The group, minus Sam, is at the Oceanside Diner.
Charlotte: Is today the big day?
Frances: I don’t know if I’d call a trip to Lizzie Borden’s house a “big day” but that is what we’re doing today.
Charlotte: I meant is it the day Nicolle’s coming to town?
Diane: Yes, we’re all very excited!
Garry: If it means I don’t have to deal with Sam making fun of me as much for a week or so, I’m very excited.
Leslie: Don’t be too excited, she’s going to Fall River with us.
Garry: I’m not bringing my wife, why’s she bringing hers?
Carly: Honey, I’m right here! I have a name!
Garry: Sorry, dear.
Frances: This is why you’re our punching bag.
Sam and Nicolle walk into the diner.
Diane: Nicolle! It’s so nice to see you!
Sam: What am I -
Diane: Let me stop you there. You are chopped liver compared to Nicolle.
Nicolle: Oh, stop. I’m not that great.
Frances: You just won a Pulitzer! That might not be as big as that time I was on Time -
Leslie: Ten years ago.
Frances: But it’s not nothing!
Garry: You’re also so nice. How’d you end up with -
Sam: Don’t finish that, little man.
Garry: I’m not little!
Sam: I’m four inches taller than you.
Diane: You’re four inches taller than everybody!
Sam: Shh!
Nicolle: So, what were you all talking about on this fine morning?
Leslie: Our trip to Fall River.
Nicolle: That’s right, we’re going to the Lizzie Borden house!
Sam: Such a romantic place to go with my wife on the first day I’ve seen her in months.
Garry: You don’t have to go.
Leslie: I paid for the tickets already, she’s going.
Carly: Maybe Garry’s wife can go.
Garry: Carly, you really don’t have to make such a big deal about that.
Carly: Don’t I?
Sam: I don’t know the context behind what’s happening here but I’m really enjoying this, anyway.
Nicolle: Sam! Leave Garry alone!
Charlotte: He does deserve it a bit this time.
Sam: It has to be really bad if Charlotte’s saying that!
Garry: It’s nothing! Now can we finish our pancakes so we can go?
Frances: We’re only waiting on you.
Garry: Oh, sorry.
Diane: Should I text Melanie and tell her we’re going to be late?
Garry: No, I’m almost done.
Sam: Took you long enough.
Garry: You weren’t even here for breakfast!
Sam: I know you’re a slowpoke.
Carly: She’s not wrong.
One hour later…
Diane: So, Nicolle, did you enjoy another half-hour of driving after already spending the first few hours of your day driving to Rhode Island?
Nicolle: You know, I really don’t mind it. It could be so much worse. It could be a plane ride back to California.
Leslie: Please don’t remind me that we’re gonna have to do that again in another month. What a brutal flight.
Sam: Why, Leslie? Why did you have to remind Diane of her favorite song from her favorite album by her favorite sad teenage girl?
Leslie: Leaving on a Jet Plane is by John Denver, Sam.
Diane: She means brutal, a brilliant song that’s been the soundtrack of my summer by -
Nicolle: Olivia Rodrigo! I love her!
Sam: No. No no no no no no no.
Frances: Oh god, is Sam having a stroke?
Garry: No, robots can’t have strokes. Some water probably dripped into her circuits.
Sam: I can’t believe I have to stop making fun of Diane for loving music that’s made for teenagers.
Frances: You don’t have to.
Sam: This is why you’re divorced, Frances.
Frances: Ouch.
Diane: If you just listened to the music instead of mocking what’s cool, maybe you could also like it.
Sam: I listen to Ariana Grande. I’m cool.
Charlotte: Really?
Sam: Yes, really. I’m a member of her fan club and everything.
Charlotte: What’s your favorite Ariana Grande song?
Sam: Uh… I like the one from The Sound of Music.
Charlotte: Huh?
Melanie: She means 7 Rings, which sounds like -
Leslie: I don’t mean to interrupt… whatever is happening here, but our tour’s about to start. I don’t really wanna anger any tour guides who would agree to giving tours of this creepy place.
Charlotte: If it makes you feel any better, I don’t think they’d kill you.
Leslie: Very comforting.
Charlotte: They’ll let Lizzie’s ghost do that.
Leslie’s phone rings.
Frances: You gonna answer that?
Leslie: No, I like this song.
Sam: Why is your ringtone Red Red Wine?
Leslie: I just said, I like the song.
Sam: Good lord.
Diane: Is there any music you do like?
Charlotte: Ariana Grande!
Diane: Oh, that’s right.
Frances: What if that call was important?
Leslie (singing): Red, red wiiiiiine
Frances: So that’s a nice.
Garry: What if it’s important?
Melanie: It’s probably a telemarketer, I get called from ‘em all the time.
Leslie: Let’s get in that creepy old house!
Frances: A sentence that famously no one has ever regretted saying.
One hour later…
Leslie: These telemarketers are relentless today! This has to be the tenth time they’ve called me!
Diane: I think my phone buzzed a few times, too. They sure are persistent.
Frances: I left mine in the car. Like a normal person.
Melanie: You didn’t take any pictures in there?
Frances: It’s a creepy old murder house. I don’t need that on my phone. For all we know, Lizzie’s ghost will somehow get in my phone if I take a picture in her room. Pass.
Leslie: Oh boy…
Sam: What? Is it Paul calling to tell us we were actually supposed to work today?
Leslie: No…
Diane: Our dinner reservations are canceled?
Leslie: Can I just say it?
Charlotte: I think that would be wise. We can’t guess to save our lives.
Leslie: Garry, your wife whose name you don’t seem to know called me eleven times.
Sam: We had to hear Red Red Wine so many times. And for what?
Leslie: I’m calling her.
Sam: She's probably telling you to keep Garry in Massachusetts for a while so she has the time to escape. Finally coming to her senses.
Nicolle: Honey, you seem crankier than usually today? Is it stressing you out that I’m here?
Sam: No! Having to hang out with Garry is what’s stressing me out!
Nicolle: He’s never been anything but lovely to me.
Garry: Thank you, Nicolle! I don’t know how you ended up with someone so rude but it’s shocking to me.
Sam: You said that already today. You’re not so clever, are you?
Nicolle: Believe it or not, she can actually be quite sweet.
Garry: I don’t think you’re a liar, but I have a hard time believing that.
Leslie: Everyone shush, I’m calling!
Leslie starts dialing, but is interrupted by a call from Carly.
Leslie: Carly! What is going on?
Carly (sobbing): Oh my god! Finally!
Leslie: Why are you crying?
Carly: How did this happen? What happened to Garry?
Leslie: He may have peed his pants a bit during the Lizzie Borden tour, but other than that, he’s fine.
Carly: Oh god!
Leslie: Were you hoping for something else?
Carly: No, I’m just so relieved.
Leslie: Why did you think something was wrong?
Carly: It’s all over the internet.
Leslie: What is?
Carly: Some article claiming that Garry died. It got shared on a big Bake Your Heart Out fan page and exploded on Twitter. The President sent his condolences via tweet!
Leslie: Ugh.
Carly: So he’s really fine?
Leslie: He’s currently talking to Sam’s wife about how mean Sam treats him.
Carly: That sounds like Garry. He's fine.
Leslie: We’ll be home soon.
Carly: No, don’t cut your day short. Have fun!
Leslie: Okay, talk to you later!
Leslie hangs up.
Garry: What was all that about? You look frazzled.
Leslie: Your wife, whose name, by the way, is Carly -
Garry: I know that!
Sam: Do you really, though?
Leslie: Your wife thought you were dead.
Garry: What? Why would she think that?
Sam: Wishful thinking?
Garry: That is awful!
Sam: I say what’s on my mind!
Nicolle: That doesn’t mean it’s not awful.
Sam: Don’t take his side.
Leslie: There’s an online hoax going around saying you died. It got shared by a big fan page of ours, even the President sent condolences.
Sam: Doesn’t he have anything better to do?
Diane: He’s Brian Delphy. No, he does not.
Garry: People think I’m dead?
Charlotte: We know you’re alive! That’s what’s important!
Garry: Charlotte, the general public thinks that I am deceased! That means I’m basically a ghost right now!
Charlotte: Umm… does it?
Frances: Of course it doesn’t! You need to be dead to be a ghost. You also need to be able to make pottery, just ask Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore.
Garry: I didn’t say I am a ghost! I said I’m basically a ghost.
Frances: I don’t see the difference.
Diane: Can I say something?
Sam: I’m sure some Olivia Rodrigo lyrics will clear this whole thing up, go ahead.
Diane: No need to be so dismissive.
Nicolle: She enjoys it, but she should dial it back.
Sam: Fine…
Diane: Just tell your publicist to clarify to the press that you’re still alive.
Garry: My… publicist?
Diane: You don’t have one?
Garry: No, I never saw the point in it.
Charlotte: Garry…
Garry: What?
Charlotte: Even children on ABC sitcoms have publicists. Bachelor in Paradise contestants have publicists.
Diane: I love Bachelor in Paradise!
Sam: Here we go…
Leslie: What is it with that show?
Diane: I love it!
Leslie: We understood that.
Sam: I love it as well but I don’t really need to be kept up until one in the morning discussing Joe and Serena’s relationship.
Frances: Who?
Garry: Are we forgetting what just happened?
Charlotte: We have a tendency to do that.
Garry: People think I’m dead!
Frances: What the hell do you want us to do about it?
Garry: I don’t know!
Sam: For the love of god, just tweet out that you’re alive!
Garry: Tweet?
Sam: On Twitter.
Garry: I barely even know how to use that. Carly usually just posts for me.
Diane: Even I know how to tweet…
Garry: Melanie, you’re young.
Melanie: Aww, thank you!
Garry: Can you help me?
Melanie: I can try.
Garry: Thank you!
Melanie: What’s your Twitter password?
Garry: Uh…
Diane: Do you not remember? Oh, Garry…
Garry: No, I remember!
Frances: That’s quite a shock.
Sam: Garry! Did you not change it?
Nicolle: I’m lost.
Diane: Don’t worry, so am I, and I spend every waking second with these people.
Garry: My password is ILoveSam123.
Leslie: It’s what?
Melanie: I’m in!
Leslie: Again, your password is what?
Garry: Sam and I played a game of poker one night a few years ago. If she won, I had to change my social media passwords to whatever she wanted. If I won, I could do the same. That’s the password she picked.
Sam: You didn’t change it in two years?
Garry: I never use Twitter! I changed my Instagram and Facebook passwords but not Twitter.
Frances: I must say, it’s definitely good you don’t use Twitter. Those people are rough.
Charlotte: More rough than Sam?
Frances: Good point.
Melanie: Okay, what do you want the tweet to say? I was thinking we could just post that old Mark Twain quote, “Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.” That could go viral!
Sam: Would be the first time Garry ever went viral.
Garry: My name is trending on Twitter right now, so take that.
Sam: Its actually “#RIPGarry” but you’re right you’re trending number one!
Garry: Just go ahead and post that, Melanie. I need to be revived publicly.
Melanie: Okay, sent. Garry is officially alive again.
Frances: Not according to Wikipedia.
Diane: Or the guy in the White House.
Nicolle: Knowing POTUS, he’ll be doubling down on that tweet and trying his best to prove that someone on this earth named Garry Mollen really did die today.
Diane: That does sound like him.
Garry: So that’s it? People know I’m alive now?
Melanie: Isn’t the internet wonderful?
Garry: The internet kinda got us into this whole mess but it was pretty easy to get out of it. Surprisingly so.
Diane: The President has already taken down his tweet!
Sam: Garry, I think you’re gonna be a story on MSNBC tonight!
Garry: Yay?
Leslie: Now that that’s resolved, we should probably get to that battleship museum before we run out of time. We have dinner plans at five!
Diane: What battleship museum?
Leslie: We went over this in the car?
Diane: I had my earbuds in, I heard nothing.
Sam: There’s a shocker.
Five hours later, at dinner…
Carly: So you sure had an eventful day today, Garry.
Garry: Do you mean getting to visit Lizzie Borden’s house and see battleships or the fact that Twitter thought I died?
Carly: Your day in Fall River sounds fascinating, but I was really referring to the whole death hoax.
Garry: Oh, yeah. Quite a day.
Carly: An hour, Garry. I thought I was a widow for an hour. I was already planning funeral arrangements in my head. No one in this group seems to know how to answer their phones.
Garry: We thought it was telemarketers.
Carly: They are quite persistent buggers, aren’t they?
Charlotte: I know, right?
Carly: So anyway, I’m very glad you’re still alive.
Garry: I’m glad you’re glad!
Carly: I don’t know what I’d do without you.
Garry: I know what I’d do without me. I’d be dead.
Sam: Very insightful, Garry.
Garry: Can I tell you guys something?
Sam: Just make it quick. Our lobster tails should be out soon, I don’t need that deliciousness ruined by having to hear you.
Frances: You’re such a sweet friend.
Sam: I know! I’m looking out for you guys!
Garry: When Leslie told me what happened today, my life completely flashed before my eyes. It was so surreal.
Diane: That makes sense.
Melanie: I ran into a wall too quickly once and that happened to me. My grandma says I was in a coma for two days but I don’t remember anything about that.
Frances: We’re gonna circle back to that later, Mel. Garry, keep going.
Garry: I’ve spent all of the rest of today thinking about my life, too. That’s why I haven’t really been here in the present with you all. I’ve been sorta in a haze.
Sam: I didn’t notice any difference.
Garry: I really thought to myself “if I did die today, would I be happy with my life? Would I be happy with my legacy?” I don’t know if the answer to that is “yes.”
Frances: That’s really profound and deep, Garry. I wasn’t expecting that from you.
Garry: I have a lot of insightful commentary if you guys would ever listen.
Sam: Not happening.
Garry: Seriously, though. I’ve lived such a wonderful life. I have an incredible wife, an amazing daughter. I have great friends, and also Sam. I have a great job, I’ve had many great jobs, actually. But I don’t know if I’d be okay with going right now. I feel like something is missing.
Diane: At least twenty years of life. Garry, you’re young.
Garry: No one has ever said that to me before. Not even when I really was young.
Diane: I mean it! You’re what, sixty?
Carly: Good god, he’s not that old!
Garry: I’m fifty-seven.
Diane: Of course you aren’t ready to die at fifty-seven. I’m almost seventy and I’m not ready! You don’t need to make any profound life changes just to try to fulfill yourself. You’re plenty fulfilled, don’t chase after perfection, it’ll never happen.
Sam: I don’t know if it’s just the wine talking but that actually made sense.
Nicolle: No, it did. It really did.
Diane: Thank you!
Garry: I get what you mean, Diane. I’m very happy with my life, I don’t want to change it. I guess, I’m just feeling like I still have growth to do as a person.
Diane: We all feel that way.
Leslie: At least we should.
Sam: I don’t. I’m awesome.
Garry: I hope I get that time to keep growing. I’m not ready to go.
Diane: We’re not letting you go, either. Not for a long time!
Garry: Thank you guys for entertaining my rambling.
Charlotte: I enjoyed it immensely! You really opened your heart up, I’m proud of you!
Garry: Aww, thank you.
Sam: Our lobster’s here! Everyone shut up and dig in!
Diane: Okay everyone, brush your feelings aside. Lobster time!
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
