LARRY
Good evening everyone, thanks for coming to this meeting.
FELIX
First, who are you, second, what are you doing here, and third, why do I care?
LARRY
Excuse me. My name’s Larry, I’m with PSN. Not an acronym.
LORENZO laughs.
LARRY
Somebody’s immature. It stands for Primitives Sports Network.
ROBERT
You just said it’s not an acronym.
HARRY
So they had a coach named Garry, now they got me, Harry, to make food, and now you’re Larry? There’s gotta be more names out there.
KEVIN
Before we get too off topic, I’d like to introduce myself as well. I’m Kevin, Head of Marketing for PSN.
LORENZO laughs again.
DEVIN
Hi Kevin, I’m Devin. With an i.
KEVIN
Actually I don’t need to know how to spell that.
HARRY
Is there a point to all of this? Because if there’s not—
LARRY
There’s a point! Ratings for Primitives games this season suck.
CHARLES
With all due respect, what do you want us to do about it? We’re just bullpen pitchers who aren’t being used. Hell, am I even a bullpen pitcher?
ROBERT
Hold up. Are the ratings down more than the average show?
LARRY
Huh?
ROBERT
I wouldn’t worry about the ratings if they’re down less than 15%. Everything’s down 15% on average this season.
Everyone stares at ROBERT.
ROBERT
Yeah that’s right, I know what TV ratings are.
KEVIN
We’re not here to get into specifics, we just know that people aren’t watching as much anymore. They think the games are getting boring given the Primitives win them all.
LARRY
So we’ve come up with a plan.
HARRY
Does it involve me making food for you?
LARRY
No.
HARRY
Then I’m listening.
ACE
Does it involve me not pitching?
LARRY
Nope!
ACE stands up and leaves.
KEVIN
Here’s what we want: to make things more interesting. That way winning becomes exciting again.
LARRY
Our focus groups have determined the way to higher ratings is more entertainment, and therefore more bullpen pitching.
LORENZO
So you’re saying you want us to pretend we’re crazy?
KEVIN
Just be yourself and everything will work out the way we want it to. Maybe chase after cotton candy every now and then, create a funny windup…that kind of stuff.
MANNY
This is my bullpen and that will never happen on my watch.
LARRY
Let me explain it better.
MANNY
No, I understand. I don’t watch the games too often so when I say it won’t happen on my watch, I don’t mean all that much.
KEVIN
Perfect. So it’s a deal?
MANNY
I’ll think about it and get in touch.
LARRY and KEVIN leave.
ROBERT
I kind of like things better the way they are now.
LORENZO
Yeah, it’d be too much pressure to go into the game more often.
FELIX
For you or for everyone else who has to watch you pitch?
CHARLES
I have an idea: when the bullpen phone rings, we answer it, and just do whatever they say. How’s that idea?
DEVIN
That’s what we’ve been doing.
CHARLES
Exactly. Now if you don’t mind I can’t see the game too well from here.
CHARLES jumps over the fence and sits in foul territory. Two security guards quickly escort him off the field. The crowd watches on the big screen in the outfield and cheers.
ROBERT
And they say we have to go into the game to be entertaining.
HARRY
Don’t you all usually ditch the game when someone gets in any type of trouble?
ROBERT
Oh right!
Everyone leaves.