MANNY
We’re on network TV on prime time! Who’s excited?!
FELIX
Are we though? As far as I can tell none of us are in the game.
HARRY
I’m just mad that I can’t bail after the fifth inning without everyone making a big fuss out of it.
MANNY
Look, prime time games aren’t great for those of us who don’t enjoy staying the whole game, but you never know what can happen!
ACE
Do we really have to stay for the whole game though? I’m a little nervous about screwing up.
LORENZO
Fake a stomach issue.
ACE
I don’t think I’ll have to fake it.
LORENZO
Harry, whip Ace up a couple burgers.
FELIX
Lorenzo, what exactly do you have in mind when you hear the phrase stomach issue?
LORENZO
Hunger.
FELIX
Of course you do.
CHARLES
Ace, think of it this way: baseball ratings are down this season. There’s probably only going to be a couple million people watching.
ACE
A couple MILLION? I was thinking a few hundred thousand!
CHARLES
What do you think this is, WSPN 4?
DEVIN
Oh I love WSPN 4! There’s a song that’s special to me that I need to hear and they always play it.
MANNY
Is there even a TV or radio station named WSPN 4?
CHARLES
I made up something obscure to prove the point that there’s gonna be way more people watching this than Ace thought. Devin I have no clue what you’re talking about.
HARRY
Nobody cares either.
CHARLES
Harry! That’s harsh!
HARRY
What, you really want to hear Devin go on and on about some lame song?
DEVIN
It’s not lame!
MANNY
Guys, focus here! Aren’t we talking about how Ace is nervous and should be even more nervous?
ROBERT
I don’t think that’ll help anything.
MANNY
I never said it would help.
ROBERT
I have a proposition. We just ignore the bullpen phone for as long as we can.
LORENZO
How are we gonna do that?
ROBERT
Harry, do you have anything sticky?
HARRY
Uh…yeah.
FELIX
I think I have a feeling he does.
LORENZO
Harry, you brought the cotton candy, right?
HARRY
You already ate most of it but there’s still some left.
ROBERT
Perfect. Harry, cover this bench with the inside of cotton candy. Then we’ll all sit on it. We’ll practically be glued to the seats.
HARRY goes through with ROBERT’s idea. Everyone sits down. The bullpen phone rings four times over the course of the first eight innings. In the ninth inning, it rings again.
FELIX
I can’t take this any longer.
FELIX struggles to stand up and runs to the phone.
FELIX
Indianapolis Primitives bullpen, Felix speaking.
After a pause.
FELIX
Oh.
FELIX hangs up the phone with force.
FELIX
Lorenzo, they want you to pitch.
LORENZO
Even I know that’s a bad idea.
FELIX
Great for ratings though!
LORENZO
Alright, here goes nothing.
LORENZO has trouble standing up. CHARLES and DEVIN grab his hands and help lift him up. He runs onto the field with cotton candy still stuck on him. The big screen in the outfield focuses on LORENZO’s stained uniform.
ACE
Well that’s gonna be on the highlight reel tomorrow.
MANNY
It’s already all over the Internet.
FELIX
Let’s get out of here before we watch all our outfielders risk having season-ending injuries just to stop Lorenzo from blowing the game.
Everyone leaves. LORENZO gets through his inning and throws a one-man party for himself in the bullpen with the remaining cotton candy, including what is stuck on the bench.