all the nights she says this, it’s the night Cindy made seafood scampi.
Velma: We’re gonna smell that for a week.
Betty: It’s worth it for the sake of security!
Velma: I think I’d rather be robbed than smell scallops in the microwave.
Two days later…
Betty: I bring bad news.
Ralph: When don’t you?
Karl: What’s wrong, dear?
Betty: We were getting a delivery today, I’m forget what it was, but I ordered it as a test.
Cindy: We sure do hate wasting money.
Betty: Not only is the package gone, the camera is destroyed!
Teri: Dammit, Frank!
Frank: Don’t rope me into this!
Teri: It’s fun to blame you for things.
Betty: Guys, this is serious. This is targeted. We are being watched, they knew the camera was there, and they had a plan for it.
Velma: Did you get any footage of the attack?
Betty: They knew exactly how to stay out of sight. I looked back at the footage and there was nobody in sight and then bam, destroyed.
Danielle: Do we think maybe we should call the police and tell them about this? Now it’s theft and destruction of property. That’s a misdemeanor in Virginia.
Jerry: It should be a felony, but -
Karl: We have a Republican governor, so don’t even blame the Democrats.
Jerry: I was not going to blame the Democrats! I just wanted to blame the governor for acting like one!
Betty: I don’t want to call the cops. I don’t think there’s anything they can do, not without any evidence. It’s a few packages, it’s not like they can do a stakeout over that.
Teri: Wow, mom’s being reasonable about something! You don’t see that every day.
Betty: I’m going to get a new camera though.
Velma: That’s a waste of money, they’ll just break it again.
Betty: This one will be hidden. I got a cheaper one that was more obvious last time, but if it can put an end to this saga, I’ll spend more money.
Teri: There’s the insanity we’ve come to expect.
Danielle: I’m on her side. I’m sick of our stuff being stolen! Has anything not been stolen in the last two weeks?
Tammi: Not that I can recall.
Teri: So I see how that may be a problem.
Jerry: I have a gun, if you get my drift.
Betty: We’re not shooting anyone.
Jerry: Not even one criminal? Betty, I’m willing to stay home just one day to be your security system.
Betty: There’s no way they’ll come steam it if they see you out there.
Jerry: I’ll sit right at the window, he’ll never see it coming.
Betty: That’s an interesting idea…
Karl: No! You are not shooting anyone!
Jerry: I’d use tranq darts!
Betty: I think let’s just focus on getting the culprit on camera. We don’t need to commit any crimes in the process.
Jerry: Your mistake…
The next day…
Anita: I apologize for the last-minute meeting, but several members of the board have come to me with the same issue, and it demanded out immediate attention. Our community has been under attack from thieves. One thief, two thieves, we don’t know how many. However, packages are being stolen as soon as they’re delivered across the neighborhood. I have personally informed the local post office about this issue, they have been lovely and are coordinating the deliveries of packages that are too large to place in the mailbox with residents, in order to avoid theft. Amazon packages are another issue, and we’ve been unable to work anything out with them. We’re in the process of talking to UPS and FedEx about this. Obviously, our priority would be to actually catch these criminals. We can’t expect everyone in the neighborhood to be home all the time to get their packages at the door, but the board here has decided, and I agree, that that’s a better solution than having all of your packages stolen.
Betty: This has been a terrible frustration for me and for my family. Anita, thank you for organizing this to raise awareness.
Anita: You’re thanking me?
Lianne: Someone check the weather in hell, it must be getting chilly down there.
Betty: You’re doing the right thing. We all need to be aware of this threat to our way of life.
Anita: I agree, thank you Betty! That’s the spirit we need! We need to come together, as a community, and catch these people.
Amelia: How about a neighborhood watch?
Betty: Honey, I appreciate the idea, but no.
Anita: This is happening in broad daylight, as packages are delivered. I don’t think a neighborhood watch would be any use. This is happening when everyone is at work, not when we’re home to spot the theft.
Amelia: It was worth mentioning.
Anita: I agree, it was. I don’t know what the solution is.
Betty: I’ve installed a hidden camera so we can see them. I’m honestly shocked no one else here has one.
Anita: I have one, but this person’s good. Their whole face is covered, you can’t see them at all. Their clothing is plain, nothing identifiable. This is someone that knows what they’re doing.
Betty: My son-in-law has offered to shoot this person, in case anyone else is interested in that.
Anita: I think we’d all prefer to avoid killing anyone, I appreciate the offer, though.
Lianne: Seeing you two getting along is just not natural. Is something up?
Anita: The enemy of my enemy is my friend.
Lianne: I can put my security team on the job. Watching my house all day is a very boring job, this’ll give them something to do.
Betty: If you have a security team, how haven’t they caught the thief yet?
Lianne: Oh, I don’t order things off the internet. I have an assistant to go buy everything for me. I’m not gonna wait two days for something to be delivered when I have someone that can get it in an hour!
Anita: Well, I think that’s that problem solved.
Lianne: Not so fast. I don’t want this put on me the next time someone’s delivery gets stolen!
Anita: We’ll just hope it’s solved, no promises.
Lianne: Sounds good to me.
The next day…
Betty: Frank, if you’re going to be a lazy bum, can you do me a favor?
Frank: I’m home sick, that’s not being lazy.
Betty: You’re on the couch drinking tea and eating soup all day. Like a bum.
Karl: Betty, lay off of him. He’s got… well, I don’t know what exactly, but something wrong with him.
Betty: You can say that again.
Frank: While she has chosen to take what you said as a dig, I know you meant to be supportive.
Karl: I’m glad you took it that way. That’s the correct way to take it, but, some people are immature.
Betty: I am not!
Frank: So what’s the favor? I can’t do much feeling like this, but I’ll try to get whatever done.
Betty: I’m getting a delivery today. It says it’ll be here between two and four. Just keep an eye out for it, please. Then get it off the porch as soon as it’s dropped off. I don’t want it stolen.
Frank: I think I can do that.
Betty: Good, I’d certainly hope you’re capable of that.
Later that day…
Frank: Ha! Raymond, you are one funny bastard. I see why everybody loves you. Ah, I think Betty’s package is here. What to do? Do I let it get stolen because she’s so mean to me? Or do I pick it up to prove I’m not totally useless. It’s a tough choice. Let’s be nice, I’ll go get it. Let’s prove my worth a bit.
Frank walks to the front door, slowly, and opens the door to see a man on the porch grabbing the package.
Frank: Oh, that is not yours! Drop it! Come back here!
Frank runs out of the house and chases the thief down, tackling them.
Frank: I said, that is not yours! You have been causing us enough trouble, give it back NOW!
Frank wrestles the package out of the thief’s hands and uses the belt of his robe to tie the thief’s hands while he calls the police.
Frank: Yeah, I’d like to report a man stealing packages from my porch. I caught him!
Later that night…
Betty: I just can’t believe this happened. That man’s been causing grief around the neighborhood for weeks, we all had security cameras to try and catch him, and Lianne’s security team didn’t get him, but FRANK caught him?
Frank: I’m not so useless after all, am I?
Teri: You earned your keep today.
Karl: The good thing is, the police say they went to the thief’s house and found thousands of dollars of stolen items from porches, most of it unused. It’s evidence for now, but they said they’re going to allow all of us to eventually claim our stolen wares. It helps that a lot of the items were still in their shipping boxes with the labels on, so it’s easy to prove it’s stolen.
Betty: I’m still keeping the new security camera up there, you never know when someone else is gonna have the genius idea to mess with us again.
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
