Raymond Island Season 3 Episode 2 - The Seider House Rules

Raymond Island Season 3, Episode 2

The Seider House Rules

Gretchen is sitting in her office when Hank and Jeanne walk in.

Gretchen: Susana! Carol! Security! Someone!

Hank: Don’t worry, madam governor. We’re not here to kill you.

Jeanne: Just kill your dreams a little.

Gretchen: Security!

Hank: What are they going to do? Remove two members of the state government from the state government building? This is the only place on earth where politicians are welcomed.

Gretchen: You’re in my office, and you’re certainly not welcome here. Not without a good reason to be here in the first place.

Jeanne: Look, Gretchen. We all agree that there’s no good reason for you to be in public office -

Gretchen: Can you tell me why you’re here so you can get the hell out?

Hank: It brings me absolutely no pleasure to say this -

Gretchen: I’m sure that’s true.

Hank: Rhode Island is losing a US House seat in 2022 after the 2020 census.

Gretchen: I’ve heard, yeah. I’m the governor of Rhode Island.

Hank: Well, Rob Seider is afraid of having to face a challenge from Celine Morgan because he thinks she’d be able to unite too many factions of the party against him.

Jeanne: Personally, I agree, but I told him to run anyway to avoid… well, what’s about to come.

Gretchen: Which is…?

Hank: Rob is going to retire from the House and instead run against you.

Gretchen: Why would that upset you, Jeanne? It barely upsets me.

Jeanne: He’s a friend of mine, I don’t want to see him embarrass himself.

Gretchen: I’m glad we agree this would be an idiotic move for him. I’d crush him.

Hank: Anyway…

Jeanne: We just wanted to do you the courtesy of telling you before you found out online or on television.

Gretchen: You thought I would freak out and wanted to see it in person.

Jeanne: Well, that too. But mostly we’re just very kind people.

Gretchen laughs loudly

Carol: What’s going on in here?

Jeanne: You weren’t here to guard her and she had to deal with us. So scary.

Carol: Did they harm you in any way?

Gretchen: Just my eyes and ears.

Hank: I have a feeling we’re not respected around here. I think it’s time to go.

Jeanne: You’d think we’d get some more respect after we just did the governor a favor, but some people don’t have any respect anymore.

Gretchen: Thank you for being the braying asses you always are, I appreciate it so much!

Jeanne: See you at the budget meeting tomorrow? Or will you be too busy watching The View to do that?

Gretchen: Must you always antagonize me? You’re starting to sound almost as bitter as Samantha.

Samantha: Was my name mentioned?

Gretchen: My god, you’re like Beetlejuice.

Samantha: I was walking by and heard my name, would you also not look to see if someone was calling for you?

Gretchen: There’s no way you heard that from the hallway.

Samantha: Fine, I was coming to talk to you.

Jeanne: I sort of want to hear this, but at the same time, I sort of don’t.

Hank: Let’s just go. Don’t give Gretchen the satisfaction?

Gretchen: You’re right, you’re really owning me by walking away! I feel so owned!

Hank: Do you hear something?

Jeanne: No, you?

Hank: Nope.

Gretchen: They are so childish. Now, what do you want, you meanie?

Samantha: Have you heard about Rob Sei-

Gretchen: Yes. Is that all?

Samantha: Pretty much, yeah.

Gretchen: I know you’re afraid he’ll make you lose. You’re right. Oh well.

Samantha: Are you going to act like an adult?

Gretchen: Why start now?

Samantha: If you don’t want to discuss this, I can just go.

Carol: The door is here, please use it.

Gretchen: Why would I want to discuss this with you of all people? You’re the competition!

Samantha: Come on, Gretchen. You’re the only one who can relate to me about this.

Gretchen: To being stabbed in the back? I’m sure you can find other people out there who were betrayed like I was by you.

Samantha: You talk like we’re friends. We aren’t and never were.

Gretchen: So why do you want to have a gal pal chat about Rob Seider running for governor?

Samantha: You know what? Never mind. Let me go cut a few new ads to use against both of you.

Gretchen: Have a nice day!

Susana walks into the office.

Susana: Did I just see Samantha in here?

Carol: Sadly…

Susana: What’s that about?

Carol: She came to talk to Gretchen about Rob Seider.

Susana: That’s weird, so did I.

Gretchen: Why is everyone coming to talk to me about this today?

Susana: Why, who else talked to you about it?

Gretchen: Hank and Jeanne. It’s been a rough morning.

Susana: I’m so sorry for your struggle.

Gretchen: Thank you, I don’t know how I got through it.

Carol: Now that it’s just us, how are you really feeling about this Seider situation? As nervous as I am?

Gretchen: I don’t love it. He’s been in office for seven terms and he represents half the state in Congress. That’s a big opponent there.

Susana: You already have one big opponent, you really don’t need two.

Gretchen: I don’t, but what am I going to do about it? It’s not like I can go to Rob and beg him not to run.

Susana: We can do some oppo research on him. See if he’s ever been arrested or if he has a habit for accepting bribes.

Carol: As if that would stop anyone from voting for him.

Gretchen: So what’s our plan here? Start packing the office and getting it ready for Rob?

Carol: Let me throw out an idea.

Gretchen: Whenever you’re ready, your majesty.

Carol: Rob’s only running to avoid a primary against Celine Morgan. What if we get rid of Celine so Rob can keep his House seat.

Gretchen: Carol, we’re not killing a congresswoman.

Carol: We won’t kill her!

Susana: I’d hope not.

Carol: We’ll just give her a new job. Open her up to a whole new world of possibilities.

Gretchen: She’s been in office for five months, she’s probably still getting lost in the Capitol. Why would she already want a new job? And what could I give her that would be better than Congress?

Susana: Get her to run for Lieutenant Governor!

Gretchen: That is not a step up from Congress. What does a Lieutenant Governor even do?

Carol: Antagonizes the governor. Cuts a few ribbons. That’s it.

Gretchen: That doesn’t sound like a new enticing offer to me. Can we think of anything else? Anything at all?

Carol: What if we trick her into getting onto a hot air balloon and then send her off into the air with no way to get down?

Gretchen: We aren’t killing anyone!

Carol: It wouldn’t kill her, just get rid of her for a while.

Gretchen: We’re not making her go missing!

Carol: It was a joke anyway.

Gretchen: You sure are full of those. Not many helpful ideas, though.

Carol: That is so hurtful.

Gretchen: You know what’s really hurtful? That I'm probably going to lose my job.

Carol: Do we not say this every week?

Susana: We do…

Gretchen: This time I mean it! How am I going to survive a primary where my lieutenant governor AND a member of Congress are both running against me? It projects such weakness to have two big challengers like that in a race where I’m the incumbent. I might as well just drop out now.

Carol: Did I just hear THE Gretchen Raymond suggest throwing in the towel? Since when did you ever care about the odds? You ran for the US House as a young mom -

Gretchen: I was thirty-five, I wasn’t that young.

Carol: That’s like twelve in politician years.

Gretchen: That is true.

Carol: You were never elected before you ran for the US Congress and you won. No one thought you would but you did, because you connect with people. Why would you throw in the towel now?

Gretchen: Because I don’t want to go out in such an embarrassing way. I’ve had my share of embarrassments over my career, I’d rather end on somewhat of a high.

Susana: Can I suggest something? Because I have an idea and maybe that’ll stop you from being so sad.

Carol: Lord knows she needs that.

Susana: You can appoint Celine Morgan to the state supreme court. Justice Conetta just announced his retirement, Celine was a lawyer before she went to Congress, it could be a great fit for her.

Gretchen: That’s actually quite smart. It’s a lifetime position, that’s very appealing to any politician. We love eternal power.

Carol: I’m glad you’re self-aware.

Gretchen: It’s my greatest asset.

Susana: Should I call up Congresswoman Morgan and get her in here for a meeting?

Gretchen: That would be great, thanks.

There is a knock at the door.

Gretchen: Oh god, who is it now? Lucifer in the flesh?

Carol: He’d be more welcome than Samantha and Hank and Jeanne, at least.

Lucinda: Hello Gretchen!

Gretchen: Ah! It is Lucifer!

Lucinda: Is that any way to talk to your mother?

Christina: Yeah, mom. Be nice to grandma.

Gretchen: What are you two doing here?

Lucinda: I always feel so welcome when I’m near you, dear.

Gretchen: Don’t call me dear. It scares me.

Lucinda: It scares me, too. It’s so unlike me.

Gretchen: Can someone answer me? Why’d you stop in today?

Lucinda: Christina and I were out for an early lunch and she wanted to stop in to talk to you about something, I don’t know what.

Gretchen: Well, fire away. I’m not really that busy.

Christina: Did you hear about Rob Seider running for governor? I just read it on my phone!

Gretchen: Oh my god! Why is everyone telling me about this today?

Christina: Why else told you?

Gretchen: Everyone I have interacted with all day.

Christina: Really?

Gretchen: Really!

Carol: Not me! I had no clue about it.

Lucinda: We knew that, Carol.

Carol: Oh, Lucinda. What a pleasure to see you today.

Lucinda: It should be. I am beloved.

Gretchen: Was that all you were here for?

Christina: Pretty much, but, it’s nice to see you. It wasn’t a completely wasted trip.

Lucinda: Yes it was. Let’s get home, I only left Toby with enough battery power on his iPad to last until one.

Gretchen: You left my son home alone? Why is he not at school?

Lucinda: Got you!

Gretchen: Very funny, mother.

Christina: I’m just impressed that grandma played a prank on you, that’s so unlike her. I’m also impressed that she knows what an iPad is.

Lucinda: I’m not as behind-the-times as you all like to think I am. I know things. I listened to a Maroon 5 song on the way over here today.

Christina: Maroon 5 is not cool, and also, you didn’t know who they were and turned the song off after twenty seconds.

Gretchen: That’s great, guys. Do you want to talk to me about anything else or are you just going to bicker?

Christina: I guess we can go if you want us to. See you at home.

Gretchen: You can stay if you want. Don’t look so depressed, I’ll never throwing you out.

Christina: I’m not depressed. I’m just pondering.

Gretchen: Pondering what?

Christina: The situation with Rob Seider.

Gretchen: Oh my god, why is everyone so obsessed with this man?

Carol: You were just ready to pack up your office and throw in the towel because of him, don’t you fall in the same group as everyone else?

Gretchen: I’m not afraid to fire you, Carol. Susana can just pick up the slack.

Susana: Was my name mentioned? I didn’t hear, I’m still on hold with Celine’s office.

Lucinda: We’re gonna go…

Susan: Oh, I just got through!

Lucinda: Okay, good luck with Celine Dion.

Three days later…

Susana: Governor Raymond, Congresswoman Morgan is here to see you.

Gretchen: Thanks, Susana.

Celine: Governor Raymond! It’s so lovely to see you! I was surprised that you wanted to talk to me today.

Gretchen: Well, I have a proposal for you.

Celine: Do you want my endorsement in the primary? Of course I’ll endorse you, LG Pratt is essentially a Republican and Rob Seider is an idiot.

Gretchen: So he’s running?

Celine: Not officially, but, yeah. He’s quite intent on it with his district being abolished.

Gretchen: Well, it’s an at-large district now. He can still run in it.

Celine: He’s afraid of me. Probably because I chased him down once like ten years ago to try to get him to sign onto a climate regulation bill. He ran right into a glass door, it was so funny.

Gretchen: Enough about him, though. I’ve heard so much about him the past few days. Let’s talk about you.

Celine: Okay, let’s.

Gretchen: Are you happy in Congress?

Celine: Is anyone? It’s tiring, it can be so unrewarding, you feel like nothing’s ever getting done and that you’re not making any changes.

Gretchen: So you don’t like the job?

Celine: No, I love it.

Gretchen: Sounds like it.

Celine: Well, it can be so terrible, but at the end of the day I remember that change doesn’t happen overnight and you gotta keep fighting for it. I’m part of that change, I need to keep fighting.

Gretchen: Very true. You know where you can really make a different? The judicial system.

Celine: That’s very random.

Gretchen: Well, Justice Conetta just announced his retirement and I thought “what better way to reform the Rhode Island Supreme Court than to appoint someone young and progressive.” You were the first person that popped into my head.

Celine: I’m flattered, but I just got to Congress. I can’t leave after five months.

Gretchen: People have before.

Celine: Just the ones that got indicted or accused of sexual harassment.

Gretchen: You got me there.

Celine: Is that really why you invited me here?

Gretchen: Yes, I really wanted you to take the job. I think it’s perfect for you. You can wait until this congressional term is up if you want to.

Celine: Be honest. You want me to take it because you think Seider will run for House if I’m not running.

Gretchen: What? No!

Celine: Governor, I wasn’t born yesterday.

Gretchen: No, but you are quite young. We need a good, young appointee on the court.

Celine: I’m not taking the job.

Gretchen: It was worth a shot.

Celine: I’ll tell you what. I’ll threaten Seider for you. Tell him I can get the whole progressive movement behind you and against him if he runs.

Gretchen: You’d do that for me?

Celine: Unlike the Rhode Island political establishment, I like you. You’re different, you care. So many of them are complete ghouls. You’re a person.

Gretchen: Aww, I’m a person. That’s so sweet.

Celine: I can help you pick a judicial appointment if you want. There are some lawyers I used to work with who would be great.

Gretchen: That’s lovely, I’ll be in contact with you.

Celine: Okay, so this was quite a productive ten minutes. Thanks for inviting me!

Gretchen: Thanks for coming! A lot of people just ignore me.

Celine leaves and Carol and Susana rush in.

Carol: So, how’d it go?

Gretchen: Interestingly…

Susana: Did she not take it?

Gretchen: She did not. That’s okay, though. She’s gonna threaten him for me, it’s gonna be great.

Susana: She’s gonna what?

Gretchen: Threaten Rob! Tell him she’ll get the progressives to back me if he jumps in.

Susana: Is that going to be enough?

Gretchen: Probably not, but I’ll take whatever support I can get.

Carol: I’m just glad you don’t look like Debbie Downer anymore.

Gretchen: Give it time.

What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to return next week for a new episode!

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